New york State of Mind VIII

I threw on some heels, a little gloss, downed my third beer and pulled myself together.  It's funny how  when this all started out it was about opening my marriage and just trying a new path and now it has become a quest to find more people like me and maybe someone with an answer.  I don't know if Mike has those answers but we definitely share a lot and I want to learn more.  I don't miss John anymore and hardly think about him but I won't test those waters just yet...there's no point.  Karen finally returned and had clearly been shopping more than most would or could in a casino.  She was in a great mood so I pulled myself out of my own head and lost myself in her day.  I love this woman, she is amazing and beautiful...she loves and cares for me unconditionally.  She doesn't agree with my choices but respects my life and would do anything to take away my darkness...even absorb it into her own.  I ordered her dinner as promised and she is not cheap let me tell you, I can see the smirk on her face as she tests my credit card and patience...I can't help but laugh because she's so great.

I grabbed my purse and headed for the elevator.  My heart was racing and I couldn't explain why since Mike and I already met.  I had so many questions and so much to say but I needed to be mindful of being overwhelming as I can be when excited.  I don't want him to feel like I have an agenda...and I really don't want to have one.  I have this desire to connect with him and it's strong, I want to discuss a lifetime of darkness and feel that I am not alone.  I took a deep breath and stepped inside the elevator relieved that it was empty and I would be alone for a few minutes.  How do I even start?  He has thrown his life up to me on his darkest days without ever even looking in my eyes and I wonder if he will do it again or at least entertain me while I try and do the same.  I'm not ignorant to the fact that this can have consequences I may not want to deal with but it may also be my only chance...if not now, then when?

The doors opened and Mike was sitting on a bench just outside.  He is beautiful and makes me smile as soon as I see him.  I can't distinguish anymore if his looks are stunning or his soul and I don't think it matters.  "Hi Natalie, you look great.  There's a nice Italian restaurant we can go to if you like Italian".  He makes me feel comfortable immediately and my heart rate returns to normal as we lock arms and head for the restaurant.  He's a gentleman and I already enjoy his company.

New York State of Mind VII

I laid back down on the bed and collected my thoughts.  Mike was nothing like John, well as far as personality goes.  There is a softness about him that contradicts his entire look and I'm attracted to it and him.  I think the softness is from being broken a few times throughout his life, he proceeds with caution and doesn't appear to have any aggression left.  He told me about his youth and the trouble he would get into and I imagine he has gotten out the anger and now deals with the loss and loneliness of so many relationships gone wrong.  His eyes don't change; he doesn't possess the switch and although I'm grateful, I know that power would have been welcomed with open arms to anyone who has ever sat at the bottom of their own darkness.

I grabbed my suitcase and started to get ready, it helps calm me down and if Karen sees my excitement it will just put a scowl on her face.  I could feel the anxiety start to rise in my gut so I grabbed a beer and finished it fast...I'll make sure to give Mike the obscene amount of money for that.  There is a fear inside of me that I have been ignoring for a long time and the hope is that if I don't think about it then maybe it will just go away...but it won't because it can't.  I can barely think about it without dry heaving, it can bring me to my knees and send me into prayer.  I downed one more beer and headed for the shower making sure to deadbolt the door on my way.

I sat in the shower and stared numbly at the wall.  I'm playing with a power far beyond my control and I feel like the moth that is drawn to the flame.  There are no brakes on this train, I've started this and now it's time to see it through to the end.  I need to pull myself together and pull this off otherwise it will all be for nothing...quitting isn't an option for me anymore.  No more tears Natalie, this is war and you may have just found the perfect person to align with.  I feel bad for Mike, I see him like the little girl locked in the cage...an abused animal with a broken spirit and bruised wings.  I can't possibly cry about this anymore and I think Mike has just become so used to being broken that he accepts it as a part of who he is...I refuse to do that...I won't accept defeat.  Either I live in misery with the darkness or I live in misery fighting it...choose your misery...

New York State of Mind VI

The blood finally returned to my brain and I realized that it had to be Mike because whoever it was had a key; now I just had to hope that the person in the room was the one I had been talking with.  I could hear him going through a dresser so I slowly opened one eye to catch a glimpse of him...I must be losing my mind.  I immediately thought of Karen, if she walked in right now they would need dental records to identify him.  I had to stop this because the anxiety was too much, "are you seriously going to rob me while I sleep?"  He turned around and I was so relieved he looked exactly like his pictures, "Hi Natalie".  I felt giddy and couldn't help but giggle.  He forgot his computer in the room and since I didn't text him he had no idea I would be there.  Thank god Karen was not the one sleeping in the room.

