9/11

Today instead of writing my blog I took the train into Manhattan and felt the sorrow and resilience of the Manhattanite's...this evening I will be joining some FDNJ on the waterfront overlooking the new skyline and reminiscing about what was lost and what was gained.  For those of you who follow me, you know first hand of my love for this city and the past two years out of coincidence I have ended up back here at this exact time to pay my respects.  I have built a life here and have made many friends, in a city so large it's amazing that I have never felt like an outsider.

Meet me back here tomorrow...the adventure continues...

Moving Forward IV

Only three hours later than my original ETA and I was feeling great with my luggage in hand.  I sat beside a young man on the way from Toronto and every now and then I feel like the universe strategically places people into my life as a way to reassure me that even though at times I feel shaky I am not alone and I will be okay.  This young man completed his master in bio medicine...I don't even know what that is...and he was on his way to Manhattan for an internship with a production company.  He was only twenty five years old and realized all of his education was based on what his parents had laid out for him and not what actually interested him.  He said he was tired of laying in bed finding reasons to go to work and didn't want to wake up one day wondering if he should have followed his own dreams.  I was almost jumping out of my seat with excitement for him and chomping at the bit to relate and share with him, but he didn't need my reassurance and although I didn't think I needed any either...it was nice to hear his story and relate to him...even if he never knew he was doing such...

I jumped in a cab and headed for Grand Central Station...

Moving Forward III

I woke up in a mad race to get to the airport only to be delayed hours and miss both connections.  The one time I wake up late and run the race through security it is completely unnecessary...ugh.  I grabbed coffee and fruit and hung out with the ladies at the desk while they tried to find better connections.  I texted Tracy to let her know my arrival time would be much later and then called the hotel to make sure they would allow her access.  I can't wait to see her.  Tracy is a friend that accepts me and my life without conditions.  She never once makes me feel insecure or drops her jaw at the disbelief of my choices...nothing phases her and it's because she too lives her own life and is happy.  Our children played football together for years and we finally met last year at the tournament in Texas and we became instant best friends.  Tracy is another person along the way that became a part of my life and it reassures me that the real me is someone quality people like and I add her to the group in the company of the likes if Carl...whom she will be meeting as well.  I like being around people like her who allow me to feel comfortable in my own skin and doesn't possess a judgemental bone.  Tracy is a friend that makes me a better friend and I love her like a sister in such a short amount of time.  I'm so excited to show her my city and show her my other life.

The lady was able to find me a different flight so I ran down the corridor and found a seat...I already know my luggage won't be with me so I silently hope it gets to Toronto in time to clear customs.  After the past few months of crazy travel I would be a boss at The Amazing Race...I sent one last text to Tracy and sat back...my first layover is literally down the highway.

Moving Forward II

I grabbed my computer and coffee and sat at the table, across from me sits a messy haired little girl organizing her play doh.  I look over my screen and shoot her a serious look, "are you ready to start your work miss?"  She gives me a single nod, starts humming and opens her boxes of cookie cutters, rolling pins and play doh.  My mornings now consist of me throwing up my anxieties and insecurities all over the web while my daughter pretends to work on projects for her imaginary boss.  It has become cathartic for me and I joked to Laura that it is the best therapy I have ever had.  Making the change to live the way you want and desire can be difficult at first because you question your choices and thoughts and wonder if they are yours or given to you.  This has become a routine for me and I look forward to it every morning, but I never start without her.  I made the decision immediately that this would not be about sexual encounters with strangers or having boy friends or exploring my own desires; it would be about finding my own way and shutting the doors to paths that were forced upon or given to me.  Only now that I have come out the other side am I even able to reflect and share, never kept a journal but never forgot a feeling or moment that made me question and change.  I could have spent the rest of my life blaming others for the first 35 years of my life but it would only help me justify my previous bad behaviours and sadness.  I could have made it a reliable excuse to never change but then...I would never change.  My life is up to me and now I can make it go in any direction I desire...outside forces cannot control me because I am responsible for and in control of me...that was one of the best lessons I ever learned.  That is a lesson I will hand down to her...

