New York State of Mind XXIII

Leaving Brenda is like leaving the spa after a day of pampering, she is the best company and stylist I've had in 37 years.  She's like a bartender at a neighbourhood pub except I leave having fabulous hair instead of feeling intoxicated with a hangover waiting in the wings.  I didn't tell her everything but I started to, and maybe laying a foundation and building on it slowly is best when discussing my life.

I got home in time to put my daughter to bed, I never pack my luggage while she is awake and I have no idea if it's better or worse for her to wake not knowing that I left in the middle of the night.  I made a note to start and make her a part of the process so she is prepared for my absence rather than traumatized from it.  The night before I leave I lay with her and we turn on the stars in her room and giggle and talk...she is a beautiful creature I am always amazed by.  I can feel her little body go limp as she starts to doze off and ever time I leave I wish I didn't have to.  I lay with her long after she has drifted off and pray to the stars that I will get better.  I crawled out of her bed and off of her tear soaked pillow and instead of counting down the days until I leave I counted the hours till I returned.

I turned off the stars and closed her door it was time to pack.  I had become a pro at organizing and cramming all my shoes, purses, clothes, and toiletries into a suitcase that barely ever came in under weight at check in.  Dan was walking the dogs so I opened a beer, turned on some Marley and started to get lost in vacation mode...twelve hours till wheels up...

New York State of Mind XXII

After dinner with my family I jumped in my car and headed to see Brenda.  One of my favourite things to do before any trip was visit my hairdresser.  Brenda has been doing my hair for around five years and she is simply an amazing woman.  I found her because I used to work with her sister and both of these women are incredible; they are the epitome of strong, beautiful, confident caring people.    Getting my hair done was another escape for me that I have come to enjoy.  Brenda is not your ordinary stylist by any means.  She built her own studio, renovates her own house, does all of her own landscaping, gardening and hard work.  This woman is anything but lazy, in between appointments she will mow her lawn and paint her bedroom, fix a leaky faucet or add tile to her ceiling...I get exhausted hearing about her days.  But Brenda is one of the kindest souls I have ever been blessed to know and have in my life, even if she is only present as my hair dresser.  I can get lost in her stories for hours and she can make me laugh, cry, think, imagine and look incredible.  She has made me realize how important she's become to my transformation because she is a standard that I would like to strive for, practice and become.  I have never heard her speak a negative word about anyone, not even those that try and take advantage or use the family card; I am in awe of this beautiful creature.  Her character tells me that she is truly happy in her life and the direction it is headed.  She has goals and dreams and is doing everything she needs to read them; nothing stands her way,it's like she has always known that if she walks in that direction it will bring her to her destination...how beautiful is that.  

I sat in my car for a few minutes outside of her home.  I trust her and I'm going to open up to her if for no other reason then I can speak my heart and have no judgement passed.  The more people I find like her the more I want to surround myself with them because it's a comfortable arena for me to just be...

New York State of Mind XXI

The excitement and anxiety leading up to Chicago was becoming overwhelming, sometimes I felt like I was going to burst and other times crumble.  It's almost like there has to be a complete destruction of who I was in order to build who I want to be, it's a crazy mess I just keep trying to find my way through.  I've come a long way...I think.  I feel different and act different and the transformation is becoming more clear to me but it has become a monumental task.  Im comfortable tearing down my beliefs, fears, relationships, moral and values in order to build the new and improved me.  I've started to mentally prepare myself for the reality that not everyone will like the new me, the real me, the me that has stood off to the side for fear or standing out.  I'm starting to feel okay with it though because I have a comfort now with who I am that was non existent before.  The strength and confidence I am gaining is like nothing I have ever felt before and I know it has to be because I am finally stepping into my own life and following what I believe and value.  I know longer hate the life I was escaping and I can understand how others find comfort in it, perhaps if there was no darkness then I would have embraced it too.  One day I will get to the point where the whispers and giggles won't even make me turn my head, there is no shame or embarrassment in living the life you want...after all your judgement does not define me at all, in fact it is only a reflection of your character.  I'm stepping away from the control that I used to need to make sure noone ever found out, some will like me and some will be uncomfortable around me and it is not up to me to control or lead you one way or the other.  Don't get me wrong I am guilty of being the judger because it somehow suppressed my own fears and anxieties, but that part of Natalie is being destroyed because it's no longer necessary in order for me to survive.  It almost seems crazy that the one behaviour I feared in others was the one I let stand out in myself...gross.  I would rather stand alone and comfortable in who I am then stand with everyone and hope I blend to hide the fear, shame and embarrassment.  It feels amazing to be this free; no longer allowing others opinions to have weight in my life and genuinely being okay within myself for what you think of me...I can't help but wonder...how much more destruction has to happen before the building phase can be complete...

