New Eyes...Same World VI

I loved sitting at my kitchen table and looking out at the field, well it used to be a field now it is full of houses. I found that I could easily lose hours just staring into the sky like an unintentional meditation. Sometimes I like to get lost in my thoughts and daydream about the day where I am a successful full time writer. Then it occurred to me that I live one week a month in New York City as well as write for a magazine...am I not living my dream? Do I have to make money from it or is being able to live it out enough? Maybe I put too much stress on others versions of what success means and lost sight of my own, I truly live part time in NYC and I write...seems pretty complete.

I heard a loud thud on the table and it took me right out of my mind. She brought every book and pencil case she could locate and set up shop right beside me. "Mama you want to play office?" How could I not want to play office with this little birdy. "Dr. Anna please hold my calls until I am done my reports." I could hear her giggle at my response and watched her out of the corner of my eye writing her name on pieces of paper and practicing her numbers...

New Eyes...Same World V

I was writing a lot more in the last few weeks. I found my creative writing class the match that seemed to be able to light my spark back up. My coach was everything I wanted her to be and our relationship was only getting better. I wasn't sure how I was going to write an entire book on my sexual liberation and not talk about the trauma, but I do not want to discuss that in my book. Writing about the trauma almost made me sound poetic and passionate but that can't be right. I've always been passionate, maybe I just need more inspiration. When I'm sad I write from the darkest corners of my heart and soul and when I am happy the comedian emerges and I can flip any sentence into an act. The problem I was facing these days was that the more I read my work, the more I hated it and I couldn't tell if that was from reading it too much or if I was just an awful writer...but does it matter?

New Eyes...Same World IV

I hadn't been in the basement since he told me he was going to Montreal for school. I forgot that we had already framed, dry walled and painted it all as well as started the plumbing. When he decided to move away we halted all work on the basement because it was no longer necessary...the house was big enough without it. Now I was standing in the middle of his bedroom and trying to imagine where his closet would go, what type of lighting would be best for studying and where he should put his bed. I could hear her feet above me running around and I wanted her input because one day this will likely be her room.

The basement door opened and I could hear her come down the stairs slowly, "mama are you down here?" I smiled at the sound of her voice, half questioning and half sassy. "Yes bird, come down." I have called her bird since the day she was born and now she gets offended if I use her name. "What are you doing mama?" I picked her up and carried her into the bedroom, "This is going to be the bedroom, want to help me design it?" Her face lit up like I just gave her carte blanche on decorating; I could have stood there all day listening to all of her ideas...she may be little but her mind and creativity is infinite. I took a seat on the floor and let her paint me a verbal picture of her perfect bedroom...

New Eyes...Same World III

She was reading a book in her room when I found her. She has this amazing ability to make my heart melt and eyes water. I knocked lightly on the door so she knew I was there; I love watching her face light up when she sees me. I walked over and sat down her in her tiny little toddler bed and listened to her read me Cat in the Hat books that she memorized from her bedtime routine with Dan. I laid down and closed my eyes listening to her voice and how it changes with each turn of the page; she has an unbelievable personality that manages to bring everything to life. I felt her little hand on my face and it's her way of letting me know she loves me; she doesn't say the words but she shows her emotions and prefers this way, I don't push to hear the words. I figured it out a few months back when every time I said "I love you" she would walk over and hug me. I placed my hand over hers and kissed her palm, "Bailey is coming to live here soon." I opened my eyes to see the largest toothy grin across her face. "Why is he coming mama?" She's probably confused since she was there when we moved him into his dorms across the country. "He's coming to go to school here." I could see her eyes light up and the wheels turning in her head, "So we will go to the same school?" Of course she thinks that is possible, which is what makes her one of my favourite people to hang out with along with her brother and Dan. I pulled her into me and kissed her cheeks, "Tell me again about Yertle the Turtle"...

New Eyes...Same World II

Dan was still at work when I arrived; it was god awful early when I finally left NY. Karen took an early lunch and was waiting for me when I collected my luggage and made my way to the long row of cars looking for loved ones. My mind was more tired than my body but I was still looking forward to getting home and seeing my little girl and curling up on the couch with her. She will be so excited to learn that her big brother is coming home to live with us. I want them to be close and the struggle was already in place for that to be difficult because of the age difference and then him not living close enough to us...but that is all about to end.

I stepped outside and lost my breath to the cold air. I didn't care, coming home was nice...I didn't miss NY or feel sad leaving. I was already planning the designs for the basement and thanking the universe for this disguised gift. Change isn't necessarily bad...I guess it just depends how you choose to view it...

