Now What? II

I feel like the holidays just kinda snuck up on me. We go away each year now because of the neighbors...2 years ago when the SWAT team was crawling across my cars and lawn was enough for me. I live in suburbia where depression over the holidays almost feels stronger or more pronounced. It only took one Christmas Day of sitting in my basement to really see how awful the holidays can be for others. Last year the SWAT team was back out for someone else a few streets away...no neighborhood is free from this pain regardless of income.

I think in the new year I will start to push my book with marketing and finding as many avenues as possible to sell it. I have booked some signings and many book stores are allowing me to bring my book into their store after the holidays...it's a start! Part of me wants to dive right back into writing and the other part is pushing me back and wanting me to give everything I can right now to my family, and I think that's more than fair.

Now What? I

I'm not rich and famous yet...crazy I know. I spend a lot of my days taking my book into stores wherever I can. I was a little shocked at how easy it is regardless of the size of the store or the name. I've managed to crack into a few small book stores and even some bigger ones like Chapters... it's okay to be surprised, I was too.

It's still a little surreal to me but I imagine it will be for a little while longer. I struggled a lot with my confidence throughout the book, not because of the content but because of my writing skills...or lack of.  I was never good with grammar and to be fair I haven't done much to rectify that. Another issue I have is that I have a small vocabulary...at least I think I do. I still spend time looking up definitions and trying to find the right words to capture what I need to say. It's always been a struggle for me, but for some reason, I just accept it and move through as best I can.

I'm heading back to NYC next month with my daughter, we love when the city is lit up from the twinkling lights, decorations, Christmas Tree and department store windows. I'm hoping I can draw some inspiration from the city I love so I can dive back into creating.

Running...But Not Away XI

I thought I would be screaming my book to the world more. Annoying everyone on every social media platform I could find, but I'm not. Maybe it's just the relief of completing my story and releasing it to the world, I just think it's one of those books that the people who need it will find it and I can carry on with my other book...you must know there is another, there will always be another. A few book stores have agreed to carry my book, one has booked me for a authors signing and slowly I will make my mark and in the meantime I just keep writing...

Book Released!!!

Thank you to all who have followed my blog, I hope you will continue to. Yesterday I published "Crazy On The Inside, A Memoir of Nobody Special". It is available on Amazon and KU and although it is similar to the blog it is also very much different and more detailed in my adventures.

I appreciate all who have helped and supported me, if you decide to get the book then I would like to extend my gratitude and if you decide not to and meet me back here for entires then I appreciate that too.

January will be 5 years since I started this blog...I'll get back to it as soon as a little of the dust settles and I figure out my sites.

Thank you again...much love and appreciation.

Available in paperback and ebook!

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1701860201

Running...But Not Away X

Final edits arrive tomorrow and then all that's left is formatting before I upload my manuscript onto Amazon. My cover is done and I couldn't be happier. I designed my vision and hired an artist to bring it to life...it's all so unreal. Years before I ever opened my marriage or had my youngest I wrote on a piece of paper that I would call my book "Crazy on the Inside, A Memoir of Nobody Special", always feeling that way because I never fit in but never knowing exactly how I would address it or come to terms with it...and then I changed my life and the pieces all fell into place. It's almost like I was writing the book in reverse.

I've started to research book festivals and trade shows all over the world. I gave up the agent so now it's all up to me to market and sell my story...and it's worth every last breath just to be able to tell my truth rather than their lies.

Running...But Not Away IX

I closed the blinds today. The ones that look at my neighbours house...I closed them. I don't think I ever closed them, always afraid it wold make me a prisoner in my own home I left them open for the others to be uncomfortable and never give an inch. I closed them because leaving them open only hurts both and I don't want to contribute to that any longer. I keep thinking that if I would have prayed and wished for them to do better then I wouldn't be looking at them again...but here they are. I want to forget I ever knew them, I want to forgive all the trauma they caused us and more than that I just want to move on...for everyone to be able to move on.

The wheels of my writing are moving, even if they are grinding. I was asked to be a contributing writer for another woman's book...she's famous. I don't know if they will choose my essay but I was asked to submit one so I wrote one and emailed it last week.

I was back in NY last week and met up with Joseph, it was nice to know we could still laugh together and be friends. He looked good, happy and healthy like he used to be. We had dinner and wandered through the city laughing while remembering all the fun we had over the past few years.

Now I sit and look out my back window waiting on final edits, it's so close to being able to fly...

Running...But Not Away VIII

I've finally pulled up my manuscript and started to delete all of the lies, line by line. In the first 50 pages, I completely red-lined almost every sentence and reconstructed it back into the truth. I guess I'm a bit nervous about changing it back, I wonder if people will care about my story if it's not full of glitz, glam, and sex...or if they would care at all.

It's funny, as I come down the final stretch and take the last corner to publish my book I become hesitant. We all have a story to tell, but does it need to be written or read? I've gone back and forth on this so many times I'm dizzy with worry and doubt, but I don't want to ignore or try and forget all of my hard work. I've said it before, so I'll say it again...I write for me, but you are welcome to read. This is pretty much how I have come to terms with writing my story...this is for me, but I'm happy to share.

Running...But Not Away VII

I've started reading the Chakra Bible as a way to keep the negative energy out and really push through the positive. I feel like I am so sensitive to other people's energy that I tend to take it on and then drown in it like quicksand I can't escape from. If I could learn to not take on other people's emotions and energies then I think I can fully embrace my life and move through it without other's tripping me up. I think there is something to be said for those who channel their energies and know how to block what they don't want. A negative comment, an opinion, a mean word can still destroy me and leave me living in my head for days, losing sleep and feeling sick...that needs to change and I am willing to try anything to get there. Overall I do many positive things in my life from running to volunteering to traveling but still, I know other people can toss a stone into my tires and throw me off track. I can't stop people from doing this so I am trying to take a proactive route by learning to block it, to ignore it and to move on without letting it touch me. I tend to give people too much power over me and my emotions, not intentionally, it just happens and so it's up to me, and only me, to take it back.

