Full Circle IX

I felt him grip my hand tighter as he finished his drink but I didn't look over to watch. I heard once that we tend to attract what we throw out into the universe and I felt instantly sick thinking I was the mirror image of this only two years ago. The weekends with Leann drinking until I was sick and trying to numb myself or just escape from the routine of life. Now all I wanted to do was escape this room and never look back but there was this last lingering part of our friendship that I felt I owed him so I unlaced my boots and decided to stay for another drink. I know I cannot save him and it's not even on the agenda...tonight I just want to say good bye to someone who helped me along the way.

Full Circle VIII

I put my cup on the table and stood up to grab my jacket. "Where ya going Irish?" I smiled over at him and looped my scarf around my neck, "Either for a drink or home, your call". He finished his drink in one swallow and sat back up on the bed, "Why don't we just have another drink here?" Does he not feel the awkward silence like I do? I can't believe he wouldn't want to escape this room. I crouched down on the little stool I was using for my feet and was now facing him, "What happened all of those evenings when you left me waiting?" Well, if he wants to stay in and drink then the least he can do is take this garbage off of my plate and account for his behaviour. "Natalie, I was really working, there was never anything else". Funny how now I really just don't care anymore, it didn't help me or hurt me in the least and I wouldn't even care if I found out he was lying...that belongs to him, not me. I watched him pour another drink and wondered how he was still upright even after one. "The times I never contacted you or answered your calls was because my ex-wife wanted to work on our marriage". Is Robocop opening up to me? I tried my best not to look stunned by his confessions and just smiled and bobbed my head like an idiot. I spotted another empty bottle lodged between the bed and nightstand and felt my heart hurt for him. I watched him pour that drink down his throat and grab the bottle to pour his third...well third that I have seen. Part of me wanted to laugh in his face and walk out just to let the woman I used to be have her day. I stood up and moved towards the bed to sit down beside him...we sat side by side without saying another word while I held his hand. We were so different now...at least I was...

Full Circle VII

He poured himself another drink and kicked his shoes out of the way while he leaned back onto the bed. What the fuck? Why did he stop getting ready? I didn't ask and just continued to sip on my overly strong drink. It was quiet for a while and I remembered how little we actually have in common...almost nothing. I tried to grill him about his work but one thing he will never do is give up any information regarding his work. We talked about our lives, or the very little we would share and I told him all about my travels to New York which he didn't seem to care about. I didn't know how to leave and wasn't sure what else I had to say so I continued to sit in silence and stare at the television hoping for the fire alarm to go off or for him to get called out. Sitting there I had no idea what the fuck my problem was for all those months. I must have been confused, or lost, or crazy in that time to feel like I did...maybe the darkness took that garbage and retreated into the cage with whatever was making me feel so desperate to connect with him. I smiled to myself knowing that the curse was broken and I was free. I took another sip and continued to watch television...it's time to go...

Full Circle VI

I heard the door open to the washroom and almost dropped my drink, I must have zoned out into my thoughts...but for the life of me I cannot recall what I was thinking. He looked the exact same as when I left him and it made me smile to see him again, although he looked like garbage. I imagine the long days of training followed by late nights of drinking, likely alone, takes a toll on one's body and it was showing. It didn't matter though, I wasn't here for anything in particular and now that he actually showed up I could easily walk out the door. It's funny how the mind works or maybe I have become so stubborn that I cannot just let shit go and need the endings...no matter how they play out.

He walked over and topped my cup up with more whiskey and I pretended not to care since there was no way I would be finishing it. He sat on the bed and gathered his shoes while we made small talk and took another run at our banter. The difference is that now I don't feel the strong attraction that used to leave me in tears hoping he would just open up, now I just feel a little sad but not that I pity him...more that I wish he would do the work to be free from his past and demons. He really is a good man, I can see that in him but he chooses to live in a prison and stay numb through booze. It was easy to catch up with someone who never shares information. I could feel him staring at me out of the corner of his eye and suddenly my face started to feel warm and I imagine I was fully blushing hoping he wouldn't notice with the bad lighting. I turned to flash him my best smile and found him lost in thought...I wish I never came. Sometimes it is just better to leave things unresolved and put your own ending to the story, I hate that I am learning this lesson now. I reached over and touched my cup to his..."cheers". He looked up and laughed at me, "you're a dork". I flipped him off and went back to my drink. I felt more like an asshole than a dork...

