My New Routine II

After breakfast I pulled out my computer to blog while she found her play doh and favourite stuffed animal.  This time she pushed her chair beside mine and handed me the rolling pin, so I slid the computer over and started making cookies.  I have nothing on the agenda for the rest of the day, or week for that matter.  I only work enough these days to finance my secret life so maybe I should be finding better ways to be with all of my family.  I used to go and visit my son without my daughter although that was mainly because I would do quick trips for football but now I could go and take her along.  After all I want my children to be close even when distance is always a factor.  As we rolled out the doh and chatted with one another I found that her vocabulary was getting much larger and she is changing so much every day.  I know I just got back from NY but I wanted to leave again, I miss my son and so does she.  He will be participating in Hoopla next week so I going to go and take her along...other than NY, I plan to take her everywhere with me.

We cleaned up the play doh and got dressed to head out for the day.  She liked running around the mall and I enjoyed showing her the world and letting her explore it.  I barely think what will happen tomorrow and I love living in the moment just as she does.  I think I forgot how to live for a while and got caught up in the anxieties of time past and days not here...she keeps me in the now and it's almost impossible not to fall in love with the now.  She's standing at the door looking like she got dressed in the dark in someone else's closet and I give her a nod, tell her she's beautiful and let her walk out with two different shoes because she just can't decide which set she wants to wear...I miss living.

My New Routine

I got in exceptionally late after being delayed hours and was surprised I made the last flight out of Toronto.  I woke when  I heard Dan turn the shower on and it felt relaxing to be home and in my own bed.  I got up and made my way to the kitchen to start breakfast and make some coffee.  I realized that I don't even have another trip booked back to NY and for the first time since I started this journey it didn't bother me.  I know I can go back at any time I want so there was no need to panic.  Trevor sent me an email with my flight information because I would be house sitting for him in Ottawa in a few weeks while he house hunted in Edmonton.  I didn't even know anyone in Ottawa and I know I can rectify that but wouldn't even start until I was only a few days from leaving. 


I plated breakfast for the two of us and noticed a few little curls peeking up from the island and it never fails to make my heart melt.  I slowly walked over and seen her resting her head on the side of the stool sucking her thumb and holding her blanket.  I sat on the floor and pulled her into my lap and rested her head against my chest while I rubbed her back.  There was a time when I wasn't entirely sure if I would still love my life after having unlimited freedom...but I love it more and I long to be home when I am away.  Sometimes it's good to miss the things you take for granted as a good reminder of what matters.  I won't give up NY or stop living a life of my own but at the same time I won't let time slip away from me with my family.  I finally have balance...but more importantly I have a husband that not only accepts the new me after I killed the woman he married, but also supports my freedom and choices...life is beautiful.


I picked up my daughter and brought her to the table when Dan came down the stairs...it made me miss my son.  The feelings of missing him have never left and I wonder if that is my penance for not figuring this all out right the first time.  I still have to tell myself that it is okay to have my own life and it is okay that I am non conventional...I ache for the day when I no longer feel the need to defend or explain myself to anyone as if it matters what you think anyway, at least these days it's only in my head.  My life doesn't look like yours, but the beauty is that it's my life so it shouldn't look like yours...

Moving Forward XIV

I arrived at JFK with two hours to spare, I made my way through security and found my gate.  I sat back and watched as the departures times slowly changed and flights started to cancel...wtf?  I walked up to the counter with the young man standing behind it to find out if I should wait or make my way to a hotel.  Apparently there were a few storms that stopped all the connections from leaving the Carolina's so we were all grounded until they could.  I immediately texted Tracy who notified me that she just found her seat on the plane.  I fought back the anxiety, after all it was not like I had never been in NY alone...but the feeling of being left behind was still familiar.  The young man attempted to put me on every flight that was leaving in the next half hour but there was no part of me that wanted to make six stops before I finally reached home, besides even I know I would be stranded somewhere because there was no way they could connect my luggage and I know I can't cross borders without it.  My options were wait and pray or make my way to LaGuardia and hope they have a flight...I'll wait.  I decided to grab a drink in the lounge and wait it out, nothing was going to happen for at least another three hours and the closest I could get right now was Cincinnati and that didn't temp me at all. 


Three Heineken and two hours later and I was standing at the same counter along side two Canadian pilots placing bets on if we were going to make it home tonight.  I watched the young mans face change to relief and he notified us that our plane had finally left Raleigh...he already adjusted all of my connections and I texted Dan to change my ETA...I can't wait to get home...but until then, I owed the pilots a round of drinks.

