Finding My Limits XII

He just sat there nodding his head every once and a while and never offering a word.  I needed to make it known that I am not afraid of Mike, I am afraid for him...in all of my mental health struggles with anxiety I have never once thought about loading a gun or leaving this earth without a fight. Mike's level of depression is far beyond my level of comprehension and it's time that I acknowledge that and stop thinking that he is attention seeking or bluffing...he is hurt and reaching out...I just don't know how to save him or if I can. Mike is stuck in his own life and believes that someone other than himself can save him with a family and never considers that a healthy relationship isn't even possible until he does the work to become healthy.

I picked up my coffee and took a sip before making eye contact with Dan, hoping he would have all of the answers...he doesn't. He tells me what I already know...the friendship has to change, the dynamic and the rules. Dan's concern is me, although he has so much compassion for my friend knowing that very little separated us in our struggles...perhaps the only game changer was Dan.

Dan left for work and I sat at the table mentally preparing for my interaction with Mike. This was not going to be a negotiation, I won't negotiate with those who try and manipulate my own emotions regardless of intention. I pushed my plate across the table and rested my head on my folded arms...back to training...the race is approaching and I can no longer become distracted from my own life. At some point he has to want to live a different version of his life and until that day arrives I am merely a pen pal and positive support...he'll be okay...as was I.