Finding the Edge XIIII

I finally arrived at Leann's later in the evening than usual and I instantly felt so much better.  Leann was someone I can slip into the past with if only for a weekend and forget today and yesterday and every other day of the last few months.  The only issue with Leann is that she can be overbearing and a little bit of a bitch when she knows there is an answer to your problems but you don't care to change.  She is never one to tolerate the victim mentality and I know she is ready to have it out with me over this because she is making us dinner rather than pouring wine.

She barely said a word to me until she plated our food and we sat at the island.  "You were later than usual today, everything ok?"  Leann was someone who could instantly make me feel five years old just from her stern tone and look.  There was no point breaking into tears because she no longer had much sympathy for my situation.  "Yeah I stopped more today, I guess I had trouble focusing".  I just pushed my chicken around the plate and chased it with vegetables.  I could feel her look at me but there was no way I was going to make eye contact.  Leann has this way about her that is old school, she will tell you your problem and give you the answer and expect you to follow it like it's basic instruction.  "Natalie you have to stop all of this, you're going to drive yourself crazy and worse you're going to waste all of this time running away from something that can easily be fixed.  I remember you after this exact episode when your son was two, you still struggle with that, are you prepared to do the same to her and you?"  I wanted to stab her with my fork, I just needed her to shut the fuck up because I know that this is not what I want this is just how I feel and I have no idea how to stop it or change course.  "Of course not but I have no idea what's wrong.  After I had him I knew I was too young to just stay home and I wasn't happy in my marriage so I left and went to university.  Now it's all back and I don't know why and now I'm not sure what to change or where to run".  I heard her drop her fork on the plate and I was bracing myself for all of her brilliance, "maybe it's time to just stop and find out why, maybe you should see a doctor".  Oh that's amazing I wish I would have thought of that, it must be nice to have all the answers.  She sits there thinking she solved some big mystery...but I already knew this and Laura told me I had to deal with it or I would always go through this cycle but it's so much and I just don't know if I can climb that hill and I don't want that to be the hill I die on.  So now my options are to either go back to Laura or just keep running from something that will never go away and will always find a way to find me and hurt me.  I know I have to go back, but I'm not ready just yet.  I'm going to put the band aid on one more time and just try to escape...it won't work but it is all I have and all I'm willing to do.  I hate that I feel helpless in my own mind and body, I'm weak and just don't have the energy to care.  I am riding the 'Summer of Natalie' to the end...even if it's bitter.  I open a couple beers and cheers Leann...I have no idea who I am anymore...

Finding the Edge XIII

I left for Leann's before anyone else was awake; I couldn't take one more morning of seeing Dan's eyes filled with sadness.  He is an amazing husband, father and friend but even he can't help me with this.  I know it is time for me to go back to Laura but I just don't want too.  There is a part of me that just has to self destruct, I have a desire to hit the bottom hard and I have no idea if I'm even strong enough to bounce back if I actually fall that far.  The edge has become my new home and I am falling in love with it; there is no mundane, no stability and no rules; this roller coaster my life has become makes me feel alive and free...I am well aware of the consequences if it goes off the tracks...I wish I cared but I simply don't.

I stopped for gas and water in a little town Dan and I first lived in, we bought our first house here.  Our lives were so different, I bartended four nights a week and he worked in the oil field.  I missed those days and ached for the freedom we used to enjoy; I feel awful for not being able to embrace my life.  Laura would tell me that this is all part of life...letting go and moving forward, but I just don't feel like I can.  I feel stuck and lost, I have no idea who I am anymore or the direction of my life.  A couple years ago my life was perfect and I felt like I fit in, now I feel like a puzzle piece that is being forced to fit...I don't know where things went wrong but Laura could probably tell me.  I don't want to go back to her, I hate digging through my life and seeing all the carnage...the lost dreams and the times I just gave up because I didn't feel like I was someone worth fighting for.  The Natalie I remember with fire in her soul and drive that could power anyone is gone and everyday I hope and pray she will save me but I think she's dead and I just can't stomach saying good bye.  The little girl that dreamed of law school is gone and with her went the power house who couldn't be stopped...I have abandoned myself and killed all the beauty just to fit in because I was so uncomfortable being different, being loud and ambitious, for being fearless and reckless.  I'm not even someone I like anymore...I'm just someone that exists in the body of the woman I loved and now ache for...

