The Writer XXIV

I woke early and packed my things, I have to head to the airport in half an hour and I don't have time to get a coffee.  I jumped out of the shower to several messages from WestJet...cancelled.  Shit!  I called down to the front desk to keep my room but the hotel is booked. I flipped open my computer and started shopping for a room for the night and although I love the city it can be quite expensive and I cringe while I pull out my credit card.

The door man grabbed me a cab out front to take me and my oversized luggage eleven blocks to my new hotel.  The Belvedre seems dated but they have the largest and cleanest rooms I have witness in the Times Square area except of course for the time I scored the suite with Carl.  I pushed my luggage over and grabbed a raincoat...no point in sitting in doors all day.

The Writer XXIII

I found him sitting at the bar drinking a glass of red wine with ice so I climbed on the bar stool next to him and ordered a Heineken.  He's checking his fantasy baseball team and hasn't noticed me yet.  I leaned over and took his phone out of his hand to capture his attention and laughed just before he snapped.  He hugged me then handed me a menu...dear god i don't think I can eat.  I pretended to look through it but lost interest in food when we started to discuss our fantasy sports teams.  He's hilarious and I find his feisty attitude entertaining which only makes me want to bring it out even more.  We ordered another round of drinks and I am completely engaged in the date and make a mental note to keep in touch with him.  Clarence is a little older than the age range I typically date but it doesn't bother me in the least.  We laughed about our dating experiences and discussed our favourite football teams and vacation spots.

He paid the bill and I walked him to his car so he could head back to Jersey.  I don't think Clarence is someone that I would be intimate with but he is definitely someone I want to be my friend and I hope I see him when I come back and often.

I walked across the street to my hotel and turned left to head down to Columbus Circle.  I just wanted to walk around before I head out tomorrow morning.  It seems surreal that I was here writing with a mag in Soho...life is so funny once you learn how to work it...

The Writer XXII

I finally popped out on Fifth Ave and found the train to Queens.  I have wanted to tour Astoria for months and only did a brief drive thru with Davis a long time ago.  I found my stop and it was pouring rain by the time I found June's Beattle.

We drove through the neighborhoods and found a great Japanese restaurant where we decided to sit under an umbrella on the street.  June is incredible; his work is like nothing I have ever experienced and I am constantly in awe.  His art is haunting and dark and his life like doll Ava is extraordinary.  I have so many questions about her; she is a life like sex doll he ordered for his final project for school. He paid like ten thousand dollars and all I can think about is how one would clean the doll out after sex.  I thought about asking but then settled for asking if he actually has sex with her...he does not but his photo shoot for eternal happiness definitely makes me wonder.  He told me about how he used to be engaged and after she left him he decided that his project would be a story about capturing a happiness that could never be taken away and it's the only time I can ever remember thinking how romantic and creepy all at the same time.  He is so talented, sweet and amazing and I love learning about him.  June is like no one I have ever met and I really hope that this is not the last time I will see him.  I teased him that he should shoot the cover for my book and once he agrees I made him shake on it...his work is so good I believe he would be able to capture my beautiful crazy spirit with a lens.  
We paid the bill and I waited for him to grab the car.  He's going to drive me back to my hotel and I'm a little sad I have other plans and can't stay longer.

I hugged my new friend before I got out of the car and we promised to stay in touch and get together when we are both in the city.  I stood under the awning of my hotel and read my message from Clarence...he's waiting for me in the bar attached to my hotel...what are the odds?


www.junekorea.com

The Writer XXI

Gerry and Angela left this morning but I don't fly out until tomorrow.  I woke early, grabbed a coffee in the shop on my way out the door and made my way to Central Park.  I have a a lunch appointment in Astoria with a photographer we are trying to get to be a part of the magazine and then I have dinner plans with a firefighter from Jersey...I'm hoping a masturbating fireman is something you only experience once in a lifetime.

Central Park West just might be my favourite street on the planet.  I crossed the street and stepped into the park.  It is so humid out my t-shirt is sticking to me already and I have no idea how these people run like they do without passing out.  I already know I will not be able to train for my marathon here and realize if it was any sooner in the year I would likely be a casualty of dropping out or just dropping on the side of the road.  I made my way to Strawberry Fields and listened to a haunting version of 'Imagine' while I walked around the memorial and made a mental note to bring Dan.  The best part is getting lost in the park and trying my hardest not to find my way out.

The Writer XX

He looks exactly like his pictures and maybe it's my own fault for thinking he would be taller than he actually was.  We ordered drinks and dinner and I settled in to learn all about this small town boy who grew up to become a biophysicist with two Phd's; sweet jesus I barely got through my undergrad.  Clearly he's intelligent and if it's not obvious he will let you know and the more he talks the more he reveals and his arrogance has no filter.  We talked about his work and research and it's quite interesting but also sounds brutally monotonous.  His weakness is his intelligence, he protects it and flaunts it all at the same time...I'm going to have fun.  When I asked about his research team he did his best not to stand on the chair and yell to the world that he was the smartest one on the team other than the lead scientist.  I wondered what type of women he dated, so I asked.  The only real information I received was that he prefers to not date woman who are smarter than he is, in fact he outright states that he won't even be friends with someone he believed may be more intelligent than him.  I was picking through my salad while he was verbally blowing himself when I looked up and asked, "do you think you're the smartest person on this date?"  I mean I know in terms of academics we are not even close to being in the same boat but I'm going to make him say it right to my face.  He put his head down and I watched him closely because either he has to become humble fast or he has to tell me that the main reason we are having dinner is because I am not his intellectual equal...and I'm all ears waiting for him to decide the path he's about to take.  He looks at me and smiles and I throw back my best smart ass smile with a raised eyebrow, he pleads the fifth and I let him off the hook for now.  I moved on and asked about his ink since it appears to have a religious theme which seems odd since I think science and religion don't go hand in hand, but I could be wrong.  Turns out he is a catholic scientist and I may not be the smartest person at the table but he must realize how much those two words do not belong together in the same sentence.  He explains that he is smart enough to know that we know very little about our universe and that the possibility of a 'God' exists so he is 'playing the numbers' so that if there is a heaven he will get in.  My fork bounced off of my plate and onto the floor which is exactly where my jaw ended up.  I attempted to discuss how being kind to others should be an end in itself and not a means to an end but he was having none of it, all of his actions are based on the afterlife and it is the only reason he does good deeds.  He pulled out his wallet and took out two small pictures of children that he sponsors from Central America; I can only assume he keeps them close to him incase someone questions his so called 'good deeds'.  

We paid the bill and walked out into the streets that were filled with people and music, I love this city.  We walked over to Central Park and chatted for a bit.  It was late by the time he walked me back to my hotel and it was time to end this before I pushed him into oncoming traffic.  

The Writer XVIIII

The bridge has some of the best views of the city and you can almost look past the ridiculous amount of people trying to do the same thing as yourself.  It reminds me of the time Dan and I were in San Francisco riding a tandem bike over the Golden Gate Bridge, the people make it easy to lose the beauty and serenity of it all.  I had an amazing time with Gerry and Angela; they feed this spot in my confidence and are constantly encouraging me to write...write every single day and write because I have to and not because others want me to.  I was exhausted by the time I got back to the hotel and only had time to rinse in the shower and change into something presentable for dinner.

I found a seat by the window and waited for my date, I always like to arrive first so they can play Where's Waldo cause it's too nerve racking for me.  He should be pretty easy to spot though, a ginger with several piercings and tattoos.

The Writer XVIII

I finally settled into my new hotel and it was beautiful with the best location; right across the street from the Lincoln Centre and a few blocks from Central Park and Columbus Circle.  My date last night lasted less than an hour, once I discovered he was married I immediately left the restaurant.  I won't date a married man, at least not one that is cheating and lying.  I have found several people in open relationships and I'm cool with that but I worked hard to be honest so I refuse to be a secret because someone else doesn't want to 'hurt' their spouse.  I'm always amazed by the arrogance and entitlement when I hear someone defend their reasons for lying and I have no interest in being a part of that mess.

I moved my toiletries into the washroom and hung some clothes in the closet.  I'm meeting Angela and Gerry by the Brooklyn Bridge; they've never walked over it.  I grabbed my phone and purse...it's going to take me at least an hour to get to the bridge and I literally just left that area.

The Writer XVII

Four hours after sitting down and three Americano's later it almost felt good to step back into Manhattan's humidity...almost.  I hugged my friends and turned right when they made a left.  I'm moving to the Upper West Side tomorrow morning so I decided to head back to my room to pack and organize my things before I took the nap I had been planning since I first woke up this morning.  I prefer midtown or the UWS because it's vibrant and safe for a single female at all hours of the day.   I have a date tomorrow night with a bio-physicist and I can't help but think of Sheldon and Penny and I feel this may be a good representation of the two of them on a date.  He seems nice enough but his arrogance is felt over text and is not lost on me, I try to give a little room for it since he is highly educated and perhaps is just socially stupid.  I'm not intimidated at all, we all bring something new to the table and I am a sucker for a beautiful mind.  

I finished collecting my things and had it all arranged nicely in my suitcase ready to move tomorrow. I flopped down on my bed and slowly dozed off while trying to remember the details of my dinner date this evening.

The Writer XVI

I pulled up a chair and squeezed between Angela and a hipster who looked to be trying a touch too hard.  I threw him a fake smile in response to his then dove into the conversation already underway.  I was meant to do this, to be a part of a creative writing group and it's natural and fluid for me.  I opened my mac and started my blog, it warmed up my writing skills and I loved telling my story and reliving it from the outside looking in.  I remember that girl and I am proud of her, I'm just glad she is a fond memory that I can recall and no longer a representation of the woman I am today.  I smiled at the screen and published my work for another day.

