Another Good-Bye III

I was exhausted by the time we got back to William's flat and I was grateful that he always sent me home in a car service; I couldn't imagine having to take a bus or subway after this long day. He carried my luggage to the car and pulled me close to kiss me, I always shied away but he managed to slip in a few kisses and a hug that could make me lose my breath. I was heading back to Jersey to watch Cleopatra as Clarence was out of town and I was already excited to snuggle her in bed.

My phone was lighting up from Josh, Kevin and a new guy I had been chatting with for the past few weeks, James. I liked James but he was pushy and dominating in the ways the made red flags pop up in my head rather than turn me on thinking about the sex. I wasn't in the mood after a long day of flights then an hour commute into the city. Dinner was great and I was ready to call it a night...the Lincoln Tunnel was packed so I closed my eyes and rested my head on the back of the seat...

Another Good-Bye II

Well to be fair they never said their "I do's" but they have been together for quarter of a century. It's an ongoing inner conflict I have been dealing with for the past year. He will tell you that he isn't married so he falls outside of my strict ' no married or cheating men allowed' rule but I think it is a matter of semantics. I enjoy his company and listening to his stories but the attraction outside of that is lacking and almost forced. It feels that at times I try to fake an attraction hoping that I can convince my libido to get in line but it tends to fall flat. It doesn't stop me from dating him at all and over the year we have become great friends that respect boundaries and date when we find ourselves in Manhattan together.

William made reservations for us at a restaurant known for its gluten free menu and fine wines. He is quite the gentleman...to me at least.

Another Good-Bye

It felt like forever since I had been to NY when in reality it was just a long few weeks. February is the coldest month here and I remember Tracy and I last year huddling for warmth around the city. I was standing at Port Authority trying to get a cab to the Village with all of my luggage while trying to take calls about house sitting and dog walking. A friend was waiting for me to go to dinner and I was not about to head to Jersey to drop my things and then make my way back, I could leave it in his flat in the meantime.

Twenty fucking minutes to get a cab, I was sweating from carrying all of my things and frustrated from the calls and walking while lugging my things. I was a complete mess by the time I reached the Village and decided to have a beer and decompress before we left, I didn't want to be an awful dinner guest. William and I met over a year ago and manage to cross paths effortlessly since he is in Manhattan for a few days a week from New England. He's funny, extremely intelligent, successful and married...

A Daisy for Wendell VIII

I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that when I am letting a toddler pick a name for a dog that I should always lead with my favourite name. She chose Daisy almost as soon as it left my mouth, I tried several times to get her to say Ruby but the damage was done and within a few hours Cessna was answering to Daisy...maybe she thought it was the perfect name too. Well, to be fair, initially my daughter wanted to call her Django but we put a stop to that all while trying not to explain death to her...she may not realize Django is never coming back.

Daisy was wonderful but after only a couple of days Dan and I started to notice how creepy she was. She only slept where Django once had and showed so many of the same mannerisms from the way she would submit to staring at me from across the room. I didn't think Dan would allow me to get another dog before I flew out to NY and I was feeling a bit guilty that I was heading out right away. I couldn't help but feel a little emotional with guilt wondering if it was too soon to get another pup but when I see Wendell snuggle into her I know it was the right time...at least for him...

A Daisy for Wendell VII

Wendell didn't provide much of a welcome for her although he was curious about our new friend. Dan filled up a bowl of water and my daughter stood back waiting for Cessna to come to her. I felt a sadness for this puppy who never had a home and was now being shuffled along. Dan and I agreed that unless she displayed harmful behaviours we would adopt her. I placed her kennel in the den and let her crawl into it for a few minutes just to relax after the long drive and stress.

We went about our evening of getting our daughter ready for bed and cleaning up around the house and every once and a while she would emerge from her sanctuary to check things out. I caught Wendell lying in front of the the kennel door and smiled at how relaxed he appeared. She didn't respond to the name the rescue gave her, which would make it that much easier to change it. I grabbed my book and headed up the stairs to my bedroom...Wendell could use the time to make a new friend...