Full Circle V

The elevator doors opened and closed on me at least twice while I stood there and wondered what in the fuck I was doing. I heard people talking but couldn't make out what they were saying but decided to walk in the next time the doors opened just to fool them...or myself...into thinking I should be there. I walked down a long hallway and found his door, my heart was beating out of my chest and I hated that I was standing here...no...I hated that I wanted to be standing here. I know that he has seen my darkness and I know he has some of his own, maybe I just need him to see that mine is gone...maybe I just need to say good bye to his.

To this day, I could not tell you if I knocked on the door but I recall perfectly seeing him standing in front of me with the door open. "Irish, you gonna come in or what?" Everything came into focus all at once and I played it off like I was shocked he was actually standing in front of me rather than making excuses. "Sure, I'll drink your whiskey while you get ready".

I walked in to a very standard hotel room with more than its fair share of empty alcohol bottles, one I kicked that was laying on the floor in front of the desk...which was also littered with empty bottles. It smelled and looked like a frat house...he must have packed his demons. I found an empty clean plastic cup and poured very little alcohol into it then filled it with soda...he doesn't need to know I am doing this sober. I sat on the small chair in the corner of the room and put my feet on the stool and tried to distract myself with the television while he was in the washroom.

Full Circle IV

He was not on the elevator and the familiar feeling of disappointed and frustration came rushing back to me. Do I drive away and just let it all go? Sure, I can do that...but fuck that. I have given him every chance to be a friend and decent person who should be at the very least as good as his word. I pulled into a parking spot and threw my car into park, I needed a minute to think about this because if I drive away then I have to commit to never seeing him again but something is keeping me here and I have a stronger desire to tie up loose ends for my own closure. I grabbed my phone to text him, "Are you coming out or am I coming in?" I felt sick because a large part of me feared he wouldn't even answer or if he did then he would have some long excuse as to why he was no longer available. My phone lit up, "I just got back from work, come up for a drink while I get ready". I think I may have stopped breathing for a minute or two...I could just wait in the car for him...

Full Circle III

I was standing in the middle of a Starbucks waiting for my Americano and trying to forget that I was picking him up in twenty minutes. My plan was to text him when I arrived so he could come out and we would go to a pub just down the street for a drink and hopefully cut out the childish play and become real friends. That was my plan, unfortunately I need him to play along and that was a different ball game all together. This man would look you straight in the face and tell you the sky is green and believe it himself if it meant going against my view that the sky is blue. Somedays it bothered me and could bring me to tears and others it fuelled me and made me feel incredible...but that's how drugs work. I want to thank him, to apologize to him and to hug him and tell him everything he meant to me and my journey. There were times I wanted to hate him and thought I might but in reality he helped me work out all the kinks and throw out all of the false beliefs about sex, affairs and life in general. In my most vulnerable time he may have had the power to lure me away from my family and he never even entertained the idea. He always kept me at arms length and respected my home life and knew the emotional struggle I was having in trying to rectify in my head that love doesn't need to be present in order to have casual sex. I guess I wasn't mentally prepared nor did I have a clear understanding of what an open marriage entailed in terms of extra marital relationships. John may have been cold and frustrating throughout the past two years but it in hind sight it was so important to help me make the transition. I don't hate him at all, thank goodness he was realistic in my limitations...especially when I could not even think of them...

I pulled up to the front doors and texted him...my anxiety made me giggle as I watched the elevator doors in the lobby open..

Full Circle II

I tapped the screen on my phone as if it would make him respond faster. What is it about this man that makes me play the game so easily? I used to feel a hot rage inside of me when he would pull me into his vortex of garbage but right now I feel like I could use the distraction. He must be working or training here for the next week. What would I say to him if he actually showed up? Will I actually show up? He loves this game and I am not exactly innocent when playing along...it has always been the glue that binds this toxic friendship...or whatever is left of it. I can remember clearly the two of us standing in the parking lot of his work having an all out verbal argument then almost hitting him with my car, he lit this fire in me that I craved to have but knew was damaging to the person I am. He could bring me to the brink of insanity just before pulling me back in, like he wanted me to have the slightest glimpse into his own chaotic emotional nightmare. I think I feel sorry for him...who could maintain a life at that speed and still thrive and be healthy for your children? I didn't feel the anxiousness around him anymore and that was relieving because I felt in control knowing he was back in touch but also with the knowledge that he was in my city.

