Summer of Natalie XXI

John armed the alarm and we walked back to the car, he opened my door and we drove back to the parking lot.  I knew I was okay to drive but I wasn't about to tell him that, I didn't want our time to end yet.  We sat in silence for a while, I had so many questions but knew his walls were too high and they were not coming down anytime soon.  He finally broke the silence, "Natalie why do you want an open marriage?" It startled me because he always calls me Irish, does Robocop want to have a heart to heart?  "I guess because I'm not the same person I was when I got married and there seems to be a routine that haunts me".  I looked over and can see his head is down and he's picking at the steering wheel, "I wonder if my marriage would have lasted if we opened it".  I felt so sad for him, his career clearly gave him the switch to disconnect...even from the woman he loves.  John would be perfect for my support group, if only he could open up and just feel.

John looked at me and I could see the light in his eyes, and it made me smile.  "Have you dated much?"  I just shook my head and thought I'd spare him the episode of Jay and Leann getting drunk.  "There was a guy I had dinner with but nothing special".  I told him we met on the same site but he was a pilot from out of town that was visiting for a few days.  "So you drove all the way down here for dinner".  To be honest I wouldn't have thought that was bazaar since I knew I drove down this evening just for a drink.  "No, we met on the site and he flew in from Chicago".  The switch was flipped and cop was back, he looked almost irritated.  I could hear him say something under his breath but couldn't make it out.  "John do you have something to say?" He glared at me, "you can probably drive now" and handed me my keys.  I was confused, I have no idea what happened.  "Is everything okay? You seem upset".  He jumped out of the car and came to open my door.  I stepped out of the car and my own irritation started to grow and I could feel the tension but had no idea why it existed.  "John did I say something wrong?"  He wouldn't even look at me "nope, good night".   I threw my purse in the car, and turned around ready to have it out.  He stood there looking at me and I was on fire, he could see the anger all over my face.  "If you have something to say cop you better spit it out".  I could see a grin form on his face and it made me madder...was this intentional?  Was he jealous of the pilot?  That only pissed me off even more because now I felt like I was baited into answering his interrogation only to have it thrown back at me.  "John I will not become a liar to suit you.  If you want to know something about me then I will tell you but you better stop and think if you really want to know the answer".  He looked up and smiled, "get in your car Irish".  This was intentional but why?  Why not just shake my hand, thank me for the date, tell me you're not interested and part ways?  Why be a jerk?

I jumped in my car and slammed the door.  I felt sick because I didn't know if I was ever going to see him again and I didn't even know if I wanted to.  Everything went sideways and I had no answers and worse, I had a cop that refused to answer any questions...especially when it came to how he was feeling.  How convenient to have an internal switch where you can be close to your son and a robot with everyone else, I almost envied him if I didn't feel so much anger towards him.  I backed out and and left him standing in the parking lot...I almost ran him over but I didn't even care at that point.  

I must have made a wrong turn when I left because I found myself on a gravel road in the middle of the night.  The tears started pouring out of my eyes uncontrollably and I had to get out of my car to throw up.