Coaches and Classes XIV

I woke before my alarm and I felt nauseous either from excitement or anxiety...such a fine line.  Cleo was sleeping on top of my blankets and I was trapped, but I didn't feel like moving anyway.  I reviewed my pages until I could recite them...what will this all mean?  I liked my writing but I got into the habit of reading it so much that it started to bore me and that's not good because that is when I tend to over edit.  Being untrained makes me feel lost but I also like that I am not confined to rules of writing...I wondered if my coach would slowly train me into becoming a traditional writer.  I like my coach; she is this amazing woman who ignites a fire in me that makes me feel empowered and strong...like Angela...like all the incredible women that I get to call my friends.  She has heard every dirty, dark, crazy secret I have and becomes just as excited as I when I am telling them.  It's as if she allows my creativity to play without judgment or boundaries and I feel safe telling her things I am too afraid to write.  I could feel the tears fall down the sides of my face, but I am not sad...I'm relieved...

Coaches and Classes XIII

It was long after 4 am when I finally put my pen down, closed my note book and pulled myself up off of the floor.  I let Cleo out for a pee and brushed my teeth.  I have four short hours of sleep followed by a three hour session with my coach, a few hours to review then my class.  I was starting to feel emotionally exhausted and I wondered if it was from my two evenings with Mike or from the constant writing and reliving of one of the darkest times in my life...probably a little from each.  I walked out onto the roof and over to Cleo who was mesmerized by the lights from the city and I can't help but constantly fall under the spell.  I love NY so much and I think this is where I should be, but it's difficult sometimes because I came here to get lost in my life, the parts I had abandoned, but some days I just feel lost.  I'm really starting to appreciate and enjoy my journey's...maybe that's why I'm a traveller by heart...as is Dan...

I snapped my fingers and Cleo was right on my heels...

Coaches and Classes XII

Chris took a cab with me all the way to Jersey just to make sure I got him safely and it was difficult not to admire the gesture...he really is a truly amazing man.  I climbed the stairs and opened the door to find Cleopatra overly excited and jumping at walls...ugh I absolutely have to take her out.  I let her on the roof while I changed into my lulu's, I never wore my iPod this late at night but it's not like I have ever been harassed...especially when I am with Cleo.  

We walked back into the street and headed up to JFK BLVD where we turned left and and walked uphill...it was always easiest if she only had to coast home.  I still had a few hours of writing to do tonight so I have something for the class tomorrow evening and my one on one session before I head home.  I took Cleo to a small fenced in park and let her run wild for twenty minutes to work out all of her energy that would take hours of leash walking to successfully do.  

My time alone these days whether it's on a bus, plane, Path or in my car is spent writing in my head.  I learned this skill when I was in university.  I would think about my paper for days and sometimes weeks to wrap my brain around what I wanted to discuss and then when I felt the itch I would sit down and write out all my thoughts in point form then build on them until it looked similar to an essay.  As long as I could provide all of my thoughts then it was easy to fill in where I needed to and it's something I have kept and used.  

I leashed Cleo back up and took her home, I started to feel a bit anxious when my thoughts were jumbling and I want to get them out before they are gone.  We crossed at the lights and I started to run with her, she can easily run for two miles and this way she won't need constant attention when we get back home.  Besides if I finish this tonight then I can see Chris again tomorrow night. 

Coaches and Classes XI

I walked into the hotel lobby bar and found him sipping on his gin and tonic.  He is so handsome and looks similar to Dan, but Dan has a charm that most don't possess.  I sat down beside him and ordered a Heineken.  Chris is also in an open marriage but only dates in NY, just like me.  He is from Connecticut and comes to the city a few times a month for work.  He has had about as much luck as I have in the dating world and exchanging stories is something we in the new dating world all come to do...it's like a contest of who had the worst date...I have never lost.  Chris has the same issues as Dan in the sense that most of the women he meets wants to get married and will even wait in the wing if there is any chance the marriage is unhealthy or if there is a chance he would leave for them.  I wanted to be disgusted but in the past 18 months I can really see how single women want married men; I've dated the single men and I am not overly impressed but I'm not looking for a husband.

I watched him staring at the door while people started to pour through it and approach the bar.  He looked at me and gave me a sideways smile just before he gave me a spiel that if any of them ask that we worked together at his previous company.  I have no idea what his previous company is and can only assume we are creating this lie to avoid him having to explain his secret open marriage...it fucking better be open.

The group was far too intoxicated to talk work so he just introduced me as a colleague and not another word was mentioned.  He could feel me staring at him once they left and flashed me his fabulous smile.  "It's open Natalie, we just don't want anyone to know".  I believe him, I have no reason not to.

