Writer on the Run IX

I laid in bed long past my alarm, trying to talk myself either into or out of running. I always have the best days when I run in the mornings but that does little to launch me out of bed and into my shoes. I rolled over and smiled at my husband who was still asleep. We stayed out later than we should have last night and had the extra drink that made us reminisce about our days fresh out of school and living in an oil town. I can still see the same look on his face that was there when we first met...I still make him smile and fall in love. I leaned over kissed the palm of his hand then rubbed my nose over his before getting out of bed.

I grabbed my running gear and quietly made my way down the stairs to the front door. The dogs were looking at me like they hadn't eaten in a month or walked in days, I rolled my eyes and grabbed the leashes while they bounced off of walls with excitement...Django is less than excited these days but she is getting old. I remember the day Dan and I rescued her over nine years ago; I put her collar on and kissed her nose...we'll take it easy for her.

Writer on the Run VIII

It was the slowest ten kilometres I had ever run but I was pretty happy I completed it without much pain.  My arches felt much better but I could now feel a pinch in my right knee after seven kilometres. Upgrading shoes helped my arches and now I have to see about my knees...ugh I felt the mountain start to build in front of me and with it came feelings of discouragement. Maybe I was running too much...maybe you can't cram for a race like you can for a test.

I was still sitting on the front steps when Dan drove up, that man can spread a smile across my face instantly and I was excited to tell him that I could run again...for now. He walked over and sat down beside me so we could talk about the day and make out on our front step. I know he wants to be there for me when I cross the finish line but it's just not possible this year due to his schedule...I don't hold that against him. He offered to buy me dinner if I let him shower with me...deal!

Writer on the Run VII

I stood in my closet contemplating putting my new shoes on or waiting a few more days to find out if my feet were finally recovered. I pulled them down and started lacing them up; either way I need to start breaking them in if I plan to wear them on race day.  I had finally reached my sponsorship goal and raised the money I needed, a large part of that was thanks to my brother Trevor who is easily manipulated through my begging and whining. He's always been a big support in my life and encourages me to do whatever it is I want...good or bad.

They felt like a glove over my feet and it felt great to wear them...but the real test will come with actually running. I grabbed my iPod and headed for the streets, I need to know what my next few weeks leading up to the run will look like. I really don't want to walk the race...but I won't sit out. Turn up the tunes and take it easy...I can run through pain but not injury...

Writer on the Run VI

My knees and the arches in my feet were sore and aching on a daily basis and even running five kilometres was painful. I decided to not run for a week in the hopes that they would relax and be able to restore to a healthy condition otherwise I fear I may have to walk all forty two kilometres or worst...sit out. I looked up and read anything I could find online regarding my pains and all said to stop running until the pain subsided...but how long would that take? I decided to upgrade my shoes and do as many stretches as I could in the hopes that I could speed up the recovery process, which I am not even sure is possible. I was scared I would have another unfinished dream attached to my life if I didn't recover; it's difficult not to slide into negative thoughts...sometimes old habits die hard. I placed my new shoes in my closet, still in the box and unlaced...it's time to rest and relax, hope and pray...

Writer on the Run V

Thirty two kilometres later and I wanted to die or felt like I was anyway. I had been training on my treadmill and this was the last big training run before the big day. I was feeling emotional these days leading up to the run, but it was good emotion...like I was finally walking my talk. My son was meeting me in NYC for a few days and would be at the finish line watching me and I couldn't think of a better support for this accomplishment than him. My son has trained most of his life for football so I was proud to be the mom that ran and took my own athletic abilities seriously...regardless of how little I had. I have heard many people say that the person who starts the race is not the same person who finishes the race and I am excited to see how much further I evolve into my own person.

I stepped in the shower and cried, not because I was sad but because I knew that if I could run thirty two kilometres then I could run forty two and it's becoming very real. I don't view all my tears as sadness anymore...sometimes I just feel happy and it needs to come out...so I cry and enjoy the feels...

