Therapy for Two XV

I drove carefully trying to see the road through my tears while Dan held her on his lap in the back seat. Her moans are much louder and the pain is coming through...she moans and I sob. Dan and I don't talk, there is nothing to say or maybe nothing that we want to say. I would give anything for one day of health for her just one day to throw the ball or have her jump on my lap. I wonder if she knows and then I stop because I can barely breathe and I can see the tears roll down Dan's face in the rear view mirror. She loves him so much, whenever I would leave bed in the mornings she would jump up and onto my side and they would snuggle for another hour. He walked her, fed her, carried her up and down stairs, taught her to swim, took her fishing and was incredibly understanding and gentle at every moment she needed him to be. I pulled up to the front doors and bailed out of the car to be able to help Dan get her out as comfortably as possible. When we went through the main doors the three ladies who cared for Django stood in a line and embraced her immediately.

They brought us into a small but comfortable room that might have felt soothing if not for the reasons we were there. We laid her down on the floor that was piled high with blankets and laid on each side of her. Still not a word, the vet came in to groom her for her needle and I could feel the sickness rise in my throat and I feared I was going to be sick all over her. She placed the tube beside her and told us to take our time. Karen wasn't there yet and I couldn't just steal her time to say good bye. I buried my face in her neck and listened to her breathe in my ear...it won't be long but I think it feels like forever for her...so I apologize one more time...

Therapy for Two XIV

I woke and she was gone. Dan had left for work and brought her downstairs to go outside and pee and then left her on the pillow in the living room. She lifted her head when I came around the corner and I can see how uncomfortable she is and her little moans tear at my heart. I called and left a message for her vet...I need guidance, I want her to give me another week...another day. I grabbed my computer and coffee and sat down beside her just like I used to do. I laid my hand on her head an stroked her forehead with my thumb. She smells different today and my other dog lays almost on top of her now. She's dying...I can't pretend that she will recover anymore...at this point she is here for me and I cannot continue to take from her anymore, she has given me absolutely everything without complaint. Her moans became louder and the phone is ringing from the vet...the last appointment I will set for her and I hate myself. How long was I keeping her alive just for me?

Dan is on his way home and our friend Stephanie is coming to watch my daughter. I have to call Karen to meet us there...it's too much, it feels too surreal and I need to stop time to just think for one minute...if time could just fucking stop so I can catch my breath.

I got dressed and let Stephanie in twenty minutes later. When Dan got home we brought Django up to our bed to lay with her for the last time...

Therapy for Two XIII

I walked in to find her trying to get comfortable. Her tail moved when she spotted me and I can see in her body that she has lost weight and behind her eyes she has lost hope. I felt Dan grab my hand and kiss my forehead. Make no mistake, this is very difficult for him but he will never crumble...he wont even waver if he knows I need him. I crawled beside her so she could lick my face without getting up to greet me. I love to sing to her and tell her that she's a good girl and she humours me with her kindness and unconditional love. I know she has to go but I can't...I have tried everything to come to terms with saying good bye...but I can't. It's like I cannot convince myself to let her go, I lean so hard on her for friendship and found in her what I always lacked in friends. How can I say good bye to her when I'm not ready? I easily move back into my guilt and struggle to find my self loathing so that I can hate myself for not being a better friend to her these last few months. She only cares I am there now. I got up and grabbed some cheese for her pain pill, she looked away from me in an effort to reject it but my tears have become convincing to her and she takes the last of her medications. Tomorrow we head back to the vet and there is nothing I can tell myself to feel better...I have tonight and maybe tomorrow...

I asked Dan to take her upstairs to be with us; he bent over to cradle her without ever saying a word...I don't think he could have said anything without losing his own composure, which he keeps so well for us. He made her comfortable on an oversized pillow and pulled me into him, I leaned hard against him and prayed...

