The Darkness XXII

It's funny how the picture changes when you are able to reframe it.  Maybe others didn't force me into a box to behave a certain way, maybe I did it to myself as a way to blend in; to hide the shame, fear and embarrassment.  If I put the little girl in the box then perhaps I can let her out; maybe I hold the key but still fear what I'll let out into the open if I do set her free.  They say if you face your fears then you are free of them but I call bullshit on that, I fly all the time and still throw up before every flight.  I have rode several roller coasters and still feel the anxiety in lines as I wait my turn and I still am terrified to swim in the ocean even after being in so much of it.  That little girl represents so much of who I was, dreamed about and the demons that float around and scare me into submission.  If I let her out then I have no one left to blame and if I keep her confined then I have no life left to live...not of quality anyway.  I need her in order to cross the bridge, to be happy and to see a future for myself.  I want her to free because it's the only way that I can be free and move past the nightmares and hurt.  Imagine spending decades latching onto relationships and hoping that one would fill the void and make you feel whole and the entire time that person was locked away inside you with all of your dreams waiting to do just that...

The Darkness XXI

I didn't count the towns this time on my way home; instead I got brave and decided to venture back into my own head.  I remember being completely fed up with trying to fit in with the people around me only a few months ago.  Wanting a change, wanting to break free of my shame and embarrassment...wanting to be free of my darkness.  Thinking I was trapped by other's views and wondering if I was going to have my own life.  Scared to change, terrified to tell anyone and slowly sliding into madness and a state of nothingness.  Do people live like this?  Are they okay watching the days turn to nights and everyday looking exactly like the last.  How can we not challenge or at least question the lives we live.  Perhaps there are people that sit back and are completely happy with the way they live as if it all panned out the way they envisioned.  I hope there are people like that, I hope I know people like that.  I still don't know the outcome for myself but I know that it will be better than laying in my bathroom throwing up my anxieties and wondering if this is it forever.  Life may not always work out the way I want but I refuse to be content accepting defeat...one foot in front of the other until I get to my life.

The Darkness XX

I drove to the place Mike and I have met for coffee in the past and sat in my car debating whether I should go home or go see John.  It's so difficult for me to let go of John and I can't explain why, other than he gives me a feeling that takes away my loneliness.  Every time I turn a corner or make a stride in my life or feel another week go by without a word from him I think am free...but it's not true.  I wonder if I will ever see him again, and if I do...what will that look like?  I'm scared to see him, with so much time since I last seen him I fear that the damage that could be done would be irreversible.  I used to believe that I needed John to work through my demons, or that I wanted him so that I wasn't alone but now I just don't want him to feel alone.  People like us share a glue that binds us, an understanding and sympathy that helps us care for one another regardless of the behaviour.  I have this with Mike (from L.I.) as well and although I may never see either of these men again I know that we are close friends...the only issue being that our demons cannot play nice together.

I grabbed a coffee and jumped back in my car, it's time to go home.  John is a cop and getting the best possible care besides I haven't heard from him in months...it's time for me to move forward.  I'm starting to see the complications I throw in my path and it's time to simplify.  You can't force people to be a part of your life, no matter how much you want them to be.  John knows how I feel and he knows that if he reaches out I would never turn him away...and I'm certain that's why he hasn't.

I need a new breed of friends...because playing in the dark with my demons is depressing and unproductive.  It's time to get busy on line and start recruiting...no more darkness, and Laura can put the demons to rest.

The Darkness XVIIII

I found a seat with CJ and my mother and put on my jersey.  I'm terrified and can feel the sweat drip down my back and this mornings breakfast rise in my throat, this is starting to feel a lot like Chicago. I was looking right at my mother and could see she was talking but I couldn't hear a thing except my breath and I had to concentrate to keep it under control.  I turned to CJ and clutched his arm, since I wasn't confident I could speak without trowing up I just showed him Mike's text.  He knows I haven't spoken to John in months but he also knows about my unhealthy attachment to him.

I could see the teams run onto the field out of the corner of my eye and I have to put my phone away and give this hour...for my son and for my mental health.  I'm not a doctor and Mike will text if there is any change, I have to let go and just enjoy the game while I wait.  I stood up and cheered when the captains took the field for the coin toss, I am so proud of that kid.  It's hard to believe that this is his final year of high school and only a few more football games left; his life has flown by me while I have watched mine disappear.  It's a lesson I don't want to learn with my daughter, the medication should help with that.  I thought of John's son and it kills me that so many children live without a parent because they were killed while on duty; at least there is honour in that, as opposed to having a mother who just refuses to live.  When you know better, you do better...I'll do better.

I grabbed my things off the bleaches and said my good byes to CJ and my mother.  I could see the sadness in CJ's eyes and I knew it was for me and not John, he worries about me and what my outcome will look like...I wish I knew.  I walked the field and hugged my son, I wish I could go back and have a do over.  He wasn't able to have lunch today so I handed him some cash, told him how much I love him and walked to my car.  I checked my phone but there was no messages, so I drove...