Moving Forward XIII

I only woke with a slight hangover this morning but was better prepared with water this time.  We decided to just wonder the city and slowly pub crawl midtown.  We had already been out and picked up the last few things we wanted to get before we headed back home.  I felt a tinge of anxiety knowing she was flying out of LaGuardia and I was heading to JFK...I had never flown in or out of JFK until today.  We packed up our things and decided to get a car service rather than separate cabs so we could at least enjoy the ride together...as far as LaGuardia anyway.

The ride to the airport had become so familiar to me over the past few months and I never failed to look back and take one last look at my second home.  Looking over and seeing Tracy gave me a feeling of contentment and happiness.  I already know I will see her in a few weeks because I'm throwing her a surprise party and it's comforting to know that not all of my friends in my new life live across the continent.  "Well, did you love NY?"  I know she did but she lights up when she talks about her favourite parts and it makes me smile.  "You know Natalie you are one of the few people I know that I can travel with and have a good time".  I flashed her my biggest smile, she doesn't know it but that statement offers me a reassurance that my transformation has not only happened but is successful.  The freedom I have in NY to live openly allows me to shed all anxiety and fear...it doesn't belong here.

I got out of the car and hugged her at her stop, I knew we would text until she boarded her flight.  I jumped back in and it was still about twenty minutes to JFK.  Going home didn't bother me anymore, in fact I looked forward to it.  Now I was fully engaged in my home life and the time with my family was nothing but quality, I'm a better wife and mother...and I love my life.  I wonder what people will say...and then I remember...I don't care...

Moving Forward XII

We arrived at the museum just as it was opening and was line up free.  I remember coming here with Dan and the kids a couple of years ago in the summer and the line up must have been over a thousand people deep and as much as Dan loves to learn even he was not about to stand in that line.  We walked into the main room and it was absolutely breathtaking and I couldn't help but just stand there and take it all in.  I was a a little sad by the realization that I have been coming to NY for a while now and had visited a few times before over the years and failed to see so much of what makes the city spectacular.  Carl had taken me to the Guggenheim and I had the exact same feeling.  I love museums and galleries and I really need to start making them a large part of my travels.  Even if the rooms were empty, this building is like nothing else and I could sit in here for hours.  I wondered what else I had been missing, I hadn't even seen Brooklyn and only stepped onto Staten Island, I had been to the Bronx in 2004 with Leann to watch a Yankee game and David gave me a quick tour of Queens.  I made a mental note that each visit I would tour a new area of the city and visit a building or museum...it's a shame I had not been doing it all along.

Almost three hours later and we were making our way through Central Park back into Midtown to grab a slice of cheese cake and lunch before we made our way back to the hotel.  We were trying to decide if we should see a Broadway play/musical or just head out for a late dinner and drinks...it would be a game time decision.  In the mean time we crawled back into bed to warm up and take a short nap before our last evening in the Apple.

Moving Forward XI

After the last encore I grabbed Tracy and dragged her into the street because we had to get a cab before thousands of others gave us competition.  One trick I learned was to walk the opposite way the crowd is moving to get a cab and I had become a ninja at it.  I had no issues standing in a traffic lane and waving down cabs and may have even stolen one once or twice...gotta be quick or you'll be left standing.  It was far too cold to go out and it was already after 1am so we went back to the room to watch a movie after stocking up on junk food.

It was so nice to crawl into bed and warm up.  I always feel guilty when I am not taking advantage of the city so I promised her that we could go to the Museum of Natural History tomorrow afternoon...I silently hoped she was not one of those people that has to see every square inch of the exhibits but I wouldn't rob her of it either.  

I grabbed my phone and texted Vince and Carl to thank them for the visit then I texted Mike from Long Island and cancelled my lunch plans with him...I'm not ready just yet to see him and I would rather spend the day with Tracy, I just love her.  The thought of marrying my NY life and Canada life would have scared me before but now that I have created a life in NY and am making new friends...it is exactly what I want.  Not everyone will come along and many will opt out all together of being a part of my life and it doesn't scare or bother me any longer...I am growing and changing and life feels good.  I drift off thinking about how perfectly Dan will fit into my NY life and I miss him so much.

Moving Forward X

We skipped the museum for today, Carl had to catch the train to get back to Philly and Tracy and I were going to try and relax before the concert tonight.  The whole reason we were in NYC was because she has become a crazed Kongo's fan and I agreed to go if she went to the NY concert.  We have back stage passes along with tickets to a private concert and question session so I only have about thirty minutes until I need to look awake and ready to go.  Tracy was vibrating with excitement and I was downing Red Bull like it was the secret to life.