Coaches and Classes X

I met Mike outside before the final act because I wouldn't get another chance to say good bye once the show was over and people started to flood the hallways and he started to wrap up the show.  I really have nothing much left to say to him and I know him, I know he is wallowing in his misery right now and he has no idea how much he loves it and is comforted by it because as soon as he sees a way out he slides back and chooses to stay unhappy.  I can hear his phone beeping and it is literally non stop, these two are what i like to refer to as madly in love...there is no logic only anxiety and unhealthy emotions neither has taken the time to understand or control.  I watched him stare off down the street that looked far too quiet to be in the heart of Manhattan.  He opened the door to let me back in but I didn't want to go back so I hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek...I already know the ending and I am certain he does too and as much as he tries to change it he can't because history will always repeat itself if nothing is done to intervene.

I grabbed my phone out of purse and read a message from Chris...I'm so excited to see him and lucky for me he is only a couple of blocks away.

Coaches and Classes VIIII

I stopped by Starbucks again to grab us each an iced coffee and it felt refreshing just to carry them in this heat.  I'm meeting Chris afterwards and he just so happens to be in the exact same situation as myself and I'm excited to go out for a bit with him.  I texted Mike to let him know my location so he could get me my pass and crossed over 49th hoping I could spot him in the large crowd...I could not.

He looked like hell and I imagine it is because he was up all night arguing with his girlfriend and then had to be back early for wrap up day.  I just wish he could figure his own shit out; if he took the time to put his own life together and get it on track then he would attract positive people or at least not become a nightmare for those that are ignorant to his demons.  I hugged him and handed him his coffee so he could wash down the cigarette he was puffing on.  I never said a word about her, I have no interest in making that mess mine but I do worry about him so I only ask about him.  We walked down the street to a steakhouse where he informs me that he is going to start smoking pot as a way to relax rather than drink alcohol.  I just faked a smile, I'll inform him of this new technique called therapy after I have had a little food to boost my sugar levels and suppress my bitchy comments.  

We sat in silence for most of dinner, I think he wanted it that way but also liked that I was right across the table so he wasn't alone.  He paid the bill and lit up almost before we were even out of the restaurant.  I noticed yesterday that he was smoking more than usual and I remember being like that when I was stressed out or heart broken, these days even the smell of smoke makes me nauseous.

I found my seat just before the finale started...at this point I was far more excited to see Chris than the show...

Coaches and Classes VIII

I left right after the show last night and was due back for 5pm today to catch the finale.  I laid in bed until late in the morning when I finally took Cleopatra for a walk and grabbed a coffee.  I spent most of the rest of the day writing and playing email tag with my coach.  I had to finish a column for the magazine I was writing for and continue the synopsis until it was perfected, which was starting to feel  tedious.  I took a break to stand on the roof and spy on the city that was taunting me from just across the river...I wished Clarence lived in the city rather than just across from it.  Mike texted me late last night to say he had ended things with that woman and I felt the irritation rise in me because I didn't know if it was because he didn't like the constant arguing or because he didn't want to get help with his demons...I didn't reply, I didn't have to because I'd see him later for dinner and the show.

I jumped in the shower to escape my writing and thoughts for a minute, I needed to step way so I could review later with fresh eyes and an unclogged brain.  Mike is consuming my thoughts these days and I wish I could help him...I guess sometimes just being a friend and support has to be enough.

I rifled through my suitcase and the one drawer Clarence cleared for me and found a sexy shirt and short pants to wear tonight...I almost forgot about my date after the show...

Coaches and Classes VII

I was watching him out of the corner of my eye pick up and put down his phone every ten seconds and even I was starting to feel irritated.  Who was this woman and what the hell was going on?  I thought for a few minutes about my place in his life now and then decided to open pandoras box into my own life.  It was easy to be a friend once the intimacy was dead and I try to keep in mind that Mike's demons run deep and he is likely not a victim of whatever is going on.  As he started explaining the situation with his girlfriend I couldn't help but feel like I had in high school when I would argue with whoever it was that I was dating.  I can't believe he still plays this game and gets so caught up in it like it matters.  I just sat there and nodded until I couldn't take it anymore, "Mike if you're that miserable then just leave".  It was so simple it was like he didn't even think about it as an option.  Mike is guilty of falling in love with anyone that he believes can give him what he has longed for in terms of a family and has no respect for the time and effort of the journey...his desperation is shining through with every year he ages and he grabbing at anyone who wants or is willing to have a family.  What he doesn't understand is that his own life is a nightmare that he has become comfortable living in and therefore does nothing to change it.  "She wants me to meet her son".  I could see a look in his eyes that he was happy and honoured that she would want that but I have a huge issue with this and I realize it's none of my business nor is it my place to intervene but I did it anyway.  "I don't think that's a good idea Mike".  He looked over at me and I placed my phone on my lap and gave him my undivided attention because he is about to contest my statement and I'm about to shut him down.  He sees this as a way to get closer to her and have a built in family....which I would support and happily encourage if he did even one thing to help himself overcome his alcoholism...but he hasn't.  I've lost all patience with his minimization of his addiction and I won't tolerate it anymore, it's one thing if he wants to sit in his dark apartment and drink himself sick but it is another when he inflicts his abusive behaviours onto unsuspecting women and their children.  I think he believes that if he had the family then he wouldn't drink but that isn't how addiction works...not after several years of use.  He brushed me off and I didn't fight it...I was heard and now he needs to decide what to do with the information.