If happiness is truly a choice then I have made mine...

Running...But Not Away VI

I'm finding it diffuclt to concentrate on my fitness and enjoy it. I feel sore and discouraged with every mile. Sometimes you have legs for days and others it's a grind...lately it's been a grind. I have to pull myself out of my funk, it's not anxiety, it's just a general feeling of blah that I need to get out from under. I'm at the point where I want to, want to, run but I dont so I choke it down and do it anyway. Runing out the negativity has always been my best defense.

I keep flipping through my manuscript, wondering what to do with it, how I will adjust and what will vanish forever. Whatever I decide I have to be okay with it...today, tomorrow and forever. I need to make the adjustments sooner rather than later and give it weeks to marinate in my mind. I've started to develop different back stories and names for the people who I want to talk about but not necessarily want everyone else to know about. The story is about me and only me...I don't want this to change their lives and only I will know who is who.

I can never go back and write this part of my life so it has to be perfect for me...athough I hope you will all read.

Running...But Not Away V

Getting a book cover done is not as easy as I would have hoped. Now I am shopping a bit, scouring porfolios and talking with more and more designers. I like Carlos and his work is good but I haven't seen him do the style I want and before I dish out over $400 American dollars I want to see at least a loose sketch...but he won't. I've talked to another designer in Kentucky and he has agreed to show me three different ones and if they are on the course or if I feel that he can get my vision then I will sign my contract with him.

A few years comes down to the next few weeks and all I can do to contain my excitment is run it out at the gym. It's weird I've developed a fear of running outside, like it would feel too difficult or scare me. I gotta get over that quick though because I'll need some pavement miles before I get off the bus in Staten Island. I don't feel like I'm getting faster and it might be because I'm not a fan of running winded but I gotta pull up my socks and dig in or I'm looking at another lengthy marathon.

Running...But Not Away IV

New York killed me with the heat. After I got home I felt drained and sick but I still managed to cycle over 27 miles yesterday. I've been working with Carlos on designing my book cover and slowly the vision is coming to life and my excitement is hardly containable. I still have a lot of editing to do but it doesn't feel so overwhelming anymore, it's exactly what I want to be doing...the clock is set and within weeks I should be ready to bring it all to life and send it out on Amazon.

I've decided to hide the people in my book even further into their disguise because I don't want to marry anyone to my book and I want it to be timeless to me...words that will never turn sour in my mouth. This way no one is haunted by it; it's my story to tell and they have every right to write their own if they so wish.

Between the book release, the marathon and getting ready for the new school year my life is busy in all of the best ways possible.

Running...But Not Away III

Things feel differently now, I no longer feel like I have the weight of the world holding me down. I'm happy...it's been so long since I felt this happy. I'm going back to class, it starts in September and I feel it's exactly where I need to be. I met with an artist and he agreed to create my vision and paint my book cover within the month...about the exact time I need to put the finishing touches on my manuscript. The thought of being an indie author is exciting and liberating, I want it all to be mine and I'm no longer going to be flexible on that.

I ripped the band-aid off and reclaimed Manhattan...it's everything I remember and love. It seems only fitting that I launch my book from there so I'm meeting Carlos next month and together we are tossing my words and his artwork into the universe for the world to see...I'm nervous, it's a good nervous.

I miss Joseph and I wish it didn't have to be all or nothing, but he has never done it any other way. I didn't realize that the day I wanted our relationship to change would be the day he locked me out, friendship and all. I didn't believe our friendship was only connected through our intimacy so when one ends it all ends and it feels like I lost two people. My life was never a secret, never hidden, there were no false promises, no thoughts of a future...it was all an adventurous affair but never once did I lose sight of my life, never once did I promise anything more and never once did I make him believe that we would ride off into the sunset. One day the anger may stop, the hurt may fall away and the sadness may not feel so heavy and maybe one day he will remember that the best part about us was always our friendship...it never had an expiration date but our intimacy always did. I hold onto hope that one day he will want to be part of my life again and so I leave that door open waiting for him to walk through.

Everything comes to completion...and then you start a new chapter...a new book...a new adventure...

Running...But Not Away II

Between cycling and treadmills I am doing about eighty miles a week. I also do all of the core and stretching twice a day just to relax my muscles and I have become quite the gym rat...except I don't flex...well, not yet. I started to feel really lethargic last week and went to my doctor for tests. I completely forgot about my anemia and felt frustrated that not only would I have to take a pill again but it would take up to three weeks for me to feel the affects. She's not convinced that's all it is so she's running tests on my kidneys, thyroid and heart. I now have a cereal bowl of vitamins I take every morning and adding the red iron pill makes it look a bit more festive.

I'm starting to think about NY again. I'm dreaming about it almost nightly and I visit my pictures daily. I remember my love of Manhattan, the sounds, the streets, the people and the food. I think about my coach a lot and my writing class...it's starting again soon and I am seriously considering taking it again.

I've locked down my work and stopped querying agents...my story is ready and I don't think I care to share the credits with an agent. I have a meeting to self publish and it is the only thing that excites me about publishing my book anymore. When I weigh out the pros and cons it just means more to me to have my story told by me in my own way. The last thing I changed was the title, mine was always my favorite part because it spoke to me and represented how I felt so I threw theirs out...Married and Single at the Same Time is gone, I tossed it out with the lies...

Running...But Not Away I

My training is in overdrive and I'm bouncing between the gym and my house a few times a day. I really want to run fast and steady this time and cross somewhere in the four hour area. The last time I ran I met an amazing woman while crossing the 59th street bridge and I made the decision to walk with her rather than run on my own. She found out a couple of days before the race that she was pregnant and didn't feel that she would finish, she contemplated just walking off the course and heading back to her hotel. Her parents and friends were either running the marathon or cheering her along from the streets but didn't know her news...I was the only one, except for her husband, who knew she was pregnant. With each mile we walked together she became confident that she could finish and with each mile I wanted to support her, it became more important to me that we both finish rather than just beat my time from the year before.