I could feel Angela leaning over my shoulder and reading my blog and just her presence makes me happy.  She hugged me and took my coffee order; it was going to be a long day...a long fabulous day in SOHO writing for a magazine.  Carl texted me from the train and I made a mental note to surprise him in Philly soon.  Now...what exactly do I savour most in my life?

The Writer XV

Standing in front of Penn Station had become our familiar good bye and today was a little more difficult.  We stood in the shade and prolonged his stay while we smoked and become blinded by the sun.  Carl is the first real friend I have made here and he has become a favourite friend regardless of which city I am in.  He picked up his things and all I could do was smile and hug him.

I watched him walk down the stairs and out of sight before I turned downtown and made my way into SOHO to meet the crew.  The world was moving by me quickly but I just couldn't help but watch it in slow motion. I am grateful I can be here and experience the life here without becoming desensitized...I hope I never become blind to the lights and beauty of the city and that the magic never gets old.  I found the Starbucks and my group at a table...let the writing begin...

The Writer XIV

Tapas, cocktails and the Lower East Side...life is good.  We spent some of the evening people watching, some if it reminiscing and the rest catching up.  I know this is our last visit for a while because he has classes and his work is always busiest in the warmer months; my heart sinks at the thought of not seeing my friend again for months.  He is only here on a work/student visa and I am already dreading his return to England.  I always hope he falls in love and makes this side of the pond his home.  He knows I would go and visit him but it wouldn't be every month and I can see the stress in his face whenever we discuss if he will go home or stay.  He's not the same person he was when he got here and I don't think he has any interest in reliving his past.  He's an exceptional man and I just have to believe that the right woman will come along and steal his heart.

He paid for dinner and we locked arms as soon as we hit the sidewalk.  I'm doing my best to drink in as much of him as possible without getting distracted by the loudness of the streets.  We cut across the street and peeked into some pubs and bars but we were both tired and not interested in staying out so we weaved through streets making our way back to the hotel while smoking cigarettes.  I already miss him...

The Writer XIII

I was exhausted by the end of the afternoon and flopped down on my bed.  I have a writing session tomorrow at 3pm in Soho and until then I am free.  I rolled over and checked my phone, not a word from the firefighter, thank goodness, and I turned it to silent so I could nap for a while.

It felt like I just closed my eyes when I heard someone banging on my door and I have no concept of time.  I could barely walk in a straight line or keep my eyes open, the heat drains me quickly here.  I looked through the peep hole and lit up, I almost forgot Carl was my dinner date this evening.  I tore the door open, I was so excited to see him.  He picked me up to hug me, I've missed him. I put his luggage on his bed and opened the wine while he made reservations for dinner in the Lower East Side.  Carl has become a great friend to me and I love spending my NY time with him as much as possible.  He only has one night this visit so we're going to make it count.

The Writer XII

I spotted Gerry and Angela right away and it almost made me cry when she hugged me.  Angela has been this light that shines over me and nurtures my passions and she does it effortlessly without any judgement or question. She makes me laugh and is an old soul, she radiates what I hope to one day.

We grabbed some salads and smoothies and sat by the water.  These two are a force, a positive one, and I have to believe that the universe just sets up opportunities and it's up to us to not only see them but embrace them.

We set up times and places to write, themes and picture opportunities.  We booked dinners, tours and interviews and as we sat by the river looking over at New Jersey I realized I was living my exact life...everything faded to silence and just for a moment I stayed in that place.  I was quickly brought back by Angela's laughter; we grabbed our things and walked to the pier to look at Lady Liberty and the Freedom Tower...this is my kinda site seeing...from a distance without line ups...

The Writer XI

It was far too hot outside to sit for long and he was pretty hungover from the night before so we cut it a bit short; I hated the feeling of everything sticking to me.  We threw our garbage out and walked back to his car that was a few blocks away.

He jumped in first and turned the air conditioning on so I wouldn't melt into his leather seats but even the cool air could barely take away the sun beating in through the windows.  We pulling into heavy lunch hour traffic in Harold Square and for a brief minute I thought I had heat stroke when he undid his pants and proceeded to masturbate not only in front of me but in front of all of the people walking by the car in every direction.  I was frozen in disbelief, like a bad joke or lucid dream.  I started to panic and became almost animated when I attempted to talk him back into his pants.  He looked over at me, "no one even looks through the windows".  I burst out laughing because that is hardly the point and I don't have a clue on how to handle this and I can't jump out because my lap top is in the back seat which means leaning over him to get it...and I am not going to lean over him.  We hit free flow traffic and I was completely beside myself with anger, and maybe one day I would look back and laugh but that was not today.  We pulled up to my stop and I jumped out and opened the back door to get my computer...wtf just happened?  I didn't even thank him for lunch or the ride, I just turned towards the water on 12th and kept walking...

The Writer X

I only caught a few hours of sleep I had a lunch date in Harold Square in just over an hour and I wanted to wash the New York film off before I stepped right back into it. I had been chatting with my date for a few days and he is the stereo typical Irish/Brooklyn firefighter and the character alone makes me want to spend some time with him.  I decided that I wanted a quick lunch date before I gave him any evenings from my trip and I was excited he offered to pick me up so I didn't have to walk in the humidity.  I threw on a skirt and tank top, grabbed my lap top and headed for the lobby.  He offered to bring me to the mag crew after lunch so I was prepared to be gone for the day.

He looked nothing like his pictures, he was much better in person and that almost never happens.  He has the Brooklyn accent tied in with an Irish one.  He's handsome but rough around the edges and it makes me smile.  We grabbed some fruit in a market and made our way to the park to sit and chat...I can listen to his accent all day...

The Writer VIIII

Walking down Canal Street at 4am may not have been the best idea but it didn't feel too bad, other than looking creepy and witnessing poverty at its saddest.  It reminds me of the time Dan and I were in Chicago and I can clearly remember the day I started caring about the homeless population on a large scale and not just in my city.  We were walking under a bridge and there were a few people sleeping under a blanket and I could see a little set of feet peeking out.  My heart immediately clenched and my eyes filled with tears, not just for the child but the entire family that was fighting to stay together at all costs and I wonder how they fell through the system.  Canal Street was similar but different, to this day, years later, I still look for little feet...I never want to be desensitized and I always want to buy them dinner.

The coolness of my room was shocking and wonderful.  I brushed my teeth, washed my face and fell asleep to traffic...

The Writer VIII

I woke an hour later and jumped into the shower, I still felt my clothes cling to me from the humidity.  The view was amazing, to the left was the Williamsburg Bridge and to the right was the Freedom Tower and they would be nicely lit up in a couple of hours.  I threw on some light clothes and sandals and knew it would be a mistake because flip flops always kill my feet after a mile or two and I tend to walk ten to fifteen a day here.  I had a message that dinner was cancelled so I took the subway to Grand Central and walked over to Times Square for a drink and salad...I was guilty of still loving the tourist traps.  Shawn was meeting me at Columbus Circle in a few hours and I was pretty excited to meet him, he has been a photographer for National Geographic for over a decade and I imagine he has some incredible stories.  I found a seat at my favourite pub and my Wifi was already locked on...it makes me smile...

The Writer VII

The flight was uneventful which was perfect, I grabbed my luggage and made my way to the bus.  It was still humid and hot at 7pm and the bus ride into Grand Central was starting to make me nauseous.  I found myself sitting beside a Canadian author who was in town for a convention and slowly learned that most were either publishers, authors or agents and I can hardly believe my luck.  The universe must set up opportunities and see if you take the bait.  It wasn't long ago that I was sitting beside Angela on a flight and she has a magazine and encouraged me to write and now I write some articles for her...perhaps this is another one of those doors opening.  A few of us in a circle of seats were talking about our work and slowly my story came out and the reactions were exactly what I had hoped for...they wanted to read and I wanted them to read.  By the time I reached the station we had all exchanged numbers and email addresses, it doesn't matter if anything comes out of it because right now the ride is amazing.

I grabbed the first cab I seen as soon as I stepped off the bus and went straight down Lexington to Canal St.  I had never stayed this far down the island but I wanted to be close enough to everyone else to see them regularly but far enough away that I won't run into them unless it's intentional.

I crawled into my cold bed and napped off the car and heat sickness I had been feeling for the last hour.  I have a few hours until dinner then I was meeting a friend in Columbus Circle.  I set my alarm and drift off to the sounds of the city...

The Writer VI

I can never seem to get much sleep before my flights, especially the early mooring ones.  I was packed and more excited this time around which I contributed to the magazine.  I stood in her doorway and smiled at the way she surrounded herself with a handful of stuffed animals and I wondered if it made her feel safe or if she just liked the company.  I walked over to kiss her little fingers and brush back the curls in her face; she is my wild beauty.  I can hardly wait until she is able to come along with me so I can show her the world through my eyes.  It's not always about leaving to date, mostly it's about having something just for myself.  Over the past several months I have settled the fears within me and no longer feel stifled by stability, Dan has killed that anxiety by always keeping the door open.

I seen Karen's headlights flash in the driveway and it was time to go again.  I picked up my bag and locked the door behind me, tonight I would be dining with the crew and tomorrow night I would be touring the lower east side with Carl...I have a New York life.  Three hours until wheels up...

