My New Routine

I got in exceptionally late after being delayed hours and was surprised I made the last flight out of Toronto.  I woke when  I heard Dan turn the shower on and it felt relaxing to be home and in my own bed.  I got up and made my way to the kitchen to start breakfast and make some coffee.  I realized that I don't even have another trip booked back to NY and for the first time since I started this journey it didn't bother me.  I know I can go back at any time I want so there was no need to panic.  Trevor sent me an email with my flight information because I would be house sitting for him in Ottawa in a few weeks while he house hunted in Edmonton.  I didn't even know anyone in Ottawa and I know I can rectify that but wouldn't even start until I was only a few days from leaving. 


I plated breakfast for the two of us and noticed a few little curls peeking up from the island and it never fails to make my heart melt.  I slowly walked over and seen her resting her head on the side of the stool sucking her thumb and holding her blanket.  I sat on the floor and pulled her into my lap and rested her head against my chest while I rubbed her back.  There was a time when I wasn't entirely sure if I would still love my life after having unlimited freedom...but I love it more and I long to be home when I am away.  Sometimes it's good to miss the things you take for granted as a good reminder of what matters.  I won't give up NY or stop living a life of my own but at the same time I won't let time slip away from me with my family.  I finally have balance...but more importantly I have a husband that not only accepts the new me after I killed the woman he married, but also supports my freedom and choices...life is beautiful.


I picked up my daughter and brought her to the table when Dan came down the stairs...it made me miss my son.  The feelings of missing him have never left and I wonder if that is my penance for not figuring this all out right the first time.  I still have to tell myself that it is okay to have my own life and it is okay that I am non conventional...I ache for the day when I no longer feel the need to defend or explain myself to anyone as if it matters what you think anyway, at least these days it's only in my head.  My life doesn't look like yours, but the beauty is that it's my life so it shouldn't look like yours...