Finding the Edge II

I got home late last night and decided to wait until this morning to speak with Dan about John.  I woke earlier then him, I grabbed my computer and headed for the couch.  I hadn't checked my messages all weekend and was a little excited to see who had messaged me.  There were a couple dozen people that said hi and want to know my name but nothing spectacular and I may have answered three or four...seriously if your cover picture is you in sweats double fisting beers then feel free to move on.  I can't understand why people post pictures of themselves looking as awful as possible, if you're not going to try with at least a decent picture it makes me think you won't try anywhere else...delete, delete, delete, delete....

Dan came down in time for breakfast and looked as handsome as ever, I could stare at him all day long.  He grabbed us some coffee, sat down beside me and threw me the wink I love so much.  "So how was the big date?"  I put my toast down and tried my best not to laugh...or cry, it all feels the same lately.  I told him all about the cop car, club house, arguing and drinks.  "Wow Natalie that seems a bit crazy".  He was right and that's why I loved it so much, it was insane to think that all happened and I felt bad hoping it would happen again.  "Dan I want to see him again, we share something and it makes me feel better".  Even as I said it my heart ached for Dan because I know it's the one thing he will never share with me...I silently thank God for that.  He looks over and smiles at me, I know it's more for my benefit than his.  "It's okay Natalie I just want you to find that light again".  He has no idea how much I am struggling inside to feel emotionally stable, it feels like a roller coaster and every time I think it's done it starts right back up...this is hell.  I don't know how I became so lost and I can feel myself sliding off the rails but I don't want to stop because the insanity takes away the pain and I just can't handle the sadness anymore.

Dan and I cleaned the table and he grabbed his computer to leave for work.  I know he is hurting because he can't help me...but neither can I.  I sat on the couch and cried until she woke...