Full Circle II

I tapped the screen on my phone as if it would make him respond faster. What is it about this man that makes me play the game so easily? I used to feel a hot rage inside of me when he would pull me into his vortex of garbage but right now I feel like I could use the distraction. He must be working or training here for the next week. What would I say to him if he actually showed up? Will I actually show up? He loves this game and I am not exactly innocent when playing along...it has always been the glue that binds this toxic friendship...or whatever is left of it. I can remember clearly the two of us standing in the parking lot of his work having an all out verbal argument then almost hitting him with my car, he lit this fire in me that I craved to have but knew was damaging to the person I am. He could bring me to the brink of insanity just before pulling me back in, like he wanted me to have the slightest glimpse into his own chaotic emotional nightmare. I think I feel sorry for him...who could maintain a life at that speed and still thrive and be healthy for your children? I didn't feel the anxiousness around him anymore and that was relieving because I felt in control knowing he was back in touch but also with the knowledge that he was in my city.

"I'm off at six tonight, wanna go out for a drink?" Hmm, do I bite and agree only to be stood up again? Do I tell him to fuck off and not even entertain the likelihood of him showing up? "I'll need you to pick me up at my hotel because I don't have a car here". That's new because he has never ever let me be in control of meeting and now he has to tell me where exactly he is staying which should or could scare him easily because if he stands me up I can still find him and completely call him out on his bullshit games. The next text was definitely upping the ante, it included his hotel and room number, I could call to make sure he was being honest but that was not an option I am giving myself. If I plan to meet him for a drink then I have to let everything else go otherwise I'll only create anger in myself.

"I'll pick you up at seven." There was no need to say anything else, no threats or jokes about his previous behaviours...that Natalie is gone...I don't really care anymore if he shows up or cancels because I am no longer a player in his game.