The Darkness VIII

Everything started to come back into focus, my head hurt and I lost time.  I probably wasn't out too long because CJ would have come to find me if I was going to miss my flight.  I was covered in swear and felt exhausted and scared.  My mind and body likely needed to be rebooted after the intense stress it has been in for so many months.  I gathered myself off of the floor and went over to a sink to splash water on my face.  I barely recognized myself, my eyes looked sunken, my skin was clammy and pale and the light in my eyes was extinguished.  I'm going to lose this war but I have to try and get on that plane.

I walked out and seen CJ on his phone sitting exactly where I left him.  When he looked at me I could see he knew something had changed in me but I can't explain it because I have no idea what just happened.  I made my way over to him, "I need a drink or there is no way I can make that flight".  He grabbed his bag and led me to the bar.  We sat at a table, ordered some drinks and didn't speak a word.  CJ has this amazing gift of just sitting back and letting me come out of my shell on my own and it is why we are so close, he just knows how to handle me.  I drank two beer quickly to take off the edge and felt instantly better, clear and without anxiety...I'm starting to have a very real understanding of how people become addicted to alcohol and drugs.  We finally started talking, or I did.  I trust CJ and I know he knows that something is happening he just doesn't know what it is or what is causing it.  I won't share my darkness, I'll leave it at anxiety because people can comprehend that.  Right now I am thankful that my flight leaves before his; I just need to make it home...I need to see Dan.  

I hugged CJ before I boarded my flight and faked my best 'I'll be fine' look, he didn't buy it but he didn't question it either.  I found my seat, closed my eyes and said a silent prayer...this is not over, there are no more band aids to apply to my life...it's time to cross the bridge...

The Darkness VII

I don't know if I choked back tears or vomit as we all stood in front of the diner and parted ways.  Trevor jumped into a cab to the airport while CJ and I headed back to the hotel to gather our things.  We still had about four hours until we left for the airport and time seemed to stand still which only added to my anxiety.  I started to feel confined and scared....what the hell is going on?

CJ and I walked around downtown and shopped for a few hours but it seemed to feel like days and every time I looked at my watch the hands never seemed to move.  I wondered if my brothers could see the sadness and fear in me, the change, the hesitation.  Did they even realize that everyday I hold on by a little string that connects me to everything I love and that I fear that I would have to let go one day to reach what I am missing?  It's all so close and I can see it like it is just on the other side of the gorge...my bridge is my darkness and it keeps me in place and alone.  I can stand on the edge and even walk along it but have never dared to cross it.  Lately I feel like I pace the edge and have even looked over the side...there is no safety net and I don't think I am strong enough to fly yet.  I can feel the intensity rise in me and beads of sweat fall down my back, I'm scared because it knows I'm looking to jump and I can feel it circling.  I started to feel light headed and I was grateful CJ pulled me out of my nightmare because it was time to head to the airport...thank God.

I tried my best to keep my head above water and in the moment but I could feel myself float away and I'm losing control.  CJ could now see my struggle and I could see the worry in his face.  We checked in and passed through security, I could feel nothing but heat and sickness.  "Natalie what's going on?"  He was concerned and to be honest, so was I.  I shook my head and snapped out of it, "I need to find a bathroom".  I think I have to throw up but I can't really think at all, I just know I don't want to be in Chicago's airport throwing up all over the floor with an audience.  I left CJ on the bench outside and walked into the bathroom.  I made my way to the farthest stall and the closer I got, the darker it got...it's coming and I can't do anything.  I closed the door and latched it, I imagine this is what a panic attack looks like...and just like that my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I felt the coolness of the floor on my back...

The Darkness VI

I watched Mike get into the shuttle to the airport and the flood of anxiety that was quickly turning to panic sent me into the ally to throw up my coffee.  I have no idea if I am feeling his anxiety or my own but it is like nothing I have ever felt before.  The feeling of loss is too overwhelming for me and although we didn't put a seal on anything I know that Mike and I will never be the same together.  I wonder if this is how his darkness deals with those who try to help; his demons have all the control and I have my own war to fight...I'll start letting go...I hope.


I wiped my mouth and wished Mike, the cop, was here to hand me some water, I felt a longing for his friendship and the thought of him made me teary.  I started to make my way back to the hotel to have breakfast with my brothers; Trevor was leaving in just over an hour and I wanted to get lost in their lives.  It's amazing how many people I have around me that would gladly take my pain, light my light and carry me to happiness or even contentment and yet it feels like I am always alone.  I imagine they look at me the way I do the little girl in the cage; they can see me and my potential and they try to coax me out but have no real understanding of why I can't take that step...Mike knows why. 


I spotted them sitting in a booth in the corner and the sight of Trevor's suitcase made me want to burst into tears...I don't want him to leave, not yet.  I sat down and ordered my second coffee of the day although I'm not sure the first one counts now that it's in a back ally.  I tried to focus on the conversation but I struggled with the fact that he was about to leave.  Something is happening that I can't explain and I am losing control and falling...it's going to be a dark day...

