The Writer V

Sometimes being passionate and emotional is about all I can take and other times I'm grateful for it because it allows me to just sit and type effortlessly.  My voice has become stronger and now I don't wake with anxieties that I won't be captivating, it doesn't really matter because I write for me...everyone else is welcome to follow along but it's not necessary.  Sometimes I finish before she even gets out of bed.  Writing fills a void in me like nothing else or no one else ever could.  I wonder if I was feeling the groundhog day cycle because my life actually was passing me by each day that I wasn't nurturing my desire to write.  Maybe I didn't need to open my marriage for excitement or purpose, perhaps just following through with your dreams is all it takes to fill the emptiness inside...I was what was missing from my life.  I imagine this is why addictions take such a strong hold, they allow us to forget or at least be okay with not living the way we want.  I am completely aware of my own escapes and distractions, even though I feel that I don't need others to feel whole, I really do enjoy all aspects of online dating to assist in my New York life...so...I finish my blog and rebuild my profile, not long until I'm back in the city.

The Writer IV

After this weeks session with Laura I felt strong again, sometimes reassurance that the storm has passed is the only thing I need to move forward.  I woke to a handful of emails from the magazine with travel plans, hotels, restaurants, events and a writing schedule.  It's almost surreal that I will be writing for a mag next week in New York City.  I've always dreamed of being a writer in NY and soon I will be.  I booked my hotel and extended my flights for a few extra days, I wanted to spend a couple of days alone...or with new friends.


I could hear her moving around upstairs so I grabbed a few of her favorite toys and set them up to watch us make pancakes.  She thinks I'm hilarious and I always try and give her as much freedom as possible to watch her grow.  She came into the kitchen in her princess pajamas, holding her blanket and a mess of curls. I handed her her apron and the wisk...I wish my son was here. 

The Writer III

I don't know how long I had been sitting in my car after the appointment, sometimes I lose time and everything comes rushing back into sight and brings me back to reality.  I read over the emails again and then deleted them.  There was no reason to respond, I said what I needed to and got what I wanted so there's no need to look back.  Laura said it's very normal for memories to be able to have the same strong emotional response and that over time I will become desensitized to it; perhaps living it, then writing about it will be enough to just forget about it.  It's not so bad I just want to make sure I address it sooner rather than later.  I took a deep breath and felt much better, like being restored to my natural balance.  I started my car and pulled out into rush hour traffic...looks like I'll have some extra time to myself.

The Writer II

I was sitting in her waiting room hating that I had to come back and knowing at the same time it would be helpful.  Since I started writing I have found myself in some of the same emotional struggles as when I was going through it all and I needed Laura to help me once again shine the light.   I started to feel the insecurities and fears like ghost emotions but with the real feel of them and I wanted to avoid the anxiety attacks and depressed state.  I attempted to pat myself on the back for seeing the signs and addressing them immediately but it's difficult to do when you are stuck in a cycle of self doubt.  I know this is not real and I am through the other side but I am never amazed by how my thoughts and feelings can pull me right back into the trauma.

I put my head down and tried to get lost in my game of Candy Crush but emails kept popping up and I knew the address...John.  A few days ago when I was either feeling sorry for myself or hating him I sent him the link to my blog.  I wanted him to know what our interactions looked like to me and I must have been fairly angry because I never even stopped to think about what that would mean for him and Mike.  Normally I would have deleted any correspondence from him, but not today.  Today I was sitting in Laura's office asking for help, so there may never be a better time to confront this.  I read three emails from him all pretty much saying the same thing.  Sometimes he shows signs of being a person without the switch and realizes that he cannot move in and out of lives without affect. His apologies were not disregarded in the least.  I believe he is sorry.  Maybe I shouldn't have given him the satisfaction of reading about my time with him and giving him a glimpse of himself through my eyes...but then again, maybe it wasn't for him.

I looked up and seen Laura coming down the hall...the clock starts now...

The Writer

Morning blogging was now a routine for me and I loved it.  My daughter would sit at the table with me and share her stories of what she was going to do for the day, the things she wanted to see and games she wanted to play.  I sit back completely captivated by her energy and happiness.  She is a power house of a personality and never fails to pull me into her imagination and world.  We lay out her play doh project and put on some music, she has her milk and I have my coffee.