New Eyes...Same World

No delays at six am and I walked right through security with ease. Ramone was at the gate and Yemran was close behind, "Good morning Mrs. Wanner, you're up early." I love these guys, over the years they have become like unlikely friends that accommodate every request for me when leaving LGA. I smiled at them and thanked them for working with me to help that poor woman get to her destination to say good-bye to her nephew. Yemran followed me onto the plane and set me up in first class so I could easily nap on my way to Toronto. He informed me that my connection flight would leave on time as well and I would be home in a few hours.

I tilted my seat back once we left the runway and just appreciated how cleansing this trip had been for myself, my son and the people I walk by everyday...I better start developing the basement for the kid...he starts school in a few months. Tears may have fallen but I made them detour around my smile. Six hours until I get to see Dan...my heart aches and melts at the same time for that man...

Another Good-Bye XXIII

I stood in the middle of the street until his car disappeared and the familiar feeling of warm tears were welcomed and deserved. Being his mom has always felt like an honour and blessing not just because he's a great kid but because he has always helped me be a good mom to him. Waving good-bye to him seems like something that has happened far too often and as that thought hit me it was followed directly by the realization that for the first time since he was a toddler he would be living with me full time. Now that he's leaving Montreal he will attend the university where I live...funny how the best gifts come from some of the deepest struggles. I'm so proud of him, it's his life and I am merely a co-pilot...I trust him and am always in awe of his confidence and strength.

Driving through the city and watching the reel of dreams and memories run through my mind is always my favourite way to say good-bye...until next time...

Another Good-Bye XXII

We finally wondered into the city a few hours later and grabbed a bite to eat in a diner near Union Square. I was still in a haze from the crying and surrealness of the last week. He looked better, although still tired. I was taking him to a comedy show on the east side later in the evening and we wanted to do some shopping before then. He seemed to be a little less down this afternoon and I was hoping it was because I finally crossed the line and stood on his side. He heads back to Montreal tomorrow to pack up and start the journey home in the next couple of weeks and I head back to Edmonton where Dan has been waiting for me for the past few days.

I think one thing I will miss is having him so close when we are both so far away from home...

Another Good-Bye XXI

I woke with a brand new attitude and left the rest far behind me. It didn't matter why he was leaving football, it only mattered that I support him through this. No matter the heart break I felt or the loss, he must have agonized over this decision for longer and with a heavier heart. My son is everything to me and that only matters if I show that to him.

He emerged from the bedroom about twenty minutes after I opened my eyes. He sat on the couch opposite me and was giving Cleopatra all the attention she could handle. I got off of my couch and called Cleo to the door so I could send her out and not distract us. I walked back over and sat beside him on the couch, this was going to be the easiest apology I could ever make because he deserves it and I was wrong. I wrapped my arms around him and just told him the truth; that I love him, support him and will help him with anything that he needs. I finally felt his embrace and tears on my neck from burying his face. I love him so much...it was difficult to say good-bye to football...but it wasn't my good-bye to have...it's time to mend...

Another Good-Bye XX

I met him at the bottom of the stairs to Clarence's apartment and showed him where to park his car for the next couple of days. The tension was almost too much so I decided to take him to Hoboken and get some pizza at Grimaldi's...hoping it's as good as the original. Thank goodness it was only a few minutes of small talk, I cant stand small talk and find it almost insulting; if we can't find much to talk about...what's the point.

The hostess seated us in an oversized booth and I ordered immediately. He looked tired, more exhausted and just stared into space...like he was looking right through me. Slowly we started to rip the band aid off of the issue that has been haunting me for the past few days, and him for likely the better part of his semester. I love his face and heart so much, I can easily remember him as my baby and small child. He was always the best part of my days and now I've become one of the worst for him...but it's time to drop the football and just accept whatever his decisions are. I have spent the better part of his life preaching that he is the pilot to his own life so now it's time to stand behind my words and a belief I still hold.

The whole thing lasted less than ten minutes...tears flowed, anger rose and questions were asked that he refused to answer. I felt like I was asked to accept something without any reason...but how can I do that when he is leaving his dream? How do I just say 'okay, no problem 12 years isn't that long anyway'? My frustration was no longer around football, it was around his vague answers and blank stares...what happened to my son? I asked myself the whole way back while begging him not to leave...

Another Good-Bye XIX

I can't recall a time where Dan was not completely supportive of my decisions, he doesn't even blink or make a fuss. I have never been guilt tripped or argued with when I needed to make difficult decisions...like the one I just made. I hate missing our anniversary but my son has to come first over a date, he's hurting and I have some big apologies to make. I cried in his ear knowing he understands and feeling overwhelmed by his constant love and support.

