New Eyes...Same World XX

I pulled into my driveway and rested my head on the steering wheel. It was an emotional eight hour drive and this time I didn't have Mike sneaking up on me for a brief escape into his world. I grabbed my overnight bag and purse and made my way up the front steps and into the house. I could hear her giggling with Dan in the kitchen and it's difficult not to smile at her playfulness. I came around the corner to find her in her apron cracking eggs...mostly onto the floor while the dogs slurped it up. Dan was standing at the far end of the counter drinking a beer and trying to give direction...it's a mad house. I walked over and moved the bowl beneath the eggs and smiled over at my husband. This is how I envisioned my home life, nothing is perfect, mistakes are plentiful and that's okay because it's how we learn and grow and find who we are...

New Eyes...Same World XIX

5am came too fast but I had to get home and wanted to be there for a few days before I was in NY again. My son and I are not at 100% but we will get there, he's a great kid and my apology is sincere. I stopped for a coffee and decided to wait a few hours to get gas, it was too cold to get out and pump it myself. It's still quite dark out while the mist is suspended above the train tracks, this town can be creepy at this hour when no one is around but me. I can't tell you how many times I dreamed of driving out of this town and never coming back; it seemed almost cruel to make me come back weekly but I enjoyed the days of him on the field. Now as I was leaving and watching the city disappear behind me I knew that it would be a very long time until I returned...he was going to be moving with me to go to university and I wouldn't have any other reason to return.

I pulled over and took one last look as the sun was peeking through the clouds and the city was about to wake...this place represented so much of who I am and was, I feel sad knowing I could never leave it fast enough...

New Eyes...Same World XVIII

My mother and I left after we ate and she brought me back to my brother's apartment. My son said he would be over after work and I wanted to nap after my long day. My mind kept wondering between Mike and John and their relationship. John would hate him if he knew but I think Mike already feels like that and other than trusting each other at work there likely isn't much between them...and I can see why. I must have typed a text to Mike a dozen times but rather than send it I just kept deleting it, sometimes the best good byes never have to be said. I'd be lying if I told you I wouldn't miss him, I miss him now but it's the good kind.

I flopped back down on the bed and pulled the throw blanket over me...I felt emotionally and mentally exhausted as I struggled to keep my eyes open and thoughts collected....

New Eyes...Same World XVII

I texted him to let him know that we were in the restaurant and had already ordered food...I'm about fifty percent certain he won't spit in my food. It wasn't anxiety anymore that was eating away at me it was sadness for not stepping up to the plate when he needed me to. I'd finally come to terms with the damage being done and worked on my apology which, did not contain any excuses at all. I sat with my back against the wall and faced my mother, I wanted to see him approaching the table and not be caught of guard...it's easier to be prepared then surprised. 

Our food arrived and I could see him making his way over to the table. I picked up my purse and moved it to the other side of me so he could sit down. He looked great but a little tired, he smiled when we finally made eye contact and it made my eyes well up with tears...I missed him so much. He sat down beside me and made small talk which only hurt my heart. Small talk was the worst because it was so impersonal and I was almost offended that it had got to this place. I put my arm around his shoulder and hugged him tightly, I loved being close to him; I relaxed when I could feel his embrace. I didn't care that my mother was right across from us, we were all so close that we didn't really have room for secrets. I smiled through my tears and finally brought myself to throw up the words, "I was wrong and I'm sorry I hurt you." He nodded and never said a word, I did what i could and now it's in his court and all I can do now is give him space and time. Sometimes the only thing you can do is say sorry, it's not about why I reacted or why he chose to quit...in this exact moment it was only about correcting my mistake...the rest is irrelevant until he decides if he ever wants that to change. 

New Eyes...Same World XVI

I called my mother to see if she wanted to go for dinner; thinking maybe having her there would make it less awkward for both he and I. She was already on her way over to see if I arrived so I grabbed my purse and met her out front of the apartment. I loved seeing my mother, she has always given me the sense of home even if we were sitting in a car. She's not happy about my reaction but she's not exactly happy about his harsh reaction of quitting football, either way I'm not looking for approval...I'm looking for forgiveness.

We drove up Main Street and I still hated this city. I remember clawing at the walls wanting to leave and never look back and although I still feel uncomfortable it doesn't leave me feeling confined anymore. Small town Saskatchewan was never a place for me and always made me ache for the outside world of adventure and chaos. We pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant and my anxiety killed any appetite I thought I had...but it doesn't matter because I am not here to eat...

New Eyes...Same World XV

I hated the final stretch of the drive, and not just today. The familiarity of the road let me relax so I could replay the conversation with my son that I hadn't had yet. What made it worse was that I would be meeting him at a shitty job he got because I told him he had to repay me everything I spent. I felt like such an asshole, as if he had to be punished for making choices in life that only affect him. I turned up the radio in an attempt to shut my brain off...I made a mistake and it's time to make good on that.

I pulled up to CJ's apartment and grabbed my overnight bag and purse, he wasn't home but I knew where the key was hidden. I threw my things in the spare room and flopped on the bed, exhausted from the drive and emotional from my visit with Mike.

New Eyes...Same World XIV

I hugged him tightly and let it linger for longer than I should have. This was good-bye...even if we never spoke the words. This strip of road was done for me as my son would be moving with me and I wouldn't have many reasons to drive it anymore. He smiled into my eyes and held my face in his hands, he knows how much I care for him and I will miss our friendship...more than I realized. He opened my car door and handed me my seatbelt. "Drive safely Irish." John used to call me that but over the last several months it was Mike who took the negative out of it and replaced it with his own voice...I liked it again. I winked at him and flashed him a sassy smile...I would have run away with him in that minute, not forever but definitely for a few days. The sound of my door closing and seeing him not he other side of the glass make me feel sick...I already missed him.

