New York State of Mind

I placed all of my luggage by the door and went to make coffee.  I had about an hour before Karen picked me up so I decided to check my email, have some fruit and cry for the last time in my kitchen.  The words of my mother seemed to echo more so these days and I wondered if ignorance would have been bliss for me.  She fails to see that with her as a mother ignorance was not an option.  I have always viewed my mother as the amazing woman she is, she is strong, intelligent, beautiful and one of the most kind people I have ever known.  My mother opened me up to the world and this only made me want to see more, know more and do more.  For as far back as I can remember I have always heard a little voice trying to convince me that I am bound for greatness, I have no idea if that is true but I do believe it was a seed planted by my mother and watered throughout my life.  We are so similar in our quests to find more that she can feel my anxiety and sadness through her own past experiences.  I think it breaks her heart knowing that in the end there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but I can't stop chasing it or looking for it.  I feel like I'm in an extreme scavenger hunt without a list, it's starting to consume me and I just need release...but I don't know what that looks like.

The light came on and Dan joined me at the table, "you're up early".  He smiled and hugged me tight, "I wanted to kiss you good bye".  He's a liar, he wants to reassure me without words that he is fine with me leaving.  "What if this doesn't work?"  He could see my lip tremble and eyes start to water, "then you try something else, you can't live in misery and I'll stay as long as I can".  Sometimes I feel anger towards my husband for being so well put together, I have never once watched him crumble or lose control.  I often wonder if he wished I was more like him so he didn't have to go through this and feel the instability of his wife and home.  He can see and feel me descend into my crazy and  he tries his best to support me but knows the reality is that there is almost nothing he can do for me and right now I'm drowning.

My phone lit up, Karen is on her way to pick me up.  I hugged Dan and moved my things onto the drive way; I could hear him lock the door behind me and he turned out the lights as he walked up the stairs.  I stood in the cold and wondered how many times my mother had done something like this...it didn't matter though because I already knew the outcome and hoped I would not be in my seventies still looking for...well I'm not too sure what I am looking for.

Mastering the Mundane XVIII

After days of laying in my darkness and emotionally draining myself I decided to walk away...at least for now.  I got out of bed, washed my face and made my way to the kitchen to start breakfast.  Mike was already on his way to Atlantic City for the week and I could barely contain my excitement as I counted down the hours.  As I stood there and scrambled eggs I wondered how I was going to reach out and embrace the other side of my life and still hold on to what I have...could Dan really follow me to the end?  John and Mike could give me something that Dan couldn't even begin to understand or relate too and it made me feel conflicted in my heart because I was able to connect with others in ways I could never connect to my husband.  I wish there was a way I could do this and not feel like a selfish bitch but I can't because if I cater to Dan then I will never find what I'm missing; this has to be about me because in the end it's me that is broken.  Imagine spending your existence in misery because you are afraid of how others will view you, your marriage and your parenting skills.  At some point you just have to step into your life and realize that not everyone will move forward with you and that's okay.

I was lost in thought when Dan finally entered the kitchen, he grabbed a coffee and sat at the island.  He looked handsome as ever and never fails to make me feel beautiful.  I have made it a point to touch base with him on my emotions so he never feels left out and he is well aware of the different endings this journey may have.  I plated our food and sat next to him, I always rested my head on his shoulder for my comfort.  "Are you excited for New York?"  Without jumping out of my seat and doing a cartwheel I offered, "yeah, I love New York and I'm excited to go often". He nudged me with his elbow and winked, "I'm happy you are at least able to escape to your favourite place".  Ugh, I wanted to throw up my eggs when he said that, shouldn't my favourite place be my home?  I'm so fucking lost in my life and thoughts I have no idea what I need anymore and at every turn I feel sick for not being 'normal' and content.  I started to push my food around my plate and feared opening my mouth, even when I get everything I want I am still not happy...or maybe I am but feel guilty for it so one cancels out the other.  "Dan is this really okay?"  I could feel him look at me but I wouldn't make eye contact, this was how I perfected not crying during our conversations.  "Yes, our outcome won't change because of this".  I know he is right, Dan and I have always believed that it is better to change the situation then live just out of habit...we do not want to pass time till death, we want to do everything possible while we can.  Being open and honest has spared us resentment and has made us better friends and supports.  Sometimes you just have to shelve the wife and mother and embrace yourself...I will no longer tolerate my identity only being tied to others.  I've thrown out the romantic idea that we all have another half or soul mate, I want to be whole on my own and not look to others to define me...I am significant in my own right and sometimes I want to stand alone.  Dan has become my inspiration, when I look at him I know he is whole and healthy and that he doesn't care what you think...I hope I can graduate to his level one day.

