Baby Steps VIII

The food finally arrived as the other two were placing their order and I wanted to crawl under the table and wondered if it would be rude to just stand up and walk out.  The three of them were talking like I wasn't even at the table and I wasn't sure if I was relieved or pissed off.  What the hell do they think is going to happen?  I could feel my face burning and getting red and I wanted out, right now I wanted out.  I'm in way over my head and I have no idea how to even maneuver in this world.  I wasn't even a little shocked when a second woman joined us and the door to the restaurant is starting to look like a clown car and I wonder how many more will walk through and join my date.  After they completed introductions and went on like this is just a completely normal fucking date I grabbed my purse and excused myself to go to the washroom...hoping for a window I could crawl out of...

Baby Steps VII

She reached her hand across the table to shake mine and introduce herself.  She was quite nice and under any other circumstances I would have appeared less like a robot.  I have no idea how to approach this and I'm fading fast, I'm pretty sure I'm about to cry from anxiety or die from embarrassment.  And the only thought that keeps going through my head is 'what if his relationship is not open'.  That fear was immediately put to rest when her date joined us....wtf is going on?  And then a light went off and the webs cleared and oh my goodness...these people are swingers...

Baby Steps VI

Hair done, dogs walked, house dog proofed and keys in hand.  Tonight is my first experience with someone in my exact situation and I should't be nearly as nervous as I am but I suddenly want to throw up and call it off.  I just went into auto pilot and jumped in the car and drove to Gatineau, which proved to be a challenge all on its own.  I found the restaurant, parked and wondered why I put myself through this anxiety...I guess because it's actually excitement.  

I walked in and found him right in the middle and he looked the exact same...that almost never happens.  He was nice and made me comfortable immediately which didn't really take away my awkwardness and anxiety.  We ordered our drinks and food and I couldn't help but sit there frozen in time...it's not often I am speechless and I can't really understand why I am now.  I feel almost scared and it triggers my nausea, I have no idea what's going on with me so I started drinking my water...then his...this is awful.  And just as I am about to slide into a normal state or what would look like one to the outside world this tall beautiful blonde comes over to our table and pulls up a chair...

Baby Steps V

5am came far too soon and I instantly hated my brother for walking his dogs so early in the morning. I threw my jacket on over my pyjamas, grabbed the leashes and made my way into the exceptionally cold morning.  I didn't even see another person on the street, no traffic or buses, it was almost creepy so I cut the walk from six blocks to four and hurried home.

I crawled back into bed wide awake and grabbed my computer.  I loved having a bunch of messages to read and it was still a great way to kill time at any time of the day.  I love how many people here are in open relationships, it makes me feel comfortable and less like a secret.  People here are completely open about their sexuality like it's natural to have more than one partner and I've become even more excited about the dating scene.  I have a few dates with men in open marriages and relationships and I am curious to see what they do in their relationships to make it successful...I wonder if there is any information I need for Dan and I to ensure success in our own relationship.  We have hit some speed bumps in the past year but we have definitely come a long way and are now very comfortable in our own marriage.  Dan read that it takes about a year to make the transformation and although I wish I would have initially done it differently I am so happy we came out the other side unscathed.  We really enjoy dating and meeting new people...I wonder if it will be easier dating other polyamorous people...

Baby Steps IV

Evan looked exactly like his pictures with a little grunge twist I wasn't especially fond of but it's only a drink and I would be home watching Netflix in an hour and a half.  I ordered a Heineken, shifted in my seat so I was facing him, smiled and introduced myself.  We chatted a little about his career and shared stories of our travel experiences.  He recently moved back in with his parents to save money for a house, I couldn't even imagine asking my mother to make room for me in her home at thirty six years old.  I felt a little bad for him for having to follow up my exceptional dinner date...but he would never know that.  I looked around the pub and immediately felt out of place, it looked like a university bar and I was exceeding the age limit.  Evan's a nice guy, he's just not someone I like to spend my time with so when he asked me to stand outside with him while he had a cigarette I accepted eagerly because once I was outside I could easily exit to my car.

