The Phoenix I

Monday morning therapy doesn't exist anymore, at least not in the capacity it used to.  Now it looks like breakfast and time for just the two of us.  It almost looked like our lives a few years ago, but it was deceiving because that Dan and Natalie no longer exist...and that's not a bad thing.  We're learning about our each others separate lives and maneuvering through our new marriage; the one thing that never changed was the relief I feel knowing I have Dan to help me.  I leave for New York in a couple of weeks and I can feel a twinge of guilt but have no issue chasing it away like an unwelcome guest.  The ghost feelings still linger but that's out of habit....feeling like I am wrong so accepting the negative feelings like penance.

It's funny as you walk through life how things change when you turn off your auto pilot and pay attention.  I enjoy my life and the people in it far more today then I could ever remember, and my life looks nothing like theirs...and that's okay.  Now when I look out my window I never wonder how I will have it all and do it all, I just live the life I want and surround myself with people who support and resect my journey rather than slide away because my life is no longer a comfortable experience for them.  Once the autopilot is turned off then the blissfulness of ignorance is gone and the dreamer returns.  It's your life and you can either stand on your step too afraid to step off into the unknown or you can swan dive knowing that you're at least chasing the life you want...the end result is always death...choose your journey...

The Ashes VI

After the try out I took my son and mother for dinner and it finally felt like a family dinner...not every member has to be there.  I have a sense of belonging and I imagine it's because my confidence allows me to have that...Dan was right when he kissed me every morning and said I'd be okay.  I've opened up to a few of my friends, the ones I trust and know love me, and I wasn't even surprised when my friend Sara didn't even blink...I love her.  CJ always new and helped me in my journey and at times I felt was my only friend.  Now I try to not even look back, the carnage is fine and I never sacrificed anything I wasn't willing to.  I'm not sure there were many choices I made that I would change and that allows me the freedom to move forward and leave any guilt behind...I have nothing to feel guilty about.  Life can be difficult when you constantly try to reach the standards of other people, then one day I realized they weren't even my standards...so I walked away.  I have enough trouble meeting my own standards so I can't put any time into reaching other's.  Everything just kind of fell into place like puzzle pieces I found along the way.

We finished eating and I paid the bill, I hate the walk to the parking lot only to hug, say I love you's and drive away...again.  That has always been the way it is for my son and me and although I wish it would have been different, I know I did it right and it's confirmed every single day...too bad it doesn't make my heart hurt any less.  I'm finally able to stand behind my life and what I've done, the decisions I've made and what it will look like moving forward.  I waved as he drove away, I always left last...he was the only person I could do that with and not feel left behind...huh, I never realized that until now.  I looked over and my mom was watching me with tears sliding down her face, I know there is a part of her that thinks she created this in me...and she is right, she doesn't know that now I am grateful for it.  My mom has always been able to read me, probably because she's written a version of this book in her own life.  I love that woman and if I can be half as great as her then it's a win.  My mom may never be able to shed her own darkness but at least she can no longer see mine,  I never let it out to play anymore.

The Ashes V

I made it to the field house to watch my son throw the ball around and I so easily slip away from my world and into his; grateful that over the years I have become the perfect non-traditional mother.  He has always made it easy for me, like his soul was created to help me become a mother.  I'm starting to have a very real feeling that some things in life are orchestrated to help us become who we are.  I know longer apologize for being different, I know longer care that my life doesn't look like yours and to be completely honest...I thank the universe everyday for making me different.  I threw out my shame and embarrassment like the trash it is, it doesn't have a place in my life and I'm sick and tired of carrying it around like it's part of me.  If my life and choices make you uncomfortable then that's an issue you need to work out but there is no fucking way I am changing myself to suit you for even one more day...I'm barely watching what I say anymore.  Each step I take across that bridge brings out the strong, confident woman I ache to be and I can see the look in Dan's eyes with every change that evolves within me...he's in love and proud.  That man has nurtured my soul and craziness from day one, and he may have grown up traditional but he is anything but that.  The musician in him aches to break free and that part of Dan holds his soul and desires...like my writing does for me.  He always teased that we are modern day hippies and I'm starting to see that we are, and it's beautiful.

I used to think that John and Mike, from Long Island, made me feel like I wasn't alone but that's not true...it's Dan that makes me feel less alone, I just needed the clarity to see it.  My darkness retreats more and more everyday and when I add people like Carl and Mike, the cop...it makes my walk even easier.  My strength is finally coming from within myself and come hell or high water, whether you like me or not...the next years will never resemble my last years.  If you don't like or agree with my non-monogamous, non-traditional life then just know this....I don't fucking care, this is my life and it's about time I started living like it!

I looked over and seen him complete a pass then rush down for a block...am I allowed to cheer at a tryout?  Fuck it...I'm gonna cheer.  As long as I am not infringing on others rights then I have every right to live the life I want and do it unapologetically!

The Ashes IV

It was cold out and Mike was bundled up and holding two coffees when I arrived, he was adorable, sweet, kind and just an all around great guy.  I always light up when I see him and it's like we've always been friends.  I'm mindful of the time because my son has a big try out today and I want to be there to support him, besides I'm certain I can lose a lot of time with Mike so I'm careful to count the minutes.