"I'm off at six tonight, wanna go out for a drink?" Hmm, do I bite and agree only to be stood up again? Do I tell him to fuck off and not even entertain the likelihood of him showing up? "I'll need you to pick me up at my hotel because I don't have a car here". That's new because he has never ever let me be in control of meeting and now he has to tell me where exactly he is staying which should or could scare him easily because if he stands me up I can still find him and completely call him out on his bullshit games. The next text was definitely upping the ante, it included his hotel and room number, I could call to make sure he was being honest but that was not an option I am giving myself. If I plan to meet him for a drink then I have to let everything else go otherwise I'll only create anger in myself.

"I'll pick you up at seven." There was no need to say anything else, no threats or jokes about his previous behaviours...that Natalie is gone...I don't really care anymore if he shows up or cancels because I am no longer a player in his game.

Full Circle

I sat at the island in the kitchen and looked between my phone and her box of ashes. So much has changed and on days like today it is difficult to see any of the good that has come about...but it doesn't mean I couldn't at least find a few examples. I placed my hand over her paw that was in a frame beside the box, I love having her home with me...even in death she gives me comfort and support.

I sat vacant for a few more minutes, or an hour...time was invisible to me at this point. I picked up my phone and typed and deleted at least half a dozen messages. I wanted to see him but I wondered if it was only because of my ego or because I wanted to see if I would actually see him again. How can I possibly give him another chance to not show up...it's not like I couldn't take it if I was stood up but it would be difficult to swallow if it was him once again. "What's up Robocop?" I guess I could find out his intentions before I unleash my own...self loathing feels so much better when sadness is already in place...

Home for the Holidays V

"Hey Irish...guess who's in town?"

I stared at my screen for a short eternity...do I answer? I could just feel the kitchen swirling around me and slowly I was feeling sick to my stomach. Life still happens even when you run away to NY once a month, it waits for you. I can't escape life and now for the first time in a long time I realized that there will always be obstacles and disappointment to deal with. My life might be fun in NY but it is really just a short vacation and when I am home I still have a life to live...a real life, one with consequences and sadness, defeat and every other struggle. Yes, there is happiness and pride, love and family but for a brief moment in my life...I forgot life could be so incredibly unforgiving. I heard the garage door open, Dan is home with her. I placed my phone on the counter and ignored him for now...I want to welcome her home...

Home for the Holidays IV

I asked Dan to pick up her box of ashes from the vet, I wasn't sure I could make the drive. I was happy she would be home for Christmas and it was about all the good news I had lately. I cleared off a spot on the shelf and made sure to have another place for her pictured paw print, I ordered one for Karen too, the place was perfect for her shrine. Dan said we should release her ashes into the river because it was her favourite place but I can't let her go alone so she will wait for Wendell.

I looked over to find Wendell laying half off of the couch looking bored so I walked over and pulled his head onto my lap. His ears moved when I told him Django was coming home today...he knows she won't be in the same form. I wonder how long he knew she was dying for? I kissed his nose and walked back over to my phone that was lit up...I noticed the pattern almost immediately...that's a lot of seven's...

Home for the Holidays III

I'm done my Christmas shopping. It didn't have the same warmth it has carried in me for all of my years. I loved walking through the malls and streets, seeing them lit up and people watching for hours. Today it was more about completing a task and trying to get through it as painlessly as possible. It's funny how things work, I looked at her everyday and just assumed she would always be there. It never occurred to me until it was too late that one day she may not...regret is an awful feeling. I completely took for granted that she would be around if I needed her for a walk, talk or just comfort. 

I heard the phone ring but was too caught up on my own thoughts to answer. It was the vet, Django's ashes were ready to be picked up...she'll be home for the holidays...