This year is for me though, this year is my game changer and if I can do it in the time I want then I agreed to run next year for the 50th anniversary. I can feel my body getting stronger everyday, I can feel myself elevate and become that woman again. I don't remember ever feeling better, I feel a balance like nothing before and with each session at the gym I feed my soul and become a healthier version of who I once was.

Comfortably Numb XVII

Joseph and I talked a bit in June and faded more so in July. I wanted to meet him, I wanted to see him but eveyime I went to book a flight I just couldn't pull the trigger and buy the ticket. It's broken and no longer beautiful and no matter how much glue I put on it...it's just not the same and will never look the same. I had tried for several months over various visits to leave, to cut ties but it was all so emotional and I was easily reeled right back in...he would excuse my mood swings and I would buy it everytime...hoping it would change but never actually seeing any progress. I continued to break and our week of fun slowly turned to a week of hell, I didn't know how to leave and didn't know how to stay. Finally one day he sent me a text expressing his desire to find his "one", knowing it could never be me, it was the first time I felt relief in months...maybe I didn't break him maybe not all is lost in our friendship.

Everything reaches completion but not everything has to be destroyed. Sometimes no matter how far you come in life...it feels like you never really moved at all.

Comfortably Numb XVI

It wasn't long after I started my training that I was hit with another crisis. My niece became very ill and was admitted into a hospital in another province. I packed some bags and made my way to her, how could I not put her first? I spent a week with her until her parents came to take my place by her side. I tried to run again but lost all motivation expecting another blow just around the corner...why even bother?

I went back to New York in May but it hadn't been the same in so long I forgot why I used to go at all. I think that's what happens, so much negative gets piled on that you forget any positive and I failed to see what New York offered anymore. I had nothing left to give Joseph except negative behavor and always looking for a way out, to free him of my new demons and let him move on. He had enough of his own stuff, he didn't need mine and in fairness we were only supposed to be an affair but I let it get out of hand and before I knew it...I had a home and husband in Queens...what the fuck had I done? 

The day I walked out of his house I knew I wouldn't be back, not like this. I was no longer my carefree self, no longer a vibrant woman exploring her life and I was slowly destroying someone who genuinely cared for me...ashamed of what I had done I didn't look back. 

Either NY is my other side that allows me to create and move freely through my life...or it is not, and if it is not...then why go at all? 

It's time to lace up... 

Comfortably Numb XV

I left my manuscript for months, trying to reread it but not being able to connect with it anymore. I needed to bring it back to being mine, my truth and my words. I printed it off one afternoon and sat at my kitchen table for hours literally cutting out the lies and bridging the new gaps with the reality of what my life in NYC looked like. I have never done my writing, at least not my first drafts, on the computer it is all hand written so when I do edits I use the exact same approach. I got so caught up in having an agent that I lost sight of why I even wrote the book...to tell my truth and then live in it. When I read their version, the one they requested I write, I knew I didn't want to pass it off as my own...I didn't even want to try, I was embarrassed I let it get this far. I cut and cut and cut for hours.

By the time spring rolled around I had signed up to run the NYC marathon a third time. After running in 2015 and 2016 I swore I would never do it again and opted out in 2017 and 2018 but needing something to boost my confidence and aching to get back to the city I love I signed up to run once again, this time for Cystic Fibrosis. I laced up for the first time in over two years and took to the streets, I had a lot to think about as the miles rolled by.

Comfortably Numb XIV

I buried my father with his parents in September and took a small part of him home with me. My father always wanted to go to Ireland but never made the move to get there, forever lost in the stories of others and dreaming of a place he called home. I decided I would take a little part of him back in the following year...it's the least I could do.

Time seemed to fly after I finally let him go and the fall turned to winter and I was dealt another hard blow...my editor left the agency and I was pushed out and without an agent after a year. I was sick thinking about the year they held my manuscript, the changes they made, the lies they told and the way they handled the entire situation. I had to laugh a little though, all three in the agency had husbands who left them for other women because they couldn't conform to the traditions of marriage...the irony was not lost on me. I wasn't prepared to lie to tell my story, I wasn't prepared to stretch my truth into a fairytale and because of that I was back to square one...or what felt like the beginning...only worse.

Comfortably Numb XIII

I was looking forward to the summer and being able to take my daughter away with me again. I was knee deep in edits requested by my agent and working non-stop with my coach Gay. I knew they would want a complete over haul and I was okay with it as long as it didn't stretch my thruth out of my story. They want glitz and glam...but I can only sprinkle that in, it cannot be the main theme because I wouldn't have enough stories to finish a book. Apparently people dont want to think I am broken, I assure you I am not. Nobody wants to hear the struggles of a woman, they dont matter, just give us sex and glamour. They only want to hear the pretty parts, like the rest doesn't matter. That who I am and how I got here...doesn't matter.

Maybe my book isn't ready to be written, maybe the world isn't ready for my truth...or maybe...they simply don't care and I am just as insignifigant as I always feared...

Comfortably NumbXII

We were well into spring before I recieved confirmation from an uncle that he would allow my father to be buried with their father. This is how it works, whoever signed my grandfather's will has final say in the last resting spot. I never thought he would give me a hard time but I don't ever remember meeting this man so it felt odd asking for a favor. I asked my cousin what our back up plan would be if he refused and I got the same answer as I always do...by day or night, he will rest with his parents. I gave an eyeroll but I know he's not joking, the final resting place is everything to this side of my family. The only request my uncle asked of me was to send him the initial will...I found it when I cleaned out my father's apartment, he was only 12 years old when it was written...on a blank white piece of paper that has become so fragile that unfolding it is causing it to break. I could understand him wanting that paper, it had his and his father's signatures on it, I would bet good money he remembers the exact day he signed it.

I grabbed an envelope and prepared it to be sent, I have walked down memory lane every single day since my father passed and I was happy to allow the same of an uncle I had never met.

