Another Good-Bye X

I woke too early and felt hungover, which I imagine is from the crying. I leashed Cleo up and washed my face and brushed my teeth trying to avoid my phone. I decided that I needed an answer, a real answer as to why now after he reached his first goal he would want to cut bait and move on to something else. I knew I was obsessing over this without having any new information but I was scared, sick and sad wondering if I could save his dream and questioning if it was my right to do so. I have always adopted the belief that as a parent I am here to guide him and nurture him into an adult, I never liked the parent that dictates or bullies their children into submission. I honestly wasn't sure if football was for me at this point or still for him, I love our connection through his passion. I needed strength to support him no matter the reason...and I wanted a reason...and after twelve years and tens of thousands of dollars spent, thousands of miles driven and countless heartbreak loses...I felt I was entitled to one...

Another Good-Bye IX

I was too tired to walk Cleo more than a mile and it was too cold outside anyway. I poured more food and water into her dishes and changed into my pyjamas. I have a lunch date tomorrow on the east side next to Grand Central Station and wanted to turn in early. I looked at my phone to find a few messages from Josh apologizing for being awful company...I was almost grateful I didn't have to spend the night pretending to enjoy small talk after the news my son threw at me. He offered to send a car service for me around midnight to bring me to his place for a few hours before he returned to work. I couldn't even bring myself to respond, he barely spoke to me over dinner and I couldn't possibly enjoy sex with someone while they are returning emails and crunching numbers while I'm trying to finish myself off. I turned my phone to silent and curled up with Cleo in the bed so we could watch tv while we dozed off...finally the tears were freely falling down my face. I'm scared because football has always been our common ground...I've almost always been his football mom...

Another Good-Bye VIII

Here is a perfect example of why it is frustratingly difficult to date NY men. We sat down and I ordered a glass of wine while he asked for iced water since he intends on going back to work. He ordered food for both of us and proceeded to answer emails while I stared at my glass waiting for small breaks where I could have his attention. He apologized at least every ten minutes but didn't change his behaviour so it fell on deaf ears. I wasn't really too put off anyway since I was still rattled by my son's news of wanting to leave football after twelve years. I ordered a second glass of wine and watched the people at the bar argue over politics, it was more interesting than watching him type over his phone.

By the time our food arrived I was tipsy and ready for bed...my bed. I at least got ten solid minutes of conversation in between him scarfing down his steak. He's really handsome and intelligent, he was in the military when moved on to Wall Street and was out to make his millions. I like Josh but he barely has time for himself so he has very little for me. He paid the bill and we walked out into the city to find a cab for him to go back to work. I hugged him and thanked him for dinner before putting him into the car. 

I crossed the street to Port Authority to catch my bus to Jersey. I can't wait to get home to Cleo...

Another Good-Bye VII

I leaned against what I can only assume was a urine soaked wall and took a deep breath. My son has worked most of his life to get to the point of where he is...countless hours of training, nutrition, try outs and travel so excuse me if I'm a touch dramatic when he tells me that he does't love football anymore. Here he is across the country living his dream...a dream he no longer wanted to take part in...but why? I needed a reason, there had to be something that was pushing him in this direction. Was it the coaching...again, maybe the team, homesick? I had driven countless miles and hours on the highway between he and I and was not about to accept "because" as the answer for why his dream was no longer relevant to him. How can I make a good decision or tell him anything when I can't even string together a thought and when I finally could my mind immediately went to negative scenarios of him being in trouble or mixed up with he wrong people. I wanted to be rational and supportive...I really did but first I needed to settle down and think about this in it's entirety so I asked him to give him a day or so to collect my thoughts. I love him so much...something is going on and I need to know what that is. I swear to Christ if one other coach fucks him over I will lose my marbles. I hung up the phone and tried to cry to relieve my sadness but I couldn't even do that.

I crossed the street and headed for the restaurant...poor Josh is about to have the worst dinner date

Another Good-Bye VI

By the time I reached Times Square I was already regretting leaving my bed. I was meeting Josh for dinner and trying to stay in the vicinity while he finished up at work. This guy works so many hours on Wall Street he literally sleeps there most nights. It was way too cold to stay outside so I made my way towards Harold Square ducking in and out of stores trying not to shop. I must have been lost in my thoughts because I didn't feel my phone vibrating in my hand. I missed three calls from my son. I left the store and made my way back up to Times Square trying to call him back but only getting his voice mail...I'm starting to worry, I don't recall a time he has been so adamant about talking to me.

I was standing on Broadway and 43rd when my phone went off again and I was able to duck into a corner and say hello. He had only been back at school for a short time since the holidays and his father's wedding in Mexico. My initial thought was that he needed money so I wasn't prepared for what I heard come out of his mouth. The lights of the city started swirling around me and I could feel my legs weaken and my eyes fill with tears. There are times as a mother that I have had to stand back and let him grow and make his own decisions and then support those decisions...but this is different..I think...I don't know...

Another Good-Bye V

I woke to Cleo whining in my ear to eat and go outside. I could barely open my eyes to get rid of the feel of my eyelids resembling sand paper. I poured a cup of food into her dish then waited at the door to leash her up to go out onto the roof. I was grateful that I didn't have any plans until the early evening and decided to go back to bed for a few hours then walk Cleo a few miles.

I could hear her clawing at the door to get back in, it must be cold outside because she was only out for a few minutes. We both walked back into the bedroom and climbed back into bed together. Every colour of light was blinking on my phone and started to do damage control before I drifted back off to sleep. I confirmed with Josh for dinner, cut Kevin loose because it was to difficult to date someone outside on the general area and he lived in Connecticut and then deleted and blocked James who had left forty five messages in the span of three hours when I had already told him I was busy for the evening. I texted my son back who was likely in class then turned on Tinder to play my favourite game where I mindlessly swiped left and right until the phone fell out of my hands and my eyes gave up the battle of trying to stay open.

Another Good-Bye IV

I could hear Cleo clawing at the door when I was walking up the steps and I know it's been about five hours since the dog walker's last visit. My luggage felt like a hundred pounds and the stairs looked like a mountain...I just wanted to sleep.

I opened the back door and let her onto the roof while I unpacked and settled in. I texted William to let him know I made it to Jersey and then I let Clarence know that I was with Cleo. I didn't bother answering any of my other messages because I know that it leads to late night dates and I wasn't interested at this point. James' texts were becoming more frequent and hostile with each passing hour and it was just about time to delete him from my New York life.

I let Cleo in after I showered and we snuggled on the couch until started to drift off. My phone was still lighting up but I could barely keep my eyes open to read...I'll call my son back tomorrow...