I kissed my husband good bye and ran up the stairs to snuggle with my daughter.  I can feel the light come back to me and I want to enjoy it before I remember the little girl still sitting in her cage.  Twenty four hours till wheels up...

Mastering the Mundane XVII

I spent most of the night looking back over my life and sobbing for the stages of my life that I never cared for myself.  It makes me wish I could hold that little girl and protect her from the world as if that little girl isn't even me.  I feel like I have completely detached and wonder if it's a coping mechanism to be able to move forward...being lost in the darkness is like living death and perhaps I had to leave her there to save myself.  It only makes me cry harder knowing that I abandoned her and only now am I trying my best to coax her out of that cage like she's an abused animal.  Mike has threw up his life to me and I know we share so much and I don't think he realizes how similar our childhood actually was.  He has no idea how extraordinary he truly is; no one ever told him they are proud of him or that he has turned into this amazing self made man.  Sometimes when I speak with Mike he sounds happy and whole but even I know that it is short lived because he lacks the support to keep his head up...it's not long before he starts to remember that he is insignificant and pours himself a drink.  John was able to make me feel on fire, but Mike comforts the little girl I ache for.

Two days until I touch down at LaGuardia and two more after that till I get to Atlantic City.  There is a comfort I have with Mike and I am already dreading having to leave AC.  I rolled over and watched Dan sleep for a few minutes and for the first time since my journey began I honestly wondered if we were going to make it through.

Mastering the Mundane XVI

The discussion with Karen was not as simple as Dan explained.  It turned into a intense negotiation because there was no way she was going to let me go alone.  I agreed to pay for the car, gas, insurance and food; also I agreed that we could outlet shop the entire way there as well as the next morning before we headed back.  I didn't even care because I really wanted to go and I was happy to take Karen because if Mike wasn't what I was expecting then at least I wouldn't be alone and with Karen driving we could be back in Manhattan before the sun set.  Karen has become paranoid about me meeting people and worries that they will hurt me or kidnap me...she has a valid point but I don't even think about it.  I always think if I'm comfortable then it is fine; as if there is no way someone is good enough to pull the wool over my eyes.  I would have an all out fit if my daughter ever thought of doing this and yet here I am crossing countries and setting up dates.  It seems crazy that I don't have the same caution for myself and I wonder if that is 'normal'.  I guess I just assumed that I would meet him in the casino, have dinner and go out for the evening and if he turned out to be someone I'm less than interested in then I can just turn in early or leave.  I'm not afraid because I have the option to leave and there are far too many people around for him to try and stop me.  That being said, I'm so happy Karen is coming along.

Mike is still off work and we have been texting more than usual and I'm embarrassed that on at least two occasions I didn't even change out of my pyjamas before five o'clock.  I almost never think of John anymore and the ache is gone.  Mike is filling that void perfectly and I feel bad because I cling to his darkness and feel I may be taking advantage of his openness.  I'm started to be able to identify the cycles in Mike and I wonder if he sees them too.  He's a morning person like me and is full of energy and needs to be productive, too much down time allows for the negative to visit.  Around mid afternoon is his witching hour and his darkness starts to toy with him sending him into either a depressed state or a bottle of vodka.  Not everyday is like this but the more alone time he has the worse it gets.  If Mike's mind isn't in work or around people then it starts to fill with negative thoughts and memories.  We are so similar right now I can feel his sadness and loneliness, it breaks my heart because he doesn't have a Dan like I do...when he is alone, he is completely alone.  All his friends he has known since childhood are married and have kids then he has his work crew that he only sees during work...his home is empty and too much time there is too much for him.  Mike is the star of my support group; he is so open and raw it helps me reach out...and not to my husband.

