A Love, A Loss, and Peace XIV

For three days I watched the clean up crews invade the house on my block, I watched the moving vans come in and load up a house full of furniture and I watched as my community stood in shock wondering how this happened. We knew the family well; wonderful people raising their family and just trying to have a good life...not unlike the rest of us. I don't know exactly what happened, its none of my business.

I went to the hospital to offer support for the family and was able to say good bye before they harvested him to save fourteen others.

The  devastation changed me, I can feel it. Life views more like a movie now that I'm watching, not able to participate with no real interest in diving back in.

We leave for Los Angeles in a couple of days and I'm clawing at the walls to run away...I don't want to come back...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XIII

It was nearly seven hours later that we were watching, while crouched down in the upstairs spare room, a robot come down our eerily quiet street with a group of officers just behind. This is it, they're going in, one way or another...that person's coming out. It felt like an instant from the team walking by my house to the ambulance being almost right in front of it. I held my breath, afraid to vomit.

Two minutes later and everyone was back to their regularly scheduled Christmas dinner, everything was cleaned up with little sign of disturbance, I almost wish I just stayed in the basement. I have no answers, I need answers...what happened? Karen called me out of my thoughts from the front door; the block was on lock down for the past eight hours so she wasn't able to get to her family Christmas after exchanging gifts with us. Dan, Karen and I stood at the front door staring at each other, trying to talk but still in shock. I hugged her after she got her coat on, she was heading to her daughter's house for the night, I was glad she wouldn't be alone. 

The magic of Christmas died for me that day. I called my father. 

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XII

We opened our gifts that Santa brought, we ate breakfast among the scraps of wrapping paper and we made calls to our friends and family. Dan had the turkey in the oven by 2pm and Karen was over visiting with my daughter and exchanging gifts while playing with all of her new toys. I finished the last of my coffee when a loud banging from the front door startled me. A police officer came through my door before I could get to it and yelled at me to get my family in the basement...a neighbour was locked in their home firing shots off with a gun. I nearly puked, my vision went blurry and my mind...stopped, I couldn't think. I stood in front of him, blank in thoughts and movement, until Dan came around the corner and assured him we would all go downstairs.

Within seconds we were all in the basement starring at each other, hoping I would have some spectacular lie to tell my daughter but fell short of all words. Dan took her aside and told her something...I still have no idea what it was. I backed into a corner and slid down the wall while tears slid down my cheeks, Christmas and the holiday's aren't easy for everyone and I wish it wasn't too late to invite their family over. I could see the flashes of light pouring through our basement windows from the emergency vehicles while listening to my daughter giggle in the background...I'm numb.

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XI

My contract followed me two days after I arrived and I couldn't fill it out fast enough. At some point when you believe it...it happens. I spent weeks waiting for edits, wondering when the next phase was going to start and trying my best to stay in my own business and not pay attention to my neighbours. It was difficult to be home at times but I was focusing on my family, my other life and anything that didn't let me get pulled into whatever was going on. I missed my friends dearly and wanted to go back to the way things used to be but that's a hope without wings.

It was easy to stay away once winter hit...prairie winters are unforgiving and relentless so most days are indoor days to avoid the instant frost bite of stepping out to watch your dog pee.

And then one day...just like that...they moved away...

A Love, A Loss and Peace X

Joseph had me twenty minutes early so I could grab a coffee and settle my nerves before my interview. I know they said they would love to represent my book but that book is attached to me and this is an interview. They showed up together, grabbed a drink and joined me...I was vibrating with excitement. I assumed it would take an hour, possibly two but never would have guessed five. My new editor and agent only stayed about an hour, long enough for her to tell me she loved my writing and wanted to help me flush out my manuscript for a tighter, fresher read...I like her. My other agent and president of the agency stayed long after and together we got to know one another and our respective stories. She's lovely, they both are. They are strong, powerful, intelligent women who want to give me a platform and support my writing career because they like my voice and see a need for it in the literary world...I'm humbled.

I watched her leave the tiny coffee shop in a small town in Connecticut. I exhaled and choked back my tears...over two years in the hunt for an agent and over three writing this one manuscript. A wave of exhaustion hit me hard when I walked into the fresh air, I spotted his truck across the parking lot and made my way over...the years of stress slid away I fell asleep in the passenger side and let it all go...

A Love, A Loss and Peace IX

I don't know if you know this about me but I'm not exactly a patient person and even less so after years of writing, editing, rewriting and querying agents on a full time basis...I want my contract. I booked my flight within two days and coordinated with Joseph for a ride into Connecticut to meet my agents...yeah, I got two. The owner of the agency liked the pitch as did her editor and together they are taking a chance on my manuscript...my story. I remember getting rejection letter after rejection letter and telling myself it was okay, I didn't want someone to represent my book just because they could sell it I wanted someone who believed in my story, connected to the deepest meaning of it and would represent myself as well as my story in the best possible way.

I wrote my coach and filled her in, she was over the moon for me...for both of us. Gay and I worked together for years going back and forth on my manuscript, countless hours editing and revising, all the classes and phone calls and it was all coming full to circle and my work was speaking for itself. I thought about my letter of resignation and exhaled knowing that I made the right choice in letting it go because I'm not a parole officer, not really anyway...I'm a writer on her way to becoming an author.

I boarded my flight a little more eagerly than usual...what did you expect? I'll be in Queens by dinner time and in my meeting by noon the next day. I closed my eyes and thought about every time I heard how difficult this is going to be, and it is, maybe the most difficult thing I have ever done for myself; but the feeling I got when I opened that email was a reward like no other...I wonder what happens now...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace VIII

It felt good to be home, we hadn't slept in our beds, played with our dogs or even enjoyed our own things for several weeks so when we walked through the door a wave of emotion hit me. I love my home, it is my favourite place most days, well it was before I left and I hope I feel like that again soon. I sit at my kitchen table surrounded by windows and open skies...it's my favourite place to write. She ran around and took inventory on all of her things then went to her room for the rest of the day, she missed her stuffed toys and bedroom more than I would have wanted.

It was only about a week after we arrived home that she started kindergarten and together I helped her make the leap to a new school, the 'big school' as she calls it. Three weeks after school started I resigned from my position of contract parole officer; I wanted my writing to improve and to write more for me and less for others. Believe it or not, after writing about 20-30 reports for the parole board a month it doesn't leave much desire to write more...I needed my creativity all of the time and writing parole reports was robbing me of that. I resigned. Effective immediately.

I started to pour more and more into my writing and into querying literary agents. I had been looking for an agent for the past couple of years to help me sell my book. Two weeks after I left my position of contract parole officer I received an email that I read over and over, "We would love to represent your book". I cried, I laughed, I exhaled and I cried some more. You know, I had over 200 rejections over the past couple of years and never once did I feel like I wasn't going to land an agent. Maybe I was too naive or just down right committed to doing this come hell or high water, I don't think it matters either way.