We grabbed a cab outside of our hotel to Irving Plaza and I knew it was unseasonably cold for the city since even I felt chilled and that doesn't typically happen to me in the city.  The building looked like it had been condemned and was completely locked down, hard to believe it as going to be filled with thousands of people in only a couple of hours.  Apparently Paul McCartney had a surprise concert here last night and it's just another thing that makes this city amazing.  We walked to the corner and had a bite to eat at Chipotle then stood in the doorway of the neighbouring bar until we finally seen some life in the building.  When they opened the doors I could see Tracy light up out of the corner of my eye and I decided to put the hangover on the back burner and join her.  

The building felt only slightly warmer than the streets and I was almost ready for a drink.  We toured the building and were given a ridiculous amount of free Kongo's stuff before twenty of us were squeezed into a tiny closet sized room which held the band.  It almost felt awkward and uncomfortable since I could literally extend my arm and touch any one of them and it became difficult to avoid weird eye contact with them when they sang so I politely stared down at the floor to stop myself from bursting into laughter from the awkwardness and ruining it for my friend.  

Ten minutes until the first band takes the stage and I can feel the pain in my head, queasiness in my stomach and I honestly thought about throwing all of the things they gave me into the garbage just so I didn't have to babysit it all night.  Oh well, I ordered two large rum and cokes and did my best to be upbeat and fun...I hated Carl for being able to go home and sleep...

Moving Forward VIIII

We all woke far too early, but a day in bed in Manhattan is completely wasted.  Tracy climbed into the shower while I blogged and Carl tried to get comfortable on the cot.  Slowly but surely we all showered and made ourselves presentable for the day.  Nothing was going to happen today unless we started with breakfast and a lot of coffee and pop.  Carl was still clearly intoxicated when we found a diner and my hangover was not letting up anytime soon.  The plan was to go from Battery Park to the Museum of Natural History, the thought made me sick and I wouldn't dream of fighting Carl on cabs today.

After I finished my breakfast we cabbed it to Battery Park where is was far too foggy to get a good look at the Lady but if you squinted hard enough you could make out the silhouette.  I felt like turning on my phone and just googling a picture but data is not cheap here; there was no need to jump on the ferry because nothing would be visible.  Carl and I looked at each other and wanted to die, we have done this several times before but we know it would be a waste for Tracy to come all this way and not see all the big sites.  We walked over to the nearest Starbucks and grabbed more coffee and tea before we made our way to Harold Square for shopping and what I can only hope is a sidewalk viewing of the Empire State Building.

Macy's was a nightmare, but at this point everything was.  Carl and I sat side by side on chairs in the shoe department while Tracy wondered around, I leaned over and slowly drifted off beside my already asleep friend...

Moving Forward VIII

I looked at the clock and it was 430am.  Tracy is jumping on the bed and Carl is singing at the top of his lungs while I am trying my best not to throw up the BBQ and jug of Sangria.  

The comedy club was good but not as amazing as when I went with Vince.  I was pretty tipsy by the time we left here and made our way to the Upper East Side.  I brought them to the rooftop at the Kimberly because I remembered how much I loved it when Sara took me.  We spent a few minutes convincing the door man to let Tracy in because apparently their dress code does not contain converse and jeans.  After a few selfies and our drunk charm he allowed us access.  The elevator ride was awful and those two were just getting started.  We took a few pictures of the city before I excused my myself to the ladies room...and quickly ducked into the elevator and made my get away.  I checked my back pocket for my hotel key and ID then zig-zagged my way down Lexington to The Court.  It felt nice to be be in the cold air and I was already dreaming about my bed.  The last thing I remembered was handing a man with his dog my last five dollars and then I was woken up by Tracy leaning over me singing her heart out.  

Moving Forward VII

Carl showed up just as the bellman was bringing in his cot, I'm not even going to try and pretend that it looked comfortable...I already felt bad for how he would feel in the morning.  First things first, we uncorked the wine and spent an hour catching up and bringing Tracy in on our city adventures.  We were heading to the Lower East Side for some amazing food and I have to be careful because I am not a power drinker, these two could drink me well under the table and are seasoned veterans...I on the other hand instantly get tired and hung over.  I'm not a fan of wine so I sipped it and slowly poured it into Carl's glass when he wasn't paying attention.  Once we polished off a bottle of wine I insisted we walk the couple of miles so Tracy could see the city by foot, Carl agrees but only because I promised to take a cab home after the show.