I can feel myself changing and it's relieving...the more I look the more I see people like me.  We're taught never to talk about our darkness, to be embarrassed and ashamed and that it is 'personal' and not everyone needs to know.  It's just another way for those that are uncomfortable hearing about it to silence us and continue to keep us in that cage.  Mike knows I am broken and will refer to him and I as "people like us"...I am already more comfortable with him than most people I know.  It feels nice to fit somewhere...Dear God, please don't let him be like John....

Mastering the Mundane XV

I've been feeling more empowered these days and I'm sure it's because I've been telling people off in my head for the past couple of days.  I'm feeling torn because I want to go to Atlantic City so I can have more time with Mike but I know it will take a lot to convince Karen…and I know it will make her uncomfortable but at this point I've chosen this path so I'm gonna run with it.  Mike has asked me everyday to come to AC for one night and I'm feeling motivated to go however with the pageant in town there is a lack of hotel rooms available.  I'm trying to push it out of my head but it's futile because I've been trying to find a way to make it work…for me.  First things first, "hey Mike I checked and I cannot find a hotel room for under five hundred dollars in AC so I don't think I can come".  At least we can still have dinner in NY and spend a couple of hours together and now I don't have to ask Karen.  "Nat, I'll just stay with another crew guy and you and your friend can have my suite".

I was standing in my kitchen and could barely form a thought let alone make a coffee.  Okay, I have to think about this..which only means that I need to find the right words to convince Karen.  I almost didn't hear Dan enter the kitchen and he knew he startled me.  "What's going on, everything okay?"  I have to wonder how many of these conversations we will have before they change from weird to 'normal'.  He grabbed a coffee and met me at the table.  "Well?"  Is it bazaar that I'm about to ask my husband for advice on how I can convince my friend to come along and meet a guy?  I told him everything, there was no use or reason not too because I would tell him if I was changing states anyway.  "So, why don't you just tell Karen you're going to AC for the night and she can either go along or stay in Manhattan?"  Huh, I never even thought about just giving her a choice.  I guess sometimes the best answer is the simplest.  Dan clinked his coffee cup with mine and smiled, "wanna meet for lunch today?"  I love this man so much I can burst, "absolutely, let's do dim sum".  He grabbed his computer and left for work…I grabbed my phone and texted Karen...

Mastering the Mundane XIIII

My days and evenings feel a lot easier, I imagine having less than a week until I leave for NY has something to do with this.  I'm excited Karen is coming along but now I have to find a way to tell her about Mike.  She gets this look on her face like your mother when she tells you she's not mad at you she's just disappointed.  I can't even discuss this part of my life with her because she starts to cry and becomes overly dramatic, but even she knows her guilt trips fall on deaf ears at my house.  Karen and I have this down to a science and communicate around it without ever actually mentioning my open marriage.  I find it interesting that someone that isn't even involved in my marriage has such strong feelings about it, it doesn't even affect her and all I can think of is that it makes her uncomfortable because it's not the 'norm'.  Dan and I have kept this a secret from everyone we know for fear of backlash, but we're getting to the point where we'd rather just lose those people then live for their comfort rather than our own.  It infuriates me that other's put so much emphasis on sex in a marriage and relationship because that is what they value and want, and I'm seen as a whore for not buying into monogamy.  Well at least I'm an ethical whore with values because I don't lie, cheat or sneak around.  I'm starting to realize that not all traditions and institutions need to move forward untouched, in fact so many need to be adjusted for those involved.  It's my marriage with Dan and we are more than capable of making our own choices; if our marriage ends it will not be because of sex, it will be because we are on different paths.  Some people seem to forget that marriages end everyday without being open.  Imagine the look on their faces if I walked in and was uncomfortable and offended by their monogamy and traditional household...why on earth would anyone openly choose that?  I just need to let it go and realize that this is their issue and I'm not willing to take it on or change my life to suit them...if they leave, I'll be sure to wave.

