New York State of Mind XIIII

Two yards!  Ugh.  First game of the year against their biggest rivals and the provincial champions and we lost by two yards.  I felt terrible for him as we met mid field for our hug and quick chat before he made his way on the bus and back to the school.  He was impressive as usual but it's never easy playing against a much larger team that doesn't feel the effects of exhaustion.  This kid is remarkable and I am completely blessed that I get to be his mother.  I told him I would pick him up and take him for lunch after the team meeting and showers.  I still had to hug my mother and tell CJ about my surprise guest.

I walked back to the parking lot to find my mother and CJ people watching and catching up.  I have the best family.  These two are hilarious to watch and feed off of each other for who can outdo the other with best comment.  My family is not perfect in the least and it used to bother me because it acted as a reminder that neither am I but my family is amazing.  We are resilient, strong, passionate, crazy, intelligent, intense, driven people that will band together even when we don't necessarily talk or like each other.  It took a lot of time on my part and maturing to realize that I actually love the way my family functions because at least it's real and not manufactured.  Once you are part of the family there's no leaving; ex-husbands and wives are still part of us and I think that's amazing.  There have been times that I have gone years without speaking to a brother or sister and now I can't even think of a reason good enough to ever be okay with that...I know I am changing and it's reassuring to see that I am becoming a better version of me.  CJ has become my best friend over the past several months; he supports my choices and never judges me.  I have called him more than once for reassurance and comfort and he never lets me down, I would feel completely lost and scared without him by my side telling me 'it's okay'.  I remember times growing up that I wished my family was 'normal' and acted like everyone else's and now I am grateful that we are too amazing to ever be labelled 'normal'...I belong to this crazy tribe and I feel blessed to claim them.

I hugged my mother and we said our good byes; I told her to keep me posted for next weeks game as I'd be in Chicago.  CJ walked me to my car and I slowly let the cat out of the bag as I told him about Atlantic City and Mike.  I didn't think he would be upset but there was still a part of me that felt bad for inviting a stranger on our annual vacation.  His only question was how I was able to change locations on the dating site; I love this guy, he is part of my tribe.

New York State of Mind XIII

It was barely light out when I finally made it through town and hit the highway.  The past few days were effortless and I enjoyed being home and with my family, perhaps knowing my next leave was already booked helped that along.  Having something to look forward to kept me in the present and I hadn't spent much time lately stressing that my life was passing me by.  I refuse to get lost in my husbands or children's lives; it's not fair to them or myself.  I want more and I want a genuine feeling that I am an individual.

It doesn't feel like it was that long ago that I was making this same drive almost every weekend to visit with Leann and Christian.  Every Saturday at 5 am for the past two years during the football season I jump in my car, drive eight hours, watch my son play football, take him to dinner then turn around and drive right back home.  It is the only time I allow myself these days to get lost in his life and let mine fall away.  When he takes the field I am mesmerized.  He trains like it's his job; his love for the game flows through him and watching him fills me with so much pride and happiness.  For one hour a week I don't think about anything, I just watch him do what he loves and he is absolutely brilliant at it.  I have a sense of relief because he has something that he is passionate about and is all his; maybe he won't have to take the same path my mother and I have been walking for far too long.  I wonder if my daughter will have the same curse and hope she can escape it like her brother.  I remember watching him play in his first year and he was so small and young and could barely play a position.  Every year he went to his coach and asked to play quarterback and for three straight years they turned him down without ever letting him throw the ball once.  He was defeated and so upset by the system that allowed volunteer coaches to play their children first regardless of talent...but he didn't quit or bitch about it he just grabbed his cleats every year and showed up to play.  I have no idea how he did it, all his friends quit the first year and he stayed, he didn't like his teammates and he stayed, he was treated unfairly by coaches and he stayed...that is love.  When he was finally given a chance to try out for quarterback he got it, we joked that it was because he finally had a coach that didn't have a kid on the team but I never missed the chance to reinforce that it was due to hard work.  There is something beautiful when the realization hits you that you did everything you could for your child and not only was it enough but he is taking full advantage of his opportunities...I could learn something from him.  He and I have an incredible relationship and bond, I took an interest in football when he fell in love with it and at times it has acted as our common ground.