New York State of Mind XX

Football season is my absolute favourite time of year.  Saturdays are spent driving countless hours to watch my son play and Sundays are spent with great friends yelling at the TV and having every device open to check our fantasy leagues.  My weekends cruise by without so much as a blip in my thoughts...but it's easy to avoid the mess when I'm too busy to pay attention to it.

My kitchen on Monday mornings was the equivalent to a frat house kitchen; counter tops are covered in empty cans, bottles and left over food.  I started the process of cleaning and cooking because Monday morning therapy would be in session soon and I wanted to be ready.  Dan and I haven't had a lot of time to connect lately and it is largely due to my absence over weekends.  We spend most of our time talking about football and our fantasy teams, we have moved into the friendship zone which is typically the case during the season.  We have developed this amazing relationship where we blend together so well that at times that it almost feels like we are the same person.  Sometimes our marriage feels more like a friendship and I think it's because Dan realizes that I need a friend more than a husband right now.  He is incredible and amazes me every single day.

My phone started blinking so I grabbed my coffee and started checking my messages.  Mike booked his hotel just across the street from mine and sent some links to restaurants with gluten free options, he really is very sweet.  I'm hoping we can replicate Atlantic City and have a great time.  I have to find a way to spend a lot of time with him and not neglect the brothers whom are already not really excited about my arrangement over our trip.  Mike has no interest in meeting them and they feel about the same, I make a mental note to never try this again because I'm already feeling stressed wondering how I will divide my time.  Mike and I have discussed me going to NY to visit him and have picked dates...now I just have to check with my husband.  Dan is just like me in so many ways and loves that we are anything but typical, I wish I had his attitude but he is so strong he carries us both effortlessly.  Thank god I get him for the rest of my life.

I have retreated into my bubble more so these days because I realize that my life appears bazaar and if I stay in my bubble then the whispers, comments and looks can't affect me.  Friends and family have not left me...I left them.  Too embarrassed and ashamed to talk to any of them so I isolate and live in secrecy...in my thoughts they are embarrassed by me.  You can't just change a thought that has become a strong belief and it is easier for me to leave then stand and defend.  I have never been strong or confident in who I am...I was robbed of that luxury.  Mike has become my friend in the darkness and having him hold my hand makes me feel less scared and Dan is well aware of that.  Over the past few weeks even he is relieved that I have someone who can identify with me and not care about the scars.

I barely heard Dan grab a coffee and sit down beside me.  Monday morning therapy was now in session...

New York State of Mind XVIIII

I woke with a hand on my face and to the sound of little snores in my ear...it's comforting and sweet.  I rolled out of bed and left her with Dan to sleep the morning away while I prepared for kick off.  Every Sunday we host a full day of watching football and it has become a great distraction for me and I imagine for Dan too.  I only have a few days left before Chicago and I am excited to see and spend more time with Mike.  I try not to think about it because it's important for me to stay in the here and now for my family but sometimes when I can feel the darkness and tears start to surface I run away in my head and hide in a place it can't find me.  Sometimes I feel like I constantly have to remind myself to focus and it's becoming a part time job I wish I didn't need.  I don't know if I'm hoping for this to be something that becomes habit or what will be the end game.  I guess happiness and fulfilment but I have no idea if I am even on that path, maybe I need guidance and a clear game plan.  How do you know the path to take when you have no idea where you are going or what you are looking for?  What a fucking mess.

I started the crock pot and added all the ingredients for chilli, filled the fridge with beer, put out the chips, dips, cookies, crackers and veggies and made a coffee.  Things have changed for me and I can feel it.  I'm stepping more and more into my own life and out of your norm, I am trying to shake the need to hide or conform but old habits die hard.  I have completely isolated myself from those that live the life I am trying to escape and have walked away from the idea that different is wrong...I am very different from those around me and there is no shame in that.  My whole life I have known I was different in the way I think and act, I have spent too much time trying to change my nature and now that I am flowing with it I finally feel peace in me.  I was three when the darkness first came into my life and there have been years that I have been able to escape it but now there is no escape, it's an abusive relationship that I can never get out of...Laura can only do so much but not everything can be erased or forgotten and my only hope is learning how I can coexist with it.

I finished my coffee and stirred the chilli.  I need a break from me, I leashed the dogs and grabbed my iPod.  My darkness may be my passenger in life but I am still the driver and everyday I take more chances on me and pay less attention to it...side seat drivers are the worst.  I put in my earbuds and hit the pavement...two hours till kick off.