The streets were flowing with people and he seemed to know many of the ones heading into the pub...probably because he spends so much of his time there.  He was finishing up and I thought he was going to ask me if I wanted another drink so I was nothing short of shocked when he looked over and asked, "wanna get a hotel?"  Was he joking?  I could tell by his face that he was serious and at this point I was done with this night.  "No Evan, I'm going to go home and you enjoy the rest of your night".  I didn't even look back and walked down the block to my car...I would much rather snuggle my brothers two dogs, eat gluten free cookies and watch Netflix.  Day one down and about a week to go in Ottawa.

Baby Steps III

Dinner was great and the conversation was even better.  He's a former hockey player that went back to school to pursue a degree in engineering.  He is building his empire through accumulating properties and turning them into residential condos.  We ordered wine after dinner and I very slowly sipped mine since I'm aware wine hates me and I'll be sleeping at the table in minutes if I don't chase every sip with a glass of water.  We exchanged on line dating experiences and I wasn't surprised at all that each woman went from wanting to casually date to finding a husband after meeting him.  He comes from a fairly traditional family and is waiting for the 'girl next door' to show up and sweep him off of his feet and I truly hope that happens for him.  We finished up and he helped me with my jacket.  He walked me to my car and I thanked him for dinner and a great evening.  I know I won't see him again because I won't have time but also because I don't want to take the time from him when I know now that he is looking for a wife.  He opened my door, hugged me and I flashed him a smile before getting in.  What a great guy and I can hardly believe he's single but no point in settling for 'close enough'.

I watched him in my rear view mirror walk down the street and turn the corner before I jumped back out and hurried to the pub on the other side of the street just down a few blocks.  I need to plan this stuff better in the future so I'm not sprinting in heels and dodging traffic.

I walked in and seen Evan sitting at the bar, I caught my breath and sat down beside him.

Baby Steps II

Driving around Ottawa is painful for me and it brings me back to 2004 when I drove to NYC with Leann.  We stopped in Ottawa for the night to visit a friend and spent the better part of the day trying to leave the city but only looping around Parliament like a cheap version of National Lampoons European Vacation.  We set up camp just before entering the city then had to stop at a gas station to find out where exactly that camp site might be since neither of us took note of where we were or the name of the place...what were we thinking?  Parliament looked beautiful in the evening, just not after you've passed it thirty plus times while hung over in rush hour traffic.  I found a parking spot just down the block from the restaurant and gathered everything that fell onto the floor from my purse.  Ottawa is actually quite beautiful and charming and I enjoyed window shopping my way to the  restaurant while being fashionably late.

After doing a once over of the crowd I sat at the bar so he would be able to spot me when he arrived, I guess we both wanted the chance to look through the window before committing to dinner.  I texted him so he knew I was there and where to find me so I was a little startled when he walked over from a corner table.  I smiled politely but was completely caught of guard this is hardly the person I was chatting with, I'm surprised this guy can even order a beer.  I sat across from him and he could see my lack of enthusiasm and to be honest I wanted to have it out but feared I would look like his mother reprimanding him at dinner.  He slowly reached in his pocket and pulled out his wallet without breaking eye contact, he knew what I was thinking and I imagine has been through this before.  He slid his licence across the table and unless it's an amazing fake he is actually my age.  My body immediately relaxed and I had to smile and nodded a thank you.  I don't have a lot of rules for dating but one that I really follow is that anyone I date has to be closer to my age than my sons...non negotiable.  I could feel myself blush so I picked up a menu to distract myself, he was adorable, intelligent, a former pro athlete and highly educated...sounds like a great way to start my trip.

Baby Steps I

It felt great to get off the plane and see Trevor waiting for me.  We had about two hours until he had to be checked in and ready to go to Edmonton so we grabbed lunch and his luggage.  We stopped in at a pub near his home and ordered some gluten free burgers and caught up.  He's worried I'm going to be bored and lonely from only having the dogs for a week; I decided not to enlighten him to my schedule incase it created fear and anxiety in him.  I could feel my phone vibrating without a break for the past few minutes and it's like a race to date.  The only appointment I really need to make is with the scouts assistant so as long as he doesn't cancel I'm expecting a great week in the capital.