Finding the Edge XII

I'm trying my best to feel happy and whole but it feels a lot like agony and I'm struggling to no longer show it.  I try to engage in playtime and conversations; I try to be involved in my own life but the desire is gone and after a few months I have no idea if it is ever coming back.  I've become a step-ford wife where there is a light but no real life.  I don't want to get out of bed because it is just too hard to play the role all day long.  Dan knows I am a shell again and I see him ache with helplessness...he has no answers or ideas, he just holds it together for the children.  I'm sick and I know it but the medicine is too much to take right now so I cover back up and fall into a coma with the hopes of waking to a new life.  I don't know how I've become this person that I hate and no longer feel sorry for...get the fuck out of bed and either get help or be a good mom...I wish I could be a good mom everyday.  I can hear the phone ring but I don't care who it is or what they are trying to sell me; my phone is lighting up from texts but I don't want to chat and John cannot help me...or maybe he will but I fear if I ask for help he will leave forever having validation that I know his darkness.  This is all too familiar and I can't help but cry for my son who had to deal with this and my bullshit because I couldn't pull myself together for the only person I ever loved more than myself.  I've become too exhausted and discouraged to hope to be different any longer...this is me and I'm sick...

Finding the Edge XI

Dan wasn't beside me when I woke this morning but I could hear him downstairs so I got up and made my way down.  He was eating his breakfast and having coffee while watching Sports Centre, he was awake earlier than usual and it made me sad that it was likely stress keeping him from sleep.  I walked over to the couch, grabbed the blanket and sat down beside him.  "Are we in trouble?" Dan never even looked away from the TV, "nah but we should talk about this because I feel like it's making a turn and I am worried about you".  As much as I hated discussing our marriage I knew he was right and more than that, I at least owed him any conversation that would make him feel better and shine a light on what I was doing and how I was feeling.

Dan turned off the TV and made us fresh coffee.  "Natalie I am trying to be understanding of what you are going through but it gets difficult when you are home and I know you are just waiting to leave again".  He was absolutely right and I would never disrespect him by lying or denying that statement.  "Dan can you just try and understand that what I am going through has nothing to do with you?  This is not about you.  This is about me and I have no idea what it is or what I am looking for, all I know is something is missing".  He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek, "Natalie you need to understand that just because it is not about me, doesn't mean that it does not affect me".  Check Mate!  He was right and I may be stubborn but I know when I am wrong...when you know better, you do better.  "Fair enough, I have been selfish even when you have been understanding.  I'm so sorry, I wish it was different and I could just be happy".  This is why I hate these discussions, I always feel like the worst wife and mother...but the flip side is Dan feels better and I could never deny him that after everything he has given me.  "Hey, let's rent a beach house in Venice Beach for your birthday.  We can run away and have fun".  My heart jumped for the first time in a long time, I could feel the tears and they were finally from happiness.  Here is this man that has already put up with so much and now wants to take me on vacation for my birthday...what the fuck is wrong with me?  I wonder how broken I really am and why I am so cursed that I can't even exist in a perfect life. "Let's book the trip tonight when I get home".  I just nodded, somehow the darkness always steals the light.

Dan grabbed his computer and left for work.  I just sat on the couch, lost in thought and wondering if things would ever come full circle again.  I could hear her wake and come down the stairs, I snapped back instantly.  Dan was right and it was time for me to at least fake it until I make it.  "Good morning Birdy, want to help mama make pancakes?" She looked at me through her tired eyes and smiled...how could I ever want to be anywhere but right here?

Finding the Edge X

The last couple of days have been awful at home and I'm hoping it will be better today.  I leave the computer and make my way to the kitchen for coffee and breakfast.  Dan is barely talking to me these days and I can't really blame him; part of me feels guilty because at least if he isn't talking to me then we can't have the circular discussion around our marriage.   I can feel myself care less and less everyday and I think this is supposed to scare me into stopping but it doesn't, it just makes me want to leave more.  I almost wish Dan would just finally snap and either shake me, end this or walk away.  I grabbed my toast and coffee and sit by the kitchen window, it allows me to escape without ever leaving the house.

I must have zoned out for a bit because I didn't notice Dan making his breakfast.  We didn't even say anything to each other, there was no point today, I could feel him pulling away and it made me feel a little resentful.  How arrogant!  I'm pissed off because my husband is finally fed up with his wife having a separate life and partying like she's a single twenty year old.  I've become so entitled it makes me sick...but it doesn't go away.  I start having an argument with him in my head defending my choices and behaviours; besides he's the one that brought up the 'Summer of Natalie', that was his idea.  I immediately deflate my ego when I look at him.  He is a beautiful man that is hurting so badly just so his wife can find whatever she is missing.  Dan tells me everyday that he is okay and that he supports me, because that is what a great spouse and partner does...at this point I feel guilt for my new life and resentful that he allows it without a fight.  I don't know when the anxiety, loneliness and guilt turned to anger but I welcome it because it makes me feel empowered rather than depressed...another price Dan is paying for his selfish bitch of a wife...I'm still not stopping.

