Changing Directions VI

I must have sat there with my phone in my hand for hours; realistically it was about twenty minutes.  I already said good bye to him and he's already cancelled twice and as I go through all this information in my thoughts I can't help but feel excited that he wants to see me.  I typed, deleted and re-typed so many times I had no idea what to say; I'm a little relieved that tone and emotion is lost over a text message.  I wish I liked myself enough to walk away and just move forward, I'm clearly lacking some self confidence and self respect and I hate him for exposing it and taking advantage of it.

John makes me think back to when I left my first husband and slid off the rails with a man who treated me not so differently.  It made me want to puke when I thought of him, he was arrogant, selfish and an all around mean man who took too much pleasure in making others feel inferior.  I really needed to believe John was different and I know it's because I hope that I am different and not walking down the same destructive path that I know will only serve me with regret, pain, guilt and anger.  I remember when I finally got fed up and left him; it was right after I started university and my world was finally looking up.  Once I started to move away from him and build my own life back up I became stronger and better and he no longer had any hold over me...it got worse before it got better but I knew that was never a path I ever wanted to walk again.  I don't want John to be like him and I knew that in many ways he was not but the negative feelings felt very familiar and made me keep going back to the only other man that had a hold over me.  I don't want to make the same mistakes and I worry that all I am doing is trying to convince myself that they are different people and I'm a smarter woman...but I don't feel smarter...I just ignore that voice.

"Sure if you're around and not working then we can get a drink".  I hoped that sounded as casual as I needed it to.  There's something to be said when you crave someone else's approval of yourself over your own...stupid girl!