Another Good-Bye XVII

I may as well have eaten alone, or maybe he should have because I was not very good company. I could barely eat thinking about my son and then having to leave tomorrow to head back for my ten year wedding anniversary, which is a weird thought as I'm eating sushi with this man in Manhattan. I was brought out of my thoughts and back to the table when he used his chop sticks to tap on the side of my plate, "are you okay?" Obviously I'm not okay but didn't want to unload all of my new anxieties onto this poor man who was just looking for dinner company. "Yeah just a bit distracted with everything I need to do before I leave for home tomorrow." I gave him what I can only imagine was a half ugly smile full of anxiety and nausea. He continued to talk about going to his country house in Connecticut and I could not even pretend to be interested in anything that was coming out of his mouth. I just kept thinking I should go and try to talk to my son face to face but it was all done, he even told his coach and left his classes...the anger rose in me again, I started shaking and tried to hide my dry heaving...why does it feel like I am the one losing so much?

Another Good-Bye XVI

I could barely believe it was me on the phone, it felt like I was on the outside looking in at this mother who had become so emotional she lost her ability to remain calm. I can't recall everything I said in my moments of anger but I knew I told him he had to repay his RESP, sell all the stuff in his apartment to repay me and then find a way home as well as apply for university and pray he gets in. I don't think I said good-bye when I hung up. I remember feeling hot on the inside of my stomach and face; I panicked...I didn't offer support...I failed him...again...

Another Good-Bye XV

We hugged on the way out the doors and she headed for her subway while I walked towards Columbus Circle playing a conversation in my head that hadn't even happened yet. I was going home in two days and I needed to talk to my son now because he is close enough that if needed then I could make the trip up to Montreal to be with him. He must have had the same idea, my phone was vibrating and I had already missed a call. "Mom, we need to talk about this." My heart sank and I wanted to run back to the times where he was little and I could fix it all, but I can't fix this and I feel forced into supporting a decision I feel is harsh and not very well thought out. "Okay, tell me why you want to leave football." I could hear him sigh heavily and felt him collect himself because he knows he has to sell this to me. Together we put in a lot of time and money into this dream and now he wants to walk away...but he should be allowed...right? So then why the fuck am I so angry. I guess I believed that someone was pushing him, a coach was bullying him or he was home sick...how can passion and drive fall by the wayside? "I just don't love it anymore mom. Before I would be the first one on the field and the last one off and now when they say to take extra reps I hate it." The sounds of the city seemed louder during this phone call and I couldn't focus. "How long has this been an issue? Is someone bothering you? Is it a girl? Are you leaving for a girl?" I knew he would be pissed off but I deserved answers and I wanted them, and I wanted them to be clear and have substance. Maybe he's just tired, I don't want him to walk away without being sure and on the other side I don't want him to stay because he feels he owes me that. Disinterest on the field leaves you open to injury and I never want that. "No mom, this is my decision and is not influenced by anyone else." It was almost as if I would not accept that information as real or truthful. I started to sweat and panic...

Another Good-Bye XIV

I met Eug in Central Park while she was walking the dogs of one of biggest designers in the city. I was a touch jealous that she had access and interactions with designers and actors that I would wait in  long lines to cop a peak at. She was amazing and the first person I ever met organically in this city. We met in a Starbucks on the Upper West Side when we shared a table and charged our phones. She is living the life I once ached for; young, single and living and working in the Big Apple...I was immediately drawn to her and her kind soul. This is a young woman who barely has enough money to live in this city and still manages to make care packages for the homeless and advocates for them on a daily basis. Like myself, she is very liberal and out to find herself or find what makes her life feel fullest, something that no one else can provide to her...it's the journey she needs to take.

We walked to the Plaza so she could return the dogs and then went downstairs to grab lunch. This place was definitely a hidden gem...well it wasn't hidden but I had never heard of it or ventured into the Plaza always believing that it was far out of my range. We walked around the market and found a nice Italian bistro to have lunch and decided to grab macaroons on the way out. 

I still needed to call my son back but every time I thought enters my head my heart crumbles and I cannot deal with this in anything but a supportive manner...I'll call him right after lunch...probably...

Another Good-Bye XIII

We walked to the United Nations after lunch and it occurred to me that in all of my visits I had never even laid eyes on this building. He spoke about his kids and failing marriage while I tried my best to listen and not offer any advice or insight into his selfishness...how can he be so intelligent and stupid at the same time? He wants a divorce and she wants him to work on their issues and at that point I just wanted to plunge into the East River. I was at the end of my tolerance for his arrogance and getting irritated with every word. Luckily I had plans to walk dogs with another friend on the UWS so breaking away will be easy since I assume he has to go back to work.

We started walking back towards midtown and I was lost in my own thoughts so I was more shocked than he when I agreed to meet for dinner the next night. He reached over and half hugged me like a distant relative...I need a drink...

Another Good-Bye XII

He was not even a little handsome although I was pretty happy I was not face to face with another Hasidic Jewish man trying to disguise his identity. I tried to look almost through him because his teeth were awful and whatever was growing on his face was starting to make me uncomfortable...it was not a beard. Lawrence was polite but creepy, although I couldn't tell you at the time what was sending my spider senses fluttering about, I just knew he turned me off more than he turned me on...my on switch felt broken at this point.

I tried to sit back and watch him order us lunch but he clearly had never eaten sushi before and if I let it continue I was either going to starve or end up with only tempura. I placed my hand on the menu and flashed him my best smile while I turned it so I could read it hoping he would take the hint and let me order. Lawrence is a shark in his world both in his private life and work...I'm not sure how this will evolve or maybe I just don't care anymore. I ordered us tea along with a mixed boat to taste test...I could easily listen to someone else's life for an hour or two...

Another Good-Bye XI

I was on the east side of Grand Central Station lined up at an overly popular sushi restaurant. I was meeting Lawrence for lunch and if you aren't there when the doors open then your reservation is gone. I have never laid eyes on this man, he refused to share a picture because he had been taken advantage of previously...although he wouldn't elaborate of that story. I was curious about this corporate lawyer who was willing to make time for me...New York lawyers rarely have time for anyone who isn't being billed by their practice. I knew he was Jewish and that was it...what the fuck am I doing here? I guess I needed the distraction, to stop thinking about my son and making it a crisis in my head.

They sat me against the back wall where I had a perfect view of everyone walking down the street and through the door...not that it mattered since I have no idea who I am looking for. I ordered tea and watched the city walk by...I barely noticed Lawrence sit down right in front of me...