The Darkness V

I joined Mike at a table in the lobby bar and had to be pretty firm in telling my anxiety to fuck off.  He looked sad and tired and I imagine he is regretting this even more than I am.  I forced a fake smile and sat on my hands so he couldn't see them shake.  I ordered a coffee and could feel his anxiety coming out of his pores...his darkness is completely surrounding him and I can see him slowly retreat.  He reached over and touched my arm, I couldn't even look at him.  "I am so sorry for my behaviour last night".   I believed him because I know first hand the relationship he has with himself and how can I ever expect him to treat me with respect and friendship when he can't even give those two things to himself.  He is broken and what is worse is that I don't know if he even want's to feel whole again.  I think sometimes your fear becomes your comfort and the abuser becomes successful in making you give up and accept that you just don't deserve anything else.  Without having anyone to help and turn to, you stay lost in your darkness and it becomes who you are.  I want to hug and hold him and pull him out but I fear that he will only pull me in... I have to go because the result would be throwing away the key to my own cage.  And like a true addict, knowing the secret to stay clean the other side of me wants to escape...so I escape and I refuse to cut him loose...

The Darkness IV

After hours of listening to Mike rant about nothing important I left to head back to my hotel and felt completely deflated.  I have no idea what happened or changed, I feel like I missed a few pages of a book or I'm watching a foreign film without the subtitles.  He leaves in a few hours and I can't stop throwing up and retreating to my cage to console the little girl, the very thought of loss brings about my fear and darkness and the cage locks...again.    

I laid in the shower and let the cold water wash over me like punishment for having hope.  I can see my darkness is different than Mike's and it's obvious he feeds his when it all becomes too much; but I'm not innocent because I allow the cage to be locked and guarded...I'm allowed to visit who I am but I am not allowed to show others or let her out.  I can feel him leaving and there is nothing I can do to hold on, darkness is the abusive partner that will isolate you from those that care.  I'm sure he finds comfort being around his family because it allows him to stay in the misery that has become his blanket of comfort.  I turned off the shower and could barely stand, my body was shaking from anxiety and sudden movements sent it into dry heaving. 

I got dressed, tied my hair back and left the room...it was time to say good bye...

The Darkness III

The game was amazing and I can spend everyday with my brothers and never get sick or bored of them; they are truly great men that I am blessed to have in my corner.   I laugh the most with them and feel the least amount of sadness, the dark cannot penetrate their support and I'm dreading the good bye tomorrow.  I left them at the hotel and walked over to Mike's, he hasn't answered any of my texts and I was a bit concerned.

I knocked on the door a few times but he didn't answer.  I tried to text and call his cell phone and his hotel room...no answer.  I finally took the elevator to the lobby and retrieved a key from the lady because I was becoming a little concerned about him.  The lady agreed but only because she sent along the bellboy to make sure I wasn't robbing him.  I stood at the door and took a deep breathe, do I really want to know what is on the other side of that door?  Maybe he's with another woman, hurt, or worse...gone.  The poor bellboy has no idea of the nightmare of emotions he will witness if Mike is anything but sleeping.

The room was completely dark when we walked in and I heard Mike say, "hello?"  I turned and thanked the bellboy for coming along, he smiled and closed the door behind him.  I was so relieved that Mike was still here and a little more so that he was alone.  "Hey Mike, you didn't answer and I wanted to make sure you were good".  I expected him to flip on a light and ask me about the game...I did not expect him to flip out on me and become verbally aggressive.  I stood in the room paralyzed, confused and sick.  I don't know what gave me the right to have any expectations at all but anger never even entered my mind.  I can't even think of a reason he could be upset with me to the point of speaking to me in such a mean tone.  My eyes started to fill with tears and it wasn't because of sadness but because I knew that this was the end, or at least the beginning of it...

The Darkness II

I barely slept last night and was feeling sick from the anxiety this morning.  I laid in the shower and cried, not because I was sad but needed some sort of release of the anxiety and guilt.  I was meeting Mike for lunch and drinks before I headed to the football game with my brothers and I was hoping I would be better company, I'm banking on Heineken helping me along the way.   There is something so uncomfortable about never being able to just live, I'm always in my head and stoking the flames of my misery.  Perhaps my own key is just stepping right into my light..but I can't, not after all of this time.  I laugh at the thought of having Stockholm Syndrome with my darkness.

I finally crawled out of the shower and got ready for the day.  I was meeting Mike in an hour and I wanted to have coffee and get into a better frame of mind before that happened.  I can feel the darkness circling me and I wonder if Mike's own darkness has summoned it.  The thought of it makes me sick because Mike is all I have to share this with and I can't be around him if he can bring about my sadness.  I finished my coffee, applied some gloss, wiped my tears and left for the pub.

Mike was seated at the bar when I walked in and I found a place beside him.  He smelled great and looked even better.  We ordered wings and beer...I instantly missed Dan.  Mike is a Jet's fan but knows little about the game, so I happily took the opportunity to teach him and it is one of my favourite escapes.  We get along so well and I hope we are more supportive than damaging to each other.  We wasted away the afternoon and I was almost sad having to leave to meet my brothers.  We agreed to meet for a night cap after the game as I grabbed my purse and headed back to my hotel.