I was standing at the bus stop with my luggage, waiting to get back to Port Authority while exchanging texts with my son. He agreed to come for a couple of days as long as this was not a visit to talk him back onto the field. I had no interest in that, he agonized about his decision and it was not easy for him...this is not about hoping he stays, it's about hoping he is alright. Warm tears ran down my face as I handed the driver my receipt...

Another Good-Bye XVIII

I was standing in Laguardia staring off into someone's lunch when I heard a woman crying to the agent. This airport is a nightmare on the clearest of days so in early February when the weather is even more unpredictable you should never expect to leave on time...if at all. I was standing next to the woman who was a mess of tears and sobbing after learning that there wasn't a seat for her on the plane and she would not be able to get home until morning. I reached over and placed my hand over hers to offer her any comfort and not really sure why she was so upset about a missed flight. She looked over and showed me a picture of a young man on her phone; her nephew was killed in Toronto earlier in the week and she was rushing to make the wake and then the funeral. By the time her plane would arrive into Toronto she would miss them both. She was on three planes today already trying to puddle jump into the city but was unsuccessful due to her stand by status of having to fly last minute. My ten year wedding anniversary is tomorrow and my son is a few hours away thinking that I don't love him anymore...Dan will understand...

The gentleman was attempting to calm her down but was not getting very far. If I stay and give her my seat then I can't leave for three days because of the All Star game in Toronto and lack of flights. I squeezed her hand and asked them to release my luggage and put me on the first flight after the weekend. I felt sick because I have to call Dan and tell him that I won't be home. The woman hugged me as I was walking back to the luggage claim and I have to believe this is happening for a reason.

I texted my son and asked him to meet me in North Bergen where Clarence lives because I still have the keys to his place and need these couple of days to be with him and then I dialled Dan and took a deep breath...

Another Good-Bye XVII

I may as well have eaten alone, or maybe he should have because I was not very good company. I could barely eat thinking about my son and then having to leave tomorrow to head back for my ten year wedding anniversary, which is a weird thought as I'm eating sushi with this man in Manhattan. I was brought out of my thoughts and back to the table when he used his chop sticks to tap on the side of my plate, "are you okay?" Obviously I'm not okay but didn't want to unload all of my new anxieties onto this poor man who was just looking for dinner company. "Yeah just a bit distracted with everything I need to do before I leave for home tomorrow." I gave him what I can only imagine was a half ugly smile full of anxiety and nausea. He continued to talk about going to his country house in Connecticut and I could not even pretend to be interested in anything that was coming out of his mouth. I just kept thinking I should go and try to talk to my son face to face but it was all done, he even told his coach and left his classes...the anger rose in me again, I started shaking and tried to hide my dry heaving...why does it feel like I am the one losing so much?

Another Good-Bye XVI

I could barely believe it was me on the phone, it felt like I was on the outside looking in at this mother who had become so emotional she lost her ability to remain calm. I can't recall everything I said in my moments of anger but I knew I told him he had to repay his RESP, sell all the stuff in his apartment to repay me and then find a way home as well as apply for university and pray he gets in. I don't think I said good-bye when I hung up. I remember feeling hot on the inside of my stomach and face; I panicked...I didn't offer support...I failed him...again...

Another Good-Bye XV

We hugged on the way out the doors and she headed for her subway while I walked towards Columbus Circle playing a conversation in my head that hadn't even happened yet. I was going home in two days and I needed to talk to my son now because he is close enough that if needed then I could make the trip up to Montreal to be with him. He must have had the same idea, my phone was vibrating and I had already missed a call. "Mom, we need to talk about this." My heart sank and I wanted to run back to the times where he was little and I could fix it all, but I can't fix this and I feel forced into supporting a decision I feel is harsh and not very well thought out. "Okay, tell me why you want to leave football." I could hear him sigh heavily and felt him collect himself because he knows he has to sell this to me. Together we put in a lot of time and money into this dream and now he wants to walk away...but he should be allowed...right? So then why the fuck am I so angry. I guess I believed that someone was pushing him, a coach was bullying him or he was home sick...how can passion and drive fall by the wayside? "I just don't love it anymore mom. Before I would be the first one on the field and the last one off and now when they say to take extra reps I hate it." The sounds of the city seemed louder during this phone call and I couldn't focus. "How long has this been an issue? Is someone bothering you? Is it a girl? Are you leaving for a girl?" I knew he would be pissed off but I deserved answers and I wanted them, and I wanted them to be clear and have substance. Maybe he's just tired, I don't want him to walk away without being sure and on the other side I don't want him to stay because he feels he owes me that. Disinterest on the field leaves you open to injury and I never want that. "No mom, this is my decision and is not influenced by anyone else." It was almost as if I would not accept that information as real or truthful. I started to sweat and panic...