Audiobook II

We just crossed the halfway mark of recording the book and should be done before we leave for LA next week. I have sold so many books all over Europe recently that I imagine the audiobook will only make it go further faster. I didn't realize the emotional toll it would take on me to read my book after a couple of years, each night I feel emotionally exhausted and more in love with my husband...we continuously find ways to bring back the passion and fall right back in love. 

I decided to meet someone, he has been asking me for months but I have held steady hoping Marcus would have balanced...but this morning I woke up and I was balanced. We facetime a lot, he lives on a jet because of his work and wants to spend a year with me. I cant even imagine getting picked up each month on a jet to be whisked away...but I'm signing on...he's charming and just wants to have adventures with me...

Audiobook I

I started to record my audiobook last weekend. Dan and I found an easy elite program and so far we have four completed chapters, two have already been sent to be mastered. I feel motivated and ready to get back to my things and press forward. It was fun being a cheerleader for Marcus for a while, chasing dreams is euphoric...but my dreams haven't exactly come full circle. I'm glad I am doing this and finding another way to push my book and vision forward. I've set up a little studio in my bedroom closet and the acoustics are perfect, Dan fits nicely beside me running the computer and making edits in real time. 

I'm learning to appreciate all the phases and changes that life brings about. Even finding comfort and love in the pain of having to let go and knowing I can't control anything but myself and how I frame my thoughts and experiences. He won his tournament, he's first in his division. Who knew swapping out a photographer with a caddy would do so much good! He's impressive but has stated having Matt help him read the greens would go a long way...apparently all the way to first. I truly hope the best for him in every corner of his life in his mind, body and soul...I still can't make sense of so much, but I guess that's life and sometimes you just have to be okay with that... 

The Transition V

I woke this morning with a lighter feeling in my chest and definitely more happiness in my heart. It's a battle of letting the bad go while trying to capture the good and wrap my heart in love all at the same time. I know I'm resilient, I think there comes a time when you realize that time will heal you and that soon, I will have my closure to move forward. I know the time is coming...I guess I feel sad that soon I won't care. It sounds crazy but theres a real feeling of hurt when you know you are going to get over someone...as if the love is lost and not transferable. Maybe I still hold on that the person I loved really exists, but I step further from that theory with every passing day. It's difficult to give up on people, you can't slay their dragons and sometimes...you become one...

The Transition IV

I still struggle to sleep through the night, I just don't understand how someone could fumble me so badly...unless that was always the play. I loved him, I wanted to be that person he could rely on to be there to help him build his life and be a good friend and lover on his journey, I just wanted to add a fun partnership...I never showed up to take anything other than his time. I assumed his aspirations were so great that my limits fit in perfectly...and they do...just not for him. I would have felt relieved for him to have a girlfriend close by, I can't even think of a reason not to tell me he wanted at least another partner. Imagine the nerve of telling me daily how he was lied to and cheated on throughout all his relationships only to be doing the exact thing to me...it's shocking to the soul. Just like Joseph, he takes the entire relationship and burns it...the friendship, for them, only exists within the intimacy you share. I think of Marcus and wished he could have seen how a strong friendship with me outweighed any other type of relationship. We all have our faults, we all have a story and I miss hearing his...and being part of it. I still can't tell you how I became the enemy to him, I don't know if it can ever be undone and I sure as hell don't know how to fix it so I don't say anything at all...I keep writing and writing...I just have to let him go...

The Transition III

He still emails me, I don't know why. I skim read the hate and just throw it in the trash. I don't understand that level of meanness...he was hiding lovers and I found out. Seems like an easy exit for both of us. I haven't lost my temper or anything, I just accepted that he moved one way so I moved another...that's it. I don't want to spend my time and energy arguing with someone I don't trust and no longer respect so I don't even read it let alone respond. I don't engage with toxic emotional out bursts, he's 35 and lacks all self control...I'm not about to teach a grown man how to act. I scroll on and find something or someone interesting. 

It's been a while since my single side has been vacant...

The Transition II

I'm a bit shook, still a touch unforgiving and a little sharp with those who want to comfort me. There's nothing to comfort, it was never going to last and I cannot help him, and that makes it easier to stay away. I was going to go out with another gentleman but it just didn't work out...I didn't really care. I know I'll want something but I'm unclear of the blueprint moving forward. Letting go of someone feels so easy compared to letting go of who you thought they were. Some days the timeline is stuck in my brain and I have no forgiveness and other days I collect the memories I love most and tuck them away hoping when I revisit they will make me smile again. 

That's the thing with life...everything cannot be a waste of your time, not everything is supposed to work out...but that doesn't mean you shouldn't honour the time. I learned so much, I hurt so much and I loved so much. I have regrets, but they will fade long before the happy memories do. In time I will find a place in my heart for a least one snap shot of out time together...perhaps each time I get to step on a golf course, although I still believe that I will watch him play again...although it will be on a screen. Each day I forgive each of us a little more and find a way to remove the anger around it all... 

