The Darkness VIIII

I slept most of the flight and my buzz had worn off.  We touched down in Calgary and anxiety filled my stomach...I have two and a half hours until my next flight leaves and all the bars are closed.  I managed to make it through customs without shedding a tear but it's only a matter of time.  I found my gate, plugged in my phone and called Dan.  He has become the perfect coach for me and helps me stay focused, but every now and then I remind myself that this is just another way to suck the life out of my husband.  Dan has no idea what I am bringing home with me, his wife is gone and I don't think she is coming back.

I sat in a corner and sobbed uncontrollably.  I have become a hostage to my darkness.  I imagine John, Mike and I represent the stages of being pulled into the depths of our own trauma and fears.  John has walked through and has completely given in and as a reward he was blessed with the switch...although I still view it as a curse.  Mike is in the heart of his struggle and I am watching him descend into his madness hoping for the switch just to have some relief...and I am standing at the bridge hoping I am strong enough to fly or fight.  How do you fight against something that has controlled you for most of your life?

I was emotionally bankrupt by the time I found my seat on the last flight.  I know I am barely hanging on and I am terrified thinking about my future.  I would rather give up than have my next 36 years reflect my past 36...I can't bare the thought of visiting that little girl in the cage anymore.