Comfortably Numb XI

I spent the next several weeks writing everything I could think of, spewing it all out onto paper and then having the nerve to type it out. There's a feeling of power and relief when you can pour out your demons and negative thoughts, it gives the illusion of control.

I love the spot where I write even though it looks over at the neighbours. I never saw my neighbours again, they sold their house and now I look at new faces...but I don't care to know them yet. One day, in passing with a mutual friend of theirs I learned that my old neighbour passed away only a few weeks prior...I didn't ask how or what happened, I just put my head down and walked away. He and I were very close, we spent most of our days together renovating our homes, grocery shopping and just hanging out and enjoying our friendship. I instantly missed him and felt sick that his demons may have gotten to him again and this time was too strong. I haven't forgotten about my own but these days I am able to keep them under lock and key...although I have been known to visit them from time to time.

Another day, another death...and we all keep going...

Comfortably Numb X

I'm at the part in my life where all the people who were around when I was growing up are dying...some it's for the best and others I will never stop missing. This part feels so difficult because it's not even until now that I'm discovering who I am and what I want and now life piles on death and despair to wade through. It's easy to get stuck here, to just put the auto pilot back on and stop trying to pave your own road and fade back in with the masses.

I sat down at my kitchen table and opened my computer...I don't think I can ever go back into society's expectation box again. My greatest therapy is writing and just like everything else I will write until I feel better...I must have thousands of stories to tell...

Comfortably Numb IX

I didn't realize how difficult it would be to go home. The neighbours we once knew were gone and I can't really remember who they were...it's funny how a traumatic event can wipe away memories like they never even happened, take away people you forgot you ever knew. My father passing wasn't nearly as traumatic as him living, watching him suffer and beg for the sweet release of death, now all I held was a few mementos I grabbed that would help solidify his memory into mine. I didn't miss him the way I thought I would, I guess after years of watching someone you love descend into death you learn to miss, or perhaps remember, the best parts of them rather than the last of them. Every little trinket I took was from memories all the way back to my early childhood...that's where my father was the strongest man in the world, my protector and hero. I keep them in a small box, its's where I go to think about him and breath him back into my life for a few more minutes.

I finished unpacking and placed the little box on the top of my closet. Life feels different to me now and I don't know what that means. Death feels so permanent and now, more than ever, I want to live my life for me...

Comfortably Numb VIII

I was glad I went to NY for a few days to rest and mourn the passing of my father. I didn't want to go home to do this. My father never really knew my family, he met my son a couple of times and my daughter and Dan once so I didn't want to burden them with what I was going through...they don't even know him. In the end we had more of an understanding and respect for one another and I cherished our new relationship but I also felt protective of it, like it could be stolen or broken at any time. My father and I went on his final journey together and it felt like an honour to be beside him because no matter what we all take that final walk and I felt like a warrior to be able to be his friend and daughter until his last breath. I was the strong one...I have never been the strong one.

I guess I never went straight home because I knew I wouldn't have the time to reflect and cement him into my memory, I could let the rest go because I have something new...I feel like we went to war together and although we lost I really feel that in the end we won. I keep him tucked away in my heart where I can protect his memory and remember him the way I want without outside perspective...it's not needed. I love my dad.

I handed the lady my passport and boarding pass...I can't wait to get home.

Comfortably Numb VII

We leaned shoulder to shoulder watching the gentleman make our omelettes and trying not to fall over. We stayed up too late and woke too early, what we lost in slots we made up for at the roulette table and I discovered it's not my favourite game. Casino's are impressive, like being in a world of their own, they have malls, restaurants, theatres, arcades and full spas...like a one stop shop and I kinda see why people choose to make this their escape when they can get away. I placed a bunch of purple grapes beside my omelette and headed back to the table while he ventured off to find a special kind of tea.

We contemplated dessert but agreed to grab it in Manhattan later in the afternoon. We were going to check out, shop for a bit then join the thousands of other New Yorker's heading back to the city. It's predictable but understandable and I wonder when New York became boring or intolerable to these people...is this how they master their mundane? I grabbed my backpack and jumped in the truck beside Jospeh...he's one of them, I can see the stress return when we turn onto the turnpike and head for the lights.

Comfortably Numb VI

After we gave the truck to the valet and grabbed the keys to our suite we threw our bags in the room and headed downstairs to throw some dice, count to 21 and try our luck on the slots. We made dinner reservations at the Old Homestead and headed for the non smoking part of the casino...it's not very big at all but at least I won't smell like smoke and cough for the rest of the night.

We found an open Blackjack table and settled in, I ordered a Heineken Light and he ordered a cup of tea. I gave him my confused sideways look at his drink order, "never drink and gamble Natalie, alcohol doesn't improve your decisions". He's right...but I want a beer and I'll try not to get too wild with my ten dollar bets. We clinked our glasses, took a drink then watched the dealer lay out our cards.

Comfortably Numb V

I woke late and emerged from the guest room to find Joseph on his phone reprimanding one of his employees for not following directions correctly. He easily moves from scowling at him to placing his hand over the receiver and asking if I would like coffee with a smile on his face. I'm glad I'm on this side of the phone and not the other. I turned on the Keurig he bought for my visits and grabbed some berries out of the fridge before I took a seat at the island while he continued to correct the gentleman on the other end.

After he hung up he heated up the pan and started to make breakfast, he loves cooking for his guests and he is a fabulous host. We exchanged good mornings and he vented for a bit to clear his head.

"I cleared everything off of my schedule for the next two days".
"Great, what were you thinking we should do?" I love being in NY but I was down for anything.
"I booked two nights at the Borgata in Atlantic City...wanna go?" He looked really excited to go away.
I thought about telling him about being there with Kevin but then decided not to, there was no point...the past can stay exactly where it belongs. "Sure, I'll shower and pack a bag."
"Great, I have a couple more calls and we can leave within the hour."

I made my way back to my room to shower and gather a few things. I love that he is keeping my mind off of my father and I can slide into ignorant happiness...at least until I'm ready to head back and deal with it all...

