Therapy for Two XIII

I walked in to find her trying to get comfortable. Her tail moved when she spotted me and I can see in her body that she has lost weight and behind her eyes she has lost hope. I felt Dan grab my hand and kiss my forehead. Make no mistake, this is very difficult for him but he will never crumble...he wont even waver if he knows I need him. I crawled beside her so she could lick my face without getting up to greet me. I love to sing to her and tell her that she's a good girl and she humours me with her kindness and unconditional love. I know she has to go but I can't...I have tried everything to come to terms with saying good bye...but I can't. It's like I cannot convince myself to let her go, I lean so hard on her for friendship and found in her what I always lacked in friends. How can I say good bye to her when I'm not ready? I easily move back into my guilt and struggle to find my self loathing so that I can hate myself for not being a better friend to her these last few months. She only cares I am there now. I got up and grabbed some cheese for her pain pill, she looked away from me in an effort to reject it but my tears have become convincing to her and she takes the last of her medications. Tomorrow we head back to the vet and there is nothing I can tell myself to feel better...I have tonight and maybe tomorrow...

I asked Dan to take her upstairs to be with us; he bent over to cradle her without ever saying a word...I don't think he could have said anything without losing his own composure, which he keeps so well for us. He made her comfortable on an oversized pillow and pulled me into him, I leaned hard against him and prayed...