Summer of Natalie II

Saturday morning came fast and with the same welcoming as last Sunday, except this time I managed to stay in the bed.  I go over the events of last night and it makes me smile because it reminds me of years ago when Leann and I were in university together, we have become much tamer over the years.  I look over and see Advil and water on the night stand, I love my friend. 


Over the last few weeks I have made a habit of clearing my head by going through all my anxieties and talking myself off the ledge.  I have a constant feeling of sickness in my stomach that hinders me from being me...it's like I'm standing on the top of a diving board and want to jump but am too afraid.  I wonder how I became so obsessed with other's views of me.  I try and think of the exact point in my life where I let other's opinions and expectations override my own.  It seemed crazy as I thought about it, that I would live my life how I felt others would want me too.  That they have expectations of me that I have to reach or I will be 'less' or 'a failure'.  It pissed me off as I thought about it, I had trouble meeting my own expectations let alone other's.  And now when I had reached my breaking point, a point where I was laying on my bathroom floor afraid that I was never going to live I continued to worry about how other's would view my family.  It made me sick that I had become so weak and insecure with myself that I followed other's into their happiness and ignored mine.  I wondered if other's actually cared if I lived my own life, was this all in my head.  Was I feeding my own insecurities or was this happening, and even if they had an opinion was it necessarily bad or did they stew over it like I had been for years?  I always knew that not everyone would be able to see my difference as a charm and possibly view it as more of a curse.  I mean here I was with essentially a perfect life from husband to ex-husband...why the fuck can I not just be happy?  What more could I possibly want?   I immediately resort back to, I am open and honest with everything I think and do, I am not hurting anyone and my friends and family love me and will support me.  It's become my mantra these days.  I know in my heart that my family and friends are more concerned about me but habit continues to force my thoughts to judgement.  How arrogant that I believe you think more about my life then your own...but still I believe it. 


Leann walks in draped in her blanket and crawls into bed to recount the previous evening.  It feels amazing to be with a friend that just knows who I am and loves me anyway.