We caught up on our lives, my trips to NY and his work and dating life.  I find it interesting that we almost never discuss our common denominator and other than the quick text letting me know John was hurt we have never spoken his name.  We walked around the pond arm in arm and just enjoyed the company; I felt content and happy.  I've been making so many new friends lately and find that the people I am attracting represent not only where I am but where I want to be.  Looking back at the times I was staring out my window living on autopilot made me sad and I could feel my stomach cringe, I won't ever go back there...this is living and I love it.  I wanted to ask him if he was called out last night for work but decided against it; if he did then that would explain why John never showed up and if he didn't then I'm not sure how I would feel  There was nothing good that was going to come out of that so I left well enough alone and lead him back to our cars.

I hugged him and thanked him for the coffee and walk, I really didn't know if I would see him again.  He hesitated before he jumped in his truck and turned around, "he's never going to give you what you want".  I could feel the tears burn my eyes, I know he is right...or at least he used to be.  "I know, and I thank the universe everyday".  He picked me up and squeezed me tightly which only made me giggle..."take care Irish and stay away from the cops...except me of course".  Of course...

The Ashes III

I stayed at Leann's last night but never mentioned John, she already believed I moved on so I didn't share my final experience...thinking I may always keep it to myself.  I mourned the loss of John a long time ago and no matter how much you want a do over, sometimes you just have to accept things and people the way they are.  I laid in bed and to my own amazement I felt amazing and beautiful; growing up is not easy but it is rewarding.  My growth over the past few months was painful, scary and shaky but maybe I was able to succeed because of my supporting cast.  I crawled out of bed and jumped into the shower, I like that I'm strong enough to bounce back and realize that not everything is about me, I'm not the centre of the universe...I was only the centre of my mother's.

I had some coffee and toast with Leann and told her all about Carl and the night I drank with the detectives in Queens...at least my journey is not boring.  I was going to visit my son today and the excitement almost brings me to tears, I love getting lost in his life.  Before I head out for the last time in a long time there is someone I want to say hi to so I grabbed my phone, "Hey Mike, I'm in your beautiful city for a couple of hours if you want to get a coffee".  I don't think I have to say good bye to him, he is another person I met along the way that has only added to my experiences and I like him.  It's funny that I have been collecting people along the way that are amazing, comforting and healthy...as if my soul aches for the nutrition of these people.  Maybe when your head and heart can't agree your soul takes over and finds exactly the supports it needs, whether it's people or forgotten dreams.  "Hey stranger, meet me at the Parliament building for a walk and I'll bring coffee".  I'm a little excited to see him and my clipped wings now seem so strong.

The Ashes II

Eleven o'clock rolled around and I wasn't surprised to still be sitting alone; if he was waiting for dramatic affect I was not amused.  The last two hours I felt that my life was in slow motion while everything else around was moving fast and I don't know how to feel anymore.  I thought for sure he was going to make it, especially after he asked me to give him another shot...what a silly little girl.  Accept now I no longer see myself as that little girl, his actions are a reflection of him and not me; for whatever reason he has for not ever wanting to see me is his and he won't share.  I feel calm and almost relieved...almost.

A few years ago Dan and I were in New Orleans and we went to a plantation called Oak Alley.  It was stunning when you stood at the end of the alley and looked down between the oak trees at the manor, and you could almost feel the beauty.   I could have spent the rest of my life standing there and taking it all in and having my own vision of what the house held; the past, the secrets, the love, the loss and the history...but I walked down that alley and into the house.  I remember leaving and thinking I wish I never walked into the house because my vision was far more beautiful than the reality.  And now as I'm sitting in the bar I realize I don't want the door to open, I don't want to see the inner workings of John...I want to stand back and just take in the beauty and keep my vision alive.  Slowly the anger slides away along with all the bad memories and anxiety; replaced with only the good memories and smiling at how he could set me on fire...I'm grateful he won't give me another chance to walk down the alley and make the same mistake.  I paid my bill and jumped in my car...I'm ready to move on.

The Ashes

This is the last time I will walk the plank, and quite possibly the last time I attempt to see John.  The drive was awful this time and my stomach was sick.  Terrified he wasn't going to show up and terrified he was.  I wanted to call and cancel but I couldn't, I wanted him to cancel but he can't.  I went through scenarios in my head and there is no good end.  If he shows up I'll be scared for the night to end and if he doesn't then I am forced to become emotionally detached from him and I don't know if I want to or if I can.  I wonder if I am that woman who needs to save everyone, feeling the sadness in their lives and feeling it connected to mine as if saving them means saving myself.  I have no idea how I was making it from town to town because everything was a blur and I couldn't escape my thoughts as I slowly drove myself into madness not sure what to hope for.

I wondered how I became so attached to a ghost of a person.  What was I going through that I needed John and what he represented, perhaps just a bad boy to release me from the routine...maybe just someone who knew about my sadness and ache and never had to discuss it...he just knew and understood.  I look back over the last several months and I easily go from anger, hurt and fear to sadness...for him.  I know longer hold this crazed feeling of desperation to see him and I silently pray that one day he will emerge from his darkness and fall in love or feel whole.  He is pretty incredible and I know he cares deeply for me...if he didn't he would have selfishly destroyed me for this own pleasure, but he didn't.  He liked to press my buttons to see all of the emotions he thinks he may have possessed but can't remember when or how.

I walked into the bar for the first time since our first date and sat at our table...time is ticking as I watch the door...

The Dawn XX

Being back in contact with John felt like reconnecting to an old friend.  His love interest couldn't cope with his ex-wife living with him and he wasn't willing to change his situation so a few weeks was all it took for him to re-enter the online dating scene.  We don't fish in the same sea anymore so he had no chance of finding me, although I wonder why he would want to...he never even wanted to cross the street to see me before.  Maybe this time it will be different, maybe he's grown up a little.  I was excited he wanted to talk to me and for a little while I forgot about the glue that binds us...he is dark and I am fighting for my light.