Trevor jumped out of the car at the airport after reprogramming his GPS to get me back home, I waved and could almost feel an evil smile spread across my face.  After on line searching for people to date and meet while in the city I realized that I am far more interested in seeking what goes on when the politicians go to sleep and the city turns off the lights.  I have a dinner date and a night cap date downtown...it's time to shower up, put on the heels and see what the hell is going on here. ..

My New Routine XII

Ten minutes into the flight and I'm ready to jump, sometimes I'm amazed at how well children can be behaved when their parents are complete morons.  I opened my journal and did a written blog for the day. Writing has become my best and favourite form of therapy, somehow the assistance of paper or a computer makes the darkness feel like a story that I am telling and not living...it's empowering and has become fun.  Through friends I have met along my journey I am being nurtured into fighting for the life I want and surrounding myself with people who care about who I am and love to watch me flourish.  The blonde from the plane that encouraged me to blog is now profiling me and my blog in the magazine she the Editor of and it's another piece in building my puzzle.  Without the last year and my transformations I wouldn't even know what to write about and now I'm curious of where the story will go and what will it look like...life is only over at the end so what else is there?  I think the best thing I ever did for myself was open my eyes and the part of my mind that I wanted to remain locked and just let everything flow into it.  It's not easy to leave the comfort of a perfect life but it's much more difficult to think I had it all figured out at 35 years old.  I feel like a student again and it allows me to move freely and explore a world I always hoped existed and now experience every time I touch down in NYC.  I call it my secret life, but it's not a secret...I'm open about it but try not to sing about it on roof tops but others may choose to not acknowledge it, in the same way I choose not to acknowledge every aspect of my friends lives.  Besides I have no interest in hearing about the sex lives of my friends...well not the married ones anyway.

The attendant came around with drinks and I was starting to hate the teenager behind me who felt the need to adjust his legs and kick my seat every few minutes.  I decided on coffee...with Baileys'.  Two hours left to go, a few screaming kids, turbulence and alcohol....ahhh

My New Routine XI

I felt a little sad sitting at the airport.  It was so early in the morning so I could only kiss her little hand and leave her a small surprise on her night stand before I left.  I wish I could put her in my pocket and take her along with me everywhere.  I grabbed a magazine, coffee and fruit and planted myself at my gate and tried to distract myself from home.  I watched a couple try and corral five small children and at one point Benny Hill music would have fit in beautifully.  It was a touch strange to watch because part of it made me want to never have another child and another part made me sad that my family is so small and my children are so far apart.  I try not to stress about the future because I hate planning what will happen when I die but at the same time I can't ignore the possibilities and hope friends and family will step in and help her.  I love people watching at the airport it reminds me about life and sometimes I need to reach out and touch reality.  

It's time to board and by the looks of the line up it will be a fairly full flight...so much for stretching out.  I watched the father make a mad dash to catch his daughter down the hall and secretly wished Dan and I were people who wanted lots of children...but we're not.  I found my seat and flipped through my magazine...can anyone ever have exactly what they want or do we all compromise a little from how we feel to what we want?  

My New Routine X

A day of play, dinner, bath and a movie make her fade into dreams a little quicker than usual.  I quietly made my way out of her room picking up clothes along the way and left her door open just a little.  On the other side I let out a deep breath and cleaned my way down the stairs and into the kitchen...our whole house has become her playground and I have no idea how to even begin the process of trying to confine it.  I grabbed a Heineken, grapes and my computer before I made my way over the couch and found some mindless show to watch...I actually don't even enjoy TV anymore unless it's sports.  I crossed my legs and it made a perfect table for my computer, it was time to check the mailbox.