We sat for a bit and chatted. He was thankful I wasn't a large black man and I was relieved he was not going to make our first date a scene from Criminal Minds.  He's exactly who he claimed to be and it puts me at ease immediately...but his darkness is a constant reminder that this can go sideways at any time.  I remember the conversation about his past and it makes my heart hurt...how did he become this incredible man without the love and support so many of us need.  It just makes me like him more, he is a beautiful man with so much to offer; whoever gets him will be a very lucky woman.  I enjoy listening to him and can pick out little character traits I don't think he knows he possesses.  He comes off as really easy going but I can feel his intensity and he is high energy not unlike myself.  We're fairly similar and I am worried that if he talks as much as I do we may not get along.  It's easy to have any sort of relationship online or while texting but in person it's a whole different game; adding tone, emotion and body language can alter the way you initially perceived someone.  I easily got lost in him.  Mike is very interesting and intelligent, he has crazy stories and he's a beauty to look at.  I was getting lost in conversation when my phone lit up...it was Karen, I almost forgot about her.  I had to get Mike out of his own room before my chaperone returned.

Mike was great, he laughed as I kicked him out of his own room but understood completely.  Dinner was only a couple of hours away.  I hope Karen will extend my curfew...I should have left her in Manhattan...

New York State of Mind V

I laid in bed awake most of the night filled with excitement and anxiety.  I watched the clock tick down until it was time to start getting ready to leave.  I jumped in the shower and as soon as the hot water hit me I felt nauseous and sad, I sat down to collect myself.  The water washed over me and I could feel my body sweat out the fear...it's all an amazing ride but eventually you have to meet that person and the chances of it being exactly as you expect is so slim I wonder if it's worth a ride on my emotional roller coaster.  I try to relax, there is no reason for me to have any expectations regarding Mike.  The plan is to have dinner, drinks and maybe gamble a little, thinking beyond that is just adding stress needlessly.  I'm finally able to stand up and wash my hair.  It's time to pull myself together...if I'm gonna live on my edge then I'm going to at least try and do it with confidence.

Karen and I left a few minutes early to grab coffee, there was no way I could even think about food right now.  We arrived at Penn Station in time to play a game of 'guess which gate your bus is leaving from today'.  What a nightmare this place is and the longer it takes to figure out the system the more intense my anxiety becomes.  After a solid hour of running from gate to gate we finally asked for help and were taken to the proper location.  The bus ride to Jersey was fast and we were in our car and on the turnpike in record time.  We decided to head straight for AC to eat and shop all day long.  With every mile we drove my fear grew and I couldn't even talk about it.  Karen will turn into a bigger mess than myself if she has to hear about this side of my life and I can barely hold myself together, I couldn't possibly take care of her emotional needs too.

The drive only took a couple of hours, we were drinking coffee and shopping like it was our job before noon.  Mike texted that there were keys waiting for me at the front desk and that he removed most of his things so Karen and I could have the room for the night.  I made a mental note to remind Karen to stay out of the mini bar, not to order room service or rent any movies...she can be a passive aggressive bitch at times and I didn't want her to ring up a bill as a silent fuck you to Mike.  I could feel my body start to vibrate, it was time for lunch and I absolutely had to force myself to eat.

After we ate we went to the hotel to drop off our things and park the car.  I had to meet Mike in a few hours downstairs so I wanted to rest and freshen up since I had already been up for several hours.  I laid on the bed while Karen went to check out the casino's.  I started to doze off to college football when I heard Karen come back into the room.  I felt a hand on my foot and someone whisper my name, my heart stopped and I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes...I was paralyzed with fear, that was not Karen...

New York State of Mind IV

Karen and I started our day hating each other at Starbucks about an hour after we intended to start the day.  We didn't actually hate each other, we just hated everything and everyone...blinking hurt and the sun needed to get lost in the worst way.  After two Americano's and fruit we decided to walk through Central Park until we could tolerate other people and being shoved around the concrete jungle.  There is something about this city that makes me feel incredible and looking over the trees at the beautiful buildings never fails to make me fall in love.

We finally exited on the upper east side by the Guggenheim Museum and started making our way down town.  I almost never take the subway or cabs in Manhattan, it seems like a waste to not enjoy every inch of the city.  Today we were walking to Soho to shop and eat, Karen has no idea how far that is and I'm hoping she is too distracted to notice.  She stopped to look at some art work on the street and I grabbed a corner of a bench and checked my phone for messages.  Mike was enjoying Atlantic City and had a few places he wanted to show me; he makes me excited and I can hardly wait to see him tomorrow.  We are connected the same way I was with John but Mike is open and vocal about himself and I easily gravitate towards him.  But I know darkness and I know that what Mike feels right now could change at any moment.  Darkness can make you fall in love and break your heart, it will build your empire then burn it to the ground...at times it has been my driving force and others it has driven me off a cliff...it can't be trusted...it's the trojan horse.  I wonder if that's how Dan sees and feels about me...initially a beautiful gift that opened his eyes to so much more in the world and then when he least suspected it...the flood gates opened and out poured all of my darkness into his life and now he looks at this gift and wonders if it was ever a gift at all.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard Karen calling my name, I wiped my eyes and threw my phone in my purse.  Karen and I locked arms and proceeded down Fifth Avenue...we had about fifteen miles to walk round trip today.  How do people suffer in silence?

