Changing Directions III

Everything seemed easier with my son around, we have so much in common and hang out like long lost friends.  Maybe this is how people do it day in and day out, they just pay no attention to what is going on inside them and focus solely on others; unfortunately my inner voices scream at me for change and they will not be silenced because of a few weeks of abandonment.  It's funny how life can take on a direction of it's own when left to wonder...I find myself wishing mine had wondered into a law school.

I feel bad whenever I wish that something was different in my life.  I always hear people say well if this or that was different then maybe you wouldn't have what you do now; like if I went to law school then my children wouldn't exist or maybe I wouldn't be married to Dan.  It seems silly to feel guilty wondering how different my life would be if the darkness never existed or if I was strong enough to just follow the path I wanted.  I love my husband and children, I wish I had the same love for myself and my dreams.  That has to change, I have to matter and I have to be a priority to myself.  I'm starting to feel better now that I am changing directions and I feel motivated and excited.

I finished my coffee and went upstairs to see the kids and see what they wanted to do today, I found her sitting beside him and they were both singing 'let it go, let it go', she had her hands in the air and he was playing along.  They make me laugh because regardless of the age difference and distance between them they have a natural love and bond...I am so lucky and blessed...

Changing Directions II

I barely slept last night, I wanted to see her as soon as I got to the house but she was asleep so I left her until  she woke.  My son was driving us back home today and would be visiting for a week; at least I felt confident that this week would fly by and be effortless.   Having the right company always seemed to be a welcomed distraction to my thoughts.  When it came to him I left little room for error, there was no need to add guilt on top of the mountain I already accumulated over is 16 years. 


I laid in bed and thought about the past few months and how I would change the next few.  I started to approach this like a military exercise complete with blueprint and strategies; I don't know if this is the correct way but it's a different way so I'm going to give it a shot...clearly living like a single twenty year old was not doing anything for my emptiness so any other route might be better.  I decided to try and dive back into my family life and even work more, I imagine more time around friends and family would help me feel better and appear somewhat 'normal'.  I wondered what our friends and family would think if they knew our dark secret...I guess that secret is only mine.  Embarrassment came rushing back and not necessarily for my actions so much as for my thoughts and lack of ability to blend in and smile.  I'm not wired to be like everyone else I know; not that they are not special in their own ways...but they all have a similarity or shared secret that I don't possess.  I feel like if I could just embrace my weirdness and differences then I could gain confidence and no longer care that I am not the same...it is so painfully clear that I stand alone.  What is crazy is that I don't want to be a cookie cutter person and god forbid I'm described as 'normal', I just want to be accepted as Natalie and how can I expect that from the outside world when I can barely accept it from myself.  I keep telling myself that it's better to just be me and let others decide how they feel rather than try and blend and hope I'm grouped with everyone else that is liked...even as I say it I know in my soul that it would last less than five minutes and I would have to break free from that prison too.  I can hear it in my head 'not everyone will appreciate and like this new you', but the reality is that this is not new...not to me anyway, this is who I am and it hurts to just be who I am.  The first change I have to make is me, I have to either be brave enough to stand out or forever be seen as 'normal' and live an unfulfilling life that I have no business being part of.  I'm already 36 years old and at some point I have to stop beating myself up for how I feel and just accept the fact that not everyone is going to stay regardless of the Natalie I present so why not just be the passionate, crazy, intense, weirdo I am and at least be happy with myself. 


I can hear her upstairs playing with her brother and it makes me so happy I want to cry but I'm so sick of crying I decide to laugh.  It would kill me if one of my children felt embarrassed and had to hide who they were for fear of backlash...what kind of example have I been setting all these years? 

Changing Directions

I changed my flight and flew straight to our daughter rather than home with Dan; I was feeling a little guilty and wanted to see her sooner rather than later.  The vacation was amazing and it was nice to know that not everything had changed.  I imagine that if Dan and I could still travel together often we might not be going through this but I can't say for sure and that seems irrelevant right now.  

