The Darkness I

Mike took me to an amazing steak house for dinner and I was well on my way to being intoxicated before we even got to our table.  My mind has not turned off or slowed down since the realization that I am killing my husbands wife.  I feel like I'm in a real life game of 'who would you save', the woman he loves or the woman I ache to be?  This has become a no win situation and I can't even begin to comprehend what this will mean for my marriage, children, friends and myself.  Do I remain the person everyone knows, who truly doesn't exist...or do I emerge as who I am and hope for the best knowing that the consequences could be a complete loss.  I feel indebted to Dan for the life he has allowed me to live, the freedom he encourages me to have and the dreams he insists I follow...but now what?  I feel like I'm stuck in a huge conundrum that just so happens to be my life.

We finally were moved from the bar to our table and he was laughing at me for already being tipsy, I didn't tell him that I was drinking away my anxiety and had no intention of doing so.  He ordered way too much food and I ordered another beer.  Mike is great company he's funny, intelligent and interesting and I desperately hope that I can lose myself in him this evening or it's going to be one hell of a night.  He opened up about the anxiety he was having about going to court when he arrived back home to deal with his on going divorce.  I felt bad for him but I always try and remember that I am biased and only know one side to this story.  I find it is better to be a sounding board rather than someone that feeds the angry dragon in him.  I hope it works out for him.   Our food came about forty five minutes later and I was so hungry I couldn't even speak and silence only meant retreating back into my own thoughts...it was becoming my least favourite spot these days.

We took a cab back to the area our hotels were in and I walked him to his lobby and said good night.  I walked out into the cold air and felt sick about my discovery.  Do I give my entire life to Dan and my children so they are comfortable...dear god please say I don't have to because I don't think I am strong enough to do it.  I picture myself sitting in my house watching the days turn to night and feeling the agony of being confined to a prison.  I know who I am and as I reflect back over my life and see the Natalie I shoved aside for others I have to wonder if this Natalie will join them or finally free them...is there a better time to be brave...or selfish?

New York State of Mind XXVIIII

As the day went on I could see Mike emerge from the dark and I think his darkness is the product of always feeling alone.  I wonder if he desperately searches for a wife to have a family with because it will release him...I bet he doesn't even realize he holds the key.  I can't help but stare at him, it's sad to watch someone you care about sink into depression; it must haunt Dan watching me move through life passing in and out of the shadows.  I'm slowly killing my husband; breaking his heart everyday and becoming more detached from the life I loved to move into the life I need.  How does he hold on to me?  It has to be hope, the hope that one day I will look at him and he will see the woman he married...the very one I am working so hard to destroy...

New York State of Mind XXVIII

I had coffee with my brother's then rushed over to the restaurant to meet Mike for breakfast.  I grabbed a corner table, ordered another coffee and went through my messages and emails.  Mike, the cop, texted and it makes me smile every time.  He has this way about him that makes you feel important and special without smothering or becoming intense...he reminds me of Dan in so many ways.  They are what balanced men look like and even though Mike sees the same darkness as John his coping skills are far superior.  I wished this for Mike, the one from NY; for him to have some sense of relief and rest.  I'm hoping that today I can pull him out of his mood and just have fun; I'm chasing Atlantic City and even I can feel the desperation of trying to replicate that night.  My anxiety is exceptionally strong today and I wonder if his is too or if it is because I fear the Mike I met in AC is not the same one in Chicago...darkness is such a nightmare from both sides.

I spotted Mike as soon as he walked in and waved him over.  He looked awful like he had been drinking all night and fell out of bed to get here.  I have no idea how to even approach him because I have very little experience with him.  I mean I know his darkness and things about him but having only spent a handful of hours with him I have no idea how to handle his moods and it creates a fear in me that I will say or do something wrong.  It's almost like I already have a fear of losing him and I imagine it is because of losing John and having the desire to keep a fellow dark dweller in my life.  He sat down across from me and ordered a coffee...this is not Mike from AC, I don't know who this is and I'm not sure I want to find out.  He threw me a forced smile and I returned the favour.  I guess now is as good as any time to start the therapy session, after all isn't that the real reason I am searching these men out?

"You look awful.  Didn't you sleep?"  Everyone gets the benefit of my honesty, but maybe I can work a little on perfecting the art of having tact.  "A little but tossed most of the night".  He grabbed the menu and sipped on his coffee.  I wasn't impressed in the least about being brushed off.  In my support group you have to share...is it unethical to have a support group and not tell the participants they are part of it?  "What would you like to do today?"  He finally put the menu down and looked at me, "whatever you want, I'm easy".   I figure I have about two days before he is completely sitting in his darkness with a bottle of vodka...I gotta work fast.  "Let's eat then head out for some touring".  He shrugged his shoulders and nodded...I could throw up with anxiety right now...

New York State of Mind XXVII

Mike grabbed a gin and met me at the table, he was clearly exhausted and seemed to be somewhat irritated.  We ordered some food and talked as we watched Chicago carry on into the night.  Mike has two speeds, work and sadness and there is no in-between.  When he is working he is happy, relaxed and in control but if he has more than three days off of work you can see the darkness descend on him and the happy confident Mike is pushed back into his cage and buried in a dark corner.  I'm hoping that being in Chicago and around me will help keep his fears at bay but I haven't figured out yet if one darkness triggers the other and that scares me.