I didn't always know what writing would mean to me, I always knew I was passionate and emotional with a desire to write but do I have to be 'good'?  When I decided to write about my journey I knew I could only do it if I started once I had come through the other side, otherwise it would be a mess of unfinished thoughts and unclear ideas.  Writing from memory has not been the challenge I had thought it would be and I guess you remember certain people and how they made you feel or impacted your life during that time.  If I miss something then I am inclined to believe that it didn't mean enough to remember.  I was not ready to relive the emotional roller coaster and find myself flooding my keyboard most mornings thinking back and feeling very much like I did when I was in my anxieties and fears.  My thoughts can trigger the darkness, but only as a memory and no longer a reality and that puts a smirk on face.

I looked over my screen and watched her unapologetically feed the dogs her snack mixed with play doh and I wonder how she will feel when she reads it...I hope she looks at me then, the same way she does now...

Baby Steps XXI

I was hardly refreshed after the flight, perhaps it was the lady next to me feeding her two year old soda to keep her entertained.  But, I was so excited to see my little lady I perked up quickly.  I have three and a half weeks until I'm in NY with the magazine and I'm looking forward to spending some time at home.  I texted the group to let them know I arrived safely.  I wondered if I would ever see them again knowing that it is highly unlikely.  Sometimes people enter your life for a short interaction and serve a purpose that you couldn't find anywhere else.  I realize now that Dan and I are not extreme in our lifestyles and like anything else it sits on a spectrum that holds no real purpose or significance.  I feel good and whole.  I threw my suitcase in the trunk and jumped in the back seat beside my daughter...she still plays shy sometimes and it makes me smile.

Baby Steps XX

I arrived home just in time to feed and walk the dogs, shower and pack my things.  I threw my things in the car and checked in for my flight to make sure everything was still on time.  The streets were starting to gather people and I was grateful for the little traffic that was accompanying me to the airport.  I wouldn't see Trevor this time, our flights would be passing in the air and he would arrive about a few hours after I parked.

I sat in the car, too tired to hurry.  What an amazing week, last time I was in Ottawa it was horrific.  I grabbed my luggage, straightened my scarf and made my way into the airport...six hours until I get home and I plan to sleep the entire way.

Baby Steps XVIIII

Board games...it was a gathering of friends to play board games.  The envelopes decided teams, I felt relieved and embarrassed all at the same time.  I opened the closet and hung up my jacket, I was really excited to be a part of this.  Everyone was wondering around and talking and having fun and a few drinks, and it was completely relaxed and I slid in effortlessly...I really like my new friends.  I missed Dan but knew if he was here that we would slowly gravitate to each other and the rest of the people would fade away, we have always been guilty of that and wondered if anyone else had ever noticed.  I don't think Dan and I would ever be the 'swingers' couple but I do know that I really enjoy the culture and people I have met in the lifestyle thus far.  I'm developing an appreciating for every walk of life and my goal is to just concentrate on my own life and be happy in it and not find ways to stress about how others live...I won't try to fit into an idea I don't share but I can still respect the idea.  I am seriously amazed at how many people live the way I want, Dan and I are hardly breaking new ground...it's amazing what you find when you open up and just let the world in...without expectations.  

I grabbed my beer and found my team for a game of bilingual Pictionary.  I took French everyday from kindergarten to grade nine and the only thing I can recall is how to ask to go to the washroom...and I don't feel like it will all come flooding back to me the more I drink.

Baby Steps XVIII

I took the dogs out one last time, checked my gloss, pulled on my boots and grabbed a scarf on my way out the door.  I decided to take a cab this evening so I could drink.  Initially I felt highly uncomfortable with these people and I realized it was me...not them.  I was uncomfortable with my own ideas of what they do and not even sure if I was even close to correct...not that it would matter.  They don't sit around discussing sex and preferences, they just hang out and have fun and their sex lives are never a topic...no more than mine is among my friends friends.  The idea made me uncomfortable...so I threw it out.  If I am not going to ask questions then there is no reason to dream up scenarios that may or may not be true, it only creates problems and stops me from enjoying who they are.  These people are great, they are funny, intelligent, open minded, well travelled and just nice.