The Writer V

Sometimes being passionate and emotional is about all I can take and other times I'm grateful for it because it allows me to just sit and type effortlessly.  My voice has become stronger and now I don't wake with anxieties that I won't be captivating, it doesn't really matter because I write for me...everyone else is welcome to follow along but it's not necessary.  Sometimes I finish before she even gets out of bed.  Writing fills a void in me like nothing else or no one else ever could.  I wonder if I was feeling the groundhog day cycle because my life actually was passing me by each day that I wasn't nurturing my desire to write.  Maybe I didn't need to open my marriage for excitement or purpose, perhaps just following through with your dreams is all it takes to fill the emptiness inside...I was what was missing from my life.  I imagine this is why addictions take such a strong hold, they allow us to forget or at least be okay with not living the way we want.  I am completely aware of my own escapes and distractions, even though I feel that I don't need others to feel whole, I really do enjoy all aspects of online dating to assist in my New York life...so...I finish my blog and rebuild my profile, not long until I'm back in the city.

The Writer IV

After this weeks session with Laura I felt strong again, sometimes reassurance that the storm has passed is the only thing I need to move forward.  I woke to a handful of emails from the magazine with travel plans, hotels, restaurants, events and a writing schedule.  It's almost surreal that I will be writing for a mag next week in New York City.  I've always dreamed of being a writer in NY and soon I will be.  I booked my hotel and extended my flights for a few extra days, I wanted to spend a couple of days alone...or with new friends.


I could hear her moving around upstairs so I grabbed a few of her favorite toys and set them up to watch us make pancakes.  She thinks I'm hilarious and I always try and give her as much freedom as possible to watch her grow.  She came into the kitchen in her princess pajamas, holding her blanket and a mess of curls. I handed her her apron and the wisk...I wish my son was here. 

The Writer III

I don't know how long I had been sitting in my car after the appointment, sometimes I lose time and everything comes rushing back into sight and brings me back to reality.  I read over the emails again and then deleted them.  There was no reason to respond, I said what I needed to and got what I wanted so there's no need to look back.  Laura said it's very normal for memories to be able to have the same strong emotional response and that over time I will become desensitized to it; perhaps living it, then writing about it will be enough to just forget about it.  It's not so bad I just want to make sure I address it sooner rather than later.  I took a deep breath and felt much better, like being restored to my natural balance.  I started my car and pulled out into rush hour traffic...looks like I'll have some extra time to myself.

The Writer II

I was sitting in her waiting room hating that I had to come back and knowing at the same time it would be helpful.  Since I started writing I have found myself in some of the same emotional struggles as when I was going through it all and I needed Laura to help me once again shine the light.   I started to feel the insecurities and fears like ghost emotions but with the real feel of them and I wanted to avoid the anxiety attacks and depressed state.  I attempted to pat myself on the back for seeing the signs and addressing them immediately but it's difficult to do when you are stuck in a cycle of self doubt.  I know this is not real and I am through the other side but I am never amazed by how my thoughts and feelings can pull me right back into the trauma.

I put my head down and tried to get lost in my game of Candy Crush but emails kept popping up and I knew the address...John.  A few days ago when I was either feeling sorry for myself or hating him I sent him the link to my blog.  I wanted him to know what our interactions looked like to me and I must have been fairly angry because I never even stopped to think about what that would mean for him and Mike.  Normally I would have deleted any correspondence from him, but not today.  Today I was sitting in Laura's office asking for help, so there may never be a better time to confront this.  I read three emails from him all pretty much saying the same thing.  Sometimes he shows signs of being a person without the switch and realizes that he cannot move in and out of lives without affect. His apologies were not disregarded in the least.  I believe he is sorry.  Maybe I shouldn't have given him the satisfaction of reading about my time with him and giving him a glimpse of himself through my eyes...but then again, maybe it wasn't for him.

I looked up and seen Laura coming down the hall...the clock starts now...

The Writer

Morning blogging was now a routine for me and I loved it.  My daughter would sit at the table with me and share her stories of what she was going to do for the day, the things she wanted to see and games she wanted to play.  I sit back completely captivated by her energy and happiness.  She is a power house of a personality and never fails to pull me into her imagination and world.  We lay out her play doh project and put on some music, she has her milk and I have my coffee.

I didn't always know what writing would mean to me, I always knew I was passionate and emotional with a desire to write but do I have to be 'good'?  When I decided to write about my journey I knew I could only do it if I started once I had come through the other side, otherwise it would be a mess of unfinished thoughts and unclear ideas.  Writing from memory has not been the challenge I had thought it would be and I guess you remember certain people and how they made you feel or impacted your life during that time.  If I miss something then I am inclined to believe that it didn't mean enough to remember.  I was not ready to relive the emotional roller coaster and find myself flooding my keyboard most mornings thinking back and feeling very much like I did when I was in my anxieties and fears.  My thoughts can trigger the darkness, but only as a memory and no longer a reality and that puts a smirk on face.

I looked over my screen and watched her unapologetically feed the dogs her snack mixed with play doh and I wonder how she will feel when she reads it...I hope she looks at me then, the same way she does now...

Baby Steps XXI

I was hardly refreshed after the flight, perhaps it was the lady next to me feeding her two year old soda to keep her entertained.  But, I was so excited to see my little lady I perked up quickly.  I have three and a half weeks until I'm in NY with the magazine and I'm looking forward to spending some time at home.  I texted the group to let them know I arrived safely.  I wondered if I would ever see them again knowing that it is highly unlikely.  Sometimes people enter your life for a short interaction and serve a purpose that you couldn't find anywhere else.  I realize now that Dan and I are not extreme in our lifestyles and like anything else it sits on a spectrum that holds no real purpose or significance.  I feel good and whole.  I threw my suitcase in the trunk and jumped in the back seat beside my daughter...she still plays shy sometimes and it makes me smile.

Baby Steps XX

I arrived home just in time to feed and walk the dogs, shower and pack my things.  I threw my things in the car and checked in for my flight to make sure everything was still on time.  The streets were starting to gather people and I was grateful for the little traffic that was accompanying me to the airport.  I wouldn't see Trevor this time, our flights would be passing in the air and he would arrive about a few hours after I parked.

I sat in the car, too tired to hurry.  What an amazing week, last time I was in Ottawa it was horrific.  I grabbed my luggage, straightened my scarf and made my way into the airport...six hours until I get home and I plan to sleep the entire way.

Baby Steps XVIIII

Board games...it was a gathering of friends to play board games.  The envelopes decided teams, I felt relieved and embarrassed all at the same time.  I opened the closet and hung up my jacket, I was really excited to be a part of this.  Everyone was wondering around and talking and having fun and a few drinks, and it was completely relaxed and I slid in effortlessly...I really like my new friends.  I missed Dan but knew if he was here that we would slowly gravitate to each other and the rest of the people would fade away, we have always been guilty of that and wondered if anyone else had ever noticed.  I don't think Dan and I would ever be the 'swingers' couple but I do know that I really enjoy the culture and people I have met in the lifestyle thus far.  I'm developing an appreciating for every walk of life and my goal is to just concentrate on my own life and be happy in it and not find ways to stress about how others live...I won't try to fit into an idea I don't share but I can still respect the idea.  I am seriously amazed at how many people live the way I want, Dan and I are hardly breaking new ground...it's amazing what you find when you open up and just let the world in...without expectations.  

I grabbed my beer and found my team for a game of bilingual Pictionary.  I took French everyday from kindergarten to grade nine and the only thing I can recall is how to ask to go to the washroom...and I don't feel like it will all come flooding back to me the more I drink.

Baby Steps XVIII

I took the dogs out one last time, checked my gloss, pulled on my boots and grabbed a scarf on my way out the door.  I decided to take a cab this evening so I could drink.  Initially I felt highly uncomfortable with these people and I realized it was me...not them.  I was uncomfortable with my own ideas of what they do and not even sure if I was even close to correct...not that it would matter.  They don't sit around discussing sex and preferences, they just hang out and have fun and their sex lives are never a topic...no more than mine is among my friends friends.  The idea made me uncomfortable...so I threw it out.  If I am not going to ask questions then there is no reason to dream up scenarios that may or may not be true, it only creates problems and stops me from enjoying who they are.  These people are great, they are funny, intelligent, open minded, well travelled and just nice.

I finally got to the house in Gatineau and it was stunning.  I was met with a beer and a small sealed envelope.  OMG what if this is the new age 'fish bowl'?  I walked into the living room to say hello to my new friends and meet some of their friends.  I was the last to arrive so we could finally open our envelopes...I was sweating and nauseous.  The beautiful blonde came and sat beside me on the couch, "I hope you're on my team".  And my only thought was...I don't think I shaved my legs...

Baby Steps XVII

I stared at my phone hoping it was somehow an old text but knowing that was not the case.  I thought about texting Mike and then decided against it.  It's been a long time since I spoke with him and didn't feel it appropriate to use our friendship as a way to gather information, besides he would know.  I typed several things to John and couldn't send it, afraid of what would happen if I did.  I wasn't prepared for this and definitely not prepared to ever talk with him again let alone see him.  I thought of strategies, lies and stories I could use and in the end...I'm not really interested anymore.  Maybe I'll see him in an airport during a layover and maybe I won't and I can't control that...but lunch will not happen.  I like my odds...I deleted him again and climbed back into bed, it's my last night in Ottawa and I'm going to go out with the group date.

