Rage, Rage Podcast

I sat down with Nevin and Gus to discuss open marriage and my book, Crazy on the Inside. This is my first one outside of America and it was so much fun. Have a listen...

https://t.co/CCabHMM84n?amp=1

Trust or Bust

As my world continues to open up and people flood in, sometimes I cant keep track of what they bring with them. I'm struggling to trust some people in my life, I watch them waver in their boundaries, push a narrative and attempt to make me second guess myself. I don't like people who thrive in the passive aggressive, gritting their teeth while trying to smile...my stomach hurts. I can't sleep much, terrified that what happened before will happen again...my work, my words, are everything and who I tie those to has to be able to represent it...to the fucking letter! 

Someone in Hollywood read my memoir and cast their very wide net to see if there was interest...I was beyond shocked when I heard the news...it was just the other week. I've been imagining this since the day I started my book...whatever happens this is further then I ever thought possible...so now I dream bigger. People are reaching out like I have never experienced, I had a podcast in Scotland book me to help introduce and explain my journey through open marriage as well as orders for book clubs. I like to joke with Dan that when the movie comes out people will be shocked it was a book first. I'll never stop envisioning the life we want as we move closer and closer to it...

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Love isn’t unconditional, that’s a lie told to us to believe there’s something we can feel for certain people that exceeds every other feeling. Nothing that evokes incredible passion and despair can be infinite. Maybe it’s people who are limited, maybe love is perfect but imperfect people can’t understand it, can’t seem to get it right. We nurture it wrong; we squeeze it out and try our best to keep it, in its most pure form, even though we abuse it, we take it for granted hoping the fantasy is right. We test every limit, justified in the belief that we hurt the ones we love.  

It changes us, forever, every time it pushes and pulls us different than the time before. A tattoo that loses focus over time and never seems to look the same as remembered, resembling a scar from a story, a lesson, a past love. How did something so beautiful and shiny become so dull and appear so insignificant? Love feels indestructible but is as fragile as your next broken heart. 

It starts to die as soon as it stops being watered, nurtured and respected...all bonds are breakable, love is not unconditional...

I Guess I'll Wait IV

Fiona had her first ski lesson this week, she's a natural. It was like she had always known how to ski, Dan and I had no idea she would take to it so quickly. So, we're heading back to the slopes in a few weeks and taking her to the big hills. We all managed to fall in love with the outdoors this year and have decided to buy a canoe in the spring for the river by the house. 

Not everything has been easy, Jospeh and I are coming up on a year since we've seen one another and it's starting to feel exceptionally difficult. We seem to argue more than usual, except I stopped engaging all together knowing I would only add to a hopeless frustration. I miss him, I miss his children and his neighbourhood and his company. 

Things have changed so much in the past year that the people I haven't kept in touch with would no longer recognize me, I'm no longer the same person. I don't even look the same, the weight fell off when we first locked down and from there I continued to self love and care and through that I find the best balance of my life. Dan and I we are going to travel more together once we are safe to travel abroad and until then we love having adventures through Canada. 

I Guess I'll Wait III

I started writing another new book about a month ago, I hired a new editor and coach and kept my artist. I'm excited to be writing non-fiction again, it just feels right when I pour my thoughts, heart and soul onto paper. This book compliments my memoir and we're getting it done quite quickly; I can't imagine spending several more years writing another book but this feels easy and natural. 

Fiona is doing fairly well with online learning but I'm excited for when she can go back to school safely with her friends. Bailey and his girlfriend are getting ready to graduate from university in May, and everything just keeps getting better and better. I learned to ski a couple of weeks ago in Sunshine and Lake Louise and booked Fiona for five weeks of lessons; we have way too much winter to not love all of the winter sports so, we got lessons and I fell in love with it instantly. 

The hardest part has been not being able to be around my mother, we barely see her because she's high risk. Fiona spends as much time as she can with her nana just for a change of company and scenery...I don't know how we would have gotten through this far without her. Karen, Fiona's nana, has been the grandparents, friend and part time teacher when Fiona needs a break or just wants to be spoiled. 

Dan released another album this month and it is exceptional, I was amazed at how much they have worked together to have this polished piece of work that is outstanding and ready for radio. It's been a crazy year but my house and family have flourished and we have huge news coming down the pipes in the coming months...I wonder where life will take us...

I Guess I'll Wait II

 Life is great, even in lockdown and teaching grade 3 from home...life is great. I started writing fiction, I feel like I need and want to write but haven't been able to get inspired into a Life During Lockdown book so I ventured over to the other side to let my imagination run free. It's fun, each day I write a few hundred words and slowly build a story hopefully someone else would want to read. 

The light at the end of the pandemic seems to be brightening and I'm hoping for life to return somewhat semi-normally where we can travel and get back to seeing our friends and family...near and far. Dan and I have discussed re-opening our marriage post-pandemic and it's something we intend to do. It's comforting to know I married the person I would want to be on a deserted island with. I was a touch worried when everything shut down and NY was no longer an option. Wondering if I was going to be able to be confined in marriage and life without diving into depression...I flourished in every way possible. Our house collectively became stronger and better versions of who we were. I listened to Dan's new album last night, they keep getting better and better, I'm so proud of him and grateful he can live his passions. 

New York still feels like a life time away but I hope to get back right after my vaccine. I miss Joseph a lot and it hasn't been exactly smooth but I hope there's some place we can find a way back to one another. Until then....I'll be right here teaching grade 3 and writing...

I Guess I'll Wait

I feel like I'm in a holding pattern and as much as I want to break away from it, it feels easier than anything else right now. My daughter continues to learn from home over her computer, Dan and I sold our other house and can finally move on without the neighbours we wish to leave behind. My son is completing his last year of university and lives on his own and I signed a contract for another book; although it's just as a contributing writer in some other woman's book. I've had to work hard to draw inspiration from the world around me and not the busy streets of Manhattan. Jet setting isn't even much of a thought at this point, no matter how many offers they squeeze into my inbox. We adopted a puppy, her name is Zero, she is a beautiful addition to the family with a big personality. 

Perhaps we're most excited to be able to celebrate the holidays at home without the trauma from three years ago. Extra lights, an extra tree and tinsel for as far as the eye can see...it feels like home again.