A Daisy for Wendell VI

She peeked out from behind the couch but wouldn't make a full appearance. I took my shoes off and placed my jacket on the back of a chair. I was going to give her as much time as she needed to come and meet me. She was playing with the other two dogs in the house and slowly moved closer and closer towards me until I could pet her. Her hair was coarse and falling out around her face and I wondered how stressed she had been in this whole process. This was the first time she was in a house and I have to say that her manners were not all that bad. She liked eye contact and touch, likely due to never really having either. I expected her to be shy but she wasn't, it was fear and once she felt safe she emerged and demanded attention. Her personality was incredible and it was difficult not to laugh and fall in love. It was time for her to meet my family. I expected to pick another date and time to bring them by but the woman insisted I take her home with me and if she fit in with us then to keep her to avoid her having any more trauma.

I placed her kennel in the back seat and let her sit in the front with me; I didn't want her to feel alone and to be able to see everything that was going on. I just got onto the freeway when she started to throw up all over the floor...her poor nerves and motion sickness was too much. She doesn't look like Django but she definitely reminds me of her.

A Daisy for Wendell V

She is black and white with a little brown around her stunning blue eyes. She was a stray her whole life and was found with two puppies...they were already adopted. They called her Cessna but that would change if she chose our family. She was thought to be about two years old and the pictures weren't able to hide the fear in her eyes. In the end, she was the one we wanted to meet, unfortunately for the rest of the family though...I would go alone to test the waters. We got Wendell through the same rescue...well his second rescue that paid his enormous vet bill. I'm a fan of SCARS and hope this all works out. I have an appointment in a few hours on the other side of the city to meet her and the foster mother assures me that she is house trained and good with children.

I walked over to her ashes still on the shelf and placed my hand over top, it's not about replacing...she could never be replaced. We're rescuers, this is how it should be...we mourned, we continue to mourn but Cessna along with so many other dogs need and deserve a home...Django would be okay with this. I pulled my boots on and grabbed my keys, it's bitter sweet...wishing Django was still here but also trying to be excited for Wendell...

A Daisy for Wendell IV

I think I finally got Dan on board with getting another dog. He was woken up from Wendell crying on the couch in the middle of the night. Dan loves his puppies and I kinda knew Wendell would have to be the one to sell it unfortunately he is using real emotions and is hurting.

We sat at the table and went through the rescue sites to try and find a friend for our Wendell; no puppies, must be good with kids, house trained, not too big and no small dogs. He was sipping his coffee absolutely amazed at how many rescues there were and then the hundreds of dogs they offered. Wendell was never supposed to come home with us, he was on his way to death from a puppy virus and with a rescue that was up and coming and Wendell was breaking their budget fast. With me showing up daily to see him another rescue stepped up to pay the bill knowing he was just waiting to go to his new home. We picked a few to email about and I was guilty of choosing one or two that resembled my Django...I know it's not the same but a familiar face satiates a lot sadness.

A Daisy for Wendell III

I had turned finding a friend for Wendell into a family affair between my self and both of my children, there is no need to get Dan involved until I have good information to give him. Wendell was getting more introverted everyday and even Dan was starting to notice, luckily Dan is an animal lover and Wendell was positively manipulating him on his own. I mean eventually, if needed, I would take the hard line and really push but I'm hoping that can be avoided all together. I had to head back to New York in a week and I knew it was not happening before I left so I was able to relax.

It was difficult as the days rolled on, my son had gone back to school in Montreal and the holidays were over so life could go back to the routine it was weeks ago. I was never really sure if I loved Christmas or not, it brought a lot of anxieties back to me from so many paths like my childhood to the in-laws. The latter was less of an anxiety and more of an irritant...how the fuck do you not call your son and granddaughter on Christmas? I hated looking at my husband and knowing what he thought and being helpless in it all. I mean how does one even begin to explain to someone that actions are not always the best way to read people. I want to tell him that they obviously love and care for him but he hasn't believed those words in so many years I imagine it will fall on deaf ears...but I have to do it. I don't fight for them because I like them...I fight for them because I love Dan and our daughter...so much so that I feel me forcing their hand to be part of their lives...not mine...theirs. Sometimes you just have to step back and let the cards fall where they may...I cheer for them but I'm starting to lack faith.

Wendell came around the corner and laid on my feet, I bent down to pet him and managed to sit down instead so he could have my lap for a quick nap. I slowly stroked his ear and told him about the day I met him...again...

