Another Year Gone VII

I was packing my things again and it should be easy at this point but I continued to struggle to pick clothes so I pack it all.  It's been almost a full year since I started going to NY on a regular basis and each trip is so different that its become a new adventure each time I step off of the plane.  This time I would be dog sitting in Jersey again but would be spending my days in the Village writing, editing and rewriting until we came up with an idea for my book.  I liked my coach, I trusted her and believed her words and not just because I so desperately wanted to be a legitimate writer but because she brings out in me what I have failed to bring out in myself.  It's difficult not to reflect over your life, and in my case the last several months of throwing my life in the air and only catching what I actually want and value.  I have no care of the 'friends' that have left or the ones that are too afraid to unfriend me on social media but have clearly stopped following my life, I don't care about outside opinions regarding my life or if time will reveal regrets...I just love my new life.  I feel silly that I used to feel embarrassed about it and scared to share but once I released myself from the prison of others I just really liked who I was becoming.  Sometimes people don't like when the veil is lifted, the change becomes startling and they wonder what is 'wrong' with me...nothing is wrong anymore...

Another Year Gone VI

Training for the marathon is awful and I'm not sure when it's supposed to get better.  I suppose it would have been better had I kept a running and weights schedule rather than just running whenever I wanted....I could feel the anxiety of being unprepared creep up. I finally reached out to the first person that I trained with because he lives close to me, runs ultra marathons and I got fast quick with him.  I found it easiest to run on the treadmill, probably because I didn't actually have to head out into the dreadful heat and in NY the humidity was so awful I wouldn't even dare to break into a sprint...barely even a light jog.  I looked at the clothes I had laid out on my bed and the shoes just below on the floor...I don't understand why motivation is lacking in me for so many departments in my life...but my major hill to climb with it is in fitness.  I swear if I spent as much time training as I do bitching and crying about the training then I'd be a super athlete.  I just keep hoping that one day I will be addicted to fitness...rather than beer, pizza and chocolate.  Ugh, I stepped on the treadmill for my warmup and have thirteen miles to complete...

Another Year Gone V

I laid on my kitchen floor, eighteen kilometres felt like 100...well I'd assume, considering that was my longest run ever.  My body was completely exhausted and I barely had enough energy to think; I wished we had a shower on the main floor of our house and then attempted to will it into existence.  I finally turned off my iPod but only because I could feel my phone vibrating.  It was my writing coach with class dates, that was more than enough to add some pep into my tired step.  I crawled to the kitchen table an opened my computer, it was time to start booking flights and making an actual calendar for the family.  My schedule would be monthly Thursday to Thursday and I would need someone to help me with my daughter while I was away...my mother, always my mother.  She doesn't care that it is an eight hour drive each way or that she is away from home for over a week or that she is here when I am not...she only cares that she gets that time with her granddaughter and at this point I wouldn't even entertain giving that time to anyone else.  She confirmed in a matter of minutes for the next six months...I'm so happy and grateful my children have her and will always remember their time with her.

Another Year Gone IV

I woke extra early hoping for that high energy morning person to pop outta me and get me back on the trails and training for the marathon.  I got dressed and washed my face then followed the dogs out of the room to the kitchen.  I let the dogs out and filled their bowls while I grabbed some fruit and water...I wanted bacon and eggs with coffee...hopefully Dan will share that vision and have it ready for my return.  I grabbed my iPod and walked out the front door after I watched the dogs lazily make their way back up to my bed.

It was so nice out, fresh and cool; I had no choice but to wake up.  I always start my run with a fast walk and silently pray that I have the legs to run today.  Some days I can run forever and other days I struggle to make it to the end of the block.  I was clearly on a life high or drunk when I decided to sign up for this run and then tell my world.  I put my ear buds in, turned up the music, did my final stretches and turned left into the trails...