Coaches and Classes VI

We sat in silence for a bit then entertained the evening with small talk until I felt like I was going to burst with irritation.  Mike and I knew many dark corners of each others lives so this little theatre project of pretending was not really working for me but I decided to let it slide until we made it through dinner.

We sat on the corner of 50th and 6th and people watched as his phone lit up every other minute and I could see his body tighten up every time he read the message or listened to an aggressive voice mail. I catch myself before I pounce to his defence and remember that he is a product of his own misery and is likely exactly where he likes to be...some people like the chaos of mad love...especially when they have never experienced anything else.  I looped my arm through his and laid my head on his shoulder while he chain smoked and fidgeted almost uncontrollably.  He didn't want to talk and I wasn't going to force the situation...not at this point anyway.

I followed him into the hall and stopped a few times to take pictures and just take it all in; Radio City is one of the only landmarks I have not been in and I prefer the lobby's grand staircase to the stage.  I finally found my way back to the seats with the production crew and sat beside him while he continued his emotional warfare with the woman on the other end.  "Natalie I just want to be happy and have a family".  Ugh, my heart sunk for him but this is his cycle and it's time for him to reach out and touch reality.  "Mike if you force the journey then the vision will always be skewed...respect the journey and the vision will paint itself".  He looked down at his phone and turned it off but I'm no sucker, I know when I am out of site then she is back in his mind and the unhealthy game of this relationship will continue...

Coaches and Classes V

I tried to use Cleo to help me train for the marathon but this dog loses all motivation after two miles and I can't really blame her considering the humidity.  She started to stumble around so I cut the walk short and took her back home where she could relax.  Truth be told I was not in any mood to run in the late afternoon, it was hot and made me feel like I was always in a warm bath.  I refreshed her water and helped her onto the couch while I grabbed a towel and headed back into the shower for a second time.  Cleo was passed out cold on her bed when I finished so I quietly moved around the apartment and got ready for my night at Radio City.

After six outfit changes and twenty minutes of pulling my hair up and letting it fall on my shoulders I was finally walking up 6th and thanking the gods for the light breeze that was pushing me down the street.  I stopped in at a Starbucks and grabbed Mike and I iced coffees, I know he loves them and it's the least I can do considering my next two nights are live entertainment, dinners and reconnecting with my old friend and fellow anxious soul.

The line up was enormous by the time I arrived and it was still only rehearsals.  I texted him then met him around the side doors for the production companies.  I wanted to say he looked great but he didn't; he looked thin with eyes sucked into the back of his head and I wondered if it was love, heartbreak or alcohol.  I handed him a coffee and flashed him my best smile...he knows I know and returned with a crooked embarrassed smirk that told me it was all three.  I looped my arm through his and we walked down 50th away from the crowd...

Coaches and Classes IV

I crawled into bed and Cleo jumped in right after me.  I felt drained and excited all at the same time, I decided to walk her later this afternoon before I headed back into the city to see Mike, we were going to dinner and he got me passes to watch America's Got Talent while he is working the show.  I haven't seen Mike for a very long time but the thought no longer made me feel anxious, he's my friend and I'm looking forward to catching up with him and enjoying the evening.

I laid in bed getting hypnotized by the fan, wishing for sleep but my mind was racing and trying to recall everything I wanted to write about.  leo was becoming impatient with me and I could hear her loud sighs of irritation every time I moved one way or rolled another.  I love the times when you just drift off to sleep slowly and can still hear and feel your surroundings like a meditative state.

Coaches and Classes III

I left her place feeling better, confident and ready to type the day away.  I still have no idea how to do this but I have a starting point and better than that she will be my content editor so I can throw up my thoughts and she can organize them.  The heat was killing me and my body was feeling drained but I was on such a high I could ignore it...for now anyway.  I turned west down 14th street and decided to head back to Jersey to nap and walk Cleopatra.