Therapy for Two XII

You have got to be fucking kidding me! We landed in Saskatoon and slid off of the runway; they kept us on the plane for two hours waiting to get us towed. They finally let off the Saskatoon passengers so they could clear customs and get on with their lives. The rest of us were confined to the plane for an additional two hours until they decided that the plane would not be leaving again this evening and they would have to send an empty one ASAP. A six hour flight, four hours confined to the plane and then an over night in an airport waiting for an empty plane to arrive from god knows where. I fucking hate Sunwing and I was so tired at this point I was sick to my stomach.

It was eight full hours before the plane arrived from Vancouver and I would have drove if I thought I could stay awake to make the drive. An airport bench seemed like my best option at this point. Angry and tired is likely not the best combination for a drive through a blizzard. When we were finally boarding our flight home there was a representative at the gate handing out vouchers for any upcoming vacations...not even if the flight was free Sunwing!

Three hours until I walk through my door and I know she did not eat her breakfast this morning...

Therapy for Two XI

My first shot to tequila came on the last morning of the trip with Tracy. It was not quite noon but we didn't care. I tried to order a margarita a couple of days ago but I witnessed how much tequila he put into the glass so I walked it to the furthest table and left it sitting there...I didn't want to be another statistic.

We all piled into our busses and made our way to the airport. Me and another wedding party member were on a later flight and he was getting off in Saskatoon and I was going on to Edmonton. An hour and a half of waiting after the first flight took off and he and I decided to drink until we could board just to pass the time. I loved being in her wedding and that she let me bring a close friend along...and I am dying inside wondering how my best friend is doing at home and if she is just waiting for me to say good bye...wheels up...

Therapy for Two X

I woke more home sick than I can ever recall feeling before and now I feel stuck on this compound rather than being on a luxurious vacation. Dan told me this morning that Django hadn't had much change in her condition and I can't help but wonder if that is my fault for being away. The next few days are going to be agony even with close friends around me but there is nothing I can do at this point so I grabbed my towel and made my way to the shower.

I think the entire time I have been here I have only taken off my bathing suit to wear the bridesmaid dress and to put on proper clothing for dinner...otherwise I have lived in my bathing suits. I stood in the middle of my room crying in my bathing suit and floppy hat wishing I could spend the day tucked away in my room but knowing it would not be the therapy I needed. I wiped my eyes and grabbed a water...it was mainly for looks, I don't think I even touched anything but alcohol since I walked off the plane.

Therapy for two IX

The wedding was beautiful...getting ready for the wedding was nothing short of awful. The bridesmaids and mother of the bride were taxied into the town for hair and makeup which in hindsight seemed crazy since the humidity ruined it in less than an hour. Mother of the bride and step mother of the bride are not exactly best friends, throw in father of the bride and the recipe for awkward beyond comfort was thick. I had the privilege of sitting next to her half sister who at 18 years old acted like an entitled brat that lacked social skills and tact. Thank goodness for her other sister who is funny, intelligent and did everything she could to make me feel like I was part of the family. Since Leanne and I roomed together in university I was not shocked by any of this...except for her one sister who I wanted to reprimand for her awful behaviour towards anyone she spoke to.

Two hours later and we were back at the hotel squeezing into our dresses and assisting the bride. Flat hair and running make up could not be stopped due to the heat so it was pretty much a rush from my air conditioned room to the alter with little standing around time. I was first up, which meant I stood in the sun the longest and by the time everyone was at the alter I could feel the sweat pour down my back, continue down my legs and into my heels. I can honestly say I have never been so uncomfortable in my life, nor have I ever experienced sweating like this before.

It was a quick ceremony followed by over an hour of pictures on the beach with no reprieve from the sun. The make up felt like it was melted to my face and I imagined I looked like a sad or creepy clown at this point and cringed at the thought of it being forever printed as a picture and put in a wedding book...one I would likely look through several times through out my life.