I finally got to the house in Gatineau and it was stunning.  I was met with a beer and a small sealed envelope.  OMG what if this is the new age 'fish bowl'?  I walked into the living room to say hello to my new friends and meet some of their friends.  I was the last to arrive so we could finally open our envelopes...I was sweating and nauseous.  The beautiful blonde came and sat beside me on the couch, "I hope you're on my team".  And my only thought was...I don't think I shaved my legs...

Baby Steps XVII

I stared at my phone hoping it was somehow an old text but knowing that was not the case.  I thought about texting Mike and then decided against it.  It's been a long time since I spoke with him and didn't feel it appropriate to use our friendship as a way to gather information, besides he would know.  I typed several things to John and couldn't send it, afraid of what would happen if I did.  I wasn't prepared for this and definitely not prepared to ever talk with him again let alone see him.  I thought of strategies, lies and stories I could use and in the end...I'm not really interested anymore.  Maybe I'll see him in an airport during a layover and maybe I won't and I can't control that...but lunch will not happen.  I like my odds...I deleted him again and climbed back into bed, it's my last night in Ottawa and I'm going to go out with the group date.

Baby Steps XVI

I woke up on the couch, still surrounded by dogs.  It was close enough to 5am so I fed them and leashed them up to head out for a few minutes.  I'm still amazed at how vacant the city looks at this time of day, I cut Murk loose and let him wonder while Roxy looked up at me begging to get back to bed.  Dogs are funny, they just love and play, like children...it's natural and intoxicating.

I crawled into bed with my clothes still on and waited for the dogs to crawl in and secure me under the covers while they slowly stole my pillows and space.  I checked my phone...five messages from John.  Ugh, wtf is up with this guy?  Every now and then I think he has kicked rocks and then circles back around to test my boundaries and patience.  "Hey Irish I'm passing through your city tomorrow and heading to Ottawa, want to meet for lunch?"  I bolted out of bed, poor Roxy was startled but didn't take much for her to move right into my spot.  I don't want to talk to him but at the same time I really want to know his schedule.  Will he be here at the same time?  Will we meet while passing through airports?  Is Mike coming too?  Ugh, I almost forgot about that phase of my life...I hate ripping off band aids...

Baby Steps XV

Two more days to go and I would be back at home for a few weeks before heading back to New York with the magazine to work on our winter issue.  Writing became my favorite form of therapy although I was not ready to get rid of Laura just yet.  I found something in myself that I packaged up and hid away for a very long time.  Writing is this beautiful outlet that lets me open up and free my fear, it has opened my mind and stolen my anger and anxiety.  I used to be afraid to write because then people would see through the window of my words and then the more I would write the less I cared and the more I wanted to write.  I shouldn't need anyone or anything to validate me, but being a part of the magazine and creating with these people makes me feel strong and confident...not because of what they think...but because I am comfortable with myself.


I sat on the couch with a dog on each side knowing I could easily find a date for the night but not really interested in moving.  The group date texted me a few times, they wanted me to come to an 'event' and I couldn't even imagine what that would look like.  I put my feet up and turned on the TV...Murk laid his head on my lap and Roxy put her paw over my hand...looks like I'm staying in.

Baby Steps XIV

I was halfway home singing my heart out in the car and relieved I got what I needed.  A scout doesn't appease parents and embarrass a family, if a scout signs on then there is a reason.  There is always that little voice in the back of my head asking what I plan to tell my son if hard work and determination do not pay off...I pray, I'm not entirely sure who I pray to, but I pray.  At this point I'm just happy the end result will be in his hands.

I changed directions and made my way downtown to wonder around and enjoy the city.  My phone was still going off but I wasn't interested in anything right now outside of myself.  I grabbed a coffee and a gluten free pastry that tasted like biting into a bag of flour and did some window shopping.  I think I can be the independent woman and wife successfully, both enjoying my single life while completely in love with my family life.  I can feel the passion return for my husband and although I have always been in love with him there was always the fear that once the passion dies and sparks no longer sparkle and you are left without the butterflies and excitement that it will never come back...mine is returning.  I want to date him again...