Dan puts his dishes in the sink and kisses me good bye, I'm both sad and pissed off by his gesture.  Maybe if we had one argument or fight in our entire relationship I wouldn't feel so bland and he wouldn't feel so walked on.  I crawled back into bed and started texting, "What's shaken bacon?"  I've come to rely on the cop for companionship...even if just over text.

Finding the Edge VIIII

I woke exceptionally early because I wanted to check my messages and make Dan breakfast.  Monday morning breakfasts were becoming a regular date between the two of us, it's like a guilt therapy session where Dan tells me everything is okay and I sit there and hope he is right...knowing I'm not going to stop either way.  I'm aware that at this point I'm sliding so fast I either can't or don't want to stop; I look forward to my weekends and sometimes it's all I have to get me through the week without completely falling apart.  I miss the days when Dan and I would just travel the world, spend days on a train across Europe and laugh the entire way.  I remember when we were on a train leaving Prague and Dan looked over at me and smiled, "I don't know anyone else I could spend six weeks with and not want to kill them".  It's as close to a hallmark card as he would ever give me and I loved it.  I have no idea how we got to this place and as much as I hate it, I have this strong desire to walk through it...addiction is a bitch!

Dan finally made his way to the kitchen and looked his amazing self.  He grabbed a coffee and met me at the table.  "How was the weekend, anymore crazy cop stories?"  I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, my life had turned into a frat party that only plays Taylor Swift songs...it's fun but it still makes me cry.  "Not really, I did see John again but only when he pulled me over for speeding and texting".  As the words fell out of my mouth I could feel Dan looking at me and he was less than impressed, "Natalie you need to make better choices when driving".  I was so embarrassed, I felt like a 16 year old getting in trouble but I know he's right and I should do better.  "I'll assume he didn't give you a ticket since he took you drunk joy riding last time".  Ouch!  Dan seemed a little irritated and how could I blame him; I was starting to be reckless in all areas of my life.  "Nope just a warning".  He said something under his breath but I couldn't make it out and I was too nervous to ask so I ignored it and finished my coffee.  This morning has not played out as I had planned and I wonder if Dan is reaching his breaking point of living with a teenager that is out of control.  He didn't say much on his way out the door and I wanted to ask him to stay but froze at the thought of once again discussing our marriage...I'm so sick of talking about our marriage.

My phone started to light up and I could see John was messaging me but I didn't want to answer.  I can't stop thinking about Dan and how we used to be, we were the standard of love and partnership and now we are roommates.  I don't know what's worse, not knowing how to fix it or not knowing if I even want to...

Finding the Edge VIII

I'm trying my best to locate my licence, registration and insurance but I already know I don't have all three pieces in the car...ugh, I roll down my window and hope the two pieces I do have will do.  "Hey Irish, easy on the gas peddle and stop texting".  I turned my head so quickly it took me a minute to focus, there he was, "Robocop don't you have anything better to do then harass innocent women like myself?"  The light was back in his eyes and he looked amazing in his uniform.  "How have you been?" He knew how I was, he texts me non stop on a daily basis but we've never made plans to meet again.  I wonder if he sees my darkness like I see his...I wonder if he knows that I can see his.  His radio went off and my heart sunk knowing he was about to leave and there was nothing I could do but watch him go.  He reached his hand through my window and tousled my hair, it made me catch my breath and want to cry.  He flipped the switch and Robocop was back, "drive safe Irish and I'll text you later".  I watched him walk away in my rearview mirror and waited for him to drive away before I jumped out of my car and started throwing up in the ditch.  He knows I know and a part of me hopes I'll see him again but it's doubtful.  My heart aches, not because of him but for him.

Standing in a ditch on the side of a highway before noon on a Sunday throwing up was not how I envisioned my journey...not at 35 anyway.  The tears started flowing uncontrollably and I hate that I have turned into this woman who has no emotional control and runs instead of fights...which by the way only makes me cry harder...get your shit together Natalie!  I wiped my mouth, looked into the sun then threw up one more time from the head rush.  I was walking back to my car when another police car pulled up and for a split second I had hope it was him...it wasn't.  The officer approached me, "are you Irish?" This did not help the crying at all, "yeah I guess I am, why?"   He handed me my identification, "John wanted me to bring this back to you".  I felt bad cause I couldn't say another word after he called me Irish so I just nodded and smiled.  It was time to go home because the longer I sat on the side of the road the the more I wanted to stay and find John.  I can see the first town ahead, I open the sunroof eat an Advil and turn up the music...eight hours to go...