The Writer II

I was sitting in her waiting room hating that I had to come back and knowing at the same time it would be helpful.  Since I started writing I have found myself in some of the same emotional struggles as when I was going through it all and I needed Laura to help me once again shine the light.   I started to feel the insecurities and fears like ghost emotions but with the real feel of them and I wanted to avoid the anxiety attacks and depressed state.  I attempted to pat myself on the back for seeing the signs and addressing them immediately but it's difficult to do when you are stuck in a cycle of self doubt.  I know this is not real and I am through the other side but I am never amazed by how my thoughts and feelings can pull me right back into the trauma.

I put my head down and tried to get lost in my game of Candy Crush but emails kept popping up and I knew the address...John.  A few days ago when I was either feeling sorry for myself or hating him I sent him the link to my blog.  I wanted him to know what our interactions looked like to me and I must have been fairly angry because I never even stopped to think about what that would mean for him and Mike.  Normally I would have deleted any correspondence from him, but not today.  Today I was sitting in Laura's office asking for help, so there may never be a better time to confront this.  I read three emails from him all pretty much saying the same thing.  Sometimes he shows signs of being a person without the switch and realizes that he cannot move in and out of lives without affect. His apologies were not disregarded in the least.  I believe he is sorry.  Maybe I shouldn't have given him the satisfaction of reading about my time with him and giving him a glimpse of himself through my eyes...but then again, maybe it wasn't for him.

I looked up and seen Laura coming down the hall...the clock starts now...