It's the first game of the year and the lot is packed, I grabbed my sunflower seeds and walked the hill. CJ and my mother saved me a seat in our schools crowd.  I made a mental note to tell CJ that I am bringing a friend to Chicago.  This is it, the first game of his final year in high school and he gets to take the field as a captain.  My heart fills and everything else slides away...it's kick off...

New York State of Mind XII

I got home late last night thanks to an extra long unplanned lay over in Toronto.  Dan was already asleep and I didn't want to wake him so I slept in the spare room.  I could hear him getting ready for work so I climbed out of bed and met him in our bedroom.  He looked great, refreshed and beautiful. Dan never made me feel bad, I never had to worry about awkward moments or backhanded comments after I returned home and this isn't anything new, Dan has always been this amazing...sometimes I would swear he was made just for me.  He caught me up on his days of playing in the park, going to the farmers market, swimming and bedtimes.  Our daughter is the exact mix of our personalities and I love watching the two of them together.

We walked downstairs and made coffee and breakfast together.  I told him all about New York and Atlantic City and the awful experience I had trying to return the car.  "Why didn't you just send Karen in to deal with it?"  I could see him smile as he said it, he knows what she is like when dealing with people.  "Because it would have either turned into an international incident or looked like a hate crime".   Dan and I had a running pool of when and where Karen would first be arrested...we just assume it will be for something along the lines of assault, or road rage.  I grabbed the coffee and he brought the plates to the table.  "I invited Mike to come to Chicago when I go and he booked his flight".  I don't know exactly what I was expecting so it was nice when he smiled, "that's great, sounds like you had a good time".  I did, I had an amazing time learning about him, meeting his crew, dinner, drinks and breakfast.  Mike was a perfect gentleman and I like that there are no expectations, we just hang out and chat and I can feel us getting closer.  I haven't discussed or disclosed my darkness to him and somehow I don't feel it is necessary; he knows I have it and doesn't ever ask to see it.  

We continued talking about the week and I was completely engaged and it felt like it used to...nothing was missing.  Dan is my best friend in every sense of the word, he is understanding even when he doesn't really get it, he is compassionate, forgiving, honest, and has never once made me feel judged or embarrassed for being broken.  I feel like myself again, but it won't last because I've been working at getting rid of her...but I need a break and more importantly so does Dan so I won't fight it.  He left for work and I made my way up the stairs to see my little beauty.  She was still asleep clutching her blanket and favourite stuffed animal.  I crawled in beside her and just enjoyed the fact that I was exactly where I wanted to be...

New York State of Mind XI

Karen woke me at an ungodly hour to go for coffee, stroll through Central Park and get a last piece of cheese cake...it was still dark out.  I'm always game for squeezing in as much vacation as possible.  I walked out half in pyjamas and half in my running gear, my hair looks like a rats nest on top of my head and with sleep still in my eyes.  Karen gave me a once over and I flipped her off, this wasn't a beauty contest we are going for breakfast cheesecake and there is no class in that.

We walked down 7th Avenue; the lights from Times Square lit up like the sun and hurt the eyes.  Starbucks was still closed so we stopped in at a diner and grabbed some coffee for our middle of the night walk through Central Park.  I should have been scared but Karen is far scarier and meaner than anyone that's going to jump out of the bushes.  Every time I walk through the park I see new things and it's becoming like a kinder surprise.   I find myself looking for certain places I have seen in movies or television and pointing buildings out to Karen.  This has been one of my favourite trips to the big apple and I'm looking forward to coming back again and often.  I steered Karen towards an exit because we were nowhere ready to leave for the airport and she still insisted on strawberry cheesecake  for breakfast.  We were the only two in this enormous restaurant except for a man working on his computer so we invited him to eat with us.  I almost fell over when he said he never had the cheesecake...here we were at 6 am in pyjamas stuffing oversized amounts in our mouths like were heading to the electric chair rather than the airport.  Thank god no one is here to witness this display.  I paid the cheque and we walked the couple blocks back to our hotel, the sun was starting to make an appearance and I felt a tinge of sadness knowing I'd be on a flight in the next couple of hours.