We ducked in at a restaurant known for amazing BBQ and they were not kidding.  I chased my food with two Heineken and forced Carl to drink the third one he ordered for me.  Great food, friends and drinks...it's the way I have always envisioned my NY life...my life is coming along nicely.  We had about an hour before the show so we walked over and found a bar, ordered a jug of Sangria and I am fully aware that wine is going to kick my ass this evening.  I filled the glasses while Tracy went to find rum and Carl was outside smoking....pace yourself Natalie...and stop drinking wine, wine doesn't like you...

Moving Forward VI

We both woke with a touch of nausea but nothing Advil and a vat of water couldn't repair.  Vince met us late last night and hung for an hour or two.  He's a great guy, he doesn't know it but I have friend zoned him...I guess I'm just more interested in meeting people and making friends then I am in trying to find an affair.  He offered to drive us back to the hotel but I always prefer to walk, even when it's 3am and I have trouble walking.  

I was blogging when Tracy emerged from the shower and we decided to spend the morning walking the east side looking for food and doing some shopping.  Carl will be in late afternoon and the night is already reserved so I figured I would take her to main points of interest in between stores so she could cross them off the Nee York site seers list.  I've learned over my time here how to see the city fast and cheap, it doesn't work for people like Dan and my brother Trevor who have to read about the history of it all while they experience it but for the rest of us I can see most sites within the day and spend very little.  When I was first here in 2001 I waited in line for over an hour and paid $20 to take the boat across and climb the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty.  With the tragic events that followed that same year they took away the privilege of being able to do that and even now only offer a few of those tickets that are sold out well in advance of the date.  So when I have a friend that wants to see it, I take the free ferry to Staten Island which has no line up and gives a beautiful view of the Lady, the Brooklyn Bridge as well as the city and it's less than an hour round trip.  Luckily, Tracy is more like me when it comes to the sites so we grab our mittens take one last look in the mirror and head for the streets...tour guide Natalie is at your service...right after coffee...

Moving Forward V

I found Tracy in the main hall of Grand Central Station.  It was hard to believe that NY was never on her bucket list and I have every intention of showing her why it should be somewhere on there even if she sneaks it on at the bottom.  We walked my luggage to our room and I freshened up a bit and we caught up on our lives.  I was still new to blogging but as the great friend she is, she was reading along daily.  Vince wanted to meet for drinks late this evening so I agreed and decided to let Tracy see my secret life...a glimpse of it anyway.

I grabbed my mittens and we walked over to Times Square and admired all the beautiful buildings along the way.  Tracy loves museums, history and galleries and NY is filled with them.  I'm hoping Carl will come along for the ride when he gets here tomorrow.  I made some reservations at the same comedy club Vince took me to and gave her carte blanche for any site seeing she wanted to do.  I hadn't seen Lady Liberty in a long time and I'm a little excited to feel her take breath away...again.

We ducked into my favourite pub and ordered food and drinks.   We're both exhausted from travelling all day and it's so nice to just sit and lose myself in her life.  Tracy is a friend that makes me feel important and special...I have a lot of those now...and I hope I am one of those.

9/11

Today instead of writing my blog I took the train into Manhattan and felt the sorrow and resilience of the Manhattanite's...this evening I will be joining some FDNJ on the waterfront overlooking the new skyline and reminiscing about what was lost and what was gained.  For those of you who follow me, you know first hand of my love for this city and the past two years out of coincidence I have ended up back here at this exact time to pay my respects.  I have built a life here and have made many friends, in a city so large it's amazing that I have never felt like an outsider.

Meet me back here tomorrow...the adventure continues...

Moving Forward IV

Only three hours later than my original ETA and I was feeling great with my luggage in hand.  I sat beside a young man on the way from Toronto and every now and then I feel like the universe strategically places people into my life as a way to reassure me that even though at times I feel shaky I am not alone and I will be okay.  This young man completed his master in bio medicine...I don't even know what that is...and he was on his way to Manhattan for an internship with a production company.  He was only twenty five years old and realized all of his education was based on what his parents had laid out for him and not what actually interested him.  He said he was tired of laying in bed finding reasons to go to work and didn't want to wake up one day wondering if he should have followed his own dreams.  I was almost jumping out of my seat with excitement for him and chomping at the bit to relate and share with him, but he didn't need my reassurance and although I didn't think I needed any either...it was nice to hear his story and relate to him...even if he never knew he was doing such...