Baby Steps XVI

I woke up on the couch, still surrounded by dogs.  It was close enough to 5am so I fed them and leashed them up to head out for a few minutes.  I'm still amazed at how vacant the city looks at this time of day, I cut Murk loose and let him wonder while Roxy looked up at me begging to get back to bed.  Dogs are funny, they just love and play, like children...it's natural and intoxicating.

I crawled into bed with my clothes still on and waited for the dogs to crawl in and secure me under the covers while they slowly stole my pillows and space.  I checked my phone...five messages from John.  Ugh, wtf is up with this guy?  Every now and then I think he has kicked rocks and then circles back around to test my boundaries and patience.  "Hey Irish I'm passing through your city tomorrow and heading to Ottawa, want to meet for lunch?"  I bolted out of bed, poor Roxy was startled but didn't take much for her to move right into my spot.  I don't want to talk to him but at the same time I really want to know his schedule.  Will he be here at the same time?  Will we meet while passing through airports?  Is Mike coming too?  Ugh, I almost forgot about that phase of my life...I hate ripping off band aids...

Baby Steps XV

Two more days to go and I would be back at home for a few weeks before heading back to New York with the magazine to work on our winter issue.  Writing became my favorite form of therapy although I was not ready to get rid of Laura just yet.  I found something in myself that I packaged up and hid away for a very long time.  Writing is this beautiful outlet that lets me open up and free my fear, it has opened my mind and stolen my anger and anxiety.  I used to be afraid to write because then people would see through the window of my words and then the more I would write the less I cared and the more I wanted to write.  I shouldn't need anyone or anything to validate me, but being a part of the magazine and creating with these people makes me feel strong and confident...not because of what they think...but because I am comfortable with myself.


I sat on the couch with a dog on each side knowing I could easily find a date for the night but not really interested in moving.  The group date texted me a few times, they wanted me to come to an 'event' and I couldn't even imagine what that would look like.  I put my feet up and turned on the TV...Murk laid his head on my lap and Roxy put her paw over my hand...looks like I'm staying in.

Baby Steps XIV

I was halfway home singing my heart out in the car and relieved I got what I needed.  A scout doesn't appease parents and embarrass a family, if a scout signs on then there is a reason.  There is always that little voice in the back of my head asking what I plan to tell my son if hard work and determination do not pay off...I pray, I'm not entirely sure who I pray to, but I pray.  At this point I'm just happy the end result will be in his hands.

I changed directions and made my way downtown to wonder around and enjoy the city.  My phone was still going off but I wasn't interested in anything right now outside of myself.  I grabbed a coffee and a gluten free pastry that tasted like biting into a bag of flour and did some window shopping.  I think I can be the independent woman and wife successfully, both enjoying my single life while completely in love with my family life.  I can feel the passion return for my husband and although I have always been in love with him there was always the fear that once the passion dies and sparks no longer sparkle and you are left without the butterflies and excitement that it will never come back...mine is returning.  I want to date him again...

Baby Steps XIII

I relaxed a little once I could see Neil's face while watching the highlight tape.  I know I'm biased, I wouldn't even try to deny it but that doesn't mean he is not legitimately good.  I sent him the video to share with a few coaches in the area.  I finished my coffee and felt all the anxiety rush back and there's a sharp realization that there will never be enough drugs to drowned out the anxieties I have around my children...but I imagine I am not alone as a parent.  I couldn't leave here without some direction or insight or any new information that would stop my mind and heart from racing.  He continued with the regular run of the mill statements that sounded robotic and maybe before I would have smiled and nodded but now now.  "Neil, am I about to spend a lot of time and man power for nothing?"

Baby Steps XII

Neil was amazing from from the beginning.  He was almost too relaxed and part way through my coffee I wanted to shake him into seriousness.  The last few weeks has me sick to my stomach wondering about my son's football future so when he's giving me his best stand up routine it takes everything in me to laugh politely.  He really was funny and entertaining and during any other time I would have been lost in his act but right now I want to know the odds and likeliness of him playing for a division 1 team.  Perhaps what's worse will be having the knowledge that he can play at the next level and all of the paranoid thoughts I had that coaches were fucking him over will be validated.  I wonder how many others go through this and never find out, always taking the word of the coach and never challenging authority.  I take comfort knowing that if he makes the team then he has a scout that is in his corner and has been in the game for a long time and can play all of the political bullshit required.  My only request when it was all said and done...I want him to play because he has outplayed and out worked his competition, and not because his scout played for the same coach.  I just need the scout to open the door...I'm confident ten years of hard work and determination will secure his spot.

Baby Steps XI

I barely got four hours of sleep before I had to rise and shine, hit the showers and head out to meet this assistant for my sons scout.  I wish I could turn my phone off as it starts to sound like an alarm going off every few minutes but I leave it incase my appointment calls.  I'm consumed with this meeting, barely able to sleep and praying to any god that I can help my son continue his dream to play football.  If it comes down to hard work and finances then I'm certain he will make it but I don't know the politics just yet on this side of the country but what I do know is that this particular scout knows how to play them and win.

I pulled up to the diner, laid my head on the steering wheel and said a little prayer.  I applied some gloss and pulled myself out of the cobwebs...I just need them to open a few doors...I know my son will leave it all on the field and be a serious contender if he's given a fair shot.  This kid works out, has a nutritionist and does drills until he has perfected them.  Ten years of hard work, never having a father as a coach and showing up every single day like he had a fair shot while the rest of us knew it was the work of his positive mind along with kind but empty words thrown around by coaches.  He wants to know if he is good enough to play...I think we need fresh eyes on him.  I opened the door and found Neil in a corner booth...

Baby Steps X

I got home just in time to take the dogs out for their 5am walk and breakfast.  I looked like the walk of shame, more than grateful I didn't actually carry any shame with me.  I brushed my teeth and washed my face before grabbing my computer and crawling into bed.  I laid under the covers staring at the ceiling feeling lost again...or alone, I'm not always sure and try not to dive in too far.  Sometimes I just want to crawl back into my suburban box and put in a lasagna and pretend I love that life...but I'm more of a bourbon mom that can't cook.  I didn't even bother to open the computer, I spooned the dogs and drifted off...missing Dan and giggling wishing he was here to experience this with me.

Baby Steps VIIII

* I apologize for being so late.  I completed the NYC marathon...my very first one.


I stood by the sink wanting to cry and trying not to laugh.  I wish Dan was here with me, he wouldn't know what to do anymore than I do but with him at least I could share in the hilarity of this mess.  The blonde walked in a few minutes behind me and started checking her make up, I just stood in silence hoping I was somehow invisible.  She is really nice and kind, not abrasive or aggressive in the least, I can see why my date is in a relationship with her.  She looked over and smiled at me, "how about we just go out as a group of friends?"  Like as opposed to the orgy they assumed I would want to be a part of?  I just nodded knowing I could easily make a break for it once we hit a club or bar and I am truly hoping it is not a swingers bar or club.  I grabbed my purse and followed her back out into the restaurant where she proceeded to sit on my dates lap and feed him his dinner.  WTF kind of twilight zone have I entered...and all of a sudden Evan isn't looking too crazy.  Even as I sat there and played with the food on my plate I felt like I was in an awful lucid dream.  The four of them interacted like it was a typical night out...look who's judging now...ugh.  I ordered a drink and decided to play nice and make some friends...I'm confident enough to be out of my comfort zone and still survive.

Baby Steps VIII

The food finally arrived as the other two were placing their order and I wanted to crawl under the table and wondered if it would be rude to just stand up and walk out.  The three of them were talking like I wasn't even at the table and I wasn't sure if I was relieved or pissed off.  What the hell do they think is going to happen?  I could feel my face burning and getting red and I wanted out, right now I wanted out.  I'm in way over my head and I have no idea how to even maneuver in this world.  I wasn't even a little shocked when a second woman joined us and the door to the restaurant is starting to look like a clown car and I wonder how many more will walk through and join my date.  After they completed introductions and went on like this is just a completely normal fucking date I grabbed my purse and excused myself to go to the washroom...hoping for a window I could crawl out of...

Baby Steps VII

She reached her hand across the table to shake mine and introduce herself.  She was quite nice and under any other circumstances I would have appeared less like a robot.  I have no idea how to approach this and I'm fading fast, I'm pretty sure I'm about to cry from anxiety or die from embarrassment.  And the only thought that keeps going through my head is 'what if his relationship is not open'.  That fear was immediately put to rest when her date joined us....wtf is going on?  And then a light went off and the webs cleared and oh my goodness...these people are swingers...

Baby Steps VI

Hair done, dogs walked, house dog proofed and keys in hand.  Tonight is my first experience with someone in my exact situation and I should't be nearly as nervous as I am but I suddenly want to throw up and call it off.  I just went into auto pilot and jumped in the car and drove to Gatineau, which proved to be a challenge all on its own.  I found the restaurant, parked and wondered why I put myself through this anxiety...I guess because it's actually excitement.  

I walked in and found him right in the middle and he looked the exact same...that almost never happens.  He was nice and made me comfortable immediately which didn't really take away my awkwardness and anxiety.  We ordered our drinks and food and I couldn't help but sit there frozen in time...it's not often I am speechless and I can't really understand why I am now.  I feel almost scared and it triggers my nausea, I have no idea what's going on with me so I started drinking my water...then his...this is awful.  And just as I am about to slide into a normal state or what would look like one to the outside world this tall beautiful blonde comes over to our table and pulls up a chair...