The Darkness VXIII

I stood at the gas station debating whether I should jump in my car and proceed or continue to call Mike...I got back in my car, my son has to come first.  I decided that if it was bad enough he would call me back or leave a message; I almost surprised myself with this logical train of thought.  Besides there is nothing that gives me the impression that it is necessarily bad news, maybe he just pocket dialled me.  I threw him a quick text and left it at that, until I know more I am heading straight for the game as scheduled.

This must be what Laura meant when she said the days would just start to get easier and clarity would return.  I didn't feel as panicked or scared, I was starting to be able to have coherent thoughts and could stop myself from escalating into a full blown melt down.  It doesn't take away the darkness, it can't, but it does give me the edge because it stops me from kneeling at the cage.  Everyday I feel less and less like a puddle of emotions and notice that I can focus on the things around me and not just within me.  I'm starting to feel organized and better put together; like going through a bad break up and finally turning off the Taylor Swift tunes and getting back into life.  I made a mental note to tell Mike, from Long Island, about my medication and maybe he will at least think about seeing someone to help him navigate through his own darkness.

I pulled up to the field and grabbed all my team gear to throw on, I love this hour of the week.  Watching him take the field and run the defence, then meeting him mid field to plan out lunch...my heart swells when I think of him and I just want to give him the mother he deserves.  My phone was blinking with messages, it was Mike, the cop.  "Hey Natalie, sorry to do this over text but John was hurt during a drug kick and is in surgery.  I'll keep you posted".  I could feel a lump form in my throat and my eyes fill with tears...I grabbed my things and walked to the field, five minutes till kick off.

The Darkness XVII

It was still dark outside when I jumped in my car and made my way to the football game; 5am feels like the middle of the night.  I can't really explain if things are getting better or if I was learning to put a new frame around my dreary picture.  I can feel some excitement return when I think about watching my son take the field...I owe that kid so much.  It was slowly getting easier to stay focused and engaged with my family and friends with only periods of time where my mind would wonder to NY.  My goal would be to have an escape to NY every few weeks and then when I am home I am completely home and not dreaming about what I am missing.  I need a life, something that is mine and not attached to anyone else.  Is it wrong to have a separate life for a few days a month?  If it is, then I'll happily be wrong because anything beats hopeless and vacant.

I started talking to a few people on line from NY and hoped I could find a friend or two to hang out with when I am back in town.  I'm looking forward to seeing Mike and he seems to be in a much better place but I know that is only because he's occupied with work; once he has a few days to spare the demons will come out to play.  My hope is that I can pull him away from his cage for a few days but more than that...I hope his darkness leaves mine alone.  Mike and I are like addicts and I don't know if we can ever really be anything but text friends.  He has become so comfortable with abuse that he longs for it and struggles to accept love and kindness...I imagine it's difficult to one day believe you are worthy of positive emotions when your whole existence has been built around other's making you feel worthless.  My heart hurts for him but how do I break down the fortress he has spent a lifetime securing?  One day Mike will see his greatness and I hope I'm around to witness it and see the look in his eyes when he realizes his own beauty.

I pulled over to fill up the car and grab a coffee, I still had about two hours to go.  I missed a call on my phone, it was Mike, the cop.  Hmm, Mike has never called me, only text message.  My heart stopped briefly as my mind wondered to the darkest place it could find...John...

The Darkness XVI

I woke without feeling any different and it relaxed me, it meant that the medications were not strong enough to alter me immediately.  I didn't want to take anything that was going to change me whether for better or worse, I want to cross the bridge...I just need to do it with clarity.  I grabbed the computer and my phone and made my way to the kitchen to make coffee.  Dan looked so peaceful in bed and I imagine he feels relieved and relaxed knowing I am actually fighting now rather than just standing paralyzed with fear in my nightmare.  He is a beautiful man.

I took my second pill when I got to the kitchen, made a cup of coffee and opened my laptop.  I decided to do things that make me happy until my mind can catch up with my desires.  I booked my flight back to New York and found a hotel in Queens...there was no way I was staying with Mike.  I sent in a calendar of my availability for work, keeping in mind my son's football schedule and I signed back up on the dating site.  I missed on line dating and it was a great way to kill time and get lost in other people rather than my own head.  I have no idea how things will go for Mike and I so I decided to meet more people from NY and at least build a great friend base in my favourite city.  I feel that if I can just stay occupied until the medication starts to work then I don't have to worry about falling into the vacant state.  I can't imagine a worst feeling then nothingness; no excitement or motivation...just existing...and even that hurts.

I stood at the window and looked across the field, I remembered doing the exact thing during my first marriage after my son was born and wondered how I was going to be happy...sometimes you just have to make the choice and really buy into it.  But this time it will be my definition of happiness and not yours...