Comfortably Numb IV

I threw on my black cigarette cut pants, an off the shoulder blouse and nude heels that wrap around my ankle, finished it off with my red clutch and gloss. He looked great in his baby blue blazer and button down and dark blue jeans.

We parked right at Rockefeller and wondered around until they were ready for our reservation. You could just go up and have drinks at the bar but tonight we were dining and enjoying the view for as long as possible. The streets were always vibrant with people milling around and taking in the city. It's difficult not to constantly fall in love with Manhattan...I dare you to try.

They sat us right at the window; he ordered a bottle of Pinot Noir then winked at the suggestion of staying in the city for the night. We sipped wine for an hour then ordered dinner; I've waited a long time to be here and I wasn't about to rush it.

Comfortably Numb III

We both fell asleep on the couch and woke a couple hours later to cold tea and someone on NY1 reading us the newspaper. I felt relaxed and drifted in and out of sleep for a while longer listening to him field calls for work and set up travel dates. I still had to buy my flights home but wasn't in any hurry, Dan knows I'll be back soon and just lets me be for now.

I heard Jospeh make reservations for the Rainbow room at the top of Rockefeller, and smiled at the thought of finally seeing that view. I remember back in 2004; Leann and I toured around NYC and talked about all of the things we wanted to try once we could afford to...the Rainbow room was on that list. Joseph has a list of his own of places and experiences he would like to have around Manhattan and I couldn't be happier to be his plus one. I fell back asleep thinking about what I have to wear and wondering if I would have time to shop.

Comfortably Numb II

I slept for two days; I was in and out of consciousness but I don't think I left the room. Joseph would stop in with tea and small portions of food and treats...keeping me in the back of the house where I could rest peacefully. It was 3am when I finally decided to crawl out of bed and get my thoughts back together.

I stood in the shower until it ran cold then laid in the bathtub until all of the hot air left out the shower doors. I felt relieved but still sad...I don't know what I was excepting to feel.

I heard a light knock on the bathroom door, "hey, everything alright?" It's the first time I actually made noise in the house and it just so happened to be in the middle of the night. "Yes, sorry I just wanted to clean up a bit. I'll be out in a few". I grabbed an oversized towel to wrap my hair in then threw a robe around me.

I walked out into the front of the house where I found Joseph making bacon, egg and sausage. "I put the kettle on for some tea, I imagine you're quite hungry". He wasn't smiling at me, but his look was soft like he wanted to make me feel comfortable and relaxed without bombarding me with his own affection and thoughts. "I'd love some tea. Sorry I woke you".

I moved around him at the stove and grabbed some milk out of the fridge, I still felt exhausted. "It's never a problem Natalie, let's eat". The silence was never awkward between us...like old friends we just found comfort in being around one another.

Comfortably Numb I

Joseph picked me up in Terminal D at LaGuardia...the same place he has for over a year. It's nice to be back in Queens where I can slip in my other life and recharge. He always gets out to take my luggage and open the door for me, he doesn't care that traffic cops are yelling at him or about the line of cars forming behind his while the drivers lean on their horns and curse out their windows...I laugh at the spectacle he creates. He is the only person I know that can be mid conversation about something intimate then casually roll down his window to tell the guy trying to merge illegally that if he hits his truck he's going to pull him out through his windshield. I remember one trip between the airport and his home we got into three fights...not with each other but with other drivers. In the beginning it used to drive me crazy, I was embarrassed and annoyed but after a few months of the same shit happening I could see why...I think there were even a couple of times that I leaned over and honked the horn before he had a chance. He says it's the Irish in us...it makes me miss my father and his lunatic ways.

Joseph has become a dear friend to me, I trust him completely...maybe it is our Irish but I find comfort that he can understand where I come from and hold no judgement towards me. I don't know how long I will be graced with his friendship but I'm grateful that he has become a large part of my journey. I wonder if he understands the depths of what I have done to create my life...I wonder if he knows he is cemented into my story.

I watched a cabbie cut across three lanes and try to get in front of us, I roll my eyes and laugh watching Joseph lean out the window while shaking his fist at the cabbie trying to cut us off.

Welcome to New York, now get the fuck outta my way!

A Love, A Loss, And Peace XXX

I left the pictures with Erin, he promised to deliver them to Trina's husband...if she decides to throw them out then so be it. I dropped Patty back off at the airport and hit the highway to Toronto not sure if I was going to fly home or head south to Manhattan...I'll decide when I get there.

Patty, Erin and I agreed to meet later in the year to bury him with his father and until then he would stay where we last visited him. Luckily I had my grandfather's will which was witnessed by my father's older brother...he wrote a letter stating that my father could be buried with their father as he was the executor. But, that would never stop my family from following through with last wishes, were funny like that. Like I said, come hell or high water, in the daylight or night...he will rest with his father.

Hard to believe that just over three weeks ago a dear friend of mine took his own life, followed by the loss of my father. It all felt like so much and still does but I have to look to the good if I am going to come out the other side. I got to hold each of their hands and tell them I love them, I got to say good bye and that is an incredible gift that was afforded to me. I feel relief for both knowing that their suffering is done and that doesn't mean I have to take it on. I got an agent for my manuscript and haven't had much time to celebrate, but now, everything seems lighter and free. I don't feel so guilty for celebrating a win.

I turned left at the last set of lights and made my way south. I turned up the music and left it all in my rearview mirror. I wonder if Joseph wants company...

