The Dawn I

I was sitting at my gate ready to board the flight and felt calm, relaxed and content.  Last night I played Play Doh for over an hour with my daughter and loved every minute of it.  I find it is easier now to be engaged completely with my home life, I don't ache to be anywhere else but perhaps that is because I always know I am able to leave anytime I want.  I'm not trapped at all, I don't feel caged and restless anymore.  My guilt is slowly walking away and I'm not sad to watch it go.  I feel confident...I don't know if I have ever really felt confident in myself.

I found my seat on the plane and settled in, I didn't even get sick before the flight.  Mike is picking me up from the airport for dinner and I have no anxiety around him..but the real test will be when we are in the same room because I know he still has all of his demons running his life.  I miss him and think about him everyday, I hope that he finds relief in his life soon.  I think Mike is losing his trip across the bridge but maybe I can offer him a hand before he turns like John.  I have found so many people just like me and I imagine there are so many more that stay in the cage for comfort and never challenge their choices for fear of change...or of rejection and failure.  I remember studying Rene Descartes in university and in his piece 'I Think Therefore I Am' he broke down his entire belief system as a way to build up his own.  He took all the information that was given to him over his entire life and threw it out then he slowly started building his own foundation of knowledge...that's what I need to do.  I need to throw out this belief system that was given to me and find my own, one that I truly believe and can live with...that will help me cross the bridge.

I smiled to myself as I looked out the window, I have a plan and I know I can pull it off.  Seven hours till dinner and I hope Mike leaves his demons at home.  Wheels up...