I caught him up on my life and my travels to NY, new friends and experiences.  He was never interested in anything unless it included him but it felt nice to rub a little salt in his wound so I crossed the line from time to time.  I've had a lot of time away from him to gain perspective and I question his authenticity and commitment to our friendship.  Maybe his ego is a little bruised and he's looking for a boost ; I know John likes me but I wonder about his honesty based on his constant vanishing acts.  I'm not the same Natalie and I wonder how much he will like me.  I leave this weekend to go and see Leann and as much as I don't want to tell him...I just need to know, for myself.  "Hey, I'm in your town this weekend and may need a character witness".  He always joked that if I ended up in jail he would stop in to say hi; I was starting to wonder if that would be the only time I would get to see him again...it would be a great follow up to our drunk driving, parking lot screaming fight that was our first date.  "Meet me for a drink, that's all I ask.  Same place".  This is tough because if I agree and he cancels I won't know where to go from there and I question my strength to not get pulled back into his unhealthy gravity.  "I'll go on one condition.  You can't cancel, if something comes up then you just have to leave me sitting there.  I will be there at 9pm on Friday, and I will give you a two hour window, but you cannot cancel".  He agreed, and he is well aware of where I am going with this but regardless of the role you play in my life...I absolutely require a commitment to friendship and mutual respect.  My boundaries are universal and at the end of the day it is up to me to teach you how to treat me...it's time to show up or shut up.

The Dawn XVIIII

I never slept well when Dan was away, I always felt uneasy about being in the house alone...it became worse after we had our daughter.  The dark still scared me so I always slept with the television on and a bathroom light; it's difficult to relax when your own mind turns into a horror show of possibilities.  I grabbed my phone and thought some Candy Crush would take my mind off the imaginary people trying to break into my house.  Laura said my fears come from a lack of feeling secure and protected which also explains my need to control situations.  Dan once told me that I could talk to him about anything and he would gladly listen but one day I would need to discuss my issues with someone who could provide me with insight and answer.  He was right, Laura helps me through the maze of trauma, fear and insecurities and knowing why I struggle the way I do offers me relief knowing there is an exit...but the trip through the maze can never be undone...I will never know what it is like to not have trauma and my hope is that my children will never know what it is like to have it.

I had an email from Mike on L.I., he says he is doing good and just working a lot; I one word answered "great" and deleted his, I guess I'm still irritated.  I stared at my phone in disbelief, he emailed me back...I never thought I would hear from him again although I believed he was alive and well...physically anyway.  I took a breath and opened it, "I have been trying to find you, I have so much to tell you".  Trying to find me?  Does he not know that Mike and I text?  What does he have to tell me?  "Hey officer, I'm glad you're alive and well.  Feel free to text if you like".  I gave him my number and the fear of intruders took a far back seat in my thoughts to the ones of John and what he's been up to these past few months.  I've missed him.

The Dawn XVII

Dan left for work earlier than usual because he had to travel today.  I laid in bed content and looking forward to playing all day with my daughter, it was something I could do now and feel engaged with her.  I looked over and seen a little shadow in my doorway and that big mess of curls aways make me smile and warms my heart.  She is the perfect mix of Dan and I, I hope she has my passion and intensity mixed with Dan's intelligence and inner calmness.  She slowly made her way over and threw her blanket on the bed before she reached up to be lifted in bedside me.  I tried my best after she was born to sleep with her at night but she always preferred her own bed and I wondered if I would ever get to fall asleep beside her.  Lately she has been coming into bed in the middle of the night and early mornings and I love to feel her snuggle into me.  I know there are people who wouldn't agree with me and believe children should sleep in their own beds but I think I'm going to throw out that idea as well...I don't like it, I support it and it doesn't fit with my parenting style at all.  Maybe it will teach the child independence to sleep in their own bed, but what if being able to crawl into mine gives her a stronger sense of security? What if my child just wants to fall asleep to the rhythm of my heart or the touch their hand on my face?  What if it allows her to have no sense of stress or fear for one more day?  I picked her up and pulled her into my arms, I kissed the top of her head and felt her body relax...it's just the right way for us.

The last few days since returning from NY have been great.  I feel comfortable in my own skin and am slowly building confidence in myself and my choices; I can stand beside the few beliefs I have right now and continue to build on.  I don't have to defend myself or choices to anyone and I finally feel relieved knowing that no one has ever cared as much as I did and likely was not judged anymore or less than I judged others.  I feel like a woman, no longer a little insecure girl.  The exercise of building confidence is so tricky and my balance needs help because it's easy when there is a hiccup to slide backwards and strength sometimes is borrowed from Dan.  My struggle remains not in failure but in the opinions of others...that is the next to go.  First though I need to put my mind at rest and maybe even test my strength, I was scared to text Mike, the cop, because I had not followed up to the situation with John being hurt.  I grabbed my phone and logged into my email, "hey stranger, hope you're alive and well".