Until this very moment I believed that success was determined with a monetary value and not measured by the amount of happiness added to your life...but now I get it.  Whether or not my book is a NY Times Bestseller is irrelevant, it actually doesn't matter...writing makes me feel good and makes my soul sing, it's what I crave and want.  I'm a writer in NYC...I get to live my dream and no amount of money can replace that...

Coaches and Classes II

I'd perfected the art of hiding my fears...on the outside anyway.  I wondered if she took my anxiety as excitement over crippling fear.  There was so much going through my head like the fact that I have never wrote an entire book and the thought made my stomach turn and I started to have broken thoughts running through my head trying to remember everything and place it in order as if it had to be done in this minute...I was worried that even with a pen and paper I wouldn't be able to slow it all down to be able to write it out and make it flow.  I mean how do I take this jumbled mess in my head and sort it out on paper?  And even scarier is wondering how in detail she would want me to get when telling my story...I want my children to be able to read about how I chose some of my life for me but didn't want to give all the dirty details, I didn't think I needed to just to tell my story.  After all my story isn't about the men I slept with and all the wild adventures I went on and continue to seek out...well not all of it anyway...it is about giving up the belief of who I am 'supposed' to be and how I am 'supposed' to act and instead I wanted to focus on finding my edge and being able to comfortably walk along it, find my balance and finally live unapologetically...

Coaches and Classes

Her apartment was just as warm as the streets and it didn't seem to matter that the windows were open  and fans were blowing.  I flopped onto the couch and waited for her conference call to be complete with a woman in Israel...her clients run far across the globe.  I had my notes in hand complete with ideas, synopsis and page after page of my blog.  Today we are nailing down the format and brainstorming chapters to confer all corners of my book.  I heard her say good bye to the woman on the other end of the Skype call and I quickly straightened up and organized my papers that were getting blown around from the fan.

My coach has this amazing ability to pull ideas out of me and really stroke my creative muscle...perhaps I suppressed it all these years while trying to fit in.  She sat down across from me and I can see the wheels turning as she mumbles to herself and then lays down like were about to have a therapy session...her comfort makes me comfortable.  Her right hand is always in her hair and her half ideas come out in half sentences and before I knew it we were both scrambling to write everything down before it was lost by the next idea.  This is where I belong, this is where I thrive...this will be my home and one day I will live my passion full time....

Another Year Gone VIIII

Morning came far too soon and it felt like I had sand in my eyes, I could have slept for hours.  I opened the back door and walked out onto the roof, it was a good way for me to gauge the weather and dress accordingly.  It was humid and there was a thick smog hovering over the city with the Empire State building poking through.  I walked back in to feed Cleopatra and have a shower in the hopes that it would wake me up.

Any amount of clothes was too many and I was instantly uncomfortable.  I walked up the street to Kennedy BLVD and waited for the small bus to take me to Journal Square so I could then hop on the Path train...it was the fastest way to 14th street and I never minded the the hassle.  Clarence lives in a very eclectic neighbourhood and I love being there; I have never had an issue...even when I wasn't walking Cleo.

The train was air conditioned and I wanted to stretch across the empty seats to nap, unfortunately we will only collect people along the way to bring into the apple.  I just sat there with my eyes closed listening to the guy announce the stops and dreading the heat when we finally reached mine.  I climbed the stairs up into the streets and it is much cooler in the city.  I always feel disoriented when I come out of the subways and have to look for a landmark to to know which direction to walk...luckily NYC is not short on landmarks.  I found the Freedom Tower and crossed 6th...

Another Year Gone VIII

The process of getting to NY has become monotonous now and I find it tedious and boring with the only excitement being no delays or layovers although I do love the feeling of turning the corner at Pearson Airport and not seeing a ridiculously long line up for security.  I grabbed my bag in LaGuardia and made my way over to the counter so I could get a bus ticket to Port Authority; enough times doing this and I have found the fastest and cheapest way to get into the city and then across to Jersey.  Before I used to pay over a hundred dollars in cabs and tolls but now I have it down to under twenty bucks and it takes the same amount of time. 


It was late by the time I reached Clarence's and Cleopatra was bouncing off of the walls with excitement and probably too much pent up energy.  I left my bags in the kitchen and leashed her up for a late night walk and texted Clarence that I had arrived so he wouldn't worry she would be left alone too long.  After a long day of travelling the fresh air and stretching my legs would feel great...I could use a good sleep before my writing session in the morning.