The Darkness XV

I left Laura's office with the prescription stuffed inside my purse, scared to fill it and scared to let it go.  She said that if we can control the anxiety that one day we can work through the trauma and I would no longer need the medication...I don't think I want to work through the trauma, I just want it to not affect me anymore.  I always believed I struggled with depression, she corrected me during one of our visits stating I have an anxiety disorder...I didn't feel relieved.  I have so much anger around my trauma and the constant thoughts that haunt me of how different I would be without it, as if it's not to my fault or to my credit for anything.  Maybe everything does happen for a reason but I cannot comprehend why that ever had to happen; I lose hours trying to undo it and it's futile.  I used to fantasize about a life without demons and the freedom to choose and move freely through my own life, then one day I realized it was no different than a dream that can never come true and my fantasies became a waste of time and a way for me to torment myself.

I was standing in an isle in the pharmacy when I finally made my way out of my thoughts.  I was clutching the piece of paper that proved my sickness and contemplated throwing it out but hated the thought of becoming another fixture on a long line of failed Natalie's.  I straightened the paper out and handed it to the lady behind the counter...I trust Laura and have to believe this is the best path right now.  I grabbed a seat off to the side while I waited for my magical cure to be ready.

I took my phone out of my purse and noticed a few text messages.  Mike is in Austin working and having a great time; getting ready to travel with the Daily Show and missing our conversations.  He has no idea what I am going through or that he was the catalyst for my epic melt down in Chicago...there's no reason to tell him.  Mike has been told his entire life that he is nothing or trouble and I fear if he knows this it will only undo any positive thinking he has going on right now.  I know he is a good man and I never intend to not be his friend, but right now I have to get my shit together.  He invited me to Long Island in a few weeks to visit and reconnect after the way things were left in Chicago...I agreed to go.  I figured by then maybe my pills will have kicked in and his anxiety would no longer be able to trigger mine.  The thought of returning to New York makes me happy and I feel relieved that I can still go often.

The pharmacist waved me over to educate me all about the medication; I nodded politely and faked a smile.  When I got back to my car I took a pill out of the bottle and chased it with my water.  Laura promised that one day I would wake up and things wouldn't feel so bad...Day 1, and counting....

The Darkness XIV

Sitting in the waiting room only made my anxiety rise and I was a little grateful that my old friend was back.  I prefer to feel the anxiety to the numbness, it reminds me that I can still feel and still care about myself.  I hate that I have to sit here to be viewed as patients and doctors walk by and know I am seeing a doctor, a psychiatrist no less.  Maybe I truly am crazy...what does that even mean anymore?  I have this thought in my head that I can get rid of my darkness, walk away from it and move on...and I believe it on days that I am strong.  I keep telling myself that because it was forced upon me that it can be taken out...Laura reminds me that this is not the case, it's forever stamped in my memory as a way to alter the real me.  Through no fault of my own and unable to do anything about it the course of my life was changed forever and I received the darkness as a parting gift...the hatred burns in me.

I looked up to see Laura making her way down the hall to collect me so I gathered my things and met her half way.  She smiled and welcomed me warmly while I shook and tried not to cry...at least not until we are in her office.  I walked in and sat in my favourite chair and stared blankly ahead, I have exactly one hour to recap the past several months of my life and the thought is draining.  She sat across from me, opened her book and slid the kleenex box in front of me...she can see it.  Laura is very familiar with my darkness and how it has played with my mental health.  "Natalie it's nice to see you, its been about eight months, please start from the beginning".   I grabbed the box of kleenex, took a sip of my water and started to clean up my mess of a life.

