A Love, A Loss and Peace II

Things were not going according to plan at all, my world was starting to feel like it was on marbles and slowly everything was falling off the sides just before i could get to it. Mostly everything was great and I only took my eye off of the ball for a minute but in that minute so much changed and I found myself in New York with my daughter, not willing to go home and not entirely sure where I would go.

I'll back up a bit. Dan and I learned that our neighbours were back to using drugs because of a terrible accident, not pot...heroine. I panicked, I puked and I cried and then I called them. These were the same people we were just at Disney with, these were our close friends, people we love and care about. I cried over the call, wanting things to be different but knowing that their hell is like nothing I had ever seen and feeling guilty for never wanting our children to witness it.

I clutched my daughter's hand and thought for a minute...Joseph should be at the beach house soon...maybe I can use his place for the month...

A Love, A Loss and Peace

The months rolled over and I swear the winter never wanted to end. By the middle of March I was damn near back in the Christmas spirit but also feeling the cabin fever starting to come on strong. I'd been spending a lot of time in Queens and loving every week of it. I could walk down the street and do every daily errand all in a matter of a few blocks and they were all little stores owned by the locals...no 7/11's and big box stores; they have a butcher, bakers and laundry services right at the tip of my block. Queens was definitely more in touch with reality than Manhattan...I could see her skyline from the corner of Joseph's block and loved being able to spot her from just about anywhere I stood. It didn't feel so cold here, well February it's so cold I refuse to come some years but mostly it's much more milder than home.

May and June bring back memories of summers past and make me excited for what this year brings. Joseph rented a beach house on the Jersey Shore for the month of July and invited me to come along...I'm definitely thinking about it. It's hot and humid in the city and I find it can be difficult to be comfortable but I'm not exactly a sun chaser. I love my time in NY but more importantly, I love my time in Canada...everything just feels good and I'm going to ride the wave.

Home...The Other One XVI

We stayed two days then drove in silence to Toronto, I dropped my sister off at the airport and continued on to New York with Joseph...he didn't get to go fishing again. Dad is still in the hospital but expected to head home in about a week. I'm exhausted without an emotion left to express.

I'm looking forward to a few days in New York as the lovely distraction. I want to play around the city and forget for just a few hours that the end is near...but still looming at a distance. I really have no idea when I would be back but I pray it's not just to bury him.

We crossed into the US and stopped for lunch in Buffalo, we each ordered a beer and steak then planned out a few details of our next few days...Broadway, The rainbow Room and the Park Lane overlooking Central Park. He's spoiling me, hoping he can suspend my reality for a few days and bring me back into my Manhattan dreams...it's working.

Home...The Other One XV

He looks worse, he asked me if his daughter from Alberta would be able to find him...I'm his daughter from Alberta. We've already been through this part, the loss of memory, the hallucinations...I hate this part. He can't even recognize us...how lonely can one person become? I smile and hold his hand, "I'll keep a look out for her." it's all I can offer to my father who sees me as a stranger. My sister is standing far back, she hasn't seen this part yet...this is a new nightmare for her. She and my father were always thick as thieves, she was daddy's girl and I was always closest with my mother. I look back to find her shrinking into a corner; I let her shrink. I walk out of the room telling him I would be right back and then re-enter with a new attitude, "hey dad I just got here, how are you?" Maybe if I just tell him who I am then we can skip the part where he tries to remember where he knows me from. He squints and looks at me confused, "Natalie?" I nod agreeing. "The nurse just went to find you." I kiss his forehead and change the subject to his food and home and what happened.

He fell one evening while trying to make his way to the bathroom. He took off his emergency button because his wrist felt sore and couldn't reach it to press the button. By the time my cousin found him a days and half later he had lost over 4 pints of blood and was severally dehydrated. How is he alive? My guess...Irish stubbornness.

I open his jello and start to feed it to him. My sister starts to emerge from he shadows and slides in to hold his other hand.

Home...The Other One XIV

I don't remember the last time I saw my sister but it's been years. Joseph picked us up from the airport; desperate times called for desperate measures. I've arranged it so we are only in town for two nights then drive my sister back to the airport then head to New York with Joseph...it was about the only thing making me feel better about having to go back home. I hugged her tightly for several minutes; she hasn't seen dad in a while and she's going to be upset when she does.

The highway home is filled with anxiety and nausea, one day it will be my last trip but until then this has become my highway to hell...deep breath in, exhale and count the hours until I leave.