The Dawn XVI

Home life was different these days and I was happy to feel...well...happy.  Football season for my son wrapped up and it made my heart sink watching him complete another chapter in his young life; he'll still play football, but not in high school.  He's becoming this amazing man and I am proud to be able to say I am his mother.  He has training right away for the Texas team and he's already focused on university.  I used to say that the best thing I ever did for my son was leave him with his father, I believe that now more than ever except now it's not felt with crippling sadness but with relief.  My darkness used to be able to make me fold into myself and feel an incredible amount of guilt but now I know that I loved him more than myself and acted in his best interest even when it killed me to do so...and that to me is a mark of a great parent...doing what is best for your child regardless of how it impacts yourself.  My darkness cannot hold my son against me anymore because every time I look in his eyes I see a whole person and I never left him, I just gave myself an honest shot at being a good mom and person...and I am.  As I start to break down all my old beliefs and build up my new fortress of honest, real thoughts and beliefs I can feel the shackles hit the ground and the darkness retreats.

The Dawn XV

I was excited to wake and made sure I was up and preparing breakfast before Dan got out of bed...I was looking forward to Monday morning therapy and seeing my beautiful husband.  I made coffee, started the eggs and threw bread in the toaster.  I grabbed my phone and texted Mike, the cop, "hey officer, long time no talk.  Hope all is well".  I then texted Carl to thank him again for an amazing time in NY and put my phone away...Dan will get my undivided attention and I could hardly wait for him to see light in my eyes.

He looked exhausted when he came around the corner and although he always looks amazing, I could tell he was feeling a bit run down...I know it is because of his wife and her selfish ways.  I took a deep breath and decided not to think about it too deeply, maybe he just had a bad sleep.  I poured him a coffee and brought it to him at the island.  He always flashes me that brilliant smile as if he never gets tired of looking at me.  I'm not ignorant to the fact that because of him I am able to live out a variation of my dream and now that I am comfortable in my head it is time I started acting like I was on a team.  It's true that I believe I have every right to live the life I want but the reality is that it may be a variation and not the exact vision...and I am okay with that now.  I don't want to be happy at the expense of my family, I want to be happy along side of them and I am working on it every single day.   On the flight home yesterday I came to the conclusion that although I want so desperately to be a writer in NYC, I don't want to do it if Dan can't enjoy it too...I was relieved to know I am still in love with him.  I used to get so lost in my thoughts, fears, worries and pain I almost forgot how disconnected I could become.  A variation of my dream isn't a bad thing at all, I view it now as a way to get a taste of the real thing and let that motivate me to achieve; having a goal gives me purpose and something to look forward to for myself...it is mine.  I do not for one second believe that Laura's magic pills made me grateful, I believe that Dan's patience and kindness allowed me to fill the void I had when I was too scared to live my own life.

I sat beside him, squeezed his hand and kissed his face...my therapy can wait, I want to hear all about his last few days...

The Dawn XIV

I arrived home late but without my old friend anxiety so it was a win.  Mike and I emailed a little while I was still in the city but I was so irritated with him that I pushed him out of my head most days.  I couldn't believe that he would just drop me in Queens and never feel the need to drive into the city to see me, as if Manhattan is home to me.  I plan to put strict boundaries on my friendship with him because the reality is that if I don't then he will continuously summon my darkness and I have no desire to ever look that in the face again.  After meeting and spending time with Carl I felt refreshed and strong, the darkness doesn't always win.  If I keep surrounding myself with people who genuinely care about me without judgement then I will win, and my confidence is building as I find people like Carl.  One day I will look back on this chapter and know it was a defining time in my life to shape me into the woman I know exists deep inside of me.  I have a vision of the woman I love and respect and ache to be, someone my children and husband will be proud of...she is strong, confident and driven.  When I see her in the mirror...then I know I am on the other side of the bridge...until then, it's eyes forward.

The Dawn XIII

I had trouble sleeping, thinking about my trip, wondering about my future, sore feet and I think I ate gluten.  I looked over and Carl was still passed out and I'm thankful to have met him.  I quietly got out of bed, picked out some comfortable clothes for my long flight home and made my way to the washroom.  Cold water and Advil was always welcoming on a Sunday morning and I miss Leann...I remembered that I haven't texted with Mike, the cop, in a long while.  I turned the shower on and crawled in the tub to relax and hopefully chase away the anxiety I was feeling.  The beauty of hotels is they almost never run out of hot water.

I attempted to think my way through my anxiety, I've been taking the pills and other than my interaction with Mike on LI everything was great.  It was Mike, I was starting to feel the way I did in Chicago and I just needed to breath my way through.  My train of thought was broken by Carl banging on the door, I imagine his gin ran the course of his body.  I giggled and jumped out of the shower; he's a great roommate.  I gathered my things and wrapped a towel around myself, it was time to start my day so I could end my trip.

I was dressed and packing by the time he got out of the shower and we decided to check our bags with the front desk, grab some coffee and tea then shop for a couple of hours.  Carl's train left before my cab to the airport and when I thought about it I could feel the anxiety rise and I think I have issues with either people leaving or feeling left behind...I'll talk to Laura about it.  We looked over the room once more and closed the door.

Arm in arm we walked through the streets, found a great coffee place and effortlessly lost ourselves in conversation again.  He thinks my anxiety is about flying and at one time he would have been right.  I kept changing my course of thought and reframing because although I am leaving NY, I am going home and I can't wait to see Dan and tell him all about Carl.  We wondered through shops while Carl tried to finish off our pack of cigarettes, I was never a morning smoker.  His train was leaving soon but he didn't leave, instead he stayed long enough to hug me, kiss both cheeks and put me in a cab...he made sure I left first...