New York State of Mind III

It was round 8pm when we finally arrived at our hotel; that is the last time I take a shuttle, I'd rather pay a little extra and take a taxi even if it is with Karen.  After we checked in, got to our room and freshened up I texted Mike to let him know I had arrived.  Karen and I grabbed our purses and hit the pavement, we were going to squeeze every minute out of this vacation and it was nice since we were staying in the heart of Times Square.   We strolled over and shoe shopped on Fifth Avenue, grabbed some food and started to pub crawl back to the hotel after a few hours.  It's nice going to Manhattan with someone who has already been there; I love enjoying the city without having to wait in lines or buy tickets for sites I have already seen several times.  We ended up at our favorite Irish pub and proceeded to make friends with the other people around us as well as the staff...six beer each in a hour and a half was way too much for either of us. 


We stumbled through Times Square making our way back to our hotel and I was already dreading the morning so I made a quick stop for Advil and water.  I tried my best to find the anti snoring strips for Karen because I knew when her head hit the pillow I wouldn't get five minutes of sleep, but my vision was blurry and I didn't want to have a game of drunk charades with the senior that works behind the counter. 


I popped my pills just before I crawled into bed.  We had a full day tomorrow of walking, shopping, eating and people watching, I wanted to make sure I was in top form.  I grabbed my phone and read my messages from Mike...from Long Island.  He advised me that he would be off at 4pm the day I arrived and would not need to be back at the pageant until noon the following day.  I could feel the butterflies creep up...or maybe it was all the beer.  I still had some fear that he was going to turn out like John and I wasn't prepared to have to deal with that again.  I could hear Karen already in the initial stages of her all night snoring and sent one last text before I buried my head in the pillows.  "Good night Mike, I'll text you when I wake...see you soon;)".  My phone lit up almost immediately, "Good night Natalie, I'm glad you're coming back soon just let me know the dates".  Shit!   Wrong Mike...

New York State of Mind II

Karen and I arrived at the airport a few hours before departure which meant breakfast was on me.  After effortlessly passing through security we grabbed some coffee and waited by our gate.  I could see Karen drift back off to sleep as she slowly poured her coffee all over the seat beside her.  I love this woman, she came into my life a few years ago and we have been inseparable ever since.  She is a nana to my children, my best friend and has now become a friend to many members in my family.  She is overly protective of the people she loves and only allows a few in her inner circle.  I have been guilty of winding her up to watch her spin purely for my own amusement; it reminds me of John and I am instantly sick.  I put my feet up and rested my head on Karen's shoulder; she has been a great friend to me and a rock when my darkness rolls through.  Over the past several months she has become a compliment to Dan's support and understands my struggles all too well.  I have witnessed what her darkness can do to her and it sends a panic throughout my body with the possibility that one day mine could cripple me for months at a time.  I have watched her walk through parts of her life completely disengaged and vacant but she has never perfected hiding her sadness; I love her like a second mother.

I looked out the window as our plane pulled up to the gate and I finally felt all the excitement rushing through me.  I'm fighting to keep the guilt at bay and wonder how many Heineken I'll need to secure it doesn't show up throughout the next few days.  I woke Karen so we could get in line and board the plane.  We grabbed our seats and I immediately felt bad for the woman next to Karen trapped between her and the window.  I took my phone out to turn it off and seen a message from Mike, the cop.  "Hi Natalie, haven't heard from you in a while, I hope everything is okay and that we can get together soon".  It occurred to me that I hadn't yet spoke to him about the awkwardness I feel about him being on John's team.  I make a mental note to do it as soon as I get home, no point breaking that off until after I meet Mike...the one from Long Island.  "Hi Mike, I am doing great (lie), I'm just on my way to NYC so I'll text you when I get home".  I wonder how he feels about our friendship, we met because of John, they work together and he has seen me throw up in a ditch on more than one occasion...what is wrong with this guy?  In the time it took me to text both Mike's, Karen made friends with the woman beside her which is great because we can be a handful.  "Enjoy your trip and I hope to hear from you soon".  I powered my phone down and threw it into my purse.

Karen introduced me to our friend by the window as we taxied down the runway.  Nine hours until we touch down at LaGuardia; I can feel my anxiety creep up and I can't distinguish if it is from all the excitement I have around Mike...from Long Island, or from my fear of flying...wheels up...