Mastering the Mundane II

My life really isn't awful, in fact it is quite beautiful, full and fun.  I am surrounded by two amazing children and a man who is nothing short of perfect.  I decided to enjoy and take in the ones I love; my emotional crisis does not have to take away every minute of my days and I truly love my family.  The issue has never been if I love them and want to spend time with them, the issue has always been my darkness, lack of direction, hiding from my weirdness and completely abandoning myself and what I want.  After so many years have passed, the sound of doors closing all around me feels overwhelming.  People will tell me that windows open when doors close but I just don't want a watered down version of my own dream.  I'm trying my best these days to change my perspective, to embrace the now and to remember that nothing is forever.  I hope that one day I will feel like so many others behave and portray...whether real or imagined.   My emotions have betrayed me and will no longer tolerate 'faking it'.  I feel empowered these days as I slowly start to look inside and go through the mess of insecurities, fear, shame, embarrassment and loneliness.  My fear is that I will teach and pass this on to my daughter like a disease she has no business having.  I'm committed to doing the work, but not Laura, she will just make me okay with being empty.

I think about John a lot these days and wonder how he deals with it all.  I know we are the same and that's why he plays this game.  I feel like he wants to know what it is like to be him and feel every emotion but becomes overwhelmed, flips the switch and cancels our dates.  The reason I run to him is the reason he runs from me...that's how broken works.  We are different sides of the same coin, only one can be shown at a time while the other remains hidden.  I ache for him every day and hope one day he throws the switch away and is free.

I can hear her take out her legos and play doh; for some reason she likes to play both at the same time.  "Mama play?"  She makes me laugh with her big curls, blue eyes and attitude, "yes birdie, I would love to play".  Maybe it's because I know New York is on the horizon or perhaps it is because I am finally doing work on myself...whatever the reason, I am feeling better and have no issues concentrating on my home these days...but I know nothing is forever...