Baby Steps XIII

I relaxed a little once I could see Neil's face while watching the highlight tape.  I know I'm biased, I wouldn't even try to deny it but that doesn't mean he is not legitimately good.  I sent him the video to share with a few coaches in the area.  I finished my coffee and felt all the anxiety rush back and there's a sharp realization that there will never be enough drugs to drowned out the anxieties I have around my children...but I imagine I am not alone as a parent.  I couldn't leave here without some direction or insight or any new information that would stop my mind and heart from racing.  He continued with the regular run of the mill statements that sounded robotic and maybe before I would have smiled and nodded but now now.  "Neil, am I about to spend a lot of time and man power for nothing?"

Baby Steps XII

Neil was amazing from from the beginning.  He was almost too relaxed and part way through my coffee I wanted to shake him into seriousness.  The last few weeks has me sick to my stomach wondering about my son's football future so when he's giving me his best stand up routine it takes everything in me to laugh politely.  He really was funny and entertaining and during any other time I would have been lost in his act but right now I want to know the odds and likeliness of him playing for a division 1 team.  Perhaps what's worse will be having the knowledge that he can play at the next level and all of the paranoid thoughts I had that coaches were fucking him over will be validated.  I wonder how many others go through this and never find out, always taking the word of the coach and never challenging authority.  I take comfort knowing that if he makes the team then he has a scout that is in his corner and has been in the game for a long time and can play all of the political bullshit required.  My only request when it was all said and done...I want him to play because he has outplayed and out worked his competition, and not because his scout played for the same coach.  I just need the scout to open the door...I'm confident ten years of hard work and determination will secure his spot.

Baby Steps XI

I barely got four hours of sleep before I had to rise and shine, hit the showers and head out to meet this assistant for my sons scout.  I wish I could turn my phone off as it starts to sound like an alarm going off every few minutes but I leave it incase my appointment calls.  I'm consumed with this meeting, barely able to sleep and praying to any god that I can help my son continue his dream to play football.  If it comes down to hard work and finances then I'm certain he will make it but I don't know the politics just yet on this side of the country but what I do know is that this particular scout knows how to play them and win.

I pulled up to the diner, laid my head on the steering wheel and said a little prayer.  I applied some gloss and pulled myself out of the cobwebs...I just need them to open a few doors...I know my son will leave it all on the field and be a serious contender if he's given a fair shot.  This kid works out, has a nutritionist and does drills until he has perfected them.  Ten years of hard work, never having a father as a coach and showing up every single day like he had a fair shot while the rest of us knew it was the work of his positive mind along with kind but empty words thrown around by coaches.  He wants to know if he is good enough to play...I think we need fresh eyes on him.  I opened the door and found Neil in a corner booth...

Baby Steps X

I got home just in time to take the dogs out for their 5am walk and breakfast.  I looked like the walk of shame, more than grateful I didn't actually carry any shame with me.  I brushed my teeth and washed my face before grabbing my computer and crawling into bed.  I laid under the covers staring at the ceiling feeling lost again...or alone, I'm not always sure and try not to dive in too far.  Sometimes I just want to crawl back into my suburban box and put in a lasagna and pretend I love that life...but I'm more of a bourbon mom that can't cook.  I didn't even bother to open the computer, I spooned the dogs and drifted off...missing Dan and giggling wishing he was here to experience this with me.

Baby Steps VIIII

* I apologize for being so late.  I completed the NYC marathon...my very first one.


I stood by the sink wanting to cry and trying not to laugh.  I wish Dan was here with me, he wouldn't know what to do anymore than I do but with him at least I could share in the hilarity of this mess.  The blonde walked in a few minutes behind me and started checking her make up, I just stood in silence hoping I was somehow invisible.  She is really nice and kind, not abrasive or aggressive in the least, I can see why my date is in a relationship with her.  She looked over and smiled at me, "how about we just go out as a group of friends?"  Like as opposed to the orgy they assumed I would want to be a part of?  I just nodded knowing I could easily make a break for it once we hit a club or bar and I am truly hoping it is not a swingers bar or club.  I grabbed my purse and followed her back out into the restaurant where she proceeded to sit on my dates lap and feed him his dinner.  WTF kind of twilight zone have I entered...and all of a sudden Evan isn't looking too crazy.  Even as I sat there and played with the food on my plate I felt like I was in an awful lucid dream.  The four of them interacted like it was a typical night out...look who's judging now...ugh.  I ordered a drink and decided to play nice and make some friends...I'm confident enough to be out of my comfort zone and still survive.