The Phoenix VIII

I met Vince in my hotel lobby and and we walked down 7th to grab a drink and it's funny how Manhattan never shuts down.  The pub we chose was still half full so he parked ourselves at the bar and ordered a drink.  I haven't seen him since we first met in Queens and only texted a couple of times but I liked him, he was just a really nice guy.  I tried to forget that he always carries a gun and it seems so foreign to me and unnecessary, I have never even been harassed in the city let alone encounter a time I needed a cop.  I was exhausted as I started to come down off of my high of running for flights so we did a shot and watched the sports highlights of the week.

It was nearly 4am when I finally tapped out and had to say good night.  He walked me back to the lobby and caught a cab to Queens, I'll see him in a couple of days.  I went up to my room and tried not to unpack too many things because I want to easily move tomorrow.  I debated sleeping fully dressed but after I turned down the bed and fully inspected it I felt comfortable enough to take off my shoes...the socks stayed.  I have about five hours until Carl gets into town and since I only get him for the one night I want to be fresh as a daisy and ready to enjoy our time together.  I always get excited to see him, he's the perfect male friend and my favourite NYC date.  I attempted to turn on the television because I love falling asleep to it but alas the remote was lacking batteries...I have no idea how this is the same hotel I stayed at several times before.  It's like they put a run down motel inside a Hyatt, just a few more hours...besides...I'm in Manhattan...I wonder how long that will take to wear off.

The Phoenix VII

My jeans weren't even dry as I walked off the plane but I was still able to smile at the nice lady when she apologized to me for the umpteenth time.  I said a little prayer on my way to the luggage carousel not really sure at this point if I wanted my luggage since it would be easy to get into the city without it and they could drop it off in the middle of the night...however smelling like a barista does nothing for me so luggage it is.  I stood half way between the lost luggage counter and carousel feeling like I just spent a day on the Amazing Race, I need a drink.  I almost shed a tear when my bag came through the small door, I didn't even notice I skipped over to retrieve it until the security guard started laughing at me.  I easily found a shuttle bus and was on my way into the city within fifteen minutes.  I never get tired of looking at the beautiful skyline and it is even more breathtaking after midnight.  I didn't even care that I would have to walk with my oversized bag eight long blocks to my hotel; or that Vince was working later and our evening drink was now a 2am drink, which was perfect since Manhattan never shuts down.

I checked into the hotel and was overly excited to change and hit the town.  I had stayed at this hotel before so I was shocked when I walked in and seen an outdated dirty room; last time everything was state of the art and beautiful...wtf?  I made my way back to the lobby where they happily switched me rooms and apologized for the less than clean decor.  The second room may have been better...or worse?  I wanted to throw up except the bathroom wasn't even clean enough for me to do that.  Back on the elevator I went and tried my best to ask the young man for yet another room.  "My apologies ma'am but those are the only two rooms we have for the night".  I dropped my head in my hands, there is no fucking way I am staying in either of those rooms for the duration of my stay.  I looked at him and nodded, he doesn't have anything else tonight so I smiled my best smile and started the negotiation process.  

A half hour later and I was walking out of the lobby looking for a Starbucks.  We agreed that the cleaning crew would scour my room and I would stay in it tonight and instead of reimbursing me for the night they will kindly move me to a newly renovated room the next afternoon.  I'm really starting to buy into the whole idea that a different frame of mind can reframe any situation.  I stood on the corner of 42nd and 7th next to some guy and waited for the walk light.  I looked over to break the awkwardness of there being only two of us in Times Square, I nodded and smiled at the familiar face...another light in my dark start of the trip.  In Manhattan anything can happen...I guess that is why my heart and soul belong there.