The Dawn XII

After half a pack of cigarettes and far too much alcohol we decided to take a cab back to Chelsea and call it a night.  It's my last night in NY for a month and what started out as awful turned into one of my favourite trips and we still laughed about my liquid lunch.   For a city with more taxi's than my entire country it sure was difficult to find one in Time's Square at 3am...so much for a city that never sleeps.  Walking in heels at the beginning of the night was difficult so after all the beer and wine it felt near impossible.  Carl offered to give me a piggyback but I'm not confident in his walking skills at this point.  We finally waved a cab down after four blocks...thank god.

We jumped out of the cab close to the hotel, we decided to grab some food and watch tv until we fell asleep...should take about ten minutes.   We walked arm and arm down the block, it helped us walk straight and not fall all over the place.  The neighbourhood looked deserted except for two other people walking ahead of us.  We were staying in the 'Gayborhood' and the people were amazingly open and just themselves; fearless in their own identities.  As we walked more people poured out of clubs and restaurants and we agreed it was a cool place to stay and loved the vibe.   This may be my new favourite area..how fitting for someone going through an identity crisis.  The people watching was top notch at this time of night and I imagine others watching us felt the same.  Carl noticed a young man walking ahead of us with a hat on and commented that he liked the hat and out of nowhere took off running.  One minute we're casually walking through the Gayborhood and the next my British friend is running down the street towards some young man yelling for him to stop...I could barely believe it.  The poor guy must be terrified of this large man running at him and yelling so I took off as fast as I could in four inch heels trying to catch Carl before he caught the guy.  I imagine this looks absolutely crazy to anyone watching and although I know Carl is not a mean person and believes in equal rights and opportunity...the guy he is chasing has no idea.  I seen the couple duck into a shop selling food and Carl wasn't far behind...I followed and hoped I wasn't too late.  I found them all talking when I finally came through the door and I was relieved...for the poor men we chased.  They were really nice and as understanding as they were, Carl didn't get to try on the hat and they refused to sell it to him.  I however got reasonable fashion advice and invited on a shopping trip...I love this place.

Carl and I got back to the room, changed and turned not he tv.  It was a perfect end to this trip and I am so sad our time ends tomorrow.  I enjoyed learning about him and sharing with him, he assured me he would come into town whenever I visited and I believe he will.  Carl is someone who lives his life openly and just wants to be happy and that doesn't come at the expense of others.  This is exactly the types of friendships I want and the people I want to share my new life with.  He's my NY Dan...

The Dawn XI

We walked down Fifth Avenue and shopped all the way back to the hotel.  It was a great afternoon and still not one awkward moment and Carl never once made me feel uncomfortable.  We ran around the corner and grabbed pizza because we only had a few hours before the comedy show started and didn't make reservations anywhere else.  So we sat on the beds, ate pizza, watched some tv, talked and drank wine from the plastic cups in the room.

Carl managed to procrastinate long enough that we had to catch a cab in order to make it to the show; I was a little happy because my feet hurt from my new boots and now I was in heels...but I would never tell him.  We arrived on the Upper West Side in time to have a few drinks, find our seats and settle in for the evening.  Carl is the perfect gentleman and whoever ends up as his partner is a very lucky woman.  He opens doors, pulls out my chair, walks on the busy side of the sidewalk, he's charming, handsome, funny and always appropriate...almost.

The comedian was great although I seen him the last time I was at a comedy show with my friend Sara, but still, a great set and we had a good time.  Afterwards I took Carl to my favourite Irish pub so we could have a night cap before heading back.  We proceeded to drink a ridiculous amount of Heineken and gin and I finally found the courage to tell him about my situation.  I guess I was a little scared he would leave and now that I have spent time with him I really wanted him to stay, I hoped he would always be a part of my life.  Carl is someone that truly makes your life better, he makes me feel accepted, strong and important.  We learned a lot about each other that night and it made us great friends.  Carl told me about how he lost his mother when he was only 18 years old and his father was less than a great role model.  He got mixed up with gangs, became a soccer hooligan, and struggled deeply with the loss of his mom.  My heart ached when he told me this, he was as close to his mother as my son is to me.  He told me how he was a miracle baby because his parents tried for over a decade to have a child and when they gave up and tried to adopt they were blessed with him.  After years of going down a destructive path he found a therapist and then he found his way out.  He decided to go back to school and get his degree and masters...that's how he ended up in Philly with his aunt.  I was in awe of this man...he doesn't even know how important he is to me...he successfully crossed the bridge...

The Dawn X

I woke rested and feeling ready to take on the city.  I looked over to the other bed and Carl was still catching his Z's so I grabbed some clothes and a towel and headed for the shower.  We stayed up late drinking, eating junk food and watching shows.  Carl is an amazing man and never once made me feel uncomfortable; we share the same sense of humor plus he's intelligent, creative, beautiful and kind...I wish he could meet Dan.  It occurred to me that I haven't told him about my situation and made a mental note to do so at some point today.


I turned off the shower, brushed my teeth, dressed and knocked on the door to make sure it was safe to go back into the room.  He was watching the news and drinking tea...typical Brit.  We were going to the Guggenheim today and I was excited because I waited ten years to finally make my way through it and going with an artist would only make the trip better.  He jumped in the shower and I made coffee and did my hair.  It's such a great day already.


We made our way up through Times Square and bought some comedy show tickets for the late viewing.  Carl tried countless times to get me to jump in a cab but I just can't, I love walking the city...even with aching feet from my new boots.  We walked over to the Upper East Side and had lunch and a drink and after walking fifty blocks he finally convinced me to take a cab the last twenty but had to promise we could walk all the way back.  My time with him is already effortless, like we have been friends forever...and just as promised he gave me an amazing tour through the museum.