Another Year Gone III

I closed the door almost six hours later after the last guest left.  Dan and our princess were running a bath for her and I was on clean up duty.  The place looked like Chuck E Cheese after a Saturday of multiple birthdays.  I flopped down on the couch to survey the area and exhaustion was setting in.  I remember her first birthday, she took four steps that day, they were her first and she hasn't stopped since that day.  I started moving her toys into the toy box and shuffling things around so it gave the impression that it was organized not that it really mattered as the day was coming to an end.  It's hard to believe that three years had already passed us by and our baby girl is now a little girl.  Every single day she makes life this incredible adventure with her giggles, imagination, questions and dare devil personality.  Walking through the phases of life beside her and watching her conquer all of her firsts has been the most incredible experience and I still hold on to all of my sons firsts and thank the universe that it put me where I needed to be for both of my children.  I can hear her singing in the bathtub and giggling when Dan jumps in to sing along.  She starts pre school in a few weeks and I just want to hit the pause button...

Another Year Gone II

The scene was set with food, drinks, bouncy castle and of course the cake.  She came around the corner in her dress for the traditional birthday picture with her daddy, she wore the princess gown and stands on a chair to wrap her arm around him.  These two make me catch my breath from the overwhelming cuteness they provide me with.  I was feeling a little anxious at the thought of people pouring through my door but I only have a few celebrations a year so I have learned to turn this anxiety into excitement.  I always thought I was out going and social but sometimes I wonder if that was just a mask.  I snapped three pictures and showed her for approval and I can't help but laugh when her curls bounce from her giggling.  She leaned in to hug Dan and I at the same time and I start to feel a little part is missing and it's him...I miss my son terribly.  I choked back tears and became easily distracted when the doorbell rang...it's show time...

Another Year Gone

I woke early but didn't have any motivation to get out of bed, I laid there, paralyzed in thought.  I had no idea what the actual time was nor did I care.  She was clearly still asleep and Dan had already left for work.  She would be three in a few days and had the honour of sharing her special day with her father.  I loved celebrating their birthdays together and I know that Dan loves sharing this day with his little girl.  I remember when I came out of the operating room and he was sitting in the hospital room holding her and he was in awe of this little creature who wouldn't take her huge eyes off of him.  He seen her and held her before I got a chance but the look on his face was the best gift I could have ever given him.  From that moment on he did everything for her and never complained, he became so in love with this little girl and was always amazed by her.  I ran through the list of what was needed in terms of food for the BBQ, cakes, cookies, snacks, loot bags, alcohol and hoped I could reserve a bouncy castle this close to the date...which happened to be a Saturday in the summer...ugh.  I must have been deep in thought because I never noticed her come into the room and finally snapped out of it when she threw her blanky on me and climbed up and into my arms.  "Mama can I have breakfast?"  I giggled and kissed her cheeks, "Yes my love".  I snuggled her a little longer until she started to break away from my mom grip...it seems like yesterday she couldn't even speak...

His New World VIII

I don't recall the safety demonstration or taxiing down the runway or even the rush when your speeding up during take off...I was stuck in a daze.  A sadness washed over me, one that was completely unfamiliar to me and wasn't coupled with anxiety, because it wasn't about the unknown...it was about acknowledging the time that has passed and knowing it never comes back around.

I didn't know, or maybe I never felt that watching my children grow would be full of so many moments of fears, happiness, pride, feelings of loss and then mourning their childhood.  Watching them grow and evolve through their lives and I suddenly felt a tinge of guilt for my mother because I don't ever remember sympathizing with her loss and mourning periods.

The sadness is different because there is nothing I can do to change the circumstances surrounding it...it's okay to feel sad about this and I am lucky to have so many amazing memories of his childhood that I can remember when I need to as I watch him become a man.  I laughed through my tears remembering his graduation from pre-school; he looked up at my mother and asked, "Do I have to get a job and get married now?"  It didn't seem that long ago...

His New World VII

I kissed my daughter and helped Karen take her through the security line, their flight left an hour before mine.  I turned around to find my son sucking back a drink and waving to his little sister...and for a moment it all felt like too much watching the time lapse of my children right before my eyes.  We stood and waved at them together until they turned the corner and it was a little too familiar of all the times I stood and watched him leave to fly back to his father.  I still remember the day the woman at the desk told me he was now too old to have a parent walk him to the gate and I could feel the blood rush from my face and feel weak and nauseous...because sometimes you don't even notice the time go by until someone points it out to you.  We sat and watched the people walk by and I listened to him plan out his future and the direction he had hoped it would take.  He reached over and held my hand knowing it was a happy sadness that was running through me...I just love him so much and could never thank him enough for the life he has given me...until him I was existing...this is life, this is living...