Moving Forward I

After what felt like a long time crossing the bridge I finally know I am it over and now I just turn my back on it, take a deep breath and keep walking...I may have jumped and clicked my heels a few times.  Looking at this new slate should feel overwhelming but it's not, it's just something I have put off until now.  Maybe this is something we all go through but some do it sooner than others and some just don't know how to take the leap.  I have accumulated so many fears during my life time that I actually have to start weighing them out against each other; I'm terrified to fly but I am more afraid to never leave my home.  I'm afraid of what my life will look like now but I had to make the change because things were starting to look bleak.  I understand I did things differently than others and that my life is now different than most of you but I am so utterly happy in my life that everyday I enjoy it more and more and think about you less and less.  Only as time passes am I able to realize that my happiness comes from pouring my energy into myself and my family and not even thinking about what you are doing.  I used to have strong opinions about how others lived and the choices they made and I was one of those that stood back and judged because it was easier than fixing myself.  Concentrating on others made it easy to escape my own issues as if that was actually productive and healthy.  I don't want to be the gossipy, caddy woman I had been for most of my life, putting down people as a way to bond with others...as if stepping on you made me better.  I have so much work to do on myself I can no longer be bothered with what you are doing, and the less I think about others the better I feel and the less pressure I have to conform to an idea I don't believe in.  Perhaps now I will be the one talked about...serves me might to be judged. 


I opened my computer and started my blog, I am doing this for me, to fill my dream...but please feel free to follow along. 

The New Character I Play in This World VI

I woke to a few text messages but one really stuck out, it was from Angela; the woman Karen and I sat with on the flight when we were going to New York...that was the trip I went to Atlantic City.  She just wanted to say hi and catch up, she was passing through and wanted to get together.  I decided to call her because I knew I was not available the days she is here as I'm heading back to The Big Apple.  Angela travels the country as a life coach and also is the editor of a magazine...you're just as shocked as I am by my dumb luck of sitting beside her on a plane when I am going through a life crisis.  I guess sometimes the universe takes control when we are too scared to do it ourselves.  We chatted for about half an hour and caught up since we first met.  She is this incredible energy and amazing woman that I gravitate towards...perhaps because she demonstrates so much of what I want to possess.  We talked about my journey and my one missing brick maybe it's because it was so obvious I missed it or maybe it's because I was too afraid to find the starting point, "Natalie why don't you just start a blog?"  Sometimes the simplest suggestions make me feel the stupidest and it gives me the hand slapping the forehead moments.  But what am I going to write about?  It's one thing to want to be a writer it's another to write...isn't it?  I've always wanted to write but fear paralyzes me because of bad grammar, lack of training and what if I'm terrible at it?  There is only one thing I truly know...my life...and that is a huge dive off the cliff because what if no one likes the real me?  Putting myself out there to be judged is scary...I guess it's time to find out if I truly don't care what you think about me anymore.  I grabbed my computer and started an account...my cup of life is overflowing and I am whole.  Tomorrow is Day 1...

The New Character I Play in This World V

I had another meeting with Laura and I've been able to attend rather easily.  My main concern right now is my daughter and trying to stay engaged in her level of activity and also create a bond with her similar to that with my son.  After we check off all the regular things, anxiety, medications, sleep, and my NY life we always talk about my children.  My son is busy with school, sports and his own life and I talk to him everyday and see him each week and it seems easy at his age to bond and really stay involved in his life.  Every morning I text him before his classes and each night he calls to tell me about his day and catch me up on his life, we have a great relationship and I want that with her too.  I want her to follow her own desires and not get caught up in others because it's 'normal'...but how do I teach that when I am just learning it myself?  My son was able to do it almost effortlessly but how different will it be for her?  Laura told me about a new method called 'slow down parenting' which is based off of the European style of cooking which is done slowly over days and days.  I really wanted to try it and embrace being the main role model for her so now we wake together and chat for a bit before we make breakfast together, then we walk for the mail and play in the park.  I engage her in conversation and ask her a lot of questions to have a conversation around her, we shop and cook together and sometimes in the day she will ask to just sit and watch a show.  I try not to interrupt her and ask her opinions; I want her to know she matters and I value her opinions and thoughts.  She is allowed to pick out all her own clothes and wear them anyway she wants and she can decide on when she is done eating and where to put her toys in her room.  I believed early on with my son that parenting should be more about guiding and less about dictating, I believe in natural consequences and I hope I am securing children that find comfort within and have enough confidence to follow what they desire.  I'm slowing down to enjoy the ride and hopefully offer them the beautiful life and family they deserve.   I have no idea if I am right and maybe I am just throwing stones in a pond but just like everything else in life...parenting is not a one size fits all.  I'm trying my best to be a good mom and role model and old beliefs sometimes make it difficult for me to stay on course...but I push through because I have to.