Baby Steps V

5am came far too soon and I instantly hated my brother for walking his dogs so early in the morning. I threw my jacket on over my pyjamas, grabbed the leashes and made my way into the exceptionally cold morning.  I didn't even see another person on the street, no traffic or buses, it was almost creepy so I cut the walk from six blocks to four and hurried home.

I crawled back into bed wide awake and grabbed my computer.  I loved having a bunch of messages to read and it was still a great way to kill time at any time of the day.  I love how many people here are in open relationships, it makes me feel comfortable and less like a secret.  People here are completely open about their sexuality like it's natural to have more than one partner and I've become even more excited about the dating scene.  I have a few dates with men in open marriages and relationships and I am curious to see what they do in their relationships to make it successful...I wonder if there is any information I need for Dan and I to ensure success in our own relationship.  We have hit some speed bumps in the past year but we have definitely come a long way and are now very comfortable in our own marriage.  Dan read that it takes about a year to make the transformation and although I wish I would have initially done it differently I am so happy we came out the other side unscathed.  We really enjoy dating and meeting new people...I wonder if it will be easier dating other polyamorous people...

Baby Steps IV

Evan looked exactly like his pictures with a little grunge twist I wasn't especially fond of but it's only a drink and I would be home watching Netflix in an hour and a half.  I ordered a Heineken, shifted in my seat so I was facing him, smiled and introduced myself.  We chatted a little about his career and shared stories of our travel experiences.  He recently moved back in with his parents to save money for a house, I couldn't even imagine asking my mother to make room for me in her home at thirty six years old.  I felt a little bad for him for having to follow up my exceptional dinner date...but he would never know that.  I looked around the pub and immediately felt out of place, it looked like a university bar and I was exceeding the age limit.  Evan's a nice guy, he's just not someone I like to spend my time with so when he asked me to stand outside with him while he had a cigarette I accepted eagerly because once I was outside I could easily exit to my car.

The streets were flowing with people and he seemed to know many of the ones heading into the pub...probably because he spends so much of his time there.  He was finishing up and I thought he was going to ask me if I wanted another drink so I was nothing short of shocked when he looked over and asked, "wanna get a hotel?"  Was he joking?  I could tell by his face that he was serious and at this point I was done with this night.  "No Evan, I'm going to go home and you enjoy the rest of your night".  I didn't even look back and walked down the block to my car...I would much rather snuggle my brothers two dogs, eat gluten free cookies and watch Netflix.  Day one down and about a week to go in Ottawa.

Baby Steps III

Dinner was great and the conversation was even better.  He's a former hockey player that went back to school to pursue a degree in engineering.  He is building his empire through accumulating properties and turning them into residential condos.  We ordered wine after dinner and I very slowly sipped mine since I'm aware wine hates me and I'll be sleeping at the table in minutes if I don't chase every sip with a glass of water.  We exchanged on line dating experiences and I wasn't surprised at all that each woman went from wanting to casually date to finding a husband after meeting him.  He comes from a fairly traditional family and is waiting for the 'girl next door' to show up and sweep him off of his feet and I truly hope that happens for him.  We finished up and he helped me with my jacket.  He walked me to my car and I thanked him for dinner and a great evening.  I know I won't see him again because I won't have time but also because I don't want to take the time from him when I know now that he is looking for a wife.  He opened my door, hugged me and I flashed him a smile before getting in.  What a great guy and I can hardly believe he's single but no point in settling for 'close enough'.

I watched him in my rear view mirror walk down the street and turn the corner before I jumped back out and hurried to the pub on the other side of the street just down a few blocks.  I need to plan this stuff better in the future so I'm not sprinting in heels and dodging traffic.

I walked in and seen Evan sitting at the bar, I caught my breath and sat down beside him.

Baby Steps II

Driving around Ottawa is painful for me and it brings me back to 2004 when I drove to NYC with Leann.  We stopped in Ottawa for the night to visit a friend and spent the better part of the day trying to leave the city but only looping around Parliament like a cheap version of National Lampoons European Vacation.  We set up camp just before entering the city then had to stop at a gas station to find out where exactly that camp site might be since neither of us took note of where we were or the name of the place...what were we thinking?  Parliament looked beautiful in the evening, just not after you've passed it thirty plus times while hung over in rush hour traffic.  I found a parking spot just down the block from the restaurant and gathered everything that fell onto the floor from my purse.  Ottawa is actually quite beautiful and charming and I enjoyed window shopping my way to the  restaurant while being fashionably late.

After doing a once over of the crowd I sat at the bar so he would be able to spot me when he arrived, I guess we both wanted the chance to look through the window before committing to dinner.  I texted him so he knew I was there and where to find me so I was a little startled when he walked over from a corner table.  I smiled politely but was completely caught of guard this is hardly the person I was chatting with, I'm surprised this guy can even order a beer.  I sat across from him and he could see my lack of enthusiasm and to be honest I wanted to have it out but feared I would look like his mother reprimanding him at dinner.  He slowly reached in his pocket and pulled out his wallet without breaking eye contact, he knew what I was thinking and I imagine has been through this before.  He slid his licence across the table and unless it's an amazing fake he is actually my age.  My body immediately relaxed and I had to smile and nodded a thank you.  I don't have a lot of rules for dating but one that I really follow is that anyone I date has to be closer to my age than my sons...non negotiable.  I could feel myself blush so I picked up a menu to distract myself, he was adorable, intelligent, a former pro athlete and highly educated...sounds like a great way to start my trip.

Baby Steps I

It felt great to get off the plane and see Trevor waiting for me.  We had about two hours until he had to be checked in and ready to go to Edmonton so we grabbed lunch and his luggage.  We stopped in at a pub near his home and ordered some gluten free burgers and caught up.  He's worried I'm going to be bored and lonely from only having the dogs for a week; I decided not to enlighten him to my schedule incase it created fear and anxiety in him.  I could feel my phone vibrating without a break for the past few minutes and it's like a race to date.  The only appointment I really need to make is with the scouts assistant so as long as he doesn't cancel I'm expecting a great week in the capital.

Trevor jumped out of the car at the airport after reprogramming his GPS to get me back home, I waved and could almost feel an evil smile spread across my face.  After on line searching for people to date and meet while in the city I realized that I am far more interested in seeking what goes on when the politicians go to sleep and the city turns off the lights.  I have a dinner date and a night cap date downtown...it's time to shower up, put on the heels and see what the hell is going on here. ..

My New Routine XII

Ten minutes into the flight and I'm ready to jump, sometimes I'm amazed at how well children can be behaved when their parents are complete morons.  I opened my journal and did a written blog for the day. Writing has become my best and favourite form of therapy, somehow the assistance of paper or a computer makes the darkness feel like a story that I am telling and not living...it's empowering and has become fun.  Through friends I have met along my journey I am being nurtured into fighting for the life I want and surrounding myself with people who care about who I am and love to watch me flourish.  The blonde from the plane that encouraged me to blog is now profiling me and my blog in the magazine she the Editor of and it's another piece in building my puzzle.  Without the last year and my transformations I wouldn't even know what to write about and now I'm curious of where the story will go and what will it look like...life is only over at the end so what else is there?  I think the best thing I ever did for myself was open my eyes and the part of my mind that I wanted to remain locked and just let everything flow into it.  It's not easy to leave the comfort of a perfect life but it's much more difficult to think I had it all figured out at 35 years old.  I feel like a student again and it allows me to move freely and explore a world I always hoped existed and now experience every time I touch down in NYC.  I call it my secret life, but it's not a secret...I'm open about it but try not to sing about it on roof tops but others may choose to not acknowledge it, in the same way I choose not to acknowledge every aspect of my friends lives.  Besides I have no interest in hearing about the sex lives of my friends...well not the married ones anyway.

The attendant came around with drinks and I was starting to hate the teenager behind me who felt the need to adjust his legs and kick my seat every few minutes.  I decided on coffee...with Baileys'.  Two hours left to go, a few screaming kids, turbulence and alcohol....ahhh

My New Routine XI

I felt a little sad sitting at the airport.  It was so early in the morning so I could only kiss her little hand and leave her a small surprise on her night stand before I left.  I wish I could put her in my pocket and take her along with me everywhere.  I grabbed a magazine, coffee and fruit and planted myself at my gate and tried to distract myself from home.  I watched a couple try and corral five small children and at one point Benny Hill music would have fit in beautifully.  It was a touch strange to watch because part of it made me want to never have another child and another part made me sad that my family is so small and my children are so far apart.  I try not to stress about the future because I hate planning what will happen when I die but at the same time I can't ignore the possibilities and hope friends and family will step in and help her.  I love people watching at the airport it reminds me about life and sometimes I need to reach out and touch reality.  

It's time to board and by the looks of the line up it will be a fairly full flight...so much for stretching out.  I watched the father make a mad dash to catch his daughter down the hall and secretly wished Dan and I were people who wanted lots of children...but we're not.  I found my seat and flipped through my magazine...can anyone ever have exactly what they want or do we all compromise a little from how we feel to what we want?  

My New Routine X

A day of play, dinner, bath and a movie make her fade into dreams a little quicker than usual.  I quietly made my way out of her room picking up clothes along the way and left her door open just a little.  On the other side I let out a deep breath and cleaned my way down the stairs and into the kitchen...our whole house has become her playground and I have no idea how to even begin the process of trying to confine it.  I grabbed a Heineken, grapes and my computer before I made my way over the couch and found some mindless show to watch...I actually don't even enjoy TV anymore unless it's sports.  I crossed my legs and it made a perfect table for my computer, it was time to check the mailbox.

