The Character I Play in This World VI

I have no idea if I even slept last night.  I don't feel like I opened my eyes, I feel like they were already open and everything just came into focus.  I should be exhausted and hungry because I haven't slept or eaten in days but I'm neither.  The best way I can describe how I'm feeling these days is "blah".  I am in emotional purgatory.  After days of indescribable sadness coupled with sessions of uncontrollable crying, I am finally emotionally bankrupt.  And now I move on to the next stage...mere existence.

I find myself just going through the motions of everyday life rather than actually being a full participant.  I make breakfast for my daughter, send my son a text and kiss my husband before he leaves for work.  I feel a tinge of guilt because I know I'm doing these things out of love for my family but there is no real feeling of joy behind them.  I grab my coffee and sit with my daughter while she eats her waffles and watches her favourite morning shows.  I feel vacant, like I have completely checked out.  It starts to feel like im in a lucid dream where I have some control but lack all desire.

As the room comes back into focus I realize that I must have zoned out cause there's a new cartoon on and she has finished her breakfast.  I'm an awful person, how am I not overflowing with happiness?  I've reached the point where I couldn't possibly fake a smile or care to meet with friends.  I've become a shell...I simply move around my life like a robot that's been programmed to my life.

I don't feel like I can continue the day like this.  I need a pick me up, I look over and spot my computer, I'll just check my profile.  I have 22 messages, I smile for the first  time in days...I have found my fix.