I spent the first hour deleting and blocking people, I have no interest in entertaining someone who still thinks it's funny to speak about a woman's 'place' in the world...it lit me on fire fast and I have to block otherwise I'll spend the night arguing with someone that doesn't even matter.  I have always been guilty of arguing my point to the bitter end and these days I just don't care to engage in it at all.  I finally brought 83 messages to 15 and none of them were exciting, but I had a few hours to kill before my bedtime so I decided to at least have a few conversations.  There was the guy who created his own memes and every time he posted one he felt the need to follow it up with an explanation which only proved he wasn't funny or intelligent.  Although goofy is not a trait I like in anyone over 15 years old he really was nice guy so there was no need to block him but I did cut down my responses.  There was the teacher who is going through an awful divorce and currently has a life full of drama, custody battles and being laid off...and that only took three messages to find out.  I really believe more than ever that I should start on line dating support groups.  What woman wants to get involved in that mess?  It sounds awful and draining, he needs to be in therapy or the unemployment line and not on here hoping to add more problems to his current ones.  I particular liked the one who defended his use of street drugs to help keep his mental health under control.   I didn't even know where to start with this guy knowing full well there is no way I will never meet him and have know interest in drug users.  Then there was the guy who was a doctor and wanted to get together downtown for a walk and dinner, which sounded perfect...except it would have to be later in the evening because his wife worked until 7pm.  His profile is a lie...but so is mine just not in the relationship department.  The worst part is that he was still the best option.  I closed my computer and made my way to bed...there's always tomorrow night. 

My New Routine VIIII

I had signed my daughter up for gymnastics about a month ago but I hated it after the first class.  The entire hour was spent chasing her around the equipment and trying to intercept her before she made it to the trampoline.  It was starting to look like a game of gladiator between parents and kids.  It felt more like a cardio class for me so when we pulled up to the studio I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself.  She ran full tilt into the gym and screamed with excitement, it's difficult not to laugh and just be the parent she needs right now.  She looks at me and raises her eyebrows and I can see a sly smile spread across her face, she was going to make a run for it...class is in session.

One hour, a few tears and my heart beating out of my chest after watching my fearless daughter jump off of everything and we were back in the car and heading for home.  I can see her in my rearview mirror and she looks almost as exhausted as me.  "Mama wanna go to the park?"  I don't, all I want to do is grab a coffee and put my feet up and silently pray that she will nap.  "Yep, wanna go to the blue or green park?"  She giggled, threw her arms in the air started singing to her baby.  Dan is out of town this week for work so I will have plenty of free time this evening to feed my addiction.  But for now, we're going to the park then having grilled cheese.

My New Routine VIII

I didn't even hear Dan come home last night or feel her crawl into bed.  I had a hand tangled in my hair, drool on my arm and was freezing from being uncovered.  Both of them were still sleeping comfortably so I slowly rolled out of bed, washed my face and crawled for my computer.  The dogs followed me to the kitchen looking at me like they haven't eating in months let alone twelve hours.  They stood looking at me while I stood looking at the Keurig wondering the same thing...what is taking so long?  After filling their bowls and grabbing a full cup of coffee I planted myself at the island and opened my computer like it was filled with dirty secrets...I may have blushed at the thoughts of what I would find.

I opened my profile to pages of messages most of which aren't worth the time to read or entertain.  I love reading these profiles, some are intelligent and clever well others lack any type of effort.  I especially like the ones with the men in sweat pants that haven't shaved for weeks and has a stain on his shirt...and for some reason he thought I would be up for meeting.  If he posts that on a dating site I cannot even imagine how he will show up...delete and block.  There are some pretty kinky people in this city and I love it, not that I'm into kink of any sort but I love that people don't have shame around their sexual preferences.  I don't even understand BDSM and trust me I've read Fifty Shades of Grey but still can't come to terms with getting my ass kicked in bed, not to mention I have zero pain tolerance even after giving birth twice.  I received a message from an aspiring photographer who is wanting women to pose for his portfolio, he claims it is all fully clothed and just for him to show potential clients...my mind immediately slides over to a scene from Criminal Minds and I wonder how many 'Talent Agents' are on these sites and how easy the pickings must be when desperation sets in.  One guy uses his profile to promote his new album while another uses his to recruit female athletes for a basketball team...this is what Craigslist must look like.  The amount of military and police officers is staggering even to me and Ottawa must hold the record for most per capita for on line dating.