I spent the first hour deleting and blocking people, I have no interest in entertaining someone who still thinks it's funny to speak about a woman's 'place' in the world...it lit me on fire fast and I have to block otherwise I'll spend the night arguing with someone that doesn't even matter.  I have always been guilty of arguing my point to the bitter end and these days I just don't care to engage in it at all.  I finally brought 83 messages to 15 and none of them were exciting, but I had a few hours to kill before my bedtime so I decided to at least have a few conversations.  There was the guy who created his own memes and every time he posted one he felt the need to follow it up with an explanation which only proved he wasn't funny or intelligent.  Although goofy is not a trait I like in anyone over 15 years old he really was nice guy so there was no need to block him but I did cut down my responses.  There was the teacher who is going through an awful divorce and currently has a life full of drama, custody battles and being laid off...and that only took three messages to find out.  I really believe more than ever that I should start on line dating support groups.  What woman wants to get involved in that mess?  It sounds awful and draining, he needs to be in therapy or the unemployment line and not on here hoping to add more problems to his current ones.  I particular liked the one who defended his use of street drugs to help keep his mental health under control.   I didn't even know where to start with this guy knowing full well there is no way I will never meet him and have know interest in drug users.  Then there was the guy who was a doctor and wanted to get together downtown for a walk and dinner, which sounded perfect...except it would have to be later in the evening because his wife worked until 7pm.  His profile is a lie...but so is mine just not in the relationship department.  The worst part is that he was still the best option.  I closed my computer and made my way to bed...there's always tomorrow night. 

My New Routine VIIII

I had signed my daughter up for gymnastics about a month ago but I hated it after the first class.  The entire hour was spent chasing her around the equipment and trying to intercept her before she made it to the trampoline.  It was starting to look like a game of gladiator between parents and kids.  It felt more like a cardio class for me so when we pulled up to the studio I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself.  She ran full tilt into the gym and screamed with excitement, it's difficult not to laugh and just be the parent she needs right now.  She looks at me and raises her eyebrows and I can see a sly smile spread across her face, she was going to make a run for it...class is in session.

One hour, a few tears and my heart beating out of my chest after watching my fearless daughter jump off of everything and we were back in the car and heading for home.  I can see her in my rearview mirror and she looks almost as exhausted as me.  "Mama wanna go to the park?"  I don't, all I want to do is grab a coffee and put my feet up and silently pray that she will nap.  "Yep, wanna go to the blue or green park?"  She giggled, threw her arms in the air started singing to her baby.  Dan is out of town this week for work so I will have plenty of free time this evening to feed my addiction.  But for now, we're going to the park then having grilled cheese.

My New Routine VIII

I didn't even hear Dan come home last night or feel her crawl into bed.  I had a hand tangled in my hair, drool on my arm and was freezing from being uncovered.  Both of them were still sleeping comfortably so I slowly rolled out of bed, washed my face and crawled for my computer.  The dogs followed me to the kitchen looking at me like they haven't eating in months let alone twelve hours.  They stood looking at me while I stood looking at the Keurig wondering the same thing...what is taking so long?  After filling their bowls and grabbing a full cup of coffee I planted myself at the island and opened my computer like it was filled with dirty secrets...I may have blushed at the thoughts of what I would find.

I opened my profile to pages of messages most of which aren't worth the time to read or entertain.  I love reading these profiles, some are intelligent and clever well others lack any type of effort.  I especially like the ones with the men in sweat pants that haven't shaved for weeks and has a stain on his shirt...and for some reason he thought I would be up for meeting.  If he posts that on a dating site I cannot even imagine how he will show up...delete and block.  There are some pretty kinky people in this city and I love it, not that I'm into kink of any sort but I love that people don't have shame around their sexual preferences.  I don't even understand BDSM and trust me I've read Fifty Shades of Grey but still can't come to terms with getting my ass kicked in bed, not to mention I have zero pain tolerance even after giving birth twice.  I received a message from an aspiring photographer who is wanting women to pose for his portfolio, he claims it is all fully clothed and just for him to show potential clients...my mind immediately slides over to a scene from Criminal Minds and I wonder how many 'Talent Agents' are on these sites and how easy the pickings must be when desperation sets in.  One guy uses his profile to promote his new album while another uses his to recruit female athletes for a basketball team...this is what Craigslist must look like.  The amount of military and police officers is staggering even to me and Ottawa must hold the record for most per capita for on line dating.

Ugh, my cup was empty and I could hear Dan turn on the shower...I'll have to pick this back up tomorrow.  It's time to start breakfast and plan some activities for the day...the addiction cannot be trusted and I have the itch...

My New Routine VII

We were both exhausted by the time we finally got home and unpacked the car.  She way laying on the couch with her blanket and I was scouring the fridge for a beer, I was not successful.  I ran her a bath and grabbed her pyjamas.  Dan was at band practice and I was just about done with the day and needed a few hours to decompress.  I walked into the living room to find her fast asleep on the couch so I decided to cover her up and leave her there until Dan could move her.

After unpacking our clothes and starting the laundry I grabbed my computer.  I had about two weeks until I would be in Ottawa for a week, it was time to start looking for friends...but I have to be careful because I am guilty of being a slave to the online dating site.  I've become a pro at filling out these bullshit questionnaires and have a profile up and running in a matter of minutes.  I have no idea why they even make us do those, it's not like they separate us based on preference, income or religion.  Ottawa is all new people for me and I can't help but feel a little excited to see what I will stumble onto in this city.  I still shake my head when people outright state they are looking for a wife and I don't know if it's because they are looking for an online bride or because I am on a site where men are looking for wives and I already am one.  Ottawa is a mixed bag of surprises and it's difficult not to notice all of the profiles set up by couples and even same sex couples and dare I say...cop partners.  This is far beyond my scope of experience but the openness is intriguing and comfortable...still, it makes me giggle like a school girl.  Before I even had the chance to start and answer the messages flooding into my mailbox I closed my computer and slid it under the bed...this is far too interesting to get into tonight and I couldn't function after an all nighter.  I found Seinfeld and drifted off...

My New Routine VI

After waving to my son I went back to the house and packed up my things and said goodbye to the grandparents.  We sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star as I buckled her into her car seat and made plans to stop for sandwiches on the way home.  It felt good to help my son follow his dream.  His father and I have never been able to play the politics in sports and we know that has hindered him greatly in terms of teams, positions and exposure.  Perhaps I was getting a little paranoid but I asked my ex to not talk about this opportunity to anyone involved in football back home.  I didn't want anyone tinkering with his fair shot and I didn't want him to feel the pressure before he even got on the plane.  I leave for Ottawa in a couple of weeks and would meet the assistant and find out as much information as possible to help him succeed.  Hard work was never an issue...fairness was.  At this point we just have to wait until he gets there.

I could hear her lightly singing her favourite songs in the back seat so I put in her CD and sang along in all the voices that make her giggle.  I'm very blessed to be a mother and I take the responsibility serious whether it's football mom or karaoke in the car.  I want my children to feel the energy of my presence in their lives and feel how much I love them.  Three hours to go and life is great...

My New Routine V

Two days later and third place wasn't so bad.  I hugged the moms, snapped some pictures and made my way to mid court where my son and I always meet after any game.  He was in tears in and clutched onto me, not sad they came in third but upset that it was the last game with his team.  His father and step mother came over and we continued to take pictures and make small talk, I looked over and seen our son rallying one last times with his team and decided to let the cat out of the bag to his father first in the hopes that if it pissed him off that the gym was far too crowded for him to express it...I had mastered the art of dealing with my ex-husband and he knew it.  He tended to over react when it came to our son, but maybe that's just my opinion.  I have had the years to come to terms with living away from my child but he never had that and I worry about how this will affect him.  He came to Canada alone several years ago and our child is his only family, I try to be sensitive towards that but never at the expense of our son.

I grabbed my son after the picture session and led him to the bleachers I hoped this would be a successful hail mary to save his dream of playing football because with all of the politics around it he was starting to hate the idea of giving it even more years of his life.  I explained that I had a scout and that he would be given an opportunity to let dozens of schools witness his skills at a camp for a division one school in Montreal.   I took a deep breath knowing that I am guilty of wanting him to follow his dream, but also realizing that football is our thing and I wasn't ready to let it go...I sat there scared to breathe but trying to look confident.  In the end it is always his choice but I couldn't help but try and will it into the direction I want.  My son is strong and if he wants it then he will get it and if he does't then there is nothing I can do to convince him, he's not stubborn he's decisive.  I could see it in his eyes when it finally sunk in what I told him and the significance it held for his future, he was happy and I finally let out the air I had been holding.  "If nothing else it will give you an unbiased look from coaches who have never seen you, and hopefully no politics now that we have a scout".  He was glowing and not just from the game he finished, he was excited.  We both knew what this meant though...this would tell us if he had any chance to move up or if it was time to retire the cleats...

My New Routine IV

I brought her to her grandparents house and unloaded the car, we would be staying with them for the week so I could watch the basketball games and she could have some time with them.  She really enjoys seeing them and it gives me a chance to actually watch my son play his games without chasing her around the field or gym.  I kissed her on the nose before her grandmother brought her into the playroom and ran off to catch the first game.