I did a swan dive onto the bed and silently hoped that Karen would offer to pack my suitcase or just take the initiative...she didn't.  I finally got motivated to shower, dress, play a game of candy crush and jam everything I owned into my suitcase.  We walked down to the lobby to grab a cab to the airport, I could use a little cheering up and watching Karen deal with cab drivers is always good for a laugh.  She's aggressive before she even opens the door and I like to play into that hand.  After checking in and making our way through security we sat at our gate and people watched for about an hour.  I felt relaxed and ready to head home, I knew I'd be back and I was pretty excited that Mike is coming to Chicago.  I could hardly wait to see Dan and fill him in on my trip, I wish I could be better for him...I'm working on it and finally feel like I'm at least heading in the right direction.  This is solely based on the fact that I feel comfortable and like I belong somewhere.  We boarded the plane and I handed Karen my headphones, I preferred to collect my thoughts theses days and plan out my next move...it was like constantly planning a vacation and I loved it.  My life was becoming a little more of my own and it made me feel a little less empty...

New York State of Mind XI

I got back to the room in time to find Karen packing the last of her clothes and toiletries.  I left some money on the dresser to pay for my three beer and grabbed my things.  I wanted to be back in Manhattan for dinner and we still had to drop the car off in Jersey and grab a bus.  We looked the room over to make sure we didn't forget anything...I didn't bother to tell Karen that if we had left anything behind Mike could bring it when I see him Chicago in a couple of weeks.   I have no idea how she would react to that and I am not capable of dealing with those dramatics right now and just want to get on the turn pike.

It took us forty five minutes to finally get out of town...one strip in the city and we just couldn't find a way out for some reason.  At one point I told Karen if I had seen the hotel one more time I was going back in to get a room.  Even when we finally managed to get on the turn pike it was so confusing it took us almost four hours to drive what took us an hour and a half the day before.  Apparently once you make a right hand turn you're screwed and back in Atlantic City trying all over again to get the hell out.  When we finally found the car rental company they were in the midst of closing and to add insult to injury the kid behind the desk refused to take the car because it was after 4pm.  So there I was yelling through the door that it's 4:02pm and they can just take the keys.  The manager came to the door to tell me he couldn't accept the car because it was late and to come back tomorrow; I politely relayed that I was flying out of LaGuardia first thing in the morning and couldn't come back.  I took a breath and walked away before the potted plant went through the front window...I was hung over, car sick, exhausted and now pissed off to the point of tears.  After a lengthy conversation with customer service they allowed me to take the car to the Newark airport...at least they have a train to Manhattan.  I jumped back in the car and proceeded to try and calm Karen down; we google mapped our trip to the airport and tried to find our way back to the turnpike; we turned left and got stuck in traffic from the Giants game...I wanted to kick the windshield out of the car but all I could do was laugh until I finally cried, exhaustion plays with my emotions recklessly.

We finally arrived at our hotel four hours after sitting in traffic with pissed off Giants fans.  I would have left the car on the side of the road if the airport refused it.  Karen and I walked down Times Square to my favourite place; I can't eat wheat but after today I ordered two slices, a beer and a black and white cookie...I couldn't care less how much worse this would make me feel.  We sat in silence and ate, I couldn't help but laugh...I had an amazing time and I'm ready to go home and see my family.  I miss Dan and our Monday morning therapy sessions.

New York State of Mind X

I spotted Mike in a corner booth drinking coffee and looking at his phone.  He looked rough and I know I look the same.  He looked up and I wondered if he noticed me staring, I didn't mean to look creepy but I was worried that any sudden movement would make me throw up or fall down...I think I'm still intoxicated.  I threw my purse on the bench and slowly slid into booth, he put his phone down and I could see him smiling at me out of corner of my eye.  "Good morning Natalie, did you sleep?"  That sounded like a nice way to say, 'you look like shit'.  I placed my forehead on the table and could hear him order me coffee and water; he tousled my hair and I could hear him laughing at me.  "Mike, I'm pretty sure I'm dying".  I looked up and he was sipping his coffee and looking at me, he is so sweet and kind.  He looked rough but still great, what the hell?  We had the same night so why does he look like he slept and I look like the walk of shame.  