I watched him in my rearview mirror until I made it to the top of the hill and crossed over the train tracks...

New Eyes...Same World XIII

I liked seeing him out of uniform, it was easier to forget our common connection and move past the awkward small talk around him. I thought about telling Mike about my visit with John a couple months ago but decided against it...we haven't spoken his name and I was not about to bring it up. Mike had this incredible way of making me feel like I was the only person in the world, he always looked me dead int he eye and I could feel his emotion with each word...he likely has this affect on most people. I was sad when the last of my coffee trickled down my throat because it has always acted like the last of the sand passing through the hour glass and our time was up. He tilted his head back and swallowed the last of his before he put his cup in mine and tossed it in the garbage beside us. I didn't want to leave and I couldn't tell you if it was because I was afraid I'd never see him again or if it was because I was embarrassed to see my son...

New Eyes...Same World XII

I couldn't take my eyes off of him, he radiated happiness and was very easy on the eyes. I think the last time I saw him we were sitting right at this picnic table and I imagine we talked about John...but not today, today it was just the two of us and months of catching up. We laughed about our days on the highway, my foolish crush and our new lives. I hated that we lost touch but how could I have kept in contact and not let go of John...ugh because I was a fucking mess. I wanted to touch him, to feel his hands in mine and his breath on my skin, he made my heart race and face redden...I have got to get away from the cop population. Our eyes were locked onto one another and the tension was building...at least it was for me...

New Eyes...Same World XI

I pulled over at the coffee stand that I used to meet Mike at, the cop...not Long Island Mike. It's tough not to see little pieces of me along the road I have driven more times than I can count. I was standing at the bluffs overlooking the country when I felt someone standing beside me. "Still drink your coffee black?" I had to catch my breath, I haven't seen Mike in so long I almost forgot what he looked like and sounded like. I glanced over to find him staring out into the world but never broke his stare, he just handed me my coffee and I could see the smile form across his face. I missed him, I hadn't thought about him in a long time and all of a sudden I don't really know how I got this far without him.

New Eyes...Same World X

I jumped in my car and started driving that familiar piece of highway between he and I. I hadn't laid eyes on him since he returned from Montreal and I was starting to feel nervous. This road represents so much to me and I almost forgot how often I made this trip for football and for Leann. I always stopped at the same places to eat or get fuel and it felt good to have this familiarity, it somehow stopped my anxiety from eating me from the inside out. I guess the most difficult step I have faced in a long while with my son is making the transition to him becoming a man. I'm not entirely sure how to parent at this level and I am not ready to not parent at all. I have another seven hours until I am standing in front of him...and I have some explaining to do...

New Eyes...Same World IX

My son finally made it home to his father's house and started working almost immediately. The reality of my harsh reaction to him walking away from his first love set in and I'm no fool...damage was done. Apologies can be stated and forgiveness offered but that doesn't take away the hurt that was caused or make up the time needed to heal. I dialled his number a hundred times a day but couldn't find the words. I hate what I have done to us and I don't even have the slightest idea on how to fix it. When I was a young mother he made it so easy for me, he trained me to be the mother he needed and wanted. I was embarrassed that even today after eighteen years he was still stuck teaching his mother how to be a mother. I don't understand how I could fail the last few weeks...or maybe how I could just so blatantly fail him.

New Eyes...Same World VIII

Writing can be frustrating even on the best of days and I'm wondering if my passion will eventually burn me out. I guess between writing reports for work and the constant battle with my coach to edit my work as I go is catching up to me. She's right and I'm not fighting it but after writing three boring reports in a row it doesn't give me the inspiration needed to write about myself and my story. It's important that I can pull on your emotions through my words...I want to make you laugh until you cry and feel my own emotions and I can't do that if I write without passion or interest. Some days I was on fire and could write from the time I opened my eyes right up until I went to bed...and other days I kicked a small ball around the house and prayed for words. I tried not to worry too much since I was headed back to NY in a couple of days and had other dates planned. Meeting people through online dating has become one of the best things I have ever done for myself. I have no idea how else I would meet people who are catholic scientists, movie stars, comedians, politicians and painters. I have had so many great experiences, whether I felt like that in the moment or not I always was able to giggle when I reflected back. I hadn't been online for a while...huh...maybe that's my problem. I grabbed my computer and headed for the kitchen table...time to go fishing....

New Eyes...Same World VII

The days seemed to be flying by and I was already booked to head back to NY for the next ten months. The problem I was facing now was leaving my daughter each month. I found that it became harder and harder to leave so I started to book her flights with me about every second or third time. NY wasn't all about dating and sex for me, it had become a home and place where I could just let go and get lost in the streets and among the people who never seemed to have enough time to look up at the world. I loved bringing my children into this world, the place where mom is untethered and creates the world she wants. I draw much of my inspiration from the city and my littles so experiencing them together is beautiful and fulfilling. New York has given me my confidence and sense of self, I don't care how others view my life or if they whisper behind my back because of my sexual preferences or the way I raise my children. It used to eat at me all day and keep me up all night but NY doesn't judge me at all. In fact the Big Apple is all about just being comfortable in who you are. I've noticed my two lives spilling on to one another and panicked for a split second...then I took another sip of my coffee and felt a smile spread across my face...I have won at life...