The Dawn VIIII

I woke to the sound of my hotel phone ringing off the hook; I stumbled over my suitcase and shoes in the dark to find the little green blinking light.  Carl was in the lobby, they over booked the hotel so he was going to find a new one.  I told him to wait for me.  I turned around and located some shoes, a brush for my hair and threw myself together quickly.  I could feel the excitement rise in me, I have been waiting to meet Carl for a few weeks and if he is even close to how he is over the phone and in his pictures then I'll be happy.  I hate to use the word normal but for online dating it may apply and he is definitely the closest to normal I have seen.


I stepped out of the elevator and right into a handsome Englishman, I felt instantly relieved that he had arrived.  We sat in the lobby and I told him about my day and we laughed about my bazaar adventure.  Earlier in the evening before I passed out I sent him a text requesting he be as close to normal as possible even if he has to fake it; I finally filled him in as to why.  He took the train in from Philly to hang out for a couple days and tour the city with me; he is exactly who he claims to be.  It was fairly late so we walked into the hotel bar and grabbed a drink.  He is easily one of the nicest people I have ever met and a complete gentleman.  We continued to drink, chat and eat into the night and other than my husband he is becoming my favorite person to date. 


We walked outside to have a cigarette. I needed one after telling him about my day with Mike, then the party with the cops and finally my pub crawl with Jeremy.  I don't know if it was the Heineken or the fact that Carl was making me feel completely comfortable but I did something I would never ever dream of...I offered him the spare bed in my room.  

The Dawn VIII

I finally found the office right in the heart of Harold Square.  I texted to let him know I was out front and sat on a bench while I listened to some guy give a tour to a crowd of tourists.  It's a complete money grab but a quick way to learn as much as possible in a short visit...I imagine I could do these pretty soon for a couple bucks.  I got a message from Carl saying he would be a little later but ready to hit the town.  It's such a great day.

Jeremy was exactly the stereotypical rich kid from the Upper East Side and it almost felt theatrical.  We decided we would do a liquid lunch and he would show me some of the best pubs in town; now this is a tour I can appreciate.  The first one was enormous, I don't think I even seen the whole place but the beer was cold and people were fun so I took off my jacket and rolled my eyes at the spoiled brat puffing on his vaporizer.  Jeremy has no shame or filter and I am drinking it up, this guy is unbelievable and I friend zoned him without his knowledge.  He told me every story from role playing with couples to helping his friend organize all of his sex toys; at one point I laughed so hard I choked on my beer.  He told me about his friends ball gag collection and how some were metal, I had to wonder if sex with him came with a dental plan.  I'm not even in this guys league but the company is second to none and entertaining if nothing else.  We grabbed our coats and walked down the block to a pub where we were easily the youngest by thirty years so we did a shot and kept going.  With every drink his arrogance was starting to shine and we are reminiscent of 'Jack and Karen' from Will&Grace.  We are one drink away from jail or a street fight so I suggest a little bite to eat; he gave me a pouty look but agreed if I let him smoke inside...what a bitch.

Seven pubs and several drinks later I tapped out and walked him to the train station; I have no idea how he is going to take the train for an hour in his state.  I made sure he was safely on the a train and hoped it was the right one then I bought cigarettes and walked back to my hotel very slowly.  I have never had a date like Jeremy and I hope I have many more.  Carl was still a few hours away so I had a shower and crawled into bed to sleep off my first drunk of the day.  My phone lit up and it was Jeremy, I was scared he got kicked off the train and had to giggle, "Hey Nat anytime you come to town come by the office and we'll do lunch.  It was a great time".  It's nice when I can be who I really am and people like me.  I love who I am; I've lost a lot to be able to be her...and it was worth every person I waved good bye to or those that just felt the need to comfortably sneak out.

The Dawn VII

I woke with only a mild headache, I finally left when they decided to find a strip club.  It actually turned out to be a great evening once I turned off my phone and forgot about Mike...I wonder how he is today.  I showered and packed all my things, I have to catch the subway to Manhattan then transfer and walk six blocks...with all of my luggage.  I jumped in the shower, brushed my teeth and made a coffee while my hair dried.  I was looking forward to meeting Jeremy and Carl today; I had been talking to them for a couple weeks on line and enjoyed getting to know them.  Jeremy comes from an upscale New York family and Carl is from Essex, England and is working on his masters.

I took the shuttle to the subway station and nearly puked when I seen I had to climb four flights of stairs with my oversized bag...ugh.  I crammed myself into the already overstuffed car and hoped everyone would be getting out on the first stop in Manhattan so I could breath; at this point I debated throwing out everything except my Michael Kors boots and starting fresh.  I had to laugh because even with everything going on during this trip I have not forgotten that I am in NY and come hell or high water I am going to meet people and have a great time...as soon as I re-shower and lose the smell of subway.

I finally made it to my hotel and was giddy when they bumped my reservation to a junior suite...shit seems to always work out.  Sometimes I wonder what I could have been doing with all the time I spent worrying about nothing.  I threw everything on one of the beds and grabbed my purse, I was meeting Jeremy in his office in twenty minutes and Carl should be checking into his room in a few hours.  I definitely had a skip in my step.  The sun hit my face when I walked out the front doors and I felt amazing...happiness is a choice, an outlook, an attitude...I got this!