A Love, A Loss, And Peace XXIX

Patty, Erin and I sat on the living room floor at Erin's house and went through hundreds, maybe thousands, of pictures. Erin found picture's of his mother when she was young, pictures he had never seen before of his own family while growing up. Patty and I gave him all of the pictures he wanted including of our grandparents; we never new our grandparents and Erin did so we handed them over knowing they will always mean more to him than us. My father had his father's hand written will in a little pocket in a book, I gave that to Erin too, it will last longer and have a better shot of moving through generations if Erin keeps the keepsakes. I made a separate pile of pictures of dad in his first life, the one with Trina; I know she said to throw everything out and I imagine she would have if I wasn't there but I can't just toss it the trash. She doesn't know that the day I let my father go home for the last time he cried, he openly sobbed in the emergency room asking why she didn't like him anymore. It broke me, it made me angry, it confirmed all of my negative feelings about her...controlling, cold, miserable and down right mean. Listen, she is the one that has to live with how she handled everything around our father and maybe she is completely fine with it, I don't know. Here's what I know, when he asked for assistance to stay in his home after a stroke a few years ago, she got upset. She wanted him to go into a home because she was tired of driving the few miles to take him grocery shopping or to an appointment or to get his haircut. She wanted to wash her hands clean of him without feeling any guilt and that is only possible if the doctors agree that he needs 24 hour care...but then dad did what he does best and he walked back from the cliff and became strong. There was a doctor on my father's medical team that refused to believe that my father, at 61 years old, had to live out the rest of his life in a nursing home. He took him on as a patient and rehabbed him until my father who was curled into a little ball from arthritis could walk out on his own.

After all the work was done it was decided that my father could go home and enough supports could be put into place to help him stay in his home. Trina, who had been working with social services behind the scenes watched her months of work swirl around the toilet bowl when the medical team overruled her. After that day of getting a complete verbal undressing from doctors, Trina and social services slinked out the door...my father barely saw her again. When my father was finally at home he called her and asked for a ride, she refused saying she would no longer be helping him. It didn't stop there though, a few years later my father had to go back into the hospital and when Erin called to notify her she simply said...don't call me about this. That was it, he didn't do what she wanted, something he no longer qualified for, a nursing home, and she left...no discussion, just walked away.

Now, standing in Erin's living room holding a shoe box of her childhood I found it difficult to stay angry, what's the point? In the end I got to hold my father and say good bye when he refused dialysis, she will never have that but she should have these pictures...maybe a trip down memory lane will help her remember all of the goodness and let go of the bad...

A Love, A Loss, And Peace XXVIII

I unlocked his door and walked to where he used to sit everyday and watch his favourite old movies. I looked around at what he had in the end and decided to donate everything including all of the food I just purchased a couple of days ago. I grabbed the two large packing boxes I filled on my last visit, they contained every last photograph he had and I wanted to go through them with Patty and Erin. We did manage to find a few little  mementos that we remembered from our childhood, like his pocket watch and jack knife. We loaded up the trucks and they took all of his life away to the Salvation Army...it's only possessions, we hold his memories and legacy in our hands and hearts.

I got the call that my father was being taken to the crematorium and would be back and ready for burial in a few weeks, I was planning on buying him in September when the land was thawed and Patty and I could do it together. In the end my father wanted very little; to die in his home and to be buried at his father's feet. I let him leave the hospital and the same night he died in his bed now I just had to wait a few months to finish up and then he could finally rest in peace. No matter what, I have come this far and I won't let him down. Come hell or high water, whether by day or night...my father's final resting place will be with his parents.

I tossed the keys on the counter, took one last look around then closed the door behind me...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXVII

I stood in the doorway and let her have time alone with our father. She was daddy's girl her whole life, they were like two peas in a pod; I'm not mad, my mother and I are thick as thieves. I'm more like my father and my sister is more like my mother so I guess it makes sense who we gravitated towards. She just sat there in the chair staring at him and silently crying for over an hour. When she wiped the last of her tears she knelt beside dad and said good bye one last time.

I was waiting with the lady who had organized his cremation when she was finally ready to leave. This is it, no more visits or new pictures...I ran to take one last look, I never want to forget any part of him. I never told her what Trina said, we just told her that she was okay not seeing him and was fine with us taking care of everything. Here's the thing, Patty is old school about a lot of things...like respect for her father, she would have lost her marbles if she heard that phone call. Patty tried year after year to be part of Trina's life, wanting to connect and know her and her family but she finally gave up when Trina became controlling over our father and her obsession to put him in a home. I have never cared to know her...I could smell her meanness from across the street.

Erin, Patty and I left together and drove one last time through the old neighbourhood, we found the houses we grew up and the one our father was born in. I have done this drive every single time I come home, it's eerily comfortable because now I can only remember the good times. I reached into the backseat and held her hand, feeling her tears bounce off of my wrist...I have to plan the burial.

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXVI

Erin called Trina the same time he called me but hadn't heard back from her, until now. I stayed silent when he answered the call in his car, it was on bluetooth so I heard every word. Erin explained to her what happened the days leading up to my father dying and offered support if she needed anything. I don't know, maybe I expected too much, maybe I have no right to say a word when it comes to her and our father, everyone mourns differently.

"Throw out all of his shit". Erin almost snapped his neck turning towards me and placing his finger over his mouth to shush me. I can be straight fire when dealing with relatives like her. 

"Did you want to see your father?"

"Nah, tell me when the apartment is done". I was crying again, not because I was sad but because I loathed her so much in every possible way. She was everything I never wanted to be, cold and callous, selfish and greedy. Her mother died years ago and she did the exact same thing. I decided then that she got no say in anything that would be decided...fuck her!

Erin hung up on her and cried with me, we couldn't believe someone could be so incredibly vacant and cold. But her shit doesn't belong to me and I'm not about to change that. I have no interest in building a bridge to her, and now the only reason we ever had to run into each other is dead...and I am sure she will go the exact same way...alone. 

Family is about to come out of the woodworks expecting the Irish wake and funeral. I love the way they smirk at me like I fucking owe them something. They act like I am disrespectful by not having a funeral, open bar no less. These same people haven't bothered to visit my father, take him out or even dial his fucking number. There will be no funeral because that was one of my father's wishes, he didn't want to celebrate his life with people who couldn't be bothered to celebrate when he was alive. I'm just like my father...I get the last fuck you! 

Patty's flight just landed and I need her right now.

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXV

I finally stopped crying long enough to catch my breath and take it all in. I got up and rummaged around the room, which doubled as an office, looking for a Sharpie. I read a book once where people left messages on the coffin as a lovely message before they went to their final resting place. My father is going to be cremated but I still wanted to send him off with love and forgiveness.

