The Dawn XVIIII

I never slept well when Dan was away, I always felt uneasy about being in the house alone...it became worse after we had our daughter.  The dark still scared me so I always slept with the television on and a bathroom light; it's difficult to relax when your own mind turns into a horror show of possibilities.  I grabbed my phone and thought some Candy Crush would take my mind off the imaginary people trying to break into my house.  Laura said my fears come from a lack of feeling secure and protected which also explains my need to control situations.  Dan once told me that I could talk to him about anything and he would gladly listen but one day I would need to discuss my issues with someone who could provide me with insight and answer.  He was right, Laura helps me through the maze of trauma, fear and insecurities and knowing why I struggle the way I do offers me relief knowing there is an exit...but the trip through the maze can never be undone...I will never know what it is like to not have trauma and my hope is that my children will never know what it is like to have it.

I had an email from Mike on L.I., he says he is doing good and just working a lot; I one word answered "great" and deleted his, I guess I'm still irritated.  I stared at my phone in disbelief, he emailed me back...I never thought I would hear from him again although I believed he was alive and well...physically anyway.  I took a breath and opened it, "I have been trying to find you, I have so much to tell you".  Trying to find me?  Does he not know that Mike and I text?  What does he have to tell me?  "Hey officer, I'm glad you're alive and well.  Feel free to text if you like".  I gave him my number and the fear of intruders took a far back seat in my thoughts to the ones of John and what he's been up to these past few months.  I've missed him.