We walked around the downtown and popped in and out of places with live bands and I could almost see the Mike I met in Atlantic City.  He seemed on edge and I could feel my own anxieties rise to meet his.  This must be how addicts feel when one is craving, it pulls the other one in and together they suffer or give in and on occasion one's own will is stronger than their urge and is able to keep both afloat...I hope I am strong enough for both of us.  I started to feel anxious that I was easily absorbing his energy and I could feel the panic rise in me at the thought that his darkness would bring about my own.  Maybe Mike isn't the better version of John, but I guess that depends on if I want to ignore or face my own demons.  It's funny thinking back that I used to become so upset that John wouldn't share with me and now I'm on the other end of the spectrum and wish the sharing wasn't so intense.

I walked Mike back to his hotel and we had a drink at the bar.  It wasn't the same as Atlantic City and I wasn't sure why but I was hoping a good sleep would change that; we shared a cigarette and I left him in the lobby.  I wasn't ready to go back to my room so I wondered around and thought about John...I wish I could give his switch to Mike so he never has to be in the dark again.

New York State of Mind XXVI

We finally got to our hotel and unloaded our things then wondered around the area for a bit.  I could feel my anxiety and excitement creep up every now and then knowing Mike would be here soon.  We grabbed a drink and sat on the patio, it was the best place to people watch.  I was doing my best imitation of someone that was completely engaged in a conversation and hated that I had become someone so obsessed with my own journey that is was difficult to enjoy others.  Ugh, I grabbed another round of drinks, checked my phone and made my way back to the table.  Mike had landed and would be at his hotel in about an hour, the guilt instantly replaced the excitement but a drink would easily fix that.

I walked the guys back to our hotel and left them in the room while I found a pub at the end of the block and waited for Mike.  I sat on the patio and ordered my third drink, thank goodness CJ and I ate at the airport or I'd be a puddle by the time he got here.  Only a few short weeks ago we met in Atlantic City and now we are in Chicago and I hope we can choose a date for me to be back in New York next month.  My relationship with Mike was beginning to feel more like the support group I had started months ago.  He talks a lot about his childhood and how it has carried through the same struggles into his adult life.  I feel sad that he believes that he is completely alone in life and has the experiences that those he gave everything to simply didn't want it and rejected him entirely.  I can easily watch his roller coaster of emotion evolve daily and I know he can't see his patterns of sadness and excitement...for me it's like watching an addict go from hopeful and fall to hopeless.  No matter how sad and lost I felt I have always had the benefit of those few around me that have loved, lifted and cared for me; Mike has never felt unconditional love...not even from his parents.  He may very well go through his entire life and never feel loved, wanted or significant and I wonder if it will be because he doesn't know how to accept it or if it is because he doesn't know how to surround himself with people who can truly love him.   As a parent I find it hard to believe that his parents don't love him but does it matter as long as he never feels it?  Mike still aches for the approval of his family but mainly from his father and to be honest I don't know if it is real or not but it must feel very real to him.  We are becoming great friends and he is starting to rely on me for emotional support...I hope I don't let him down.  I find it easier to maneuver through his darkness rather than my own but I have always felt stronger in the darkness of others while mine lays dormant.  

I could see him cross the street and he looked as amazing as I remembered.  I don't know which Mike I am getting today because he is exhausted and has been flying all day...I will either be the support leader or tour guide.  I'm just grateful I get to see him again and that I can easily escape my own darkness into his...

New York Stat of Mind XXV

The flight seemed quick but I could effortlessly lose time in my thoughts and knew there were times that I shifted to auto pilot for days trying to find my way back out.  CJ would be landing shortly and Trevor not far behind.  I felt nervous to see Mike again and wondered how long he would be in my life; I have this amazing super power where I can take something that makes me happy and turn it into something that causes me anxiety and stress until it no longer looks the same...like watching a flower bloom and die all in a few short days.

My phone pulled me out of my thoughts, "Hey Nat I just grabbed my luggage, where are you?"  Thank god CJ is here!  I would much rather get lost in his life and stories rather than mindlessly pick through mine.  I felt instantly relieved when I found him and likely hugged him a tad too tightly.  My brothers are amazing men and the three of us have become great friends over the years; the love, support and kindness they show me makes me feel safe and allows me to just live openly.  We grabbed some food and drinks and caught up on the kids, work and his dating life.  CJ can make my jaw hit the floor and make me laugh until I cry when he tells a story and I am so grateful that this is our tradition...I can't believe I invited Mike.

Trevor showed up about an hour later and when he turned the corner in a suit jacket and button down I knew he was in trouble because the three of us are relentless with teasing.  I instantly wished I didn't invite Mike, not to this anyway.  Oh well, only three hours till he touches down and makes his way downtown...I dropped my phone in my purse and tried to forget about him for the next few hours.

New York State of Mind XXIV

I looked in on her just before I brought my things to the car, I wish I could put her in my pocket and take her everywhere with me.  It's so conflicting when I want to try and find or discover a part of myself because I am not entirely happy but then my heart breaks every time I watch my son drive away or I leave my daughter in the middle of the night.  It's funny how darkness can just fuck with you to the point that lost is the only feeling left.

I started to wonder if all I really needed was every moment leading up to leaving without the actual act of going away.  Maybe just knowing there was something to look forward to, something that didn't resemble my daily life...something crazy and adventurous.  The destination never seemed to compare to the journey and I'm learning that it is the climb I crave, but how can one sustain that?  I'm chasing a high and an idea, maybe it's a dream I had or a feeling I once felt...whatever it is I am helplessly losing my mind trying to capture it like an addict trying to replicate that first high.

I was sitting at the gate hours before boarding slipping in and out of my mind wondering if I'll ever be satiated...I don't think so.  Laura once told me that you could not teach someone interest, some people are and some people are not.  It is clear where I fall and once again and I can identify this perfect storm that is forming in me and I have to let go and ride it out.  There are only two outcomes; either I come out of this storm and become the woman I ache to be or I go back to Laura and forget that she was ever a thought...