Writer on the Run IV

I was feeling on top of the world these days. I laid down very strict boundaries with Mike, was running six days a week and my mood was positive. I loved being home with Dan and could feel a sense of calm normalcy in my life...although some may argue what is normal to me is not the trend outside of my life...so be it, I no longer cared. I was surrounding myself with people who made me better and were positive, never engaging in gossip or ugly behaviours and I was not sad to let that part of my own character fall away from me. My life is good and I can see how all corners of it come together to fill my cup...so what if old friends left, not everyone comes through every stage of my life anyway.  The friends I stand with today are a perfect representation of who I am and where I am in life and every last one I personally chose.

I laced up my shoes and leashed the dogs, I didn't feel like running today so I decided to walk the dogs and enjoy being outside...because that's who I am now...someone who does what she enjoys...

Writer on the Run III

I met my old friend from work that I used to run regularly with, we lived in the same neighborhood and he agreed to be my training partner.  This man has competed in and finished more races than anyone else I know...probably more than every other runner I know combined. 

We met at the traffic circle between our houses so we could run for the first time together since before I had my daughter.  We're starting off with a quick five kilometers just so he could assess where I was in my training...trust me he was not about to be blown away.  I forgot how much he liked to talk while running, meanwhile I can barely breath or even catch a breath.  I was starting to feel a touch worried.  I had hoped to do the marathon in four and a half hours...well until I learned that he had never finished one that fast. I know he started his running later in life so the three hour or four hour marathons were likely not in his future but here I was doing the same thing so I think I may need to reach out and touch reality.

We arrived back at the traffic circle almost thirty minutes later doing my best to keep composed and not throw up in the bushes.  We decided to meet three times a week to train together and slowly the anxiety of not feeling prepared dissipated.  I walked down the street and around the corner...where I layed on a neighbors lawn for a few minutes waiting for my legs to stop shaking...the treadmill is nothing like running on concrete...

Writer on the Run II

I told myself I would wake at 6am and do my running in the morning before Dan left for work...well that's what I told myself. I preferred morning workouts because I'm a morning person and that time of day sets my tone for the rest of the day. Everyday up until that day I was awake around 6 am and just used the time for myself to read, play a game or get some writing in but as soon as I made the commitment to myself to spend that time running it was like I was completely sedated each and every morning...like my body could not get enough rest...and if my body lacks motivation then my brain will make justifications for it and slowly put me right back into the dream I was woken from. I had to laugh at myself; I mean here I was, a woman in her mid-thirties finally running the one marathon I desired to do and I'm not really sure why since I've never identified as a marathoner...perhaps it was a status and bragging rights I had always wanted.  An accomplishment that was just mine, something I did for me...something I finally followed through with.

Writer on the Run I

I laced up and grabbed my iPod before stepping out onto my front step.  At this point I had abandoned any training schedule and decided to run once or twice a day hoping that would be enough to make the race comfortable. I was starting to feel scared and anxious the closer the day came and with each day I sat out of training the easier it became to not train at all. Now with twelve weeks left I decided to actually try and at the very least rid myself of the stress of procrastinating too long. Years ago I trained with a gentleman from my office who competed in ultra marathons and just so happened to live in my neighbourhood. I decided that I would text him after my run and hopefully he would let me be in his running crew to help increase my speed. I have always been guilty of this type of behaviour...signing up for something extreme, not training properly and doing it anyway...reminds me of school and telling myself each year that I will study more and not cram for exams...and then sit there before each exam cramming as much information into my brain as possible in a ten hour study period and hoping that when it falls out of my brain it will be on my exam papers.

I stretched as I walked down my street still thinking about Mike and writing emails in my head like a constant thought. I put my ear buds in and turned up my music, the next twelve kilometres are going to feel like a painful eternity if I don't have energized legs today...I crossed the street into the park and slowly took off down the trails...

Finding My Limits XII

He just sat there nodding his head every once and a while and never offering a word.  I needed to make it known that I am not afraid of Mike, I am afraid for him...in all of my mental health struggles with anxiety I have never once thought about loading a gun or leaving this earth without a fight. Mike's level of depression is far beyond my level of comprehension and it's time that I acknowledge that and stop thinking that he is attention seeking or bluffing...he is hurt and reaching out...I just don't know how to save him or if I can. Mike is stuck in his own life and believes that someone other than himself can save him with a family and never considers that a healthy relationship isn't even possible until he does the work to become healthy.

