Now What? III

I want to go back to something, something I spoke about a while back regarding my neighbours. I wasn't completely honest about the situation, partly because it feels so surreal and partly because I didn't want to acknowledge what happened Christmas Day, 2017. If I back up a year to New Year's Eve 2016 the eight of us were all in Los Angeles enjoying a family vacation we gifted to ourselves that year for Christmas. Six months after the vacation everything deteriorated between our families to the point of them agreeing to move after the assault on our family took place. It was difficult having to live next door to them but we knew something had changed in their home, we just didn't know what it was. The house became quiet to the point of days going by without a light on or a car in the driveway.

Then Christmas rolled around and things got worse.

It was just after 3 pm when cops rushed through my doors and made my family head to the basement. My neighbour was holding himself hostage in his home with a gun and firing off rounds randomly. We sat in the basement for over eight hours listening to them trying to get him out of the house, he was too far gone. Dan and I finally crawled up two flights of stairs to look out the window and try and see what was going on. The street looked like a ghost town except for one armoured truck, then a SWAT team slowly walks behind what looked like a robot...their going in after him. It was less than 2 full minutes from the time they entered the house to the time he was wheeled out on a stretcher.

We ran down the stairs to the police but they couldn't offer us any information other than he would be taken to a hospital.

I called his wife the next day.

He's on life support waiting for the recipients of his organs. They had issues in their own lives and he refused to move on, I didn't get into it with her, we're not friends anymore and it's none of my business.

She invited us to the hospital to say goodbye one last time before they took him off life support. I held his hand and apologized for cutting all ties. I hugged his family and spoke with his wife. She couldn't bear to even come back to the house and I can't say I blame her, that would be traumatic not just for herself but for their twins as well as my own family.

After failing to sell her house she was forced to move back in and it feels like we will always be stuck in this nightmare together. Initially, I was so mad I was vibrating, and then I thought about her and her children and I can't imagine having no other choice than to step into your own nightmare and be forced to live in it.

They finally took him off of life support on December 28th after 14 people benefitted from his tissue and organs.

We'e decided to move this year, maybe then both families can move on and let the past stay where it belongs.

Now What? II

I feel like the holidays just kinda snuck up on me. We go away each year now because of the neighbors...2 years ago when the SWAT team was crawling across my cars and lawn was enough for me. I live in suburbia where depression over the holidays almost feels stronger or more pronounced. It only took one Christmas Day of sitting in my basement to really see how awful the holidays can be for others. Last year the SWAT team was back out for someone else a few streets away...no neighborhood is free from this pain regardless of income.

I think in the new year I will start to push my book with marketing and finding as many avenues as possible to sell it. I have booked some signings and many book stores are allowing me to bring my book into their store after the holidays...it's a start! Part of me wants to dive right back into writing and the other part is pushing me back and wanting me to give everything I can right now to my family, and I think that's more than fair.

Now What? I

I'm not rich and famous yet...crazy I know. I spend a lot of my days taking my book into stores wherever I can. I was a little shocked at how easy it is regardless of the size of the store or the name. I've managed to crack into a few small book stores and even some bigger ones like Chapters... it's okay to be surprised, I was too.

It's still a little surreal to me but I imagine it will be for a little while longer. I struggled a lot with my confidence throughout the book, not because of the content but because of my writing skills...or lack of.  I was never good with grammar and to be fair I haven't done much to rectify that. Another issue I have is that I have a small vocabulary...at least I think I do. I still spend time looking up definitions and trying to find the right words to capture what I need to say. It's always been a struggle for me, but for some reason, I just accept it and move through as best I can.

I'm heading back to NYC next month with my daughter, we love when the city is lit up from the twinkling lights, decorations, Christmas Tree and department store windows. I'm hoping I can draw some inspiration from the city I love so I can dive back into creating.

Running...But Not Away XI

I thought I would be screaming my book to the world more. Annoying everyone on every social media platform I could find, but I'm not. Maybe it's just the relief of completing my story and releasing it to the world, I just think it's one of those books that the people who need it will find it and I can carry on with my other book...you must know there is another, there will always be another. A few book stores have agreed to carry my book, one has booked me for a authors signing and slowly I will make my mark and in the meantime I just keep writing...

Book Released!!!

Thank you to all who have followed my blog, I hope you will continue to. Yesterday I published "Crazy On The Inside, A Memoir of Nobody Special". It is available on Amazon and KU and although it is similar to the blog it is also very much different and more detailed in my adventures.

I appreciate all who have helped and supported me, if you decide to get the book then I would like to extend my gratitude and if you decide not to and meet me back here for entires then I appreciate that too.

January will be 5 years since I started this blog...I'll get back to it as soon as a little of the dust settles and I figure out my sites.

Thank you again...much love and appreciation.

Available in paperback and ebook!

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1701860201

Running...But Not Away X

Final edits arrive tomorrow and then all that's left is formatting before I upload my manuscript onto Amazon. My cover is done and I couldn't be happier. I designed my vision and hired an artist to bring it to life...it's all so unreal. Years before I ever opened my marriage or had my youngest I wrote on a piece of paper that I would call my book "Crazy on the Inside, A Memoir of Nobody Special", always feeling that way because I never fit in but never knowing exactly how I would address it or come to terms with it...and then I changed my life and the pieces all fell into place. It's almost like I was writing the book in reverse.

I've started to research book festivals and trade shows all over the world. I gave up the agent so now it's all up to me to market and sell my story...and it's worth every last breath just to be able to tell my truth rather than their lies.

Running...But Not Away IX

I closed the blinds today. The ones that look at my neighbours house...I closed them. I don't think I ever closed them, always afraid it wold make me a prisoner in my own home I left them open for the others to be uncomfortable and never give an inch. I closed them because leaving them open only hurts both and I don't want to contribute to that any longer. I keep thinking that if I would have prayed and wished for them to do better then I wouldn't be looking at them again...but here they are. I want to forget I ever knew them, I want to forgive all the trauma they caused us and more than that I just want to move on...for everyone to be able to move on.

The wheels of my writing are moving, even if they are grinding. I was asked to be a contributing writer for another woman's book...she's famous. I don't know if they will choose my essay but I was asked to submit one so I wrote one and emailed it last week.

I was back in NY last week and met up with Joseph, it was nice to know we could still laugh together and be friends. He looked good, happy and healthy like he used to be. We had dinner and wandered through the city laughing while remembering all the fun we had over the past few years.

Now I sit and look out my back window waiting on final edits, it's so close to being able to fly...