It took almost forty five minutes to tell her my journey, leaving out tidbits like Leanne getting drunk with my dates, my on line dating support group and I may have left out John but everything else made an appearance.  Laura has the best poker face as I'm looking for any expression, but get nothing...there is no judgement.  She placed her pen on her book, folded her hands and met my teary eyes, "we cannot deal with your trauma unless we can control your anxiety".  That means medication, I fucking hate that I have to take anything at all...it's not even my fucking fault, it's not fair.  It angers me instantly as if she should just be able to wave her magic wand and cure me of this awful curse...but she can't and I can't escape it.  She has tried to explain to me several times that if I take a mild medication to deal with my anxiety disorder then she will be able to help me deal with the trauma which in turn should help with my fears and anxieties as well as my secret eating disorder...that seems like quite the hill to climb.  All I hear is that my first 37 years were were an internal nightmare for me and I can spend the next several years trying to be okay with it...how can I possibly sign on to that?  She can spot the fear in me quickly, "Natalie it's a really low dose and won't alter you, it will just make it so your anxiety doesn't control you.  You'll be able to focus".  I feel like Alice in Wonderland...I can either take a pill and say good bye to my best friend or I can keep the anxiety and slide into madness...

The Darkness XIII

I laid in my closet slipping in and out of consciousness; I could hear people talking and moving around, I could see lights flicker on and off and I was paralyzed.  At some time during the night I could feel Dan slide in beside me and hold me and I can't even imagine what he must be going through.  My mind won't work and it's probably a coping mechanism I need to stop myself from becoming sick.  I don't know how it got so bad, how I fell so far...detached and lost from everything I know and love. 


Dan helped me into our bed sometime in the middle of the night, I felt drugged and disoriented which made it easier to fall back into my nothingness...at least for a few minutes.  Nightmares kept pulling me out of my sleep and I know it's time to deal with this and I can't do it alone.  I reached out and found Dan's arm and could feel him place his hand over mine, "I'll call Laura in the morning"...I could feel his body instantly relax in relief. 


I couldn't fall back asleep and laid awake wondering why the demons were so restless and strong.  The damage has been done and it's forever a mark on my life, you can't change your history and some things that were stolen can never be returned...why continue to hurt and haunt me?  The darkness will never go away, it was given to me without thought or care.  I need to change strategies...I can't extinguish it, but perhaps we can coexist.  It's time to let Natalie out of the cage and place my demons in it...I need to hold her and protect her and not let her suffer anymore.  I could never willingly watch a child suffer and it almost seems crazy that I am talking about myself and I wonder if I have detached from her too as a way to move forward.  I will call Laura...I need to join forces to avoid the switch and hostile takeover of my life. 

The Darkness XII

I wondered around my life for two days in a haze of nothingness, emotionally unattached and wishing I had more fight in me.  Mike texted the night before he left for Austin to talk about his father...it only made the weight heavier and now I know his darkness triggers mine and causes a crippling anxiety in me that I never knew was possible.  I had an awful feeling every time I thought about or spoke to Mike, but I can't let him go knowing I am the only person he has in his corner; he would completely give in to his demons...if he hasn't already.  I need to focus on me and fighting my own and at least getting back to a space where I am alive and functional...something has to give.

I called Karen during her lunch hour, I was starting to feel physically ill and it was scaring me.  She knows every inch of my darkness and right now she is the only person I need.  I can barely speak a word through the uncontrollable sobbing, begging her to come over and look after my daughter.  I want to crawl into a small space and let go of everything and everyone, I don't have much time and I can feel myself fading back into the black.  

Karen made it to my house in record time, knowing that I was struggling to just hang on.  She helped me pack a bag for my daughter and I could feel her looking at me and I know she would take it all away from me if she could.  I stood at the door and watched them leave before I made my way up the stairs to my room.  I walked into the farthest corner of my closet and slowly melted into the floor like I had in Chicago...my body and mind can't take the strain any longer and it's time for a hard reset...perhaps it will give me strength but I worry it will give me the switch...I miss John...

The Darkness XI

I woke with a migraine, probably from being dehydrated from crying.  I got out of bed, took some Advil and went to make coffee.  I was feeling a little better since I was home with Dan, he adds a comfort to me that comes in the form of unconditional love.  I don't know where he gathers his strength from but I am so grateful for it.  It's as if he was created just for me and I know in my head and heart I have added to his life and not just been an emotional dead weight.  We have travelled across Europe together, many of the states, some of Africa and toured Japan; I remember when we never had a struggle and life was beautiful.  I thought we would go our whole lives having it all figured out and being genuinely happy, and I'm sure he could have if not for my demons.  I put bread in the toaster and grabbed a coffee.