Dear Dad,

I'm sorry I lost so much time being angry with you. I'm sorry I stole years you would have had with your grandchildren. I have so many good memories growing up and I want you to know that I love you and I am going to miss you so much. I'm glad we were able to spend that last few years building our bridge back to one another and I am happy that we got to say good bye. I'm going to miss you until I see you again...Love Toad.

I kissed my hand and placed it over his forehead then made my way back to the lady who let me in.

I was relieved to find Erin sitting with her while waiting for me. I asked the lady to give me one more day before my father is taken...I want Patty to see him, to say good bye...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXIV

Before I checked out of my hotel I called Air Canada and arranged for my sister, Patty, to fly in and help me clean out all of his things.

I went to the place where they were holding my father's body, I wanted to see him again. The woman who greeted me shook my hand and apologized for my loss before she led me down the hall and up a few steps to the room; she opened the door, squeezed my shoulder then turned on her heel and walked back down the hallway.

I stood in the doorway for a few minutes then slowly walked over to the wooden box. He looked peaceful, finally resting and out of pain. I dropped to my knees, leaned my head against the side of the box and sobbed. Have you ever hurt so much you can feel your soul cry? I curled up into a ball beside his pine box and cried until there was nothing left. 

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXIII

I woke with a headache, I cried too much. I made my way to the washroom to take some Advil, wash my face and brush my teeth. I was happy to see nothing on my phone, no texts, no missed calls and no updates...I jumped in the shower hoping to wash away the last few days.

I laid on the bed to stretch out and dry off, I drifted off through my own tears wondering how I would be able to go back and do it all over again. I'll call him when I wake...

I woke forty five minutes later to my phone ringing, it's Erin. I rubbed my eyes and fumbled for the phone. "Hey, what's going on?"

"They found your father unresponsive this morning in his bed". I could hear a crack in his voice, a sadness.
"He has a DNR Erin, make sure they don't do anything". I sat straight up in bed...I need to pack my bag back up.
"He's been dead for several hours Natalie, I'm sorry". I didn't even realize I was crying, I felt numb, I felt lost, I felt scared and I felt lonely.
"Natalie, Are you there?"
"Yeah". But I should be there....

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXII

I wasn't in a hurry to get to Toronto, I just wanted to drive and lose myself for a day or two. I thought about heading to Montreal but decided to stay closer just in case I have to turn around and go back. I was never a fan of Toronto so I kept driving and settled on Niagara.

I booked a room with a view of the falls, maybe I could get some writing done while I'm there. I remember the first time we went to Niagara on a family trip, it didn't look anything like it does now. Now it looks like tourism threw up all over it and it's the same stuff you see in any major tourist place...so I prefer to stare at the falls than the tourist traps that are lit up and crawling with people.

I had a hot bath then sat by the window and stress cried for over an hour. Maybe I shouldn't have left him. I texted Erin to check in and let him know where I was, "hey, I got dad his medications, some food and tucked him into bed. I'll call you tomorrow". I exhaled and pulled the oversized comforter over myself and drifted off.

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXI

I woke to my father drinking orange juice and watching tv. I sat up straight in the chair and wished him good morning...I really didn't know if he would make it through the night, My father's state is fragile but my father is stubborn so he is having a stand off with death. I smiled and opened a yogurt for him and stood up to stretch and find a nurse or doctor.

I opened the curtain into the emergency room; they didn't have bed space for him. I recognized his doctor standing at a computer so I went over to catch up and plan what would happen next.

"Hey, Natalie. I didn't want to wake you but was hoping I would see you before I left". I must have looked stressed or confused because he stopped everything and gave me his full attention.
"Dad won't do dialysis". I was tearing up but not sure why...this wasn't new information.
"He did produce some urine last night, did he tell you?"
"No, we didn't really talk this morning. I wanted to talk to you".
"Listen, I have four colleagues that help me try and understand the anomaly that is Mac. All five of us have no idea how he is still alive, we actually don't know how he has survived the past decade. We have never seen anything like this, and now he is back to urinating. I have never seen someone almost die almost weekly and be able to just...not".
My father's health is frustrating because it makes him suffer while his will makes him live with it...even the doctors are exhausted and confused.
"So what now?"
"Well, he is passing urine so if you agree then we can send him home. He's not going to get better, this is as good as it gets, so let's at least let him be comfortable".
We had been through this so many times with my father, leaning over the edge and then leaning back in and deciding to stay.
"I'll go tell him the good news. This time I really thought he was done".
"I understand, I have been proven wrong by that man more times than I can count".

After I freshened up I made my way back to my father to let him know he won again.
"So, you finally peed". I couldn't help but smile, he is one stubborn son of a bitch. He's ready to go but it has to be on his terms.
"I sure did. When can I go home?"
"The nurse is getting the papers ready and I'll sign them".
"You're going to let me go home?"
"Absolutely. There's no real point to you staying now". I couldn't help but think he was playing a game of mental chess with me and I was curious why.
"Did you hear from the other two?" He was talking about my sister's, my father has three daughter's and I am the youngest.
"Only Patty, I have no idea about Trina". Patty and I grew up together and never had a relationship with his oldest daughter...but that didn't stop her from treating Patty and I like trash on the rare occasion we ran into her regarding our father. Trina won't come because she wants to control my father and put him in a home...there are only two things my father wants, to stay home until he passes and to be buried with his father. I don't care for or respect her agenda so I took over and put my father back in charge of his own life. Fuck her!

I was standing outside of his room when I spotted Erin coming down the hall. I exhaled and ran to him with the good news...is it good news? I can't tell anymore.

"Did he make it?" He looked crushed.
"He peed". I smiled and we both rolled our eyes and revelled in the extraordinary medical miracle that is my father.
"So, what are they going to do with him?"
"I just signed papers to send him home".
"Makes sense, are you staying?"
"I rented a car, I'm going to head to Toronto for two days and be right back. I need a mental health break and a beer".
"Let's take him home and I'll bring you to get your car. I'll get him back to his routine and take him for dinner. Then we can get together when you get back and plan for next time". It seems like there will always be a next time.