We ordered breakfast against my better judgement and recalled the night.  I met his work crew after dinner over drinks and they were probably the most interesting group of people I have met in a long time.  They shared stories about all the shows they worked on and celebrities they work with; I was star struck without even seeing a star.  These guys are like the mafia of television; you have to be brought into the trade and typically it is only as one reaches their retirement, there is no school for this and only a handful exist.  Mike is completely self made and is not only successful but really great at what he does.  I asked him if he would take me to work one day, he smiled and offered to take me to a taping but I'd have to be in an audience and not behind the scenes with him.  These guys are completely desensitized to the people they work for and talk like their old friends; I'm in awe listening and absorbing all the stories like there will be an exam afterwards.  We all sat around the Irish pub and listened to music, people watched, shared stories and drank way too much until we all finally made our way back to our rooms with the sun chasing us. 

I had an amazing night and felt a little sad now that breakfast was wrapping up and I had to head back to Manhattan and he had to get to work.  He paid the bill and we walked over to Starbucks to grab some ice coffees.  "So I'll see you in a couple of weeks in Chicago".  Oh yeah, that keeps slipping my mind.  I'm heading there with my brothers to watch a game, I should tell him that.  I can't believe he booked a flight and I'm starting to see he's crazy like me, not 'burn your house down crazy' but crazy enough to book a flight to see me again in a different city...I like that we share this.  He walked me to the elevator and thanked me for taking a day out of my vacation to meet him.  I teased that he owed me a full day in Manhattan...he laughed and agreed.  I already can't wait to see him again...the doors closed and I caught his last smile. 

New York State of Mind VIIII

I woke startled and scared; I'm not sure why, it must have been a nightmare.  I have a lot of those lately and I wonder if it has anything to do with my desire to let go of my life or at least exchange it for one I am comfortable in.  I guess when you stare at your own demons they fight back...it's so emotionally draining and discouraging.  Karen was still asleep and I think I may have only gotten in about an hour of ago.  I grabbed some Advil and made my way to the washroom to calm down.  I felt a chill either from the hangover or fear from whatever woke me up so I turned on the shower and laid in the bath.  I'm starting to understand why people self medicate and become addicted to street drugs and pain pills.  Laura once told me she was shocked I didn't use anything to escape; how pathetic that I clung to that statement as a way to pat myself on the back.  She is wrong though because I am an addict I just don't use drugs or alcohol; I use anxiety, worry and control to satiate my fears and forget my past while trying to have something that resembles a healthy future.  I've discovered that the more I open up and talk to strangers the more I see myself in them...maybe not myself but definitely my struggles, fears and sadness.  With this comes a comfort I have never really known or been familiar with and I imagine this is why support groups exist and maybe why I am building one as well.  It's strange when I think of how many people out there are just like me or a variation of, that hide and cling to an existence that isn't even real.  If 'normal' is used to describe the majority then I feel more 'normal' each day...and I hate that word because it has destroyed and alienated me in the past.  I'm starting to feel stronger these days and I wonder if it is because I am putting more energy into liking and accepting myself and none into hiding or running from it...playing a character for years does not become natural, it becomes draining and sad.  People will leave me, they will judge, they will whisper, they will laugh, they will be mean and call me names...but they do that now and I am still trying for the acceptance...it's all in my head, I live in there way too much.  People actually don't care and the ones that do make me wonder if my openness causes an uncomfortable feeling in themselves that they have no desire explore.  I can't let the thought of what 'other people' say, think. and do affect me because truth be told, I don't even know if it is real or imagined and it only offers me shame and embarrassment as I try and move on. 

I turned off the water and made my way back to bed.  I have become strong enough to lift myself up and stand up for who I am and what I want...I don't ever want to look back on another chapter of my own life with sadness because I hid who I was so you could be comfortable.  I like who I am and it feels amazing...I hope this is a step in releasing that little girl from her cage.

I grabbed my phone and noticed a couple messages from Mike, "Hey Nat, I booked my trip to Chicago".  Oh yeah...I invited him on my trip.  I'm meeting him for breakfast in a couple of hours and can't wait to see him again.