A Daisy for Wendell II

I was scouring the humane society and rescue's trying to find a dog that is not a puppy but is also good with a little child in the house. This can be tricky because you don't always get the history of the dog and I need to feel comfortable with the dog being around my family. I already know that after getting Wendell as a puppy that Dan will not sign on for another one and I need one that is also house trained...the easiest transition is the best way to sell this to Dan and get him on board. Twice I have walked into the humane society or a rescues and brought a dog home with me, never have I shopped for one on the internet...how do you pick one? We don't subscribe to buying the pure breed dogs and always liked the idea and practice of rescuing but there are so many options and now I have the difficult task of weeding some out. Okay so, no puppies, no small dogs, no large dogs, not too old, no trauma...I need to find one that is about 2-4 years old, playful, house trained and good with kids as well as other dogs...a fucking unicorn of a dog is what I need. I just need to get some answers, develop a plan of action, maybe a power point presentation and grab a case of IPA with some light begging should almost bring Dan right onto my side...now if I could just get Wendell to cry as well we might have a new family member in a couple of weeks.

A Daisy for Wendell

I woke early to the sounds of Wendell whimpering on the living room couch. I wrapped myself in my blanket and went out to join him. Sometimes when my children are upset I like to tell the story of the day they were born or the day I brought them home from the hospital, so I curled up with Wendell and told him about the first day we met. I could feel his heart slow when I placed my hand on his chest and smiled into his eyes...my poor poor pup. He's lonely for her and I'm not sure any one of us in the house can help him. Wendell is a different duck in that he prefers other dogs to people, Django always preferred people to other dogs. I wasn't sure how I was going to convince Dan to get him a friend but he needs one because my heart cannot take his heartbreak. He drifted off on my lap while I was lost in my head having an artificial conversation with Dan.

The Long island Mike VII

I must have forgotten to block his text messages because I woke to more than a dozen of them. He was sitting at home hungover, scared and devastated. I didn't want to ask too many questions because I didn't want to know the truth, not all of it anyway. He was counting down the hours until his very first AA meeting, all the while trying to convince himself that AA wasn't for him. If he could somehow see the the benefits of this group to anyone struggling then maybe he would go in with a better attitude...I imagine the hangover isn't helping much. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow morning so the AA meeting should work long enough to help him walk through that door too.

I called him so he could hear a friendly voice rather than read words on his iPhone. The sadness is radiating from him and I wish I could hug him and hold his hand. He called his father to tell him he loves him and finally he let her go as a sign of faith that he would start to love himself and take care of himself. I could almost hear his tears hitting the phone and the sobbing was making my own heart swell. The resilience in this man is incredible and I will miss him but now I can only watch from afar...this good bye should be easier than it is.

I said good bye with a shaky voice and hoped he wasn't aware of my own emotions. This is where our paths part ways...maybe one day they will loop back around...

The Long Island Mike VI

The phone calls started about 3am according to my phone...I always have my phone on silent unless I am sleeping away from my family. Last night he got drunk and tried to apologize, which I am sure now he can see was a very bad idea. I think she calls me hoping I can turn off his switch and get him to go away but truth be told I know very little about that man and have spent very little time with him. I'm actually a little afraid for her because he is still drunk and has escalated to harassing this poor woman. He must have panicked and made a last ditch play to try and fix this disaster...she was not impressed in the least. Her last message to me asked that I tell Mike that she called the police and filed a report. I declined to send messages to one another a while back and I was not about to break that. I called her to wish her all the best and left it at that, I didn't have any good reason to continue to be in the middle of this and I wanted out fast. I don't know what she will decide tomorrow at the doctors but I don't think it has been an easy decision. I then emailed Mike because he is still drunk and being an asshole to anyone who even tries to tell him how irrational he is being. I wanted to tell him that I needed my space from him but that if he decided to get help with his drinking and mental health then I would happily support him in that chapter. It was unfortunate that I had to block him from sending me any message whatsoever...but I have no use or tolerance for his abusive behaviours. I hate cutting people from my life...I hate that I feel I have to...

The Long Island Mike V

I decided to test Mike and really see how sincere he is in his claims. I scoured the web looking for a psychiatrist and AA meetings near him. He needs to go to a therapist to find a better way to deal with his trauma and anxiety that he carries around like unwanted luggage as well as develop something better for coping skills outside of vodka. It's not like I thought this was my problem to fix but I am hoping if he has the proper supports then he will be more inclined to do the work...and I believe that he wants to have his best life. He has three days to try and prove to her that he will stand beside her regardless of the label she gives him...I'm not sure if three months would be enough but anything is worth a shot.

I emailed him the information and crossed my fingers for both of them. It's funny how life builds and works...sometimes wanting something isn't enough. Mike is a good man, he just needs to believe it too.