Therapy for Two VIII

I have no idea how I am escaping hang overs at this point except for the fact that I may never be completely sobering up. Having my own room helps to be able to get away for a quick nap or to just run from everyone if it turns crazy at 2am. Every morning I wake and try on my dress with a little prayer that I'll fit followed by a quick assessment of the amount I could eat and drink for the day. Then I change back into a bathing suit,flip flops and my new oversized hat, I bought right on the beach, and make my way to Tracy's room where I can always find company for food, drinks and swimming...asking her to come along was one of the smartest decisions I have made. She takes me away from the madness and soothes my mental health when it all starts to become too much. I could go to Leanne but she already has so much on her plate with the wedding it would be too selfish to even ask her to make it a little about me.

Tracy was standing in the bathroom brushing her teeth when I walked in and always looked less than impressed in the mornings. She spit in the sink and grabbed her beach bag on the way out the door to breakfast. Another day under the unforgiving sun and I don't think I have seen one single cloud since my plane landed...the tan is coming along nicely...

Therapy for Two VII

Dan would hate this. After two hours he would be out of his mind looking for a way out of the compound. Don't get me wrong it's beautiful and everything is taken care of but he would only see it as a week wasted under the sun. I think three days would be the perfect amount of time to lay around and drink the days away but here I am with two of my best friends so even if time stopped it wouldn't feel so bad. The heat is incredible, even after the sun goes down...my hair has no chance in this humidity so it stays piled high on my head and off of my shoulders. The wedding is booked for day five of the trip and I wonder how the hell I am going to fit into my dress after that many days of eating, drinking and swelling from the heat...but perhaps the sweat will help me slide right into it. I ordered two more vodka-Fanta and pulled the umbrella over to block the sun that seemed to sit about eight feet overhead...

Therapy for Two VI

I had Tracy meet me in Mexico even though she was not part of the wedding...hell she didn't even know my friends. Tracy and I had so much fun in NY earlier this year that I begged her to come as my date...she agreed and brought Curtis as a secondary date...I love those two. Leanne and Tracy greeted me as soon as I stepped off of the shuttle bus; I was already buzzing nicely from the four Corona I drank on the ride over. Everything looked beautiful and although Dan and I do not do tropical or inclusive destinations I could easily see that it was top of the line.

I found my room and locked into Wi-Fi while I asked them to fix the lock on my patio doors that seemed to be broken.  He was late leaving for work, he had to wake her and carry her down the stairs...same story each night and morning. This morning he had to take her outside to pee as well and hold her up. I opened the fridge in my room and proceeded to drink the Corona while I cried and unpacked. I feel like we are missing something but I can't think of what it is. Right now she is home and comfortable...I'm not a hundred percent convinced she will recover anymore but I know she won't go without me...I cracked another bottle and made my way to the lobby to see everyone...

Therapy for Two V

Apparently Sunwing is the Greyhound bus of the skies...I was in shock and awe at how miserable flight attendants could be. The movie was not playing properly, babies crying everywhere and at one point I swear I saw a cat under a seat further down the isle. My seat was broken so I couldn't even recline to have a nap, so I stared blankly ahead and tried to ignore the couple who were a few minutes away from having intercourse beside me. I wished I was at home but I also want to be here for my friend who has been nothing but kind and supportive of my own journey since day one.

We touched down in Hualtuco and I could feel the heat flood into the plane which made everything feel sticky and uncomfortable almost immediately. I'm not a sun chaser by any means and the humidity makes me feel sick...should be an interesting week of alcoholism and sun stroke.

Therapy for Two IV

I was packed and leaving for Leanne's wedding in Mexico, I don't want to leave her but I have to go. I laid with her for a few minutes this morning and told her to wait for me...begged her to wait for me. It's snowing and dark outside but I stay lost in her for just a few more minutes before Karen picks me up and takes me to the airport. I know Dan will take care of her but I also know she hates when I leave...how am I even thinking about leaving her right now? I keep telling myself that she will get better and in a few months she will be playing fetch again but with each day her appetite lessens and she continuously loses weight. I know I am being stubborn but I have to be sure...I can't get this wrong.