I found a seat with the moms I had met during football season and noticed his father up top, I gave a wave and a smile before I sat down.  This is the finale of all sports for my son in high school.  He was accepted at the University of Alberta but wouldn't be able to play on their football team even after being promised a try out...coaches have been his nightmare for years.  He started school early and although he is academically ready, he still wants to play football so we have to re-evaluate his options.  I've been a busy bee lately and have secured him a scout across the country, my son along with his father have no idea that he has a four day spring camp in a couple of months and I imagine my ex-husband will be far less excited than my son and I.  His father is very traditional and our son is his only child and has lived with him since birth; he had just come to terms that our son would be moving a province over to live with me so I wasn't sure how he would react knowing he may move to Quebec and live on campus for three years at seventeen years old.  It hurt knowing that once again my son would likely not be living with me and I could have just shut my mouth and never found the scout and he would have been moving in after graduation, but I couldn't do it.  My son has poured his heart and soul into that game and deserved to know if he was still in a position to move forward and play at the next level, I owed it to him to help him find out.  We have always connected over football and he has expressed his desire to keep going...so...we keep going.

I stood up and cheered as our team entered the court, there's a sadness when you can actually see a phase of your child's life come to an end...but there is also the pride of knowing that they made it through successfully.  I'll never get tired of watching him take the field and I hope he gets to do it for as long as he enjoys it.  It's tip off to the tournament, the tears can wait...

My New Routine III

My days seem so much busier now, possibly because she is older and there isn't a lot of down time.  I had our things packed the night before and just had to throw everything into the car this morning after breakfast.  Hoopla is about five hours away which means two pit stops and a lot of "e.i.ei.o"along the way.  I sent Dan in to wake her up, I didn't want her pissed off at me if I was going to spend the entire day in the car with her.

I started loading up the car and watched parents put their kids on school buses while carrying another and still another in a stroller and it made me feel a little anxious at the thought of that being my life.  I have two and they are almost fifteen years apart, I wonder if those with more than one small child at home even get a chance to have free time.  My daughter runs me around the clock and if there was even one more around her age I may never even have the opportunity to read a book let alone have a life in another country.  Dan walked out holding her and could see me paralyzed staring into suburbia like it was a foreign place.  Neither of us liked living out of the city and always promised that we would be penthouse owners when we no longer had dogs or a child that needed a back yard.  He walked over and put his arm around me knowing that at one point this scene would have made me feel inadequate as a wife and mother but now it just makes me feel slightly confined for having to live out here.  I could feel him squeeze my shoulder, "this makes me want to drink in the mornings".  I let out a soft laugh, more of relief that no matter the distance we have travelled emotionally we are still on the same page in our marriage and lives.  "Have one for me too".  He buckled her into her seat before he picked me up and spun me around, "See you in a few days and drive safe".

My New Routine II

After breakfast I pulled out my computer to blog while she found her play doh and favourite stuffed animal.  This time she pushed her chair beside mine and handed me the rolling pin, so I slid the computer over and started making cookies.  I have nothing on the agenda for the rest of the day, or week for that matter.  I only work enough these days to finance my secret life so maybe I should be finding better ways to be with all of my family.  I used to go and visit my son without my daughter although that was mainly because I would do quick trips for football but now I could go and take her along.  After all I want my children to be close even when distance is always a factor.  As we rolled out the doh and chatted with one another I found that her vocabulary was getting much larger and she is changing so much every day.  I know I just got back from NY but I wanted to leave again, I miss my son and so does she.  He will be participating in Hoopla next week so I going to go and take her along...other than NY, I plan to take her everywhere with me.

We cleaned up the play doh and got dressed to head out for the day.  She liked running around the mall and I enjoyed showing her the world and letting her explore it.  I barely think what will happen tomorrow and I love living in the moment just as she does.  I think I forgot how to live for a while and got caught up in the anxieties of time past and days not here...she keeps me in the now and it's almost impossible not to fall in love with the now.  She's standing at the door looking like she got dressed in the dark in someone else's closet and I give her a nod, tell her she's beautiful and let her walk out with two different shoes because she just can't decide which set she wants to wear...I miss living.

My New Routine

I got in exceptionally late after being delayed hours and was surprised I made the last flight out of Toronto.  I woke when  I heard Dan turn the shower on and it felt relaxing to be home and in my own bed.  I got up and made my way to the kitchen to start breakfast and make some coffee.  I realized that I don't even have another trip booked back to NY and for the first time since I started this journey it didn't bother me.  I know I can go back at any time I want so there was no need to panic.  Trevor sent me an email with my flight information because I would be house sitting for him in Ottawa in a few weeks while he house hunted in Edmonton.  I didn't even know anyone in Ottawa and I know I can rectify that but wouldn't even start until I was only a few days from leaving. 


I plated breakfast for the two of us and noticed a few little curls peeking up from the island and it never fails to make my heart melt.  I slowly walked over and seen her resting her head on the side of the stool sucking her thumb and holding her blanket.  I sat on the floor and pulled her into my lap and rested her head against my chest while I rubbed her back.  There was a time when I wasn't entirely sure if I would still love my life after having unlimited freedom...but I love it more and I long to be home when I am away.  Sometimes it's good to miss the things you take for granted as a good reminder of what matters.  I won't give up NY or stop living a life of my own but at the same time I won't let time slip away from me with my family.  I finally have balance...but more importantly I have a husband that not only accepts the new me after I killed the woman he married, but also supports my freedom and choices...life is beautiful.


I picked up my daughter and brought her to the table when Dan came down the stairs...it made me miss my son.  The feelings of missing him have never left and I wonder if that is my penance for not figuring this all out right the first time.  I still have to tell myself that it is okay to have my own life and it is okay that I am non conventional...I ache for the day when I no longer feel the need to defend or explain myself to anyone as if it matters what you think anyway, at least these days it's only in my head.  My life doesn't look like yours, but the beauty is that it's my life so it shouldn't look like yours...

Moving Forward XIV

I arrived at JFK with two hours to spare, I made my way through security and found my gate.  I sat back and watched as the departures times slowly changed and flights started to cancel...wtf?  I walked up to the counter with the young man standing behind it to find out if I should wait or make my way to a hotel.  Apparently there were a few storms that stopped all the connections from leaving the Carolina's so we were all grounded until they could.  I immediately texted Tracy who notified me that she just found her seat on the plane.  I fought back the anxiety, after all it was not like I had never been in NY alone...but the feeling of being left behind was still familiar.  The young man attempted to put me on every flight that was leaving in the next half hour but there was no part of me that wanted to make six stops before I finally reached home, besides even I know I would be stranded somewhere because there was no way they could connect my luggage and I know I can't cross borders without it.  My options were wait and pray or make my way to LaGuardia and hope they have a flight...I'll wait.  I decided to grab a drink in the lounge and wait it out, nothing was going to happen for at least another three hours and the closest I could get right now was Cincinnati and that didn't temp me at all. 


Three Heineken and two hours later and I was standing at the same counter along side two Canadian pilots placing bets on if we were going to make it home tonight.  I watched the young mans face change to relief and he notified us that our plane had finally left Raleigh...he already adjusted all of my connections and I texted Dan to change my ETA...I can't wait to get home...but until then, I owed the pilots a round of drinks.

Moving Forward XIII

I only woke with a slight hangover this morning but was better prepared with water this time.  We decided to just wonder the city and slowly pub crawl midtown.  We had already been out and picked up the last few things we wanted to get before we headed back home.  I felt a tinge of anxiety knowing she was flying out of LaGuardia and I was heading to JFK...I had never flown in or out of JFK until today.  We packed up our things and decided to get a car service rather than separate cabs so we could at least enjoy the ride together...as far as LaGuardia anyway.

The ride to the airport had become so familiar to me over the past few months and I never failed to look back and take one last look at my second home.  Looking over and seeing Tracy gave me a feeling of contentment and happiness.  I already know I will see her in a few weeks because I'm throwing her a surprise party and it's comforting to know that not all of my friends in my new life live across the continent.  "Well, did you love NY?"  I know she did but she lights up when she talks about her favourite parts and it makes me smile.  "You know Natalie you are one of the few people I know that I can travel with and have a good time".  I flashed her my biggest smile, she doesn't know it but that statement offers me a reassurance that my transformation has not only happened but is successful.  The freedom I have in NY to live openly allows me to shed all anxiety and fear...it doesn't belong here.

I got out of the car and hugged her at her stop, I knew we would text until she boarded her flight.  I jumped back in and it was still about twenty minutes to JFK.  Going home didn't bother me anymore, in fact I looked forward to it.  Now I was fully engaged in my home life and the time with my family was nothing but quality, I'm a better wife and mother...and I love my life.  I wonder what people will say...and then I remember...I don't care...

Moving Forward XII

We arrived at the museum just as it was opening and was line up free.  I remember coming here with Dan and the kids a couple of years ago in the summer and the line up must have been over a thousand people deep and as much as Dan loves to learn even he was not about to stand in that line.  We walked into the main room and it was absolutely breathtaking and I couldn't help but just stand there and take it all in.  I was a a little sad by the realization that I have been coming to NY for a while now and had visited a few times before over the years and failed to see so much of what makes the city spectacular.  Carl had taken me to the Guggenheim and I had the exact same feeling.  I love museums and galleries and I really need to start making them a large part of my travels.  Even if the rooms were empty, this building is like nothing else and I could sit in here for hours.  I wondered what else I had been missing, I hadn't even seen Brooklyn and only stepped onto Staten Island, I had been to the Bronx in 2004 with Leann to watch a Yankee game and David gave me a quick tour of Queens.  I made a mental note that each visit I would tour a new area of the city and visit a building or museum...it's a shame I had not been doing it all along.