I was a little happy to fly alone after the weekend, I wanted to sort through my thoughts and figure out how I was going to pull off monthly visits to the Big Apple.  I loved going to Leann's and the past few months have been great but I know it is not solving my issues and is likely creating more.  My hope is that if I stop going there often then John will slide aways from my memory and the anxiety I have around him will just disappear.  Trying to get John to open up to me is futile especially since he won't even meet me anymore; I have to stop thinking about him because it brings a sick feeling to my gut and tears to my eyes.  I don't think I will ever see him again and the loneliness returns wondering if we will ever even speak again.  I was finally pulled away from my thoughts and feelings when the flight attendant offered me a drink; I wanted a whisky straight up but decided on a water and coffee, alcohol would only nurture the sadness and I wanted it to vacate.  It's funny how someone can just walk into your life and innocently shake its very foundation.  I'm glad I met John, I know that we share something very real and maybe the whole purpose of him in my life was to offer me comfort in my darkness.  He is just like me...except he has the switch and chooses to go numb...sometimes I envy him and other times I ache for him.  I finally feel okay letting him go, I still have a lot of work to do and I'm spinning my wheels with him.  I am so excited to see what happens next, I have a few more trips to Leann's, a month at home and then...Manhattan.  

The plane touched down and I felt rested and rejuvenated and more importantly I felt happy and excited.  I have no idea how I am going to pull off the next phase of this crazy journey, but I have the best co-pilot a woman could ever want or need...I just have to get through the next six weeks...I can do this!

Still Lost VIIII

We got a call last night from Dan's parents stating that our daughter had to go to the emergency; she has never had to go to the hospital for anything and now both her parents are in Los Angeles because her mother is a mess.  That did not help me feel any better at all and Dan could see it all over my face.  I need to get  grip and just relax.  She is with her grandparents, they raised four boys and all lived to tell about it; this is not a big deal.  I find that lately I cannot escape this self loathing phase and I'm just about done with it.  I grab Dan and sit at the table in our condo, "I need you to help me think my way out of this hell I've been putting myself through".  He just nods and I imagine he is just as exhausted as I am talking about this.  "I feel that at the beginning this was fun and now I have learned to hate myself and maybe most disturbing I feel like I am falling into a depression as a way to punish myself".  I felt bad and good at the same time for telling him this; I want him to know where I'm at emotionally at all times but I felt bad for constantly being all over the place.  "Natalie I think you need to relax, there's is no reason to feel bad.  We agreed on this, I am okay with our situation and I don't want you to feel bad for taking time for yourself".  It was like everything just kind of vanished...no more guilt or anxiety, he took it all away.  "Are we crazy for this?"  He laughed at me, "of course we are, but if we weren't crazy we'd have far more regrets and have not done everything we have".  He's right, Dan and I have an amazing life and I love that I get him forever and it's going to be a long life so I should be okay taking the time I need to ensure the rest of my life is just as beautiful as the first eight years with him.  "So you are really okay with me being away and on line dating?"  He grabbed two beer out of the fridge and handed me one, it was literally 9 am, "I'm doing everything you are, and we are not the same people we used to be.  I think it's okay if every few years we take time to have a life of our own this way we are together because we choose to be and not out of habit".  We clinked our bottles and drank.  It's crazy to think that we are okay taking a year or so for ourselves...do people do this?  I really don't think it's a bad thing if I want a year to do anything I want every eight to ten years; it's my life and I should be able to live it however I want and I am not hurting anyone.  Dan and I may have the perfect marriage...for us anyway.

We decided to check out and drive the coast for a bit and get lunch before we headed back to the airport.  We went back to the taco stand and sat by the ocean, "Dan I need to switch up my escapes.  I love going away and meeting people but I am at Leann's too often and I find it does nothing to scratch my itch".  He grabbed his Corona, "What were you thinking?"  I took a deep breath and I felt confident and secure for the first time in months, "I'd rather go away once a month but somewhere different".  I could see his eyes through his sunglasses and I knew he was about to give me everything I wanted...

Still Lost VIII

I find it interesting that when Dan and I shelve the marriage and slide into friends how easy everything becomes.  I imagine it's because it takes away all the guilt and insecurities I have surrounding it.  We had an amazing day of shopping, eating and constantly failing to find the Hollywood sign; it seemed like we were always looking across from it and just couldn't nail down the location.  It was fine though because driving around with Dan was always a fun adventure.  Travelling together was never an issue for us and I was relieved that we could still enjoy it effortlessly.  I caught myself staring at him several times and feeling so angry at myself for changing and being a complete fucking mess.  I remember over the years thinking I am so happy I get him forever, he is amazing in every way and I never ever wanted more...eight years later and I wonder what's missing...from me, not him.  It bothers me that Dan is so well put together, like he's never had a struggle in his life and everything seems to just roll off of him.  I start to wonder if anything actually bothers him or if he is just really good at hiding it...I wish I was good at hiding it, I've become an emotional nightmare with drive but no direction.  I want to go back, I want my life back and my feelings and my emotional stability.  At the beginning of my journey I felt desire and excitement like this was all going to be the path to show me what I was missing then I would slide right back into my perfect life...that is not the case though and now I wonder if I should have even started this or just drank the juice and been okay feeling empty.  The only issue is that if I do that then Dan is married to a step ford wife and I would still be pretending to be something I am not...happy and whole.  I would give just about anything to get that switch from John, but I imagine that is about as helpful as the juice...you know something is missing but can easily ignore it because you're numb.  I feel sad for John, I wonder if he ever misses connecting with people or feeling at all.  I have to get him out of my head because he can trigger emotion in me without a single word...he holds a key but won't share it and that alone makes me feel crazy.  I pull myself out of my thoughts and concentrate on my husband...thank god I still love him and want him for the rest of my life, I fucking hope this journey is just about over because I fear my marriage will be soon if not.