Home for the Holidays II

The house is emptier these days and I don't think I could handle another question period with my daughter over her dog. It's funny, she doesn't care for dogs or other animals unless they are stuffed and she can carry them around...but Django was the exception to her rule. Django and her were perfect friends and for some reason that was her dog. Together they would raid the dog treats and sleep together, watch television together and team up to pester the other dog. I remember one day she gave both of the dogs a chew treat and when Django finished hers, my daughter went and stole the chew treat from Wendell and gave it to Django. These two were partners in crime and now I am lost trying to explain that her friend isn't coming back without having to dive into the discussion of death this early in her life. More than once we have offered her candy in an effort to de-rail her questioning and I'm not entirely sure how I will help her preserve the memories of her friend and not answer her questions.

I looked down to find Wendell at my feet, sitting beside me and looking up. I feel sad for him, I placed my hand on his head and tossed him a piece of cheese...he smelled it and nudged it with his nose but couldn't be bothered to eat. I slid down to the floor and pulled him onto my lap, Wendell has always preferred dogs to people but today...today he just wants me...I'd love to mourn with him...

NYC Marathon

Sorry friends there will not be a post today. I'll be running in my second NYC marathon today. Will resume tomorrow...thank you so much for your continued support.

Home for the Holidays I

We didn't talk about her for days, we barely talk about anything. I walk around the house in a daze trying to answer my daughters questions without becoming an emotional puddle. I'm not sure how my other dog is doing, he seems okay but it's barely been a full day. I was hoping to have Django home for Christmas one last time, I was going to make her a turkey dinner and let her eat everything she wanted. I was sad when she stopped eating all together because it meant I couldn't give her a last meal. The vet told me that I did everything I could and gave up at the right time, but really, what was she going to say? I did feel good about taking every approach thrown at me but failure is awful and downright sickening when the cost is this high. I took her collar from the dog bin in the closet and put it put it in a safe place where I would always have it. Some people think she was 'just a dog'...she was my friend, she loved me and took care of me...if only we could all be 'just dogs'...

From Paws to Wings

She knelt down beside me and inserted the needle, I couldn't even conjure up the strength to nod my head and finally let her rest. I laid there with my nose meeting hers and felt her lick the tip of mine one last time, I could never apologize enough. She let out a light moan and the doctor proceeded and with the realization that she was leaving me I couldn't contain the pain any more and sobbed into her neck. I felt her heart stop and panic set in, I wanted to take it back, I wasn't ready, just one more minute I begged. Her body went limp and she was resting painlessly. Without looking away I reached for Dan's hand and we locked fingers around her and cried together.

I heard the vet leave but I didn't move. I don't know how much more time I need with her, I will never see her like this again. I could hear Karen standing to leave and felt Dan make his way to his feet too, I was still gagging on my anxiety and sadness...I could lay here all night with her and tell her the story of 'us' forever...I remember walking into the shelter and Dan was standing with his back to you, you tapped him on the back of leg to let us know you were there. We fell in love with your big ears and pink nose immediately...that day you handed in your shelter name and became part of our family...

Therapy for Two XVI

Dan and I left the room when Karen showed up. We gave her ten minutes to say her good byes while we paid the bill and caught our breath for the final stage of our own good byes. I used the wall to keep upright and threw a text to Stephanie to let her know it would still be about two hours...she didn't care, as long as Django was comfortable and we were there. I finally slouched onto the bench behind me and caught my head in my hands as I bent over to stare at the floor. I think we were wrong, I think she was dying from the inside out and that her legs were just a sign of something much worse. It doesn't matter now though, if it's cancer you can already smell it coming from her and no amount of treatment can reverse death.

The door opened and Karen waved us back in. I wanted that ten minutes to last forever. Dan grabbed my hand and led me back into the room where Django had become progressively worse since I sat with her this morning. Karen took the couch, Dan laid behind her and crawled in front and kept my nose touching hers and eyes locked. I once read that no matter how difficult it is to say good bye to your pet, it is far worse for them if they have to make the journey alone...I placed her paw in my hand and kissed her nose.

There was a light knock on the door and the doctor peeked in, I never broke my stare...