The Dawn VI

I cannot believe that the pub is crawling with police; detectives no less.  My day that started less than stellar is on track to end the same way.  Cops and I just don't get along, or maybe we do in a weird sort of way.  I continued to watch the game but spent most of my time listening to the Brooklyn and Irish accents and it makes me giggle when stereotypes present themselves.  Anywhere else on the planet the conversations would have sounded like an aggressive argument, but not here, here they are colleagues giving far too much information.  I could spot a younger cop making his way down the bar slowly towards me and I thought about jumping ship...but I didn't.

"Hey, I'm Vince.  Can I buy you a drink?"  I didn't even turn my head because I already knew he was handsome and complete trouble.  "No thanks, I'm just about ready to leave".  After a few minutes of small talk I finally gave him my name, this was feeling more like a game...and I was really enjoying it.  I excused myself and walked outside to have a cigarette with some of the other officers from the precinct, I found it interesting that every single one of them carried a gun just like it was their wallet.  I wondered how easily I could get one of them to let me shoot the gun, I think I could have but didn't ask for fear of what they would want in return.  These guys were fun and hilarious, I was having a great time at the party I was never invited to.  

I walked back into the pub with a few of the guys and immediately heard someone yelling my name, "Natalie come have a shot".  I laughed and threw my head back, I'll do one shot and call it a night...I hope.

The Dawn V

I ordered a Heineken and a salad because it was the only thing on the menu gluten free.  At least with it being a Thursday night football game it would last for hours and give me something to do other than sit in my hotel and curse out Mike.  There was only myself and two other guys at the bar who said they move art for a living between Chicago and New York.  I was completely disinterested so I logged onto wifi to nurture my addiction.  I have a lunch date with Jeremy tomorrow then Carl is coming into the city for two days to hang out, I just have to get through this evening and move into the city in the morning.

I finished my dinner and walked to the nearest store for cigarettes.  I had never been to Queens and have no idea what the neighbourhoods are like but experience has taught me that unless I'm looking for trouble I almost never find it.  I barely noticed that the entire area across the street was a graveyard...I didn't even know they had those right in the city, maybe I just never noticed.  I lit a cigarette and felt high as I walked back to the bar to catch the rest of the game.  I think I just have to let things and people go and concentrate on myself...it feels good to be alone and in control of life.

I walked back into the pub and it was packed.  I found the last chair at the bar and ordered another beer.  The same two guys were still there, they just shot me a smile and shrugged their shoulders.  I looked around and must be the only female in the place except for the bartender and waitress.  When she brought me my drink I asked where the party came from, "it's a retirement party for a cop out of the 94th precinct in Brooklyn".  The entire pub is a police force...you have got to be kidding me...

The Dawn IV

It was a pretty dreary day which complimented Mike's mood nicely.  I could slowly see him going the way of Chicago and it made me physically ill.  He talked non stop about his divorce and only stopped long enough to puff on a cigarette.  I could feel my own anxiety start to rise and I know his must be skyrocketing.  I reached over and placed my hand on his, "Mike would you like to take me back to the city?"  Part of me hoped he would say 'no' but I know differently, "yeah I think I should take you back".  I just nodded and looked out the window; I was pissed off but wished I wasn't.

The drive is about forty five minutes and there was no way I was going to be able to contain myself for that long.  I looked out the window and took some deep breaths and felt the warm tears pour out of my eyes...they are not for me.  I could feel him looking at me which only added to my anger, this is crazy and I wish I could jump out and walk.  He reached over to hold my hand but I swatted it away, I don't need him to console me.  "Natalie I'm sorry if my life upsets you".  As soon as the words registered in my brain my mouth ran away before tact had any time to follow.  I wiped my eyes and looked at him in disbelief, I was shocked he didn't know what was wrong...how selfish can he possibly be?  "Mike, I'm not upset about your situation, I'm upset because you can't even be my friend and enjoy my visit.  You're killing yourself over a house that isn't worth half of what you paid for it.  I'm pissed because you wallow in this shit when you could easily walk away and be happy".  The tears were flowing like a faucet and I started to feel sick, what a joke.  This whole time I thought his issue was his father and ex-wife and now a lot of his anxiety is derived from a house he may lose in the divorce.  I would have punched him in the face if I thought we wouldn't crash.  I can't believe anyone would hold on to so much negativity over something that can replaced easily; I'm sure there is an emotional connection but I don't care anymore and want to get to my hotel.

He pulled up to the doors at my hotel and I jumped out and slammed the door; I didn't even look back...there was no point because he likes his misery and I won't entertain it anymore.  I logged onto my computer and set up a lunch date for tomorrow and made reservations at a hotel in Manhattan because Queens didn't feel like home.  I found a pub near by and waited for the football game to start...

The Dawn III

I woke to the sound of rain, I love listening to the rain.  It was mid morning so I crawled out of bed and straight into the shower.  Mike was going to take me to see some of the sites today, Long Island is home to some creepy places.  He was awake and ready to head out for breakfast when I made my way to the living room, I could see the anxiety moving through him and he could barely sit still.  I started to feel irritated but it subsided quickly over my joy of not joining his parade of anxiety.  I gathered my things and threw on my boots I needed to get him out of this place and into the open, I hoped it would make hem feel less caged.

He took me to a little place for breakfast and I couldn't get the coffee into me fast enough.  I looked out the window to avoid small talk but also because he looks ready to break.  The waiter dropped off our food and almost instantly Mike began to throw up his entire failed marriage all over the table.  I placed my fork on my plate and gave him my full attention.  The story was sad and just added to the list of people he loved that could never love him the same in return.  Mike's entire life seems to be looking for someone who can love him without question or hesitation; he roams through life desperately seeking someone who shares his vision of a family and dream.  I'm glad I could be here for him but other than that there is nothing I can do and once I realized that I am only a supporting cast member in his life my anxiety walked out the door...I can't save everyone.