Still Lost VII

I woke feeling like I did every Sunday morning at Leann's.  I could hear Dan walking around and going through our luggage, "what are you looking for?"  He didn't even turn around, "I need Advil and my shorts".  I told him to check my toiletries bag and rolled back over.  I could hear him shake the bottle of pills and turn on the water, "do you want a couple?"  I think I grumbled something that resembled a "yes" but even I couldn't tell.  He tapped me on the shoulder and fed me the Advil.  "I'm going swimming for a bit".  Oh my god, I'm pretty sure I'm still intoxicated and he's going into the ocean.  "Will you please grab coffee on your way back?"  I heard the door close and I'm going to pray very hard that he heard me.

Last night was the most fun we have had together in a long time.  We pub crawled the entire boardwalk and made our way to the main strip, it reminded me of when we first met.  I almost forgot how funny and interesting my own husband was; he may be the greatest company I have ever had.  He is considerate, exciting, hilarious, intelligent, handsome and a complete gentleman to me even after eight years.  Dan never once brought up our marriage last night or my struggles or sadness, he just let go with me; I need a friend more than a husband right now and he just easily makes the adjustment.  I wish I could be more to him; I wish I was more like him, balanced, untouched and genuinely happy.  I just need to find the better version of myself.

I finally got out of bed and laid in the shower, we were going to try and find the Hollywood sign and do some shopping today.  I could hear Dan come back I had a sinking feeling because he deserves better and when you know better you do better...but what if I don't know how?  I grab my bath robe and meet him in the kitchen area; I was happy to see him and coffee.  I looked over to see my phone was lighting up; my stomach started to turn because I immediately thought of John.  I didn't even bother to check, I have to concentrate on Dan and he deserves everything I have left.

Still Lost VI

The flight was pretty uneventful and after waiting for over an hour in line at the car rental company we were finally hitting the coast to our favourite taco stand.  We managed to score a convertible and we took full advantage...after we read all directions on how to actually put the top down.  Okay, so three hours after touch down in LA and we are finally driving the coast, well we're more like stuck in grid lock on the freeway and cooking in the unforgiving sun.  This is about right for our vacations, but if I have to be stuck in a car I wouldn't pick anyone else; I wondered if he still felt like that.  By the time we reached the stand we were both famished and ordered far more food then we could possibly eat at one meal.  We sat out at a table by the ocean and discussed our plans for the weekend, I really wanted to walk to the Hollywood sign and we wanted to check out some places on Sunset BLVD...other than that we'll stay in Venice Beach and enjoy the weather, water and pubs.

We finally found our condo and parked the car.  It was beautiful and beach front.  The weather was perfect and we were finally feeling relaxed by the time we got settled, "wanna grab a drink?"  He smiled, "definitely, let's do a pub crawl and check this place out".  Dan may be my favourite friend ever, I can do absolutely anything with him and always feel comfortable.  We have never had a struggle in our marriage, and now with so much changing I wonder if we have the tools to make it through and come out the other side.  Dan and I don't fight, we don't yell or name call, we just talk and discuss...I've heard people say that fighting makes a relationship stronger and I really hope that is just a myth.  After all Dan and I have gotten through so much together without ever turning on one another.  We've trekked through countries for weeks at a time, we were struck in a storm on a boat in the Irish Sea, we were robbed of all of our money, ID and passports in Bosnia and never once said a mean thing to one another.  When times were tough we just became closer friends and stuck together; so what had changed?  Why was I not doing that now?

We grabbed a seat on the patio of a pub and ordered some drinks, we didn't talk much and the more I think about it the harder it becomes to strike up conversation.  "Let's just put the marriage away for now and just enjoy this".  He always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better and relaxed.  We grabbed our drinks and clinked the bottles...