Ugh, my cup was empty and I could hear Dan turn on the shower...I'll have to pick this back up tomorrow.  It's time to start breakfast and plan some activities for the day...the addiction cannot be trusted and I have the itch...

My New Routine VII

We were both exhausted by the time we finally got home and unpacked the car.  She way laying on the couch with her blanket and I was scouring the fridge for a beer, I was not successful.  I ran her a bath and grabbed her pyjamas.  Dan was at band practice and I was just about done with the day and needed a few hours to decompress.  I walked into the living room to find her fast asleep on the couch so I decided to cover her up and leave her there until Dan could move her.

After unpacking our clothes and starting the laundry I grabbed my computer.  I had about two weeks until I would be in Ottawa for a week, it was time to start looking for friends...but I have to be careful because I am guilty of being a slave to the online dating site.  I've become a pro at filling out these bullshit questionnaires and have a profile up and running in a matter of minutes.  I have no idea why they even make us do those, it's not like they separate us based on preference, income or religion.  Ottawa is all new people for me and I can't help but feel a little excited to see what I will stumble onto in this city.  I still shake my head when people outright state they are looking for a wife and I don't know if it's because they are looking for an online bride or because I am on a site where men are looking for wives and I already am one.  Ottawa is a mixed bag of surprises and it's difficult not to notice all of the profiles set up by couples and even same sex couples and dare I say...cop partners.  This is far beyond my scope of experience but the openness is intriguing and comfortable...still, it makes me giggle like a school girl.  Before I even had the chance to start and answer the messages flooding into my mailbox I closed my computer and slid it under the bed...this is far too interesting to get into tonight and I couldn't function after an all nighter.  I found Seinfeld and drifted off...

My New Routine VI

After waving to my son I went back to the house and packed up my things and said goodbye to the grandparents.  We sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star as I buckled her into her car seat and made plans to stop for sandwiches on the way home.  It felt good to help my son follow his dream.  His father and I have never been able to play the politics in sports and we know that has hindered him greatly in terms of teams, positions and exposure.  Perhaps I was getting a little paranoid but I asked my ex to not talk about this opportunity to anyone involved in football back home.  I didn't want anyone tinkering with his fair shot and I didn't want him to feel the pressure before he even got on the plane.  I leave for Ottawa in a couple of weeks and would meet the assistant and find out as much information as possible to help him succeed.  Hard work was never an issue...fairness was.  At this point we just have to wait until he gets there.

I could hear her lightly singing her favourite songs in the back seat so I put in her CD and sang along in all the voices that make her giggle.  I'm very blessed to be a mother and I take the responsibility serious whether it's football mom or karaoke in the car.  I want my children to feel the energy of my presence in their lives and feel how much I love them.  Three hours to go and life is great...

My New Routine V

Two days later and third place wasn't so bad.  I hugged the moms, snapped some pictures and made my way to mid court where my son and I always meet after any game.  He was in tears in and clutched onto me, not sad they came in third but upset that it was the last game with his team.  His father and step mother came over and we continued to take pictures and make small talk, I looked over and seen our son rallying one last times with his team and decided to let the cat out of the bag to his father first in the hopes that if it pissed him off that the gym was far too crowded for him to express it...I had mastered the art of dealing with my ex-husband and he knew it.  He tended to over react when it came to our son, but maybe that's just my opinion.  I have had the years to come to terms with living away from my child but he never had that and I worry about how this will affect him.  He came to Canada alone several years ago and our child is his only family, I try to be sensitive towards that but never at the expense of our son.

