Joseph and I parted ways almost five months ago, it was hurtful...but by that time, everything was hurtful. I couldn't even tell you what happened, and today, I don't even care...everything reaches completion. I spent several weeks meditating and pouring love into myself and finally reached the destination of indifference. I didn't want it to get to that point but it did and so I do the work and vacate him from my soul. One day I will go back to collect some memories, ones outside of my book, but right now I refuse to pour more energy into watering dead flowers.
I struggled, a lot. Not with him leaving, but the fashion, the pain and the trauma he unloaded as he left and it's difficult not to take it personally...even knowing it's his own insecurities eating him alive. One day I remember feeling relieved, probably more for him than myself. I could feel his anxieties around me, around my time and around the ways my life was changing and expanding. It didn't feel difficult to let him go, after listening to someone tell you the same things over and over you can no longer unfeel those feelings or unhear those words and collectively we released each other from the agony our relationship had evolved into.
I didn't know what life after Joseph would feel like, I guess I didn't ever think about it. My friends rallied around and filled all the spaces in my heart and day, and just like that they lifted me back into my balance. I spent several weeks wondering, thinking back and trying to find any sense in it all but the reality is that in life and in love many things will never make sense. I stopped going back trying to complete the puzzle and just accepted that all the pieces were never there. Trying to make something work without proper pieces only creates droplets of resentment that collect over time and pool in your heart. It's not enough to just want something and so I step back and decide if it's worth trying again with someone else...
