Home...The Other One III

He woke me when we pulled into the driveway, "I'll get your luggage and meet you at the top of the stairs," he whispered. I slowly fell out of the truck and tried my best to stretch out and wake up a little. I pulled myself up the stairs and walked by him to flop down on the lazy boy, I can barely keep my eyes open. I closed them and drifted off to sleep for a few more hours.

When I woke I couldn't see Joseph in my line my vision. "Hey! You around?" I shouted, I wanted a glass of water but my legs fell asleep and now the tingling feeling was beginning to hurt, or irritate...either way I couldn't stand up without wanting to bang my legs against the wall. "Yeah, I'm back here packing a bag, what do you need?" Packing a bag? I leaned over the edge of the couch and seen him coming down the hallway towards me with a duffle bag in his hand. "Where are you going?" I had no idea he had other plans. He dropped his bag at the door then grabbed me a bottle of water. "I'll take you up to see your father and I can fish at a lake for a few days." Ugh, I almost forgot I was heading home to see dad. Sometimes the places I grew up make their way into my dreams and I miss the little park at the end of my block where I learned to swing all by myself, or the corner store that dad used to take us to for movie rentals on a Friday evening, or our favourite pizza place that we ordered from at least once a week...but being there was completely different, it never felt as good as in the dream. "Don't be silly, I'll fly there and save you the drive. Besides it's not fun, it's more of a sad place now." For me it was anyway. "I'm going to go fishing and can keep you company. It's not a big deal and maybe I'll finally get to see a moose." He wasn't a fan of just 'googling' it like I recommended. "It's a shithole." He looked over and shrugged his shoulders, "either way you have to go so let's do this and we can stay in Niagara afterwards. I've never been there." He continued to pack a cooler full of drinks and snacks all while whistling away like we're going on some fantastic road trip...man, is he going to be disappointed. I stood up from the couch and stretched until it ached, "fuck it, let's go." I've never been a fan of going home and even less so when I have to do it alone, if' he's willing to come along for the ride then I'm going to do my best to make it fun...or at least tolerable. 

Home...The Other One II

I took the redeye into LaGuardia and waited for Joseph to pick me up. I was thinking I would do a short flight up for 3 days to make sure dad is okay then come back and finish out a couple days in the city and hopefully make my writing class. I was exhausted, to the point of nausea. I wanted to shower and lay down for about eight hours, although even if I got three I would be a brand new person.

He pulled up right in front of me and I didn't even notice, I must have drifted off. He got out and threw my luggage in the back of his truck then opened the door for me...he always opens the door for me. He climbed in the drivers seat and handed me a bottle of water, "how was your flight?" I took a long swig, rested my head on the seat and closed my eyes, "not too bad, just tired."I could barely function and was doing everything not to catch my fifth wind of the night. He reached across and squeezed my hand, "breakfast or bed?"...I was already asleep.

Home...The Other One I

By the time we all got home, unpacked and climbed into bed I already had three calls about my father. I've developed a sensitivity over the past couple of years since we opened or marriage, some things in my thinking have shifted and changed forever. I've learned to let go, knowing I have not always made the best decisions, knowing I have caused pain, lied and gossiped...and I know the road to forgiveness can either be blocked, riddled with obstacles or an open road...I want mine to remain open. Every moment can be a learning opportunity and this is mine, this is where I show myself, my children and my father what I am made of. Life's funny, it has a very poetic way of showing you everything you don't want to be or everything you desire to be in someone else...you just have to be aware enough to see it. I could hold a grudge, let him suffer alone and never turn around and know that I am justified because we have history and shared DNA isn't always enough to trump the pain...but what about the pain I have caused? I don't forgive him in the hopes it is offered to me on my death bed, I forgive him because that is the type of woman I have always wanted to be and when better to start. Now, I gave up grudges long ago, let go of garbage, let go of negative friends and family and walked right into my life. My father dying in front of my eyes has taught me more than anything else and has helped me become a better mother...maybe I owe him.

I drifted off holding my daughters hand and trying to make a mental note to get on a flight this week and head home...

Another Christmas XVII

We spent the entire day driving through the hills, walking the boardwalk in Venice Beach and eating some of the best tacos I have ever had. Kaila and her children spent the day doing their own things and I was relieved that after Trevor left she felt confident to go it alone since there was still so much for her to still see. We went back to the outlet mall and shopped around for a bit before meeting Kaila at the car rental drop off. I was ready to go home, we all were.

Kaila laid her carry on bags in a row and then flopped down on them. You could see the exhaustion in each of us, except the kids...the kids never seemed to run out of energy. We sat in a circle and enjoyed lunch together, reminiscing over the past few days and trying to organize the next few. I was leaving in just over a week to visit my father, he's back in the hospital. I rested my head on Dan's shoulder and closed my eyes...back to the depths of winter.

Another Christmas XVI

I was done, like completely fucking done with everything and everyone by the time 6pm hit. My feet hurt, I had zero patience left and was annoyed at the amount of people screaming at their children...how about if you're no longer having fun you pack your family back in the car and leave the happiest place on earth...that's what I did. How long does a four year old need there anyway? I'm good with the day and could use a large glass of wine and alone time...whatever that was going to look like with eight other people in the house. I swear to the heavens if I hear my name or 'mom' one more time from any person I am going to bounce my head off of the lamp post...why did I quit smoking?

Okay, it wasn't that bad, but it felt like that in the moment. By the time we were sitting in the car everyone was done with day so we decided on some In and Out Burger and a movie night back at the house. Kaila's husband, Trevor, leaves first thing in the morning to head back for work while the rest of us carry on and enjoy our last day before we head to the airport.

Another Christmas XV

I barely slept a wink. Not many people know this but I am a die hard Disney lover. It's not the movies, well not the new ones; it's the displays that cause the nostalgia that brings me back to my childhood. It's the vintage Disney that I get a sneak peak at, it makes me remember the Sunday evenings with my mom, dad and sister waiting to see what they would show for the movie, it's the musicals that my mother shared with us and my children...it's memories and really...what else do we have at the end of everything...memories.

I had the coffee brewing and was making toast like a breakfast ninja, we pile into the cars in less than an hour and I plan to spend the entire day in the Magical Kingdom. I packed my purse full of cash, granola bars and an empty water bottle...this girl does not pay $7 for water! My son has been to Disney a few times and in a few different countries so we were all excited for my daughter to experience her first visit.

Another Christmas XIV

I'm not the biggest fan of LA and can really take it or leave it but it works as a family destination with beaches, amusement parks, boardwalks, shopping and great food. We all piled into two cars and drove straight to an outlet mall so we could eat with several options for everyone and do a little shopping for the unseasonably cool weather. You could see the storm clouds roll in but no one cared, we were going to tour LA either way.

After hours of driving around, then walking around Hollywood and trying to accommodate everyone we decided to part ways. My family piled back in the car and headed for the Hollywood Hills while Kaila and her family bought tickets to the wax museums and all the other tourist traps my family has never enjoyed. I like travelling with people who don't need to be with me all fo the time and I knew from NY that Kaila was just fine going off on her own.

We ended up at LA Live where we enjoyed a great dinner followed by a police chase, on foot, which ended with the man running into on coming traffic and just out right beating the officers in an old fashioned foot race. His friends stood next to us and commentated so I wasn't surprised that the police gave up and let him run; I mean how much effort are they really going to put in to enforce jaywalking.