Another Christmas XVII

We spent the entire day driving through the hills, walking the boardwalk in Venice Beach and eating some of the best tacos I have ever had. Kaila and her children spent the day doing their own things and I was relieved that after Trevor left she felt confident to go it alone since there was still so much for her to still see. We went back to the outlet mall and shopped around for a bit before meeting Kaila at the car rental drop off. I was ready to go home, we all were.

Kaila laid her carry on bags in a row and then flopped down on them. You could see the exhaustion in each of us, except the kids...the kids never seemed to run out of energy. We sat in a circle and enjoyed lunch together, reminiscing over the past few days and trying to organize the next few. I was leaving in just over a week to visit my father, he's back in the hospital. I rested my head on Dan's shoulder and closed my eyes...back to the depths of winter.

Another Christmas XVI

I was done, like completely fucking done with everything and everyone by the time 6pm hit. My feet hurt, I had zero patience left and was annoyed at the amount of people screaming at their children...how about if you're no longer having fun you pack your family back in the car and leave the happiest place on earth...that's what I did. How long does a four year old need there anyway? I'm good with the day and could use a large glass of wine and alone time...whatever that was going to look like with eight other people in the house. I swear to the heavens if I hear my name or 'mom' one more time from any person I am going to bounce my head off of the lamp post...why did I quit smoking?

Okay, it wasn't that bad, but it felt like that in the moment. By the time we were sitting in the car everyone was done with day so we decided on some In and Out Burger and a movie night back at the house. Kaila's husband, Trevor, leaves first thing in the morning to head back for work while the rest of us carry on and enjoy our last day before we head to the airport.

Another Christmas XV

I barely slept a wink. Not many people know this but I am a die hard Disney lover. It's not the movies, well not the new ones; it's the displays that cause the nostalgia that brings me back to my childhood. It's the vintage Disney that I get a sneak peak at, it makes me remember the Sunday evenings with my mom, dad and sister waiting to see what they would show for the movie, it's the musicals that my mother shared with us and my children...it's memories and really...what else do we have at the end of everything...memories.

I had the coffee brewing and was making toast like a breakfast ninja, we pile into the cars in less than an hour and I plan to spend the entire day in the Magical Kingdom. I packed my purse full of cash, granola bars and an empty water bottle...this girl does not pay $7 for water! My son has been to Disney a few times and in a few different countries so we were all excited for my daughter to experience her first visit.

Another Christmas XIV

I'm not the biggest fan of LA and can really take it or leave it but it works as a family destination with beaches, amusement parks, boardwalks, shopping and great food. We all piled into two cars and drove straight to an outlet mall so we could eat with several options for everyone and do a little shopping for the unseasonably cool weather. You could see the storm clouds roll in but no one cared, we were going to tour LA either way.

After hours of driving around, then walking around Hollywood and trying to accommodate everyone we decided to part ways. My family piled back in the car and headed for the Hollywood Hills while Kaila and her family bought tickets to the wax museums and all the other tourist traps my family has never enjoyed. I like travelling with people who don't need to be with me all fo the time and I knew from NY that Kaila was just fine going off on her own.

We ended up at LA Live where we enjoyed a great dinner followed by a police chase, on foot, which ended with the man running into on coming traffic and just out right beating the officers in an old fashioned foot race. His friends stood next to us and commentated so I wasn't surprised that the police gave up and let him run; I mean how much effort are they really going to put in to enforce jaywalking.

Another Christmas XIII

I was exhausted by the time we were finally settled into the house. We had a scare at the Vancouver airport when Kaila went out to have a cigarette and took all of her ID as well as her kids and left me standing in limbo not being able to go through customs and not being able to get back out. Finally after 30 minutes security located us and brought us to customs to meet her...it was a headache I didn't need or want. It didn't matter now anyway as all of the kids were fed and Trevor was on his way to the airport to pick up Dan...I imagine they will do a quick In and Out Burger run.

Kaila and I shared a bottle of wine in the back yard while the girls ran off there excitement of the day. It's a beautiful place in a quiet neighbourhood with an oversized yard. I heard the car doors close and gulped the last bit of my wine while Kaila finished her cigarette and poured herself another glass. Tomorrow we take on LA...

Another Christmas XII

3am came fast and it felt like I barely closed my eyes just as the alarms were going off. We arrived at the airport with time to grab breakfast and coffee before we boarded the plane. There was eight of us with Dan following later this evening. Luckily we were able to board first and get comfortable while we ate and discussed what we wanted to do for the vacation. It was already decided that our family's would not be always together, in fact other than sharing a house and a day at Disneyland, we all had different things we wanted to do with our respective family's...it was perfect. I hated the thought of going on vacations with friends and family only to discover they expect to be with you every minute of the day and agree on all activities...there is no way that happens effortlessly, and it's unnecessary.