I jumped in a cab and headed for Grand Central Station...

Moving Forward III

I woke up in a mad race to get to the airport only to be delayed hours and miss both connections.  The one time I wake up late and run the race through security it is completely unnecessary...ugh.  I grabbed coffee and fruit and hung out with the ladies at the desk while they tried to find better connections.  I texted Tracy to let her know my arrival time would be much later and then called the hotel to make sure they would allow her access.  I can't wait to see her.  Tracy is a friend that accepts me and my life without conditions.  She never once makes me feel insecure or drops her jaw at the disbelief of my choices...nothing phases her and it's because she too lives her own life and is happy.  Our children played football together for years and we finally met last year at the tournament in Texas and we became instant best friends.  Tracy is another person along the way that became a part of my life and it reassures me that the real me is someone quality people like and I add her to the group in the company of the likes if Carl...whom she will be meeting as well.  I like being around people like her who allow me to feel comfortable in my own skin and doesn't possess a judgemental bone.  Tracy is a friend that makes me a better friend and I love her like a sister in such a short amount of time.  I'm so excited to show her my city and show her my other life.

The lady was able to find me a different flight so I ran down the corridor and found a seat...I already know my luggage won't be with me so I silently hope it gets to Toronto in time to clear customs.  After the past few months of crazy travel I would be a boss at The Amazing Race...I sent one last text to Tracy and sat back...my first layover is literally down the highway.

Moving Forward II

I grabbed my computer and coffee and sat at the table, across from me sits a messy haired little girl organizing her play doh.  I look over my screen and shoot her a serious look, "are you ready to start your work miss?"  She gives me a single nod, starts humming and opens her boxes of cookie cutters, rolling pins and play doh.  My mornings now consist of me throwing up my anxieties and insecurities all over the web while my daughter pretends to work on projects for her imaginary boss.  It has become cathartic for me and I joked to Laura that it is the best therapy I have ever had.  Making the change to live the way you want and desire can be difficult at first because you question your choices and thoughts and wonder if they are yours or given to you.  This has become a routine for me and I look forward to it every morning, but I never start without her.  I made the decision immediately that this would not be about sexual encounters with strangers or having boy friends or exploring my own desires; it would be about finding my own way and shutting the doors to paths that were forced upon or given to me.  Only now that I have come out the other side am I even able to reflect and share, never kept a journal but never forgot a feeling or moment that made me question and change.  I could have spent the rest of my life blaming others for the first 35 years of my life but it would only help me justify my previous bad behaviours and sadness.  I could have made it a reliable excuse to never change but then...I would never change.  My life is up to me and now I can make it go in any direction I desire...outside forces cannot control me because I am responsible for and in control of me...that was one of the best lessons I ever learned.  That is a lesson I will hand down to her...

Moving Forward I

After what felt like a long time crossing the bridge I finally know I am it over and now I just turn my back on it, take a deep breath and keep walking...I may have jumped and clicked my heels a few times.  Looking at this new slate should feel overwhelming but it's not, it's just something I have put off until now.  Maybe this is something we all go through but some do it sooner than others and some just don't know how to take the leap.  I have accumulated so many fears during my life time that I actually have to start weighing them out against each other; I'm terrified to fly but I am more afraid to never leave my home.  I'm afraid of what my life will look like now but I had to make the change because things were starting to look bleak.  I understand I did things differently than others and that my life is now different than most of you but I am so utterly happy in my life that everyday I enjoy it more and more and think about you less and less.  Only as time passes am I able to realize that my happiness comes from pouring my energy into myself and my family and not even thinking about what you are doing.  I used to have strong opinions about how others lived and the choices they made and I was one of those that stood back and judged because it was easier than fixing myself.  Concentrating on others made it easy to escape my own issues as if that was actually productive and healthy.  I don't want to be the gossipy, caddy woman I had been for most of my life, putting down people as a way to bond with others...as if stepping on you made me better.  I have so much work to do on myself I can no longer be bothered with what you are doing, and the less I think about others the better I feel and the less pressure I have to conform to an idea I don't believe in.  Perhaps now I will be the one talked about...serves me might to be judged. 


I opened my computer and started my blog, I am doing this for me, to fill my dream...but please feel free to follow along. 