New York State of Mind XVIII

I crawled into the spare bed around 4 am, it was worth it to spend a little time with Mike.  This cop was an anomaly, although I only have John to compare him to so it's quite possible that Mike is normal.  I have no idea what to do with him, I don't even know what he wants from me but from the invite to Ottawa I highly doubt it's just friendship.  I make a mental note to meet Mike after my trip to Chicago and find out his intentions or game plan because I still don't believe John is not behind this in some form.

I could see my phone blinking out of the corner of my eye, who could be messaging me this early?  It was Mike...from Long Island.  "Good morning Natalie, let me know where you are staying in Chicago and I'll book my room".  He must be up this early for work; I almost forgot about him completely.  I'm excited he is coming to Chicago because we get along really well and I like him but when Mike the cop is around I forget my name.  I leave in a few days and I just need to concentrate on being at home and let the other life sit on hold, after all I can't seriously nurture that life and let my 'real' one fall apart.  I felt a tinge of excitement run through me when my mind wondered over to Dan; no matter how great or crazy these men are, my husband is incredible and I can feel the intensity towards him start to return.  I texted Mike the information he requested, texted my hairdresser for an appointment while it was fresh in my mind and I texted the cop...just because I really wanted to and liked keeping him.  I really feel that if I can find my balance between the two 'Natalie's' then I will have everything I want although part of me thinks that's a touch naive.  Riding the highs are easy, its trying to keep a float during the lows that seems unbearable.

I could see a shadow in my doorway and the big crazy curly hair made me giggle out loud.  I grabbed my daughter,  kissed her chubby cheeks and whispered how much I love her.  I took her into my bed and laid her between Dan and I...I may be sick, but I know I am blessed.  

New York State of Mind XVII

I sat at the same picnic table with two coffees and checked my messages while waiting for Mike.  I was a little shocked when he showed up in uniform and in his police car, after all we are miles out of his jurisdiction...I don't know why I am shocked anymore by anything cops do.  "Good afternoon officer".  I couldn't help but giggle just a little especially since he could make me blush just by looking at me.  "Hi Natalie, I'm glad you were in the area".  He sat down and I slid his coffee over to him.   "I didn't realize you were working, you didn't have to come".  He was staring at me and I could see it out of the corner of my eye, it was difficult for me to maintain eye contact with him and I have no idea why.  "It's no problem, I have someone taking over".  I wondered if it was John, I hadn't thought about him in a long time.  There was no way I was going to even mention that name to Mike for fear it would cause us to have the awkward conversation, I wasn't prepared to make any decisions regarding this cop anytime soon.  I have so many things I want to ask him but I feel like I'm in a mine field and any wrong question or answer could mean the end to this...I don't even know what this is.

We sat in silence for a bit although it felt like forever.  He finally spoke, "I have training in Ottawa in a couple of months, would you be interested in joining me?"  As the words fell out of his mouth and I processed them I felt instant de ja vu and I couldn't help but feel a little suspicious.  I guess the issue with dating cops is that once you have dated one you can't date others from the same division without feeling like you're dating close cousins...cousins to each other, not me.  I already know John is going to be there because he invited me and the thought of going with his colleague seems a touch mean and weird. Imagine the awkwardness of going to dinner with Mike and seeing John, or hanging out with Mike while John is there.  I wonder if John even knows that Mike texts me and I start to wonder if I'm being set up.  John is a different duck and when he is in the cop zone he can be intense and intimidating...is he testing me?  It's more likely he doesn't even care or think about me anymore.  "That's some invite officer, maybe we can discuss it closer to the date if you haven't run anyway yet". I winked and smiled to soften the light rejection.  I wonder if Mike knows the story of 'John and Natalie' and if he does I wonder how John tells that story.  There is something inside me that wants to know but I feel strongly that John and I connected through the darkness and he won't throw me under the bus...but would that change if he knew about Mike?  Ugh, my life is looking like a mini drama series with a laugh track.  "Well officer it's time for me to head home but I really appreciate you meeting me last minute again".  He walked me to my car and opened the door, "I hope I get to see you again".   I hope I get to see him again too, I like him....a lot.

I hugged the cop and jumped in my car.  I opened the sunroof, turned up the music and made my way home counting towns and thinking about my incredible life.  I have met amazing people and I love this journey, this is life and I finally feel like I'm living mine...and regardless of what you think...I'm not living a good life at the expense of my husband and children...I'm a great mom and wife...and there is no shame in being Natalie as well.