The Phoenix VI

I finally made it to Toronto and wished my new friend luck before I broke into a full sprint to grab my luggage and make my way through customs...already three hours behind from cancelations.  The system is a nightmare, I'm standing looking at an enormous board on the wall that looks like it was taken from Grand Central Station searching to see if my name pops up.  The idea is that when you see your name then they have your luggage and you can pass through customs and then security.  I started to panic because the wonderful ladies at the airport moved me flights at least three times and I am hardly convinced my luggage was ever on my flight and without it I can't go through customs because it has to fly with me.  Still, I'm heading to NY so I can't complain.  After twenty minutes I made my way to a counter and explained my situation and the nice gentleman kindly put down the sandwich he was stuffing into his face and stamped my boarding pass so I could go through.  I can hear them calling zones to board my flight and I must look like a drug addict in withdrawal as I impatiently wait to be called up.  I walked up and threw everything on the counter and waited for the agent to start his spiel of questions.  He asked me four different times where my home was, ugh.  I keep looking over to the security line and he actually says, "you wouldn't believe the amount of people that miss their plane while talking to me".  I just nodded and gave him my best fake smile hoping he wasn't too arrogant to notice it was actually me telling him off.  After leaving I jogged to the security line while I stripped down to my shoes and threw them on the conveyor belt...wondering if I would even have any luggage when I arrived in NY.  "Final call for flight 1121 leaving for LaGuardia".  I grabbed my shoes and purse and was in a full sprint down the corridor and just made the doors.  I found my seat and let out a deep sigh and leaned against the window...I made it.  And was not even a little surprised when the lady sat back down after letting me get to my seat spilled her entire Starbucks down my jeans and into my purse...fuck it, I'm still going to NY and now more than ever...I hope I have clothes when I finally get to my hotel around 1:00am.

The Phoenix V

After weeks of pouring myself into my home life and family it felt relaxing to be standing in line at security knowing in a few hours I'd be walking out of LaGuardia and making my way into the city.  I don't have any guilt around this at all anymore.  Dan and I are simply living differently in our free time.  Long Island Mike emailed me, he was in Australia for a few weeks trying to clear his head and get back on track...whatever that means.  I agreed to meet him at Carmine's in the square for dinner one night since he felt bad for dropping me in Queens the last time we seen each other.  If I so much as feel a slight heart race in my chest I'll run like I'm being chased.  Carl is coming into the city for a night so I made sure to get two beds and tonight I am meeting Vince for a drink in mid-town.  I really enjoy building a life in NY and living out that part of my dream; I know that in time Dan's path will once again merge with mine and he will become a part of this side of my life.  I know there are whispers and questions that will never be asked and the same ones that don't want to offend by asking the questions are the same ones that talk about it to others as if that is less offensive...but that is exactly why I'm cleaning out my rolodex.  Dan and I will climb this mountain and move forward together.  I'm not building a life without him, I'm just setting up my life in NY for when we finally get there.

I was enjoying telling everyone off that whispered and judged me...in my head of course.  I finally pulled myself out and realized my flight was delayed and I already knew that I would miss both my connections.  I stood next to a guy at my gate and watched the time constantly change for the actual departure time.  He looked like he was going to pass out, I smiled at him and offered him a bottle of water, "you okay?"  He nodded, he was about to miss the biggest interview of his career due to weather.  I felt so sad for him, thank goodness the airport serves alcohol for breakfast.  I love that I opened my mind and out popped my free spirit and now I live freely and am able to connect easily with the people around me.  I bought him a beer and he told me all about his work and family; he is an impressive man.  I am truly starting to believe that the people you surround yourself with are a direct reflection of yourself, and the new me, the real, attracts the most interesting amazing people and it's difficult to find anything wrong with my life anymore.

The Phoenix IV

I woke to a text from John and contemplated for an hour if I should open it or delete it.  I wasn't sure if I was going to believe what he wrote or even cared anymore.  I deleted it because the bottom line is that I am the only one that brings anything to the table in this friendship...so I may as well eat alone.  I still think of him a lot and and hope he is well; the exact same thoughts I afford to Long Island Mike.  These past few months have felt like a fast game of catch up.  I have re-evaluated my beliefs and started to throw most of them out while I look inside myself to find what I truly believe and fits with my heart and soul.  I have cleaned out my phone and friends while keeping a small amount that I love, respect and want in my life; people who value me and what I bring to the friendship regardless of my private life. I have matured, taken control, stood up, stood behind and rose from the scared person I was before.  I don't hate or dislike the ones that left because the truth be told I wasn't sad to watch them go.  Many of my friendships have been modified and boundaries have been set and because of that I won't and can't be pushed around whether by them or through the feelings of just not fitting in.  I never realized how important boundaries were and how each friend has a different set in our friendship.  Confidence has allowed me the freedom to not have to defend myself and not feel the need to explain anything to anyone, I don't have to answer to anyone...it's not my issue if you don't get it or understand my choices, they are not yours to understand.