The New Character I Play in This World VI

I woke to a few text messages but one really stuck out, it was from Angela; the woman Karen and I sat with on the flight when we were going to New York...that was the trip I went to Atlantic City.  She just wanted to say hi and catch up, she was passing through and wanted to get together.  I decided to call her because I knew I was not available the days she is here as I'm heading back to The Big Apple.  Angela travels the country as a life coach and also is the editor of a magazine...you're just as shocked as I am by my dumb luck of sitting beside her on a plane when I am going through a life crisis.  I guess sometimes the universe takes control when we are too scared to do it ourselves.  We chatted for about half an hour and caught up since we first met.  She is this incredible energy and amazing woman that I gravitate towards...perhaps because she demonstrates so much of what I want to possess.  We talked about my journey and my one missing brick maybe it's because it was so obvious I missed it or maybe it's because I was too afraid to find the starting point, "Natalie why don't you just start a blog?"  Sometimes the simplest suggestions make me feel the stupidest and it gives me the hand slapping the forehead moments.  But what am I going to write about?  It's one thing to want to be a writer it's another to write...isn't it?  I've always wanted to write but fear paralyzes me because of bad grammar, lack of training and what if I'm terrible at it?  There is only one thing I truly know...my life...and that is a huge dive off the cliff because what if no one likes the real me?  Putting myself out there to be judged is scary...I guess it's time to find out if I truly don't care what you think about me anymore.  I grabbed my computer and started an account...my cup of life is overflowing and I am whole.  Tomorrow is Day 1...

The New Character I Play in This World V

I had another meeting with Laura and I've been able to attend rather easily.  My main concern right now is my daughter and trying to stay engaged in her level of activity and also create a bond with her similar to that with my son.  After we check off all the regular things, anxiety, medications, sleep, and my NY life we always talk about my children.  My son is busy with school, sports and his own life and I talk to him everyday and see him each week and it seems easy at his age to bond and really stay involved in his life.  Every morning I text him before his classes and each night he calls to tell me about his day and catch me up on his life, we have a great relationship and I want that with her too.  I want her to follow her own desires and not get caught up in others because it's 'normal'...but how do I teach that when I am just learning it myself?  My son was able to do it almost effortlessly but how different will it be for her?  Laura told me about a new method called 'slow down parenting' which is based off of the European style of cooking which is done slowly over days and days.  I really wanted to try it and embrace being the main role model for her so now we wake together and chat for a bit before we make breakfast together, then we walk for the mail and play in the park.  I engage her in conversation and ask her a lot of questions to have a conversation around her, we shop and cook together and sometimes in the day she will ask to just sit and watch a show.  I try not to interrupt her and ask her opinions; I want her to know she matters and I value her opinions and thoughts.  She is allowed to pick out all her own clothes and wear them anyway she wants and she can decide on when she is done eating and where to put her toys in her room.  I believed early on with my son that parenting should be more about guiding and less about dictating, I believe in natural consequences and I hope I am securing children that find comfort within and have enough confidence to follow what they desire.  I'm slowing down to enjoy the ride and hopefully offer them the beautiful life and family they deserve.   I have no idea if I am right and maybe I am just throwing stones in a pond but just like everything else in life...parenting is not a one size fits all.  I'm trying my best to be a good mom and role model and old beliefs sometimes make it difficult for me to stay on course...but I push through because I have to.

The new Character I Play in This World IV

I received a call from my son today and the football team he assured me he was not going to join reached out in the hopes he would go to Texas again with them.  The tournament is the exact dates I am in NY with Tracy for a concert and I only booked my trip because he wasn't going to Texas, otherwise I would have booked for Texas.  So here I am with my son and I know he wants to go because it's another opportunity to play and be seen and I know he is telling me this hoping I will tell him to go even though I cannot.  Football has been one of our strongest glues that bonds us and I don't love the game nearly as much as I love watching him play it.  "You should go because you never know when you'll play again since high school football is over".  My only heart ache is knowing I can't make the trip and I know his father can't either...but Dan can and it will take no convincing since he loves to watch him play as well but doesn't always have the opportunity to go along.  It seems like such an easy fix until my own words ring in my ears...it actually may be the last time he plays competitive football since he was notified he is still too young for university ball; although he qualifies he really is only 17 years old.  Three years ago I told him that if he wanted to make a run for the bigs that I would do my best to finance him, he has always given 100% and I have followed through so I can't very well stop that now just because it conflicts with my schedule.  His opportunities to play should not be based on my opportunities to watch...and so they are not.  He can't see my tears and I'm grateful, I can't believe I won't be there, I almost never miss football.  He is still my hardest hill to climb and it's easy to fold back into myself and feel sad for the time lost and now for the opportunities I am missing, but it's not productive or necessary anymore...I wish my heart knew that.