The Transition I

I'm not even mad, it's more of a sadness that I lost a friend in a lover, I always value the friendship most. I hope he does well and finds a way to have peace in his heart. It's easy to discard people when you feel they have wronged you, it's difficult to look past the pain and try to understand why they may have chosen that path. I still can't make sense as to why this all happened, maybe it's not something I can ever make sense out of so I find a way to bring closure for myself. I wrote a letter, that I'll never send...why bother when respect for me was never on his mind or tongue. I overplayed my hand and lost, I should have known better than to show my hand to a poker player...shame on me right? My heart is in tact, although my ego is bruised, so be it. I will always love quickly and deeply, honestly and authentically...I can't imagine wasting my time being anything other...

Blindsided XII

 I dropped his iPad on the seat of the golf cart and asked him to never contact me; the lies, the manipulation...it was too much and I couldn't unsee it. Everything he ever hated about his ex's he did to me, it was like stepping out of my body when the entire picture became clear. I walked off the course and into the pro shop where I left his car keys and downloaded Uber. It was less than an hour before I was in my hotel room in Chattanooga, I didn't even break stride walking away. 

I read the time stamps with emails, text messaging women, the lies, the gaslighting...the inconsistencies and out right arrogance. While his "grandad" was emailing me from Marcus' deathbed...he was trying to make plans with other women, I felt sick for feeling so stupid. I knew he struggled with women, I just didn't realize to what degree that would look like. I sit in shock that he could lie right to my face and feel justified in it because it happened to him...my heart hurts but time will heal it all...for me anyway...

I miss him...and I hate that...

Blindsided XI

He didn't tee off until 1pm so we left after he was done at the gym in the morning. We drove mostly in silence, things had clearly changed and I was left toiling with my thoughts wondering what was real and what wasn't...my gut would not allow me to believe everything. With Marcus, the sun rises because of me on the good days and on the bad days...I am the enemy he loathes and cannot state it enough...so what's real? That's the problem, when you say everything...it means nothing. I don't know the relationship anymore, my last visit was brutal and stressful...most of our time together is. We pulled up to the club with plenty of time for him to practice, I decided to clear my head out and take a short walk around the course. 

By the time we hit the turn to the back nine the picture had come in clearly and I was numb. Holding his iPad taking videos and pictures, conversations scrolled to the left and three women popped up...but he stated as early as a couple days prior that he was not interested in any other women...even though he knew it would be okay and appropriate for him to do so. It occurred to me that the familiar hotel room was his hospital room...the one time he went that triggered my commitment to head back and hopefully reset the relationship. I remembered commenting on how nice the bed and room was...he took me right there! 

What the hell was going on? I was spinning, or it felt like it...I no longer knew who I was with...

Blindsided X

I went with him to work, well, I dropped him off then went to get his spare putter from his house. I finally brought in the hamper we purchased during my last visit, I don't know that he was at home much at all between hospital visits and staying over by the course when he drank too much. His grandad was making coffee when I opened the door, he's always pleasant to me; Marcus will tell you that his grandad doesn't live with him but I assure you...he lives with him. I bit my tongue and refrained from asking him about our email exchanges regarding Marcus being in the hospital, part of me felt he would have no idea what I was talking about...I swallowed my anxiety again, grabbed his putter, a pair of socks and headed back to get him from work. 

Driving back I started to count and collect little red flags that were dropped along the way that I simply chose to ignore. But why? Everything felt off, and it seemed like if one thing wasn't falling apart then another was and together we could never seem to land on the same page although I was seeing the picture a lot more clearly now. We were heading to his golf tournament in Georgia the next day and I was starting to wonder why I had come at all. The eggshells were starting to crumble under my feet as inconsistencies piled higher and higher...there's literally no reason to not be honest with me...so what's going on? 

I let him get away with too much too soon. My boundaries weren't as strong as they should have been and I allowed vulnerability to excuse things I never would have tolerated. We're clearly not our best together...so why does it make me sick to leave?

Blindsided IX

Well, it wasn't completely over I guess. After a few emails from what was supposed to be his grandad as well as a few facetime sessions in what was supposed to be his hospital room...I bit the bullet and went back to Nashville. Lucky me, he got out the day before I arrived...imagine going from deaths door to being able to play eighteen holes the next day...I had my questions but after a day of flying I just got in his car and headed for the course. His friends are lovely and he easily fits in and is in his comfort zone, it's always a pleasure to watch. I cracked a Modelo and settled in for the afternoon, completely uneasy and trying to distract my anxiety. 

We rounded the turn to head into the back nine when he notified me that we'd stay out for the night to avoid his grandfather...I didn't care either way. I hated my gut, the uneasiness, the way it never lets me just exist in the moment without causing waves...inconsistencies create havoc in my thoughts. I tried by best for the remainder of the day to push everything out of my head, I was already there and decided to wait on having any kind of deep conversation...our relationship had been so tumultuous lately I didn't want to ruin the little calm we finally found.

We were both so exhausted by the time we reached the hotel we barely had a chance to talk as he had to be up early for work and then race to make his tee time straight afterwards. Laying in bed listening to him sleep it occurred to me that the room was familiar, the wall colour, pictures, bed frame...and I could tell you I had never stayed in that hotel before...not in any state...