The most heart wrenching realization thus far is knowing that not all my friends like the real me, and most of them at this point have no idea of the journey I have just taken.  I try not to be sad and upset about it, instead I concentrate on those I have attracted into my life and how amazing my vibe must be to capture a friend like Carl.  I guess some people preferred the water down version of myself; and she never really even existed...she was merely the character I played up until now.

The Phoenix III

I've booked my flights and hotels for five days and it's still a little surreal that this is my new life.  I have kept in contact with Carl and he's going to meet me in the city for a night and I have been in contact with Vince, the cop from Queens.  I haven't heard from Long Island Mike in a while and I have no desire to walk down that path just yet; if he needs me then he can reach out but I'm no longer feeding the habit of fixing those around me...I have my own work to do.  I try not to think of what's going to happen or if this is the right answer I just wake everyday and smile that my life feels great and is aligned with what I have desired.   Sometimes I wonder about Dan and if he is truly okay with the shift in our marriage and I want to ask but I'm terrified that he might not like it and if that's the case then how would I deals with it?  I try and just enjoy each day on its own and not think of how the week with go, I look forward to NY and other than that I just don't look forward.

I deleted my on line dating profile again since Carl was able to meet in the city and I was chatting with Vince...but every now and then I missed it and think about it when I feel lonely.  It becomes intoxicating and addicting fast and I think it's because it allows me to live my single life when I am home and I know that is not right and I need to pay attention before my addiction destroys my life.  I continue to see Laura on a regular basis although not as often since I refuse to lay out my trauma even one more time, so I take the pill and lock it away.  I don't have the same feelings of sadness but sometimes I get scared when I let my mind wonder too far into my marriage and life.  I honestly don't know if Dan and I are on the same course and I hold onto the hope that our paths will cross and we will effortlessly be happy together again.  I'm slowly teaching myself to not get caught in my own thought vortex of negative feelings...if Dan isn't happy then I just have to believe that he will tell me.

I walked over to where my daughter was sitting and watching a cartoon, I pulled out a puzzle and some toys and turned off the television.  I'm trying to perfect the art of 'slow down parenting', Laura said it would help me stay in the moment with my children and become the focused mother I want to be.  She comes over to me and sits on my lap and slowly takes apart the puzzle I am putting together. Her hair is a mess of curls and she chatters non stop...my heart spills over with every question and smile.  Every day I spend hours with her playing, talking, learning and cooking...the cleaning can wait but the bonding happens now.  She took out her tea set and we decided to have lunch by the window while she told me all about her stuffed animal friends.

The Phoenix II

I have no idea how people can live the routine of day to day life and not feel like a hamster on a wheel going absolutely no where.  I couldn't be that woman, not if I want to be happy too.  There is no way I am the only one, I can't be and I know that when I think of my mother.  I love going to the park with my daughter and hanging out and talking football with my son and playing drunk scrabble with Dan...but it is not enough.  I think I just need more of me and my wants and I think I may have found the perfect balance.  Having my own life is vital for my emotional health and I love being 'that woman'.  I am building a life in NY and every trip I feel more and more at home and less like a tourist.  I'm not taking away from my family, maybe they don't see me everyday but when I am home they have every minute of my attention and I am so happy and involved.  Sometimes I still slide back and question my decisions and choices but I know that following traditions I don't believe in is silly...for me anyway.  My darkness is locked away but sometimes I visit it in the cage just to stare it down but also as a humble reminder of the time lost...it feels great to let the little girl into the sunshine...