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XX

We stayed with my father for a few hours, laughed about the old times and told the same stories I could now recite without ever having been there to see the actual events. Erin and my father went at it a bit about his stubbornness but in the end my father won...he is after all the one who is suffering every single day. I think Erin hoped that if he stayed close enough and did enough that my father would develop a will to live but I haven't recognized a desire for life in several years. He held my father's hand, kissed his forehead and left for the night, unsure what the morning would bring.

I hugged Erin good-bye, closed the curtain and pulled my chair back over to my father's side. I held his hand, never expecting a conversation but maybe it's part of the process.

"So this is it? This is where you leave me?" You beg the universe to make the suffering stop and when it delivers, you hate how it ends the suffering.
"I'm sorry toad". He hadn't called me toad since I was about six years old.
"Me too, I'm sorry I was angry for so long". I rested my head on his arm and let my tears run to his fingers.
"I love you Natalie and I'm sorry but I cannot fight anymore, I'm tired and lonely".
The tears were flushing all of the anger I held onto for the past nearly twenty four years. I was so angry with the way he left us that I never did the work to even try and understand why he wanted to leave or how it had nothing to do with me.
"Dad, I'm not mad anymore. I should have grown up a long time ago, I should have forgiven sooner and loved better".
He placed his hands on my face, him no longer crying and me barely able to see through my tears. He's comes to terms with it...he's waiting for me to catch up.
"I love you toad".
I sobbed into the sheet while he held my hands and stroked my hair.

A love, A Loss, and Peace XIX

I met Erin and his wife Joanne at a steakhouse across town. I ordered a beer and sparkling water while they split a bottle of Merlot. Erin had been taking care of my father for the past few years and I wanted to take him out as a thank you...and I guess now to tell him it's all but done. Erin loves my father, after his own father left his life he grew much closer to mine and I felt guilty for being relieved my father had someone.

Erin smirked when I told him then took a large gulp of wine, he's hurting. "He's so fucking stubborn Natalie", he swallowed the last of his glass. I don't remember the last time my family gathered out of happiness and not a coffin; there are no happy reunions left, just long drawn out good byes. I smiled to myself thinking about my father and how incredibly bull headed he had been...and how he instilled that into his youngest daughter...me.

After dinner I paid the bill and hugged Joanne good night.

Erin and I are headed back to the hospital, he was not about to go home and miss his chance to send him off. Erin's a good man and I almost feel worse for him than my father; when my father goes he will be relieved of all of his pain but Erin will miss the routine of loving and caring for a man he thought of as a father. Erin doesn't understand 'give-up', his mother would move mountains before she ever gave up and he is just like his mother...my father just might have a fight on his hands. Is there a more Irish way to go?

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XVIII

I was startled awake by the nurse administering more drugs to my father. He was never a good patient, he fought with the nurses because he didn't want the drugs but they have a job to do. I rolled my eyes then rubbed them, I was feeling annoyed with him. I get that he's ready to go and make peace with his life but I wasn't exactly caught up to him.

After she left I pulled my chair closer to my father and held his hand, he's so fragile and torn...he doesn't want to leave his kids but he wants to go home to his parents, he misses his father and is tired. I caught my breath and squeezed his index finger, like I used to when I was his little girl.
     "How are you feeling?"
     "Like shit, I haven't felt good since I don't remember when".
     "What about dialysis?"
     "I'm not doing it, no intervention at all". I didn't flinch, this is his life and I am playing his last cards the way he would have.
     "Okay, I'm going for dinner with Erin and I'll come back in a few hours. Can I bring you anything?"
     "Cigarette and Diet Pepsi".

I looked back and flashed him a sassy smile since he thought he was slick adding cigarettes.

I drove to the restaurant in silence wondering how I was going to say good bye to my father...one last time...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XVII

I found my cousin in the emergency room and he took me to my father. He was hooked up to a couple machines and seemed to be in good spirits; he always appeared happiest when he felt he could see the end. He informed me that he pressed the button on his emergency bracelet when he couldn't catch his breath...two packs of cigarettes a day since he was about eleven year old, he was never going to catch his breath again. He was retaining water, I could see it in his feet and hands; the nurse notified me he gained almost twenty two pounds of fluids in a matter of days. Kidney failure, heart failure...nothing was working right but I still wasn't ready to hear he needed dialysis.

A common theme my father has echoed throughout the last couple of years is his disdain for dialysis and nursing homes. He knows he hasn't urinated in a while but he doesn't know I'm about to test his stance on intervention. I have to make sure I do what he wants so I can't sit on this for long; he has a DNR in place so he needs to know this is the last road home.

I slid the curtain aside and found my father napping in his small cubicle of a room. I pulled a chair up to his bed to stare at him; half wanting to remember him forever and half wanting to capture the strength and father I used to know. He opened his eyes when my phone vibrated on the floor. He looked annoyed and exhausted when he woke.
    "What did the doctor say?"
    "He said you have to pee or he's going to start dialysis".
    "I'm not doing dialysis".
    "Then you're going to die".
    "I know..." he closed his eyes and fell back asleep...

I sat back in the chair and closed my eyes...he knew all along...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XVI

My father was calling me twice a day confirming that I would be in town to visit on the date I gave him nearly three months ago. I knew he was lonely but it was starting to feel desperate and out of character; he was always in a good mood waiting for me to arrive so I made sure that I wouldn't miss him.

I arrived in time to take him to dinner then grab him a few treats before I went back to my room for the night. I liked visiting my father but he's a chain smoker and hates to leave his place, I try and survive under the blanket of smoke. I turned up the heat, tucked him in and made sure nothing in the house was left burning or on then I locked the door and closed it behind me.

I woke a few hours later to a text message that my father was taken to the hospital by ambulance...my cousin who is a police officer heard the call over the radio and notified the rest of us...