I gulped my cold coffee while Mike paid the bill then ran to the jeep to escape the rain.  He's taking me on a tour of asylums and the Amityville house...that should do wonders for his anxiety.

The Dawn II

I was finally able to locate Mike at LaGuardia as traffic was coming to a stand still.  He looked nervous; our last visit didn't end the way we had hoped and his demons don't like me.  We decided to head to Long Island for dinner and get out of the city.  The ride was quiet and he smoked a lot, I hate small talk so I looked out the window and enjoyed the scenery.  I could feel him look over at me periodically but the magic was lost and I was fearful that the friendship would be close behind.

We found two seats at the bar and grabbed a menu, I could feel his anxiety and it pissed me off.  My biggest issue with my sensitivity is picking up everyone else's emotions...how did they become my issue?  I ordered a beer and knew the recipe would be at least three and food before I could ignore all emotion, even my own.  We chatted a little but never discussed Chicago, it didn't matter though because I'm pretty sure this is a farewell visit for us.  Our food came and it was the best reason not to have to talk.  I have no idea how we went from great friends to two people having dinner without words, I feel sad for him because this is not about me this is about his own baggage and I don't think he knows how to ask for help.  I ordered another beer and smiled at him, his bridge is breaking and I don't think we are close enough for me to help him the way he needs...besides I'm finally figuring out my own stuff and have to stay focused so I don't get lost in his darkness.

Four beers later and I'm throwing Mike his blanket and pillow to sleep on his own couch.  The weather was awful so I stayed in Long Island to avoid the lengthy ride back to my hotel.  Mike isn't doing good and he can't even fake it, he looks sad and defeated.  I closed the door to the room and silently prayed that I would come out of this unscathed worried that when my buzz wore off the demons would come out to play.

The Dawn I

I was sitting at my gate ready to board the flight and felt calm, relaxed and content.  Last night I played Play Doh for over an hour with my daughter and loved every minute of it.  I find it is easier now to be engaged completely with my home life, I don't ache to be anywhere else but perhaps that is because I always know I am able to leave anytime I want.  I'm not trapped at all, I don't feel caged and restless anymore.  My guilt is slowly walking away and I'm not sad to watch it go.  I feel confident...I don't know if I have ever really felt confident in myself.

I found my seat on the plane and settled in, I didn't even get sick before the flight.  Mike is picking me up from the airport for dinner and I have no anxiety around him..but the real test will be when we are in the same room because I know he still has all of his demons running his life.  I miss him and think about him everyday, I hope that he finds relief in his life soon.  I think Mike is losing his trip across the bridge but maybe I can offer him a hand before he turns like John.  I have found so many people just like me and I imagine there are so many more that stay in the cage for comfort and never challenge their choices for fear of change...or of rejection and failure.  I remember studying Rene Descartes in university and in his piece 'I Think Therefore I Am' he broke down his entire belief system as a way to build up his own.  He took all the information that was given to him over his entire life and threw it out then he slowly started building his own foundation of knowledge...that's what I need to do.  I need to throw out this belief system that was given to me and find my own, one that I truly believe and can live with...that will help me cross the bridge.

I smiled to myself as I looked out the window, I have a plan and I know I can pull it off.  Seven hours till dinner and I hope Mike leaves his demons at home.  Wheels up...

The Darkness XXIII

I still mentally check off the days until I leave for NY, I find my days are easiest when I have something to look forward to.  It too has become something of a cycle; I book my flights, make an appointment with Brenda for my hair, count down the days then silently apologize to my daughter the night before I leave for wanting to go.  I hate that I feel bad for wanting to have something just for me, some time to try and recapture what I brushed off and ignored...maybe I'm selfish, but I am okay with that now.  I would rather be a little selfish then resentful and angry, it's still my life and I don't have to live it according to others beliefs, desires or views.  The funny thing about my anxiety is that it is all in my head, no one that loves and cares for me actually dissects my life and choices.  I have always loved my children more than myself and done everything I could to be a good mother even when it hurt.  I have been taking my medication religiously and am inclined to believe that those that love me may not agree with my choices but respect my journey and those that don't will be gone soon enough.  Dan once asked me, "why do you care so much about following the traditions and beliefs that other people have?"  If I am honest with myself it is because those same traditions and beliefs gave me the illusion that I was 'normal', like the perfect recipe to blend in and look like everyone else...if I don't appear different then no one will know.  My biggest comfort is knowing that Dan and I row the same boat in our beliefs, because of him I am able to look over the edge and attempt the bridge.  He has always been comfortable walking alone in life and I am envious of this strength, it's like a super power I long to possess. 

My days are becoming more effortless as time goes by and I know it is because the medication allows me to have clarity and think in a rational pattern.  I still have some anger around having to take anything at all for a disorder that was callously forced on me but there is no point visiting that dark corner anymore, it does nothing for me right now except keep me in the cage.  I'm learning a lot about being an adult, an independent person and friend to myself.  I have almost completely alienated myself from most friends, I still have the fear that I will be judged but I am working on it.  I feel that if I can have confidence in my choices then I can walk freely within them, maybe that piece of the puzzle will slide into place one day but until then I stay away to protect myself. 

I grabbed a coffee and the computer, made my way to the kitchen table and slid into my addiction...