My rides here...I have to go but I leave my heart beside her and tell her how much I love her...one week...

Therapy for Two III

She was walking more and better today, she looks strong and I am praying this is her come back. She ate a little more this morning but I am sure that had to do with me hand feeding her like she was royalty. Some days she appears like she can walk miles and is just a little sore and others she struggles to stand and pees on herself...how will I know when it's time? I never want to be so lost and selfish that I refuse to end her pain just to prolong my happiness...but I'm not happy anymore, I'm sad and feel the loss hovering over me. She caught me staring at her from the couch and did her best impression of a healthy dog by standing on her shaky legs and coming to sit in front of me, she could only lay her head on me for a few minutes before she slowly slid down and laid on my feet. Her breath is laboured and her heart is racing, I can feel them on the tops of my feet. She has two weeks left of medications left; if things don't improve for her we may have to operate...but to be honest I don't think an operation can hep her. I think I may have lost her or lost the opportunity to save her and now she exists for me...while I was going through my own struggles I had know idea she was also fighting one...how could I know, she would never interrupt my journey just to save her own life.

Therapy for Two II

She stood beside me looking down at what may as well have been a thousand stairs. We were both still asleep when Dan left for work this morning and he wouldn't dare wake her...she almost never sleeps through the night anymore. I couldn't carry her down the stairs and I knew she wouldn't be able to make the trip herself. I attempted to help her into a laundry basket but she was having none of it...I felt frustrated for her so when she started to pee from what I can only assume was a mix of anxiety and holding it for ten hours I wasn't even mad. After I sopped up her mess I just sat at the top of the first step and cried wondering, 'who I am actually doing this for anymore?' Am I really saving her life or an I protecting myself? She walked over and used her nose to nudge my face softly...because that's what dogs do, they care for you when you can barely care for yourself or them. I just love her so much, I have to know that I have done everything for her...I need her to know that I would never give up and take the easy road...we fight, we fight together. I placed my arm around her neck and she slowly fell onto my lap...she is such a problem solver...and together we slowly slid down the stairs with her on my lap and licking my tears...

Therapy For Two

I wondered if my body would ever feel good again. It felt like I was in an awful car crash which, for some reason, was not enough to stop me from registering for the following year. The experience was incredible, like nothing I had ever felt before and I already wanted it again. It wasn't the runners high I craved, it was feeling of following through instead of finding excuses as to why I could not. I spent a lot of my days watching Django and hoping for her to walk a little longer or further; Dan and I even went and bought enough carpet runners to cover the tile and hardwood so she would always have traction. I noticed the other day that if her legs slid apart that she didn't have the strength to bring them back together and I didn't want her to have to struggle more than she already was. She seemed to do better on the days I was home with her and I wondered if it was because I was at a constant nurture state with her and on days I was out of the house she seemed to walk less if any in the evening. She couldn't climb the stairs anymore to my bedroom so Dan started to carry her again so she could be with us. In the beginning of her life with us I remember him carrying her up and down the stairs and here he was again, true to form, making sure she was safe and as comfortable as could be. My heart never takes a break aching for her and I can see the sadness in her eyes now and I pray and beg for her not to give up...I know we can do this...we have to...

Through Her Eyes VIII

I sleep most of the time now and only eat when she sits besides me and cries, I know what she wants but I just don't feel hungry anymore. She runs a lot now and seems like her old self...maybe even better if she didn't have to worry about me. She only cries with me these days and I think she is strong again...I was strong for her when she needed me to be and carried her along taking care of her little and now she carries me through the days and our hearts are linked. I only needed to make it through the other side with her. She feeds me cheese but I know it has pills in it, they make me sleep and my person hopes that one day I will miraculously recover like she did...but I won't. The days pass by in my haziness of life and I can't or won't let go until she is ready...I don't want to sleep but I no longer have the option...I want to play but my days of fetch are gone, but you can't tell her that because she won't believe you...she will fight you and hate you and hold me...she is my person and I am her dog...