I grabbed my son after the picture session and led him to the bleachers I hoped this would be a successful hail mary to save his dream of playing football because with all of the politics around it he was starting to hate the idea of giving it even more years of his life.  I explained that I had a scout and that he would be given an opportunity to let dozens of schools witness his skills at a camp for a division one school in Montreal.   I took a deep breath knowing that I am guilty of wanting him to follow his dream, but also realizing that football is our thing and I wasn't ready to let it go...I sat there scared to breathe but trying to look confident.  In the end it is always his choice but I couldn't help but try and will it into the direction I want.  My son is strong and if he wants it then he will get it and if he does't then there is nothing I can do to convince him, he's not stubborn he's decisive.  I could see it in his eyes when it finally sunk in what I told him and the significance it held for his future, he was happy and I finally let out the air I had been holding.  "If nothing else it will give you an unbiased look from coaches who have never seen you, and hopefully no politics now that we have a scout".  He was glowing and not just from the game he finished, he was excited.  We both knew what this meant though...this would tell us if he had any chance to move up or if it was time to retire the cleats...

My New Routine IV

I brought her to her grandparents house and unloaded the car, we would be staying with them for the week so I could watch the basketball games and she could have some time with them.  She really enjoys seeing them and it gives me a chance to actually watch my son play his games without chasing her around the field or gym.  I kissed her on the nose before her grandmother brought her into the playroom and ran off to catch the first game.

I found a seat with the moms I had met during football season and noticed his father up top, I gave a wave and a smile before I sat down.  This is the finale of all sports for my son in high school.  He was accepted at the University of Alberta but wouldn't be able to play on their football team even after being promised a try out...coaches have been his nightmare for years.  He started school early and although he is academically ready, he still wants to play football so we have to re-evaluate his options.  I've been a busy bee lately and have secured him a scout across the country, my son along with his father have no idea that he has a four day spring camp in a couple of months and I imagine my ex-husband will be far less excited than my son and I.  His father is very traditional and our son is his only child and has lived with him since birth; he had just come to terms that our son would be moving a province over to live with me so I wasn't sure how he would react knowing he may move to Quebec and live on campus for three years at seventeen years old.  It hurt knowing that once again my son would likely not be living with me and I could have just shut my mouth and never found the scout and he would have been moving in after graduation, but I couldn't do it.  My son has poured his heart and soul into that game and deserved to know if he was still in a position to move forward and play at the next level, I owed it to him to help him find out.  We have always connected over football and he has expressed his desire to keep going...so...we keep going.

I stood up and cheered as our team entered the court, there's a sadness when you can actually see a phase of your child's life come to an end...but there is also the pride of knowing that they made it through successfully.  I'll never get tired of watching him take the field and I hope he gets to do it for as long as he enjoys it.  It's tip off to the tournament, the tears can wait...

My New Routine III

My days seem so much busier now, possibly because she is older and there isn't a lot of down time.  I had our things packed the night before and just had to throw everything into the car this morning after breakfast.  Hoopla is about five hours away which means two pit stops and a lot of "e.i.ei.o"along the way.  I sent Dan in to wake her up, I didn't want her pissed off at me if I was going to spend the entire day in the car with her.

I started loading up the car and watched parents put their kids on school buses while carrying another and still another in a stroller and it made me feel a little anxious at the thought of that being my life.  I have two and they are almost fifteen years apart, I wonder if those with more than one small child at home even get a chance to have free time.  My daughter runs me around the clock and if there was even one more around her age I may never even have the opportunity to read a book let alone have a life in another country.  Dan walked out holding her and could see me paralyzed staring into suburbia like it was a foreign place.  Neither of us liked living out of the city and always promised that we would be penthouse owners when we no longer had dogs or a child that needed a back yard.  He walked over and put his arm around me knowing that at one point this scene would have made me feel inadequate as a wife and mother but now it just makes me feel slightly confined for having to live out here.  I could feel him squeeze my shoulder, "this makes me want to drink in the mornings".  I let out a soft laugh, more of relief that no matter the distance we have travelled emotionally we are still on the same page in our marriage and lives.  "Have one for me too".  He buckled her into her seat before he picked me up and spun me around, "See you in a few days and drive safe".