I grabbed my phone and figured it was better to get this over with sooner rather than later, "Hey Karen, one night in NY you're on your own for the evening including dinner".  I knew I wasn't going to get an interrogation because she won't force my hand but I still had anxiety because I feel there will be sadness or judgement behind her response, "ok, I'll find something to do".  Texting allows for me to skip the look she gives me and I've become okay with that because I'm not doing anything wrong...this is her issue.

I started making breakfast because I was feeling pissed off from fighting with people in my head and defending my choices.  Sometimes I make me laugh, I can send myself into a heated argument quicker than anyone else I know.  I realize I have alienated myself from most if not all of our family friends, which by the way are all of Dan's childhood friends, and I know it's for my own emotional protection.  It occurred to me as I was buttering toast that I have started this walk through my own personal hell in an attempt to find my happiness and what's been missing from my life and spirit...and to do it properly I have to do it openly and unapologetically.  There's no point in finding myself if I have to continue to pretend for everyone else.  I've been scared and embarrassed for so long I can hardly wait to shed that weight and just live for me and feel full and happy...it exists...right?

Mastering the Mundane XIII

I woke to texts from Mike and it was reminiscent of when John and I were talking on a regular basis. I still felt angry when I thought about him so I pushed him right out of my head and started my day with Mike.  I have no idea why we are still talking but I like it, he's really interesting and I easily get lost in his stories.  He has been in the entertainment business for over twenty years and has witnessed  some crazy stuff but he seems to be desensitized to it all.  He was getting ready to go and lay on the beach all day, he says it helps him meditate and clear his head.  I imagine this is how he decompresses and copes with his darkness since everyday is a constant reminder of a failed marriage and having no one in his life that appreciates who he is and what he has to offer.  I think that's how darkness works, it's meant to alienate and embarrass you, it keeps you locked away and holds you hostage.  Mike is clearly still a prisoner; talking about it does very little to set him free and I wonder if there is any hope in freeing myself from the small corner mine has me locked way in.

We chatted for hours and I wondered if this is how John would be if he would just destroy the switch.  I tried to picture Robocop openly discussing his own fears and sadness, reaching out for help and being completely vulnerable.  I feel sad that he may never want to release his suffering but there is nothing I can do, he has seen all of my raw emotions and ran scared...there is no way he wants to experience that from the inside.  I find many similarities between Mike and John and I wonder if it's intentional on my part...did I look for a replacement and not even notice?  I started to feel sick because I want to be rid of Robocop and not just find a version of him that will engage with me.  That fucking cop has me so crazy I can barely think straight.  I grabbed my phone and proceeded to text Mike...he has become my new drug and escape.  The beauty of Mike though is that he is open and welcomes that in return, he doesn't run and doesn't appear to play games...but who knows because right now all we do is text.  "Hey Mike, Atlantic City is only an hour and a half from Manhattan, if you get off early one night want to come back and hang out for a bit?"  I have this strong desire to see him, the worst he can say is 'no' and really that's no different then right now anyway.  "I actually thought of that.  I think one day I get off at 4pm so we can do dinner".  I had to catch my breath when I initially read his response.  I am way too excited at the thought of meeting him, it makes me feel guilty.  John wouldn't even cross the street to see me yet Mike, the cop, drove for half an hour with last minute notice for a coffee and Mike, from NY, is considering travelling three hours round trip to meet me and have dinner.  That cop makes me burn on the inside and I still want to punch him in the face.  I need to forget him and I hope my new drug of choice will help me do just that...