His New World VI

Old Montreal was beautiful and just as charming as you would hope and think it would be.  My daughter skipped down the street and was in awe of all the street performers and people.  We wandered in and out of little shops and bought some pastries to share while we enjoyed the evening.  I felt happy for my son and excited for him to venture around his new home.  It was as close to living abroad as one could get without actually leaving; he'd have to brush up on his French for when he was travelling with the team as some small towns in Quebec do not speak English.  I walked closer to him and locked my arm through his, I miss him already and haven't even left yet...

His New World V

Costco was always a nightmare and I'm not really sure why I expected it to be different here; it's actually more stressful when one has to try and stumble through their grade nine french to interact with the cashier.  We bought almost everything he needed for his dorm room including a small fridge and for some reason the four of us were standing at his Civic shocked that it wouldn't fit the four of us and all of his new stuff including a fridge.  I looked over at Karen who was holding hands with my daughter who appeared to be wearing a new sweater that resembled the one she had under her arm.  "Karen where did you get those sweaters?"  She looked at me sideways like I was the one who was crazy until I pointed to my daughter and pulled the one out from under her arm.  "I didn't even see you go through  cashier".  Well clearly there is a reason for that...because she didn't, and made my daughter an accomplice no less.  None of us could stop laughing at this point as we had things in a cart piled higher than the car and Karen was accidentally teaching my daughter to shoplift.  My son and I walked the fridge back into the store so they could hold it for us until we came back this evening to get it when it was only the two of us.  I think Karen was going to go back and pay for the sweaters but by the time they were finished packing the car and my daughter was in her car seat we had forgotten all about it and were on our way to Ikea...the second worst place on earth that day.  It didn't matter though.  I would have gone to a thousand stores and waited in line for hours just to have this opportunity with my son.  This was important to him and I wanted to make the experience one he would always remember and look back at over the years as a time we spent together; I felt sad that his father couldn't come along too so I took a lot of pictures so he would at least have the visual.  Karen and my daughter tested beds and couches as we pushed the cart around and filled it with everything he needed and a lot of stuff he probably didn't.

It took half a dozen trips to get everything in the house and we all flopped down on the couch hoping at some point the wind would blow through the windows.  We were discussing dinner arrangements in old Montreal when my daughter came around the corner carrying a dinosaur I had never seen before, I looked over at Karen, "You have got to be fucking kidding me".  Not one of us even noticed her walk out of Ikea with the stuffed toy...Karen was on probation for the rest of the trip...

His New World IV

We sat in the athletes building outside of the coaches office for about twenty minutes and I was starting to feel anxious and nauseous the longer we waited.  I have met all of his coaches but this time it was different, this time I was meeting the one that was confident in his quarterback skills...so much so that he asked him to play three years for the school.  He opened the door to invite us in and I grabbed my sons hand more for my comfort than his...he knew the drill already.  I introduced myself and nervously took a seat across the desk from him while he explained in great detail what my son and I could expect in terms of training, playing and academics.  This is quite the jump from the facilities and trainers in his high school; he has a state of the art training facility complete with professional trainers and doctors along with a physiotherapy program.  I felt excited for my son to be able to experience his passion at this level and became more relaxed when the coach reassured me that he would personally look over my son to ensure he was okay each and every day.  Between the coach and the dorm mother I was starting to feel much better about getting on a plane in two days and leaving him in Montreal...alone...

His New World III

I laid in bed with my daughter reflecting over the days events and wishing the fans we bought would somehow blow cold air.  After paying for ten months of accommodations at the dorm the house mother was nice enough to let us see his room so we could make a list of what was needed.  The rooms look exactly how you see on TV, concrete walls, tiny, a fridge smaller than a standard beer fridge, a hot plate and a bathroom so small you had to stand in the shower to close the door.  We didn't care though because it was all about the experience and everything that comes along with it.  Together we walked around and made a list of everything he would need to be comfortable in his new home.  He needed everything from curtains to a larger fridge so he wouldn't need to grocery shop every other day...besides he wouldn't have time with his football schedule.  We walked around the campus for an hour or so and slowly my anxiety was put in its place and replaced with excitement for my son.  He's not even eighteen years old yet but he was ready for the this and it showed every single day.  I rolled over to check the clock...we have an early morning appointment with the coach and I couldn't wait to meet the man who gave him this opportunity.