I felt my daughter sink into me as she drifted back to sleep, we have a couple of stops before we arrive at LAX. I wrapped her up in my sweater and rested her head on pillow she brought. It felt great to be leaving the miserable cold weather...maybe this can be our tradition...for my family anyway. I reached back and held Kaila's hand while we taxied down the runway, I can feel her anxiety and see it in her face. I squeezed her hand for comfort then let my mind wonder.

Another Christmas XI

I was expecting my son and his girlfriend in the later afternoon, they were coming back to travel with us in Los Angeles. His girlfriend has been around since grade 5 so I invited her too and picked up the Disney tickets as a convenient gift. I was chasing my daughter around the house, her favourite game is when I pretend to be the evil step mother and chase her to clean up her things...she giggles the entire time.

I texted Kaila to confirm they would drive us all to the airport except Dan, he has to work tomorrow then will join us late evening. I threw the last of my things in a bag and placed it beside the front door, then chased her to make sure she's doing her own packing.

My thoughts keep moving to my father, it's difficult to ignore his circumstances and not at least try to find a way out...but there is only one way. I'm at that stage in my life where all of the adults I knew growing up are dying, aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends. My childhood feels like forever ago. I can close my eyes and remember how little I felt my father's arms, I was safe and loved, happy and whole, now I'm left with watching him slowly deteriorate and I am terrified that these memories will be what I am left with...at times I struggle to hang on to the others.

Another Christmas X

I called my father. I knew he would be at home alone feeling sorry for himself. I can't really blame him, sometimes depression feels like the only friend you have...especially when it is the one constant in your life. My sister didn't bother to go over and see him; she's likely tired of being turned down every time she offers anything. My cousins would have all called to invite him but I know my father, he would have said yes a month ago and just as easily blanked them today without so much as a second thought.

We caught up briefly, I checked in on his health and doctor notes and then told him about the kids and Dan and anything new. He always asks about my mother, I give him the condensed version and move past it. I wish he wanted more of his life, more than just sitting in a basement smoking cigarettes and drinking Diet Pepsi all day. He's dying, he knows it and I know...we all know it. Everything he has is in his apartment  and it's difficult to view that as anything but sad...he did so much in his life just to end up with nothing...I hope he lived.

I caught a tear trying to escape, I try not to cry for him anymore. He asked if I would come and visit, I agreed. Maybe next month when I'm in NY I could take the train up or a quick flight. I told him I loved him and hung up, I miss my father...the one who never gave up...

Another Christmas IX

It all took less than an hour. Kaila and her family showed up at 8am and together we helped the children find their way to their surprise. They screamed, cheered, laughed and jumped around, it was the exact reaction you hope to achieve when you put so much thought and effort into the perfect gift.

After they went back to their house we opened the rest of our gifts and started on breakfast. I loved holiday brunch, Dan goes all out and cooks anything we request. He has never been a fan of Christmas, apparently it was never been a big deal in his house but slowly he is coming around and I can almost see the holiday cheer in him these days...even without the rum in his eggnog. My daughter loves it, the more lights and decorations the better; we buy a couple new things each year to light up the house and yard.

I poured my second cup of coffee, walked over and sat down beside her while she was checking out  her new toys, I smiled as she held them up and showed me what she received...her beliefs and hopes are so pure and still in tact. I want to capture this because for a fleeting moment in her life...she has no idea that mom and dad are Santa...she still believes...

Another Christmas VIII

Kaila finished the Disney sign and was back in my house around 3am. We opened a bottle of wine and attempted to tape it to the television; it would be where their scavenger hunt ended. We decided to make it a game to build the anticipation, ending in front of the tree with 3 pieces of luggage, one for each girl along with some autograph books and a huge glittery sign covered in Disney. I always dreamed of this happening to me but it just never happened and that's okay because now I can do it for my children.

We sat on the couch with our feet up on the coffee table, sipping wine and taking in all of our efforts. Kaila has become like a sister to me, I love her like I have always known her. She has the ability to make my anxiety rest and in the wake of her own and together we have found a way to heal each other when it seems too much to do alone.

I hugged my friend and locked the door behind her. I walked up to my bedroom and crawled into bed beside my daughter. She rolled over and placed her hand on my arm, I placed my other hand over hers and drifted off...

Another Christmas VII

The days were filled with shopping trips, lunches and fun activities like skating and picking out our favourite decorations. I shop everyday on the last week leading up to Christmas, I always shopped with my mom for the holidays and I loved it every single year. I have so many wonderful memories with my mother, it makes me want to recreate them with my daughter and carry on the goodness.

Kaila and I were putting the final touches on our Disneyland trip for our families and trying to keep it all a secret until Christmas morning. I'm happy we're heading into the sun for New Year's, I can already feel the dreariness creeping up on me and the weight it holds. I placed a few more wrapped gifts under the tree and finished my glass of wine...Christmas changed for me and I just want it back...