Almost three hours later and we were making our way through Central Park back into Midtown to grab a slice of cheese cake and lunch before we made our way back to the hotel.  We were trying to decide if we should see a Broadway play/musical or just head out for a late dinner and drinks...it would be a game time decision.  In the mean time we crawled back into bed to warm up and take a short nap before our last evening in the Apple.

Moving Forward XI

After the last encore I grabbed Tracy and dragged her into the street because we had to get a cab before thousands of others gave us competition.  One trick I learned was to walk the opposite way the crowd is moving to get a cab and I had become a ninja at it.  I had no issues standing in a traffic lane and waving down cabs and may have even stolen one once or twice...gotta be quick or you'll be left standing.  It was far too cold to go out and it was already after 1am so we went back to the room to watch a movie after stocking up on junk food.

It was so nice to crawl into bed and warm up.  I always feel guilty when I am not taking advantage of the city so I promised her that we could go to the Museum of Natural History tomorrow afternoon...I silently hoped she was not one of those people that has to see every square inch of the exhibits but I wouldn't rob her of it either.  

I grabbed my phone and texted Vince and Carl to thank them for the visit then I texted Mike from Long Island and cancelled my lunch plans with him...I'm not ready just yet to see him and I would rather spend the day with Tracy, I just love her.  The thought of marrying my NY life and Canada life would have scared me before but now that I have created a life in NY and am making new friends...it is exactly what I want.  Not everyone will come along and many will opt out all together of being a part of my life and it doesn't scare or bother me any longer...I am growing and changing and life feels good.  I drift off thinking about how perfectly Dan will fit into my NY life and I miss him so much.

Moving Forward X

We skipped the museum for today, Carl had to catch the train to get back to Philly and Tracy and I were going to try and relax before the concert tonight.  The whole reason we were in NYC was because she has become a crazed Kongo's fan and I agreed to go if she went to the NY concert.  We have back stage passes along with tickets to a private concert and question session so I only have about thirty minutes until I need to look awake and ready to go.  Tracy was vibrating with excitement and I was downing Red Bull like it was the secret to life.

We grabbed a cab outside of our hotel to Irving Plaza and I knew it was unseasonably cold for the city since even I felt chilled and that doesn't typically happen to me in the city.  The building looked like it had been condemned and was completely locked down, hard to believe it as going to be filled with thousands of people in only a couple of hours.  Apparently Paul McCartney had a surprise concert here last night and it's just another thing that makes this city amazing.  We walked to the corner and had a bite to eat at Chipotle then stood in the doorway of the neighbouring bar until we finally seen some life in the building.  When they opened the doors I could see Tracy light up out of the corner of my eye and I decided to put the hangover on the back burner and join her.  

The building felt only slightly warmer than the streets and I was almost ready for a drink.  We toured the building and were given a ridiculous amount of free Kongo's stuff before twenty of us were squeezed into a tiny closet sized room which held the band.  It almost felt awkward and uncomfortable since I could literally extend my arm and touch any one of them and it became difficult to avoid weird eye contact with them when they sang so I politely stared down at the floor to stop myself from bursting into laughter from the awkwardness and ruining it for my friend.  

Ten minutes until the first band takes the stage and I can feel the pain in my head, queasiness in my stomach and I honestly thought about throwing all of the things they gave me into the garbage just so I didn't have to babysit it all night.  Oh well, I ordered two large rum and cokes and did my best to be upbeat and fun...I hated Carl for being able to go home and sleep...

Moving Forward VIIII

We all woke far too early, but a day in bed in Manhattan is completely wasted.  Tracy climbed into the shower while I blogged and Carl tried to get comfortable on the cot.  Slowly but surely we all showered and made ourselves presentable for the day.  Nothing was going to happen today unless we started with breakfast and a lot of coffee and pop.  Carl was still clearly intoxicated when we found a diner and my hangover was not letting up anytime soon.  The plan was to go from Battery Park to the Museum of Natural History, the thought made me sick and I wouldn't dream of fighting Carl on cabs today.

After I finished my breakfast we cabbed it to Battery Park where is was far too foggy to get a good look at the Lady but if you squinted hard enough you could make out the silhouette.  I felt like turning on my phone and just googling a picture but data is not cheap here; there was no need to jump on the ferry because nothing would be visible.  Carl and I looked at each other and wanted to die, we have done this several times before but we know it would be a waste for Tracy to come all this way and not see all the big sites.  We walked over to the nearest Starbucks and grabbed more coffee and tea before we made our way to Harold Square for shopping and what I can only hope is a sidewalk viewing of the Empire State Building.

Macy's was a nightmare, but at this point everything was.  Carl and I sat side by side on chairs in the shoe department while Tracy wondered around, I leaned over and slowly drifted off beside my already asleep friend...

Moving Forward VIII

I looked at the clock and it was 430am.  Tracy is jumping on the bed and Carl is singing at the top of his lungs while I am trying my best not to throw up the BBQ and jug of Sangria.  

The comedy club was good but not as amazing as when I went with Vince.  I was pretty tipsy by the time we left here and made our way to the Upper East Side.  I brought them to the rooftop at the Kimberly because I remembered how much I loved it when Sara took me.  We spent a few minutes convincing the door man to let Tracy in because apparently their dress code does not contain converse and jeans.  After a few selfies and our drunk charm he allowed us access.  The elevator ride was awful and those two were just getting started.  We took a few pictures of the city before I excused my myself to the ladies room...and quickly ducked into the elevator and made my get away.  I checked my back pocket for my hotel key and ID then zig-zagged my way down Lexington to The Court.  It felt nice to be be in the cold air and I was already dreaming about my bed.  The last thing I remembered was handing a man with his dog my last five dollars and then I was woken up by Tracy leaning over me singing her heart out.  

Moving Forward VII

Carl showed up just as the bellman was bringing in his cot, I'm not even going to try and pretend that it looked comfortable...I already felt bad for how he would feel in the morning.  First things first, we uncorked the wine and spent an hour catching up and bringing Tracy in on our city adventures.  We were heading to the Lower East Side for some amazing food and I have to be careful because I am not a power drinker, these two could drink me well under the table and are seasoned veterans...I on the other hand instantly get tired and hung over.  I'm not a fan of wine so I sipped it and slowly poured it into Carl's glass when he wasn't paying attention.  Once we polished off a bottle of wine I insisted we walk the couple of miles so Tracy could see the city by foot, Carl agrees but only because I promised to take a cab home after the show.

We ducked in at a restaurant known for amazing BBQ and they were not kidding.  I chased my food with two Heineken and forced Carl to drink the third one he ordered for me.  Great food, friends and drinks...it's the way I have always envisioned my NY life...my life is coming along nicely.  We had about an hour before the show so we walked over and found a bar, ordered a jug of Sangria and I am fully aware that wine is going to kick my ass this evening.  I filled the glasses while Tracy went to find rum and Carl was outside smoking....pace yourself Natalie...and stop drinking wine, wine doesn't like you...

Moving Forward VI

We both woke with a touch of nausea but nothing Advil and a vat of water couldn't repair.  Vince met us late last night and hung for an hour or two.  He's a great guy, he doesn't know it but I have friend zoned him...I guess I'm just more interested in meeting people and making friends then I am in trying to find an affair.  He offered to drive us back to the hotel but I always prefer to walk, even when it's 3am and I have trouble walking.  

I was blogging when Tracy emerged from the shower and we decided to spend the morning walking the east side looking for food and doing some shopping.  Carl will be in late afternoon and the night is already reserved so I figured I would take her to main points of interest in between stores so she could cross them off the Nee York site seers list.  I've learned over my time here how to see the city fast and cheap, it doesn't work for people like Dan and my brother Trevor who have to read about the history of it all while they experience it but for the rest of us I can see most sites within the day and spend very little.  When I was first here in 2001 I waited in line for over an hour and paid $20 to take the boat across and climb the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty.  With the tragic events that followed that same year they took away the privilege of being able to do that and even now only offer a few of those tickets that are sold out well in advance of the date.  So when I have a friend that wants to see it, I take the free ferry to Staten Island which has no line up and gives a beautiful view of the Lady, the Brooklyn Bridge as well as the city and it's less than an hour round trip.  Luckily, Tracy is more like me when it comes to the sites so we grab our mittens take one last look in the mirror and head for the streets...tour guide Natalie is at your service...right after coffee...

Moving Forward V

I found Tracy in the main hall of Grand Central Station.  It was hard to believe that NY was never on her bucket list and I have every intention of showing her why it should be somewhere on there even if she sneaks it on at the bottom.  We walked my luggage to our room and I freshened up a bit and we caught up on our lives.  I was still new to blogging but as the great friend she is, she was reading along daily.  Vince wanted to meet for drinks late this evening so I agreed and decided to let Tracy see my secret life...a glimpse of it anyway.

I grabbed my mittens and we walked over to Times Square and admired all the beautiful buildings along the way.  Tracy loves museums, history and galleries and NY is filled with them.  I'm hoping Carl will come along for the ride when he gets here tomorrow.  I made some reservations at the same comedy club Vince took me to and gave her carte blanche for any site seeing she wanted to do.  I hadn't seen Lady Liberty in a long time and I'm a little excited to feel her take breath away...again.

We ducked into my favourite pub and ordered food and drinks.   We're both exhausted from travelling all day and it's so nice to just sit and lose myself in her life.  Tracy is a friend that makes me feel important and special...I have a lot of those now...and I hope I am one of those.