Dan came around the corner, he was ready for work and handsome as ever.  He saw the stress all over my face and just hugged me and I swear I could feel his heart break every time he has to hold my pieces together.  He grabbed his toast and coffee and joined me at the table.  He placed his hand on mine and gently squeezed it, "I'm glad you're home".  I was back in my vacant state, staring out the window, lost and scared wanting to run away from myself.  Is it crazy when you see yourself as two separate people?  One is who I used to be and all of the trauma she carries and the other is who I am today trying to escape her...or free her, I have no idea.  Some days I feel strong enough for both Natalie's and other days I worry we are the same and I can never change the pattern.  I looked over and smiled at my husband through my tears and wondered how many more months I would steal from his life before I finally let him go.  We talked a little about Chicago and the game, we laughed a little because it's too difficult not too when I talk about my brothers.  Sometimes Dan can be my favourite distraction, he makes me laugh out loud, sings to me, surprises me and cares for me like no one else can.  I just have to get over that bridge...at least one of us will be free, but I'm hoping for both.

He grabbed his computer and hugged me before he left for work.  I still hadn't heard from Mike and I'm not sure I ever will again...perhaps he'll leave like John.  I made my way up the stairs and crawled into bed beside my daughter...she looks identical to me when I was her age and sometimes I look at her and see me without the cage...

The Darkness X

It was almost 3 am when I finally pulled into the garage at home and I have no idea how I even made it.  I can't even recall the drive from the airport; my autopilot is on and in survival mode.  I sat in my car for a while, numb and vacant knowing that Chicago was just the beginning.  At times I feel so angry that I have a need to change and that I just can't be happy in my perfect life...it seems unfair to be so restless.  Sometimes I can't leave well enough alone.  I have to know that this feeling in me means something and that my future is worth saving...that all my dreams and plans actually meant something to me and were not manufactured but honestly desired.  I'm so sick of being sad and even the other parts of me are tired of my constant complaining and whining...depression doesn't live here...not anymore.

I washed my face, brushed my teeth and crawled into bed beside Dan.  I placed my hand on the middle of his back and silently cried, I hope he knows how sorry I am.  I hope my children will continue to love me and see in me what offered them conform before...I hope I chose the right path.  I want to look back one day when I am through this and be a whole person that is able to be happy and free and no longer live in the confines of that cage.  My fear is that even if that happens I may lose so much along the way, I can still hear his words "I am always going to love you and I will always be your friend but I may not always be your husband".  Where is the balance for what I will gain and what I can potentially lose?  I could always go see Laura and take the pills...it hurts my heart that I can even consider becoming another stage of Natalie that just didn't fucking care enough about herself.  Monday morning therapy is going to be a dark bitch...

The Darkness VIIII

I slept most of the flight and my buzz had worn off.  We touched down in Calgary and anxiety filled my stomach...I have two and a half hours until my next flight leaves and all the bars are closed.  I managed to make it through customs without shedding a tear but it's only a matter of time.  I found my gate, plugged in my phone and called Dan.  He has become the perfect coach for me and helps me stay focused, but every now and then I remind myself that this is just another way to suck the life out of my husband.  Dan has no idea what I am bringing home with me, his wife is gone and I don't think she is coming back.

I sat in a corner and sobbed uncontrollably.  I have become a hostage to my darkness.  I imagine John, Mike and I represent the stages of being pulled into the depths of our own trauma and fears.  John has walked through and has completely given in and as a reward he was blessed with the switch...although I still view it as a curse.  Mike is in the heart of his struggle and I am watching him descend into his madness hoping for the switch just to have some relief...and I am standing at the bridge hoping I am strong enough to fly or fight.  How do you fight against something that has controlled you for most of your life?

I was emotionally bankrupt by the time I found my seat on the last flight.  I know I am barely hanging on and I am terrified thinking about my future.  I would rather give up than have my next 36 years reflect my past 36...I can't bare the thought of visiting that little girl in the cage anymore.