I picked up my coffee and took a sip before making eye contact with Dan, hoping he would have all of the answers...he doesn't. He tells me what I already know...the friendship has to change, the dynamic and the rules. Dan's concern is me, although he has so much compassion for my friend knowing that very little separated us in our struggles...perhaps the only game changer was Dan.

Dan left for work and I sat at the table mentally preparing for my interaction with Mike. This was not going to be a negotiation, I won't negotiate with those who try and manipulate my own emotions regardless of intention. I pushed my plate across the table and rested my head on my folded arms...back to training...the race is approaching and I can no longer become distracted from my own life. At some point he has to want to live a different version of his life and until that day arrives I am merely a pen pal and positive support...he'll be okay...as was I.

Finding My Limits XI

Morning therapy with Dan felt like a lifetime time ago but it's nice to know his ears are never closed to me.  I was pushing my eggs around the plate and nibbling on gluten free toast that even butter couldn't save.  Initially we talked about my dreadful training program for the marathon coming up but the thought of this terrified me and brought on anxiety like a freight train, I just had to keep telling myself that I just needed to finish.  I have always dreamed of running this race so I finally said it out loud and took the step...I will run, walk or crawl but I will step over the finish line...or die trying.  I watched him out of the corner of my eye place his fork on his plate and take a drink of his coffee, he won't say anything, but this is my opportunity if I need to talk.  I followed suit and put my fork down...it's one thing for me to pour my emotions all over him but it's another to fill his plate with someone else's... 

Finding My Limits X

Dan was asleep when I crawled in beside him. I liked to watch him sleep and enjoyed his calmness; he washes away my anxieties and makes me feel like everything will always be okay.  Over the past several months we have taken the biggest risks with our marriage and friendship and managed to only make them stronger...I didn't even know it was possible. I guess you never know the strength of anything until it is tested and if it passes then you're left with a sense of safety and security that feels impenetrable.  He opened his eyes when I lightly slid my hand into his and I love the way I can still spread a smile across his face just from being in the same room.  I'll wait until morning to tell him about my week and hear about his...but, for tonight I just wanted slowly fall asleep with my husband.

Finding My Limits IX

Karen was delayed picking me up from the airport which gave me the time and space I needed to read what was waiting for me.  I decided that regardless of his words I would stick to my plan to strengthen my boundaries in our friendship. I have joked in the past about having a support group and playing therapist to others I have found on dating sites but he is for real and I am not qualified to do anything but listen and guide him towards help. Alcohol has become his fuel and gives him the courage he needs to continuously be a victim...and he is a victim...but he is also almost forty years old and does nothing to change that part of his life.  

I finally turned my phone off of airplane mode and watched the emails load up. The first five were written only minutes apart; they were full of hateful thoughts towards both of us. It bothered me more that I was becoming desensitized towards his abusive behaviours and was able to roll my eyes and move forward.  Three hours after his fifth email he sent one apologizing for his angry outbursts, photos and mean words...he must have sobered up.  It's difficult for me to stay angry with him because mostly I feel so sad that he still lives like that little boy and can quickly identify with him. I stopped myself from responding because I would need to be careful not to minimize his behaviour but also wanted to be sensitive towards how he would be feeling.  It's time to implement new boundaries...but first I just want to go home, see my family and enjoy the best part of my lives...

Finding My Limits VIII

I was sitting at my gate in Toronto about forty five minutes before boarding debating whether or not to start checking emails.  If I open them then I know I will feel the strong need to defend my stance...or I can delete them all and block him from reaching out to me.  I wasn't sure anymore if I was strong enough to be the sort of friend he needed.  It's one thing to have someone you can lean on and is a healthy friendship...it's another when you start to threaten your own life and hurt the other constantly just out of self loathing.  I'd have to put new boundaries on our friendship if I stayed because I won't get dragged down or sucked into his vortex of misery.  It used to be easy to wallow in his pain and bring my own along for good measure but those days are behind me now and I find it difficult to appreciate his any longer.

I turned my phone back to airplane mode and walked into the bar for a drink; he's taken enough of my time for the week and I feel emotionally bankrupt when it comes